Zeroth Moment: My Cheat Skill Is Stupid, So I'll Just Ignore It

"Now, keep in mind that I don't really understand it all either," Hana began, as they ate a late lunch of salted beef and rusty-tasting water from canteens (Topher being unable to Conjure any provisions since he was out of MP). "I'm not a spellcaster or anything, so all I know is what Lorachian told me."

"Hold on," Topher interjected, feeling incredibly stupid holding his knees to his chest as Hana's healing potion knit his back muscles back together. "Go back a little further. Who's this Lorachian guy?"

"Lorachian is a shopkeeper in Orvale," Hana said, pointing to a mid-sized city in the distance across the grassy plains. "But, more importantly, he's also a member of the Gatekeepers -- a secret society in charge of collecting and protecting hidden knowledge." She looked down at her mostly-uneaten food. "I wanted to join them. I... did something foolish, as you may already know. And I was tasked with finding out the details behind Wanbourne's undeath animation aura, and stopping it if possible."

"You realize those guys sent you to your death, right?" Topher replied bluntly. "They knew exactly what would happen if they sent a Level 7 into that dungeon."

The Japanese girl shrugged. "It is possible," she agreed. "But events have turned out in our favor -- we have discovered that the Loci is an Edict, which is critical information in its own right. An Edict is apparently some kind of sorcery from the time before the current civilization -- no one knows much about them, but what is known is they can't be destroyed or even affected by normal magic."

"And that information is enough for Lorachian to report back to the Gatekeepers," Zanasha added, nodding in understanding. "Such knowledge could be used to mount a more successful expedition to destroy it."

Hana shook her head. "I'm not sure they'll wish to destroy it at all now, actually -- if what we theorized about the zombies being in some sort of simulation is true, doing so would destroy the minds of all the creatures within the simulation."

"Why is that bad?" Topher objected. "They're zombies. Whatever virtual reality they're shufflin' it up in is probably big on brains, the eating of, and not a lot else."

"Not necessarily." Hana took another bite of her food and chewed for a moment. "It is possible that the zombies are merely the bodies left behind by living minds."

Zanasha cocked her head. "Hana-chan, you sound more confident about this than you were before."

The Japanese girl looked away, tucking her hair behind one ear as a gentle gust pushed it back. "I think the animation aura is... a kind of life-support effect. I don't think we can know what happened to Wanbourne before, but I think it is plausible that the Loci was created to keep the minds of the citizens safe. Their bodies died, but the reanimation effect kept them from decaying as long as they weren't destroyed."

Topher cringed. "Jesus. So the thousands of people who've been zombified just for being near the effect are just getting caught in the backwash?"

Hana nodded. "It is only a theory, Bailey-san. But it does explain most of the facts we've observed."

"And will you share that theory with Lorachian and the rest of the Gatekeepers?" Zanasha asked solemnly, after a moment.

"I..." Hana looked down. "I think I have to. If I'm going to try to become a member of the Gatekeepers, I have to trust that they'll make the best decision with the knowledge I bring them. That means both giving them the means to destroy the Loci... and giving them the knowledge that might stop them from killing the people inside."

Topher whistled. "You got guts, kid. I don't know that I could make the same call."

The young woman blushed. "You give me too much credit, Bailey-san." She stood up, brushing off her pant legs. "Still, I need to think further before I commit to such a course of action." She turned to look at the city in the distance, then back at Topher and Zanasha. "Would it be alright with you both if I asked for a little time to myself?"

No, please, stop, don't leave me alone with the girl I have a huge crush on, oh no, whatever shall I do. Topher gave her a thumbs-up. "Take all the time you need, kid." He chuckled and patted his back. "Not like I'm going anywhere."

Zanasha just nodded at Hana and held her gaze for a moment; some unspoken understanding passed between the two, and Hana smiled shyly back at them before turning away and setting off down the hill. Topher nodded approvingly. Wish I had that kind of emotional maturity at twenty-five.

"Friend Topher," Zanasha said suddenly, breaking him out of his reverie, "I have a question."

Immediately, Topher began to sweat. Oh boy, here we go. If she asks me something like 'why do you keep staring at me', I'm just going to manabolt myself in the head right now. "Sure."

"What is your Class? If it is not inappropriate for me to ask." The half-orc unsheathed her sword, but to his surprise, Topher felt no apprehension at all; after a moment's fumbling, she found a whetstone and began to sharpen it. "I like to be prepared to work together with others if I may."

