Zeroth Moment: My Cheat Skill Is Stupid, So I'll Just Ignore It

It was some time later when Kelfir's sobs ceased; Hana and Zanasha had retreated down the hill a ways (whether out of fear or out of a desire to give the two of them some space, Topher didn't know or care). The two of them sat there in silence for some time.

Eventually, Kelfir turned, very painfully, and regarded Topher; Topher winced. If the elf's eyes had been haunted before, now they were open wounds, raw and suppurating with a grief so profound it defied conceptualization. "You did not kill me," the elf observed dully.

Topher squeezed his eyes shut. "Of course I didn't kill you, you fucking moron. It's not a crime to mourn your child."

The elf flinched, then sighed. "This... is going to take some getting used to." He rearranged his robes slightly, pulling his bedraggled hair from his tear-streaked face, then shifted reluctantly to face Topher. "What control do you intend to exert upon me?"

"None, you stupid asshole!" Topher spat. "I don't even know what happened, other than the fact that I turned your fucking mind-rape bullshit back on you." He scuffed the dirt with his heel sourly. "I didn't remap the control rune. The person controlling you is you, remember? You literally enslaved yourself."

For several seconds, Kelfir was silent; then, slowly, he began to laugh. "Of course. Of course. I cannot imagine a more fitting fate for a wretch such as I." The elf flopped backwards on the dirt, staring forlornly up into the sky. "I have been a prisoner of my own ambition for five hundred years," he mused. "Why should it change now, after all?"

Topher grunted. "Guess elves will literally mind-control themselves before going to therapy." He sighed and looked over at Kelfir. "What you really need is sleep, you know. You look half-dead."

"I cannot," the elf groaned. "I am needed, at all hours of every day. The Demon Lord's minions have begun to reemerge as the Seal weakens; even a single Capras, as you can see, may wreak devastation and requires significant MP to destroy." He covered his face with his hands. "And it will get worse. If the S-Rank heroes do not defeat the Evil One soon, we will be facing armies of Capras, and worse foes besides."

Topher shivered; in his mind's eye, he could see an ocean of towering goat-demons, each of them virtually immune to attack from most sources and capable of wiping out Sheonn's entire army single-handedly. Sugimoto wasn't exaggerating, he realized, awed. A hypersonic nuke might not even slow these guys down. "You think they're not up to the job?" he hazarded.

Kelfir laughed bitterly. "Otherworlder, you defeated me -- you, an F-Ranker, defeated me by wielding the akashic realm against me. At Rank C, I am the greatest Metaphrast alive; do you even have the Skill in your Status?"

Topher, bewildered, checked:

Name:

Christopher Bailey

Level:

27

Class:

Clerk

HP:

68/82

MP:

0/108

SP:

27/27

Strength:

Rank F

Dexterity:

Rank F

Constitution:

Rank D [+1: Rank D]

Intelligence:

Rank D

Wisdom:

Rank D [+1: Rank D]

Charisma:

Rank F

Skills:

Literacy (Rank D)

Mathematics (Rank C)

Cooking (Rank F)

Customer Service (Rank D)

Data Entry and Filing (Rank B)

Packaging and Shipping (Rank D)

Home Appliance Repair (Rank F)

Pen Spinning (Rank A)

[Cold Resistance (Rank F)]

[Heat Resistance (Rank F)]

[Obscure Location (Rank C)]

[Nondetection (Rank C)]

Special Skills:

Disrupt Illusion

Conjure Shield (Rank C)

Conjure Light (Rank F)

Improved Status

Summon Ledger

Remove Fatigue (Rank D)

Minor Sorcery (Rank C)

Summon Stylus

Sanctuary (Rank F)

Detect Status

Metaphrasty (Rank F)

[Pass Without Trace (Rank C)]

Unique Skill:

Attract Object

"I do now," he answered, finally, "at Rank F. Whatever the fuck that is."

Kelfir laughed again, this time with an edge of hysteria to it. "Do you see? Five centuries of ambition, ground to dust in five minutes. By the weakest of humans from your world." His head drooped until it was practically resting on his chest. "Such is the price of humility."

Maybe now you'll be less of a dick to Varissian then, Topher didn't say. Instead, he frowned, examining his Level. "Why didn't I Level up from helping with that demon? That thing had to be way higher than Level 50."