"It's Clerk," Topher admitted. "Lame, I know. Mostly seems to have some weak spellcasting and a few record-keeping powers, and that's basically it."

Zanasha blinked. "'Weak' spellcasting? But you were able to destroy Level 50 monsters with your spells."

"Total shenanigans," Topher protested. "I found a loophole where I could use a useless Skill in conjunction with a wand to boost my spellcasting power. But it doesn't actually mean I know what I'm doing -- more than once I've accidentally almost gotten myself killed with careless use of it." He sighed. "Besides, it doesn't really matter how impressive my spells might be if I'm in a heap on the ground. I wish this world had a 'fix back' spell."

Zanasha chuckled. "What is your affliction? I am surprised that the healing potions have not repaired you entirely."

Topher sighed. "Ah, I don't even know. It's been getting worse and worse, the older I get -- just like the rest of this decrepit carcass." He picked at his thinning hair and graying beard despondently. "Dakath -- uh, this elf that thinks I suck -- said it was something I could fix with exercises. But that sounds ridiculous to me."

"What sort of exercises?" Zanasha raised an eyebrow, giving Topher a shiver. Jesus, I've got it bad. "May I see?"

Topher sighed, tried to get up, and found that he could now, if only barely. "It looks really, really stupid. I reach up..." -- he did so -- "...and then bend down... to... agh!" His back twinged as he attempted to demonstrate, and he dropped to his knees, feeling pathetic. "Touch my toes. So stupid."

Suddenly, Zanasha was there, next to him; his skin felt hot and his face burst into an uncontrollable blush as her hand slipped under his arm. "Here, bend forward. On all fours."

Topher resisted the incredibly powerful urge to make a lewd remark. "Ngh... why?"

"Now, raise your right arm --" the half-orc gently lifted Topher's right elbow -- "and kick out your left leg. Keep your toe pointed to the ground."

Topher, powerfully motivated, made the attempt and found that it was possible -- his muscles and tendons pulled in a way that stretched and tingled uncomfortably -- but there was no pain, only a profound sense of weakness he was startled to feel in limbs that normally functioned well enough. "Hey, that feels... shit, I don't even know. Where'd you learn to do that?"

"My mother taught me. She had the Acrobat Class, and possessed many exercises for increased strength and flexibility." Zanasha gently lowered his right arm and helped him to lift his left, guiding him to raise his right leg in tandem. "I taught them to Hana-chan as well. When she first came to this world, her physical condition was quite unready for the rigors of combat or adventuring; if you had known her then, you would not recognize her now." She smiled, watching Hana pace through a field of flowers a quarter-mile or so in the distance.

"How'd you guys meet, anyway?" asked Topher desperately, sweating with the effort of not reacting to the half-orc's closeness and physical touch on his body. "Are you from Sheonn?"

Zanasha chuckled and shook her head. "I am from the village of Breakskull. It is a very orcish village, though I suspect you do not know what I mean; young orcs brawl and posture for status in the tribe. 'Cavemen' is how Hana-chan described us at first."

Topher winced. "Ouch. That can't have been very diplomatic."

"No, it is accurate." Zanasha sat back on her haunches, looking up at the painfully blue sky. "Most orcs are, to put it quite bluntly, very stupid. But my father was not, and he captured the heart of my mother -- a human -- with his wit and charm." She smiled. "She came to live with us in the village, despite all the reasons she had to do otherwise. I will always be proud of my tribe, my family, and my people; but that does not mean I cannot acknowledge their strengths and weaknesses."

The emotional openness! It burns us! Topher chuckled to himself. "Lady, if I ever get to half that level of peace with my folks, it'll be twice as far as I ever expected." He did a few more exercises, then cautiously clambered to his feet; shockingly, he felt stronger and more flexible after just a few repetitions. "What about you? What's your Class like?"

"By the standards of advanced classes, it is not prestigious," she demurred, blushing a little. "My Class is Fighter -- one of the most basic of the combat classes. But even so, I have great pride in it -- it is more advanced than the Warrior Class, which most orcs have."

Topher put his hands in the small of his back and pressed lightly, stretching his hips forward; he could feel the pull in his hamstrings, and was shocked to discover that he had any hip mobility at all at this point. "Fighter and Warrior, huh? How are they different?"

"The Warrior Class is very straightforward," the half-orc explained. "It grants the Weapon Training and Armor Training Skills, which allow use of such types of equipment without instruction. Very useful, you understand, for orcs who do not often have the patience for lessons." She winked at him, and Topher blushed again. "At higher levels, Warriors also gain other skills, such as Enhanced Strength and Mighty Blow. But, as a class, it does not lend itself to tactical or strategic complexity."

"I would imagine not, if Hana called it 'caveman' stuff." Topher scratched his beard, realized what he was doing, and stopped. "But Fighter gets more skills?"

"Different skills," Zanasha clarified. "I do not receive Enhanced Strength, though I did receive Mighty Blow at Level 25; I look forward to testing it." She pumped her fist and grinned ferociously, then sobered. "But I have many other, more situational, Skills -- Last Stand, Sentinel, and Dirty Trick, to name a few -- that can be used creatively in combat to defeat opponents by means other than brute strength. It is not as impressive as the Knight or Blademaster Classes -- or any of the other more exotic martial spellcaster classes -- but I prefer it this way." She smiled up at the sky. "I get by on my own strength and cunning. It keeps me humble."

"Yeah, well, my ineptitude keeps me humble," Topher demurred. "But I'll take any more of these exercises I can get. This feels great."

"I will teach them to you on one condition." The half-orc turned to face Topher, suddenly serious; he tensed. What's this now? "Travel with us. You have great power and arcane skill." She leaned forward, clasping his hand plaintively; without her gauntlets, he could feel her warm, calloused hands entirely too keenly. "If someone is truly after Hana-chan, please help me protect her."

Topher wanted to laugh in relief -- Oh no! Not in the briar patch! -- but managed to maintain his composure. Trepidatiously, he squeezed Zanasha's hand back, his pulse pounding in his ears. "Sure, of course. If you really want me, I mean." As soon as the words left his mouth, he cursed himself; it was exactly the wrong thing to say in every way. "Sorry. That came out wrong. I mean..." he took a deep breath. "If I can be useful to you, it would be my honor."

The half-orc smiled and withdrew her hand; Topher's heartbeat slowed back down to manageable levels. "The honor would ours, Friend Topher." She bowed, very formally, with one fist in the palm of her other hand, then straightened to look Topher in the eyes; he kept being surprised by how close they were to being the same height. "Cha'tuk. I knew a man of honor such as yourself would not abandon us."

Oh, yeah, I'm real noble. Topher sighed and looked away. "Well, I mean, being with you two is as good a place as any to hide out. We all need to keep moving, so the people trying to find and kill us will have a harder time doing it." Totally legit and plausible reasons, please disregard the fact that I am batshit crazy in love with you despite meeting you two days ago. He looked back to see an expression of surprise flit across Zanasha's face, but it was instantly replaced by a calm and thoughtful look. "What?"

The half-orc bent and picked up her sword and whetstone, beginning to put them away. "I believe Hana-chan has come to a decision. We should prepare to break camp."

"Oh. Uh, right." Topher backed away, feeling like he'd just done something stupid somehow, and hobbled off to pack up his gear and bedroll; as he did so, Hotaka shimmered into view on his left. "Oh, there you are. Sorry, I couldn't get away."

"I note that you are no longer in a dungeon," Hotaka observed, a little clinically. "Are you in any further immediate danger?"

"No," replied Topher, frowning. "No, I think I'm safe for now. Why? Do you need me to come help you out wherever you are?" Shit. Maybe I shouldn't have agreed to stay with Hana and Zanasha so easily.

Hotaka's eyes flicked back and forth, giving him a calculated look; Topher got a strange chill. "No, Bailey-sensei -- I believe I am well enough at my current location for now. But, if it is not too much trouble, I would appreciate further information regarding your new traveling companions." Hotaka's gaze twisted off to Topher's right, where the other two were packing up camp. "It may help me in determining our next course of action."

"Uh... right. I'll try to sneak off in the evenings, I guess." Topher finished packing up his things and tightened the sash of his robe, then turned to ask more questions, but noticed that the phantasmal figure of the bespectacled boy had disappeared again. Huh. Wonder what that was all about. Absent-mindedly, he scratched at the back of his head as he turned back towards the others; unbeknownst to him, a thin shimmering ribbon of light trailed from his fingers, then faded away.