"The demon lord's minions sometimes do not grant XP," the elf sighed. "We do not know why." He began to struggle, very weakly, to his feet. "I must return. The Golden Tower can revitalize me; if I succumb to fatigue here, many will die if another demon appears while I slumber."

"Hey, stop," Topher protested. "You're gonna do more damage than the demons will if you run around so sleep-deprived you're cracking up." He wrenched himself to his feet, cursing as his sore muscles and joints creaked and popped, then unrolled his bedroll next to Kelfir and pointed to it. "You're gonna sleep if I have to beat you unconscious, pal. Save us both the effort and just take a fucking nap, okay?"

The elf smiled. "Bereft of akasha, you have no MP. I could destroy you with a thought." But his eyes drifted painfully to the bedroll; Topher paused, sensing an opening.

"How about," he murmured gently, "you think about how all the people who care about you will feel if you get yourself killed while you're flipping out like this?" He pointed to the bedroll again. "You nearly did it once today. Maybe don't push your luck."

The elf wobbled, raised a hand, then dropped it. "Christopher Bailey," he sighed, "you are a bastard." Surrendering, Kelfir sagged to his knees, then crawled to the bedroll and flopped down upon it; his red-rimmed and bloodshot eyes closed almost immediately. "Why?" he murmured, already beginning to fall into slumber.

Topher rolled his eyes and tugged the bedroll's blanket over the elf. "Because you might be a shit dad," he muttered, knowing the elf was already drowsing too deeply to hear him, "but at least you give a crap about your kids."

Sighing, he left Kelfir dozing and shuffled painfully down the hill to where Hana and Zanasha were waiting; shoving his hands into his pockets, he nodded glumly to them. "Okay. You probably both have a lot of questions."

They paused, but Zanasha was the first to break the silence. "Are you... well, Friend Topher?"

"No," Topher groused, "but I'm alive, and Kelfir will probably be okay too. He's sleeping now -- I made the bastard take a nap in my bedroll."

Hana bowed, which weirded Topher out to a serious degree. "You are indeed mighty, Bailey-san -- no, Bailey-sama. How did you defeat him?"

Topher flinched a little and looked away. "I got lucky. How do F-Rankers do anything? He happened to try to pick the one way to ruin my shit that I have a way to deal with, and it backfired on him."

Hana bowed again. "As you say." Then, looking pensive, she shifted and turned to look back at the devastation in Orvale with apprehension. "It seems my first mission for the Gatekeepers was not as successful as I would have hoped."

"What were you even supposed to do there?" Topher asked, confused. "We literally barely showed up before everything went to shit."

"Not that I should be discussing it," sighed Hana, "but my mission was to secure teleportation for all of us to a small dungeon near the border of Thoxen, and retrieve an item that was lost there by a party of adventurers who perished inside. Waymaster Borgura was an agent of the Gatekeepers, and would have provided the service for free." She kicked at a rock glumly. "But, having failed my first mission so utterly..."

"You did not fail, Hana-chan," Zanasha murmured. "You are still alive."

"It does not matter," Hana countered in a flat voice. Turning, she crossed her arms and stared out at the city. "The penalty for failing or betraying the Gatekeepers is very simple. They are a secret society; members who go rogue or cannot perform their duties are security risks."

Topher's skin crawled. "You're saying that if you go back, they'll kill you."

"They will kill me even if I do not go back." Hana did not look back. "For the moment, it is possible they will believe I was killed in the destruction of Waymaster Borgura's manor, but if I am spotted by another agent, their duty will be clear."

"I'm pretty sure they have bigger problems right now," Topher pointed out. "If that guy was one of their agents, they're probably a lot more upset that he got turned into abstract art by a demon."

"Hana-chan," Zanasha broke in, "the demon called Waymaster Borgura a 'Betrayer' before he attacked. Is it possible that he was suborned by the Demon Lord's forces?"

Turning back, Hana looked conflicted. "I don't know. I'm not even sure the Demon Lord is real; the demons themselves obviously are, but I've never heard of or seen any evidence of coordination between them in any reports I've overheard. It's possible that only Waymaster Borgura and that individual demon were collaborating."

"Well, either way, you obviously can't go back to the Gatekeepers right now," Topher decided. "We need to figure out our next move."

Hana's grip tightened on the hilt of her dagger; nevertheless, she nodded. "Yes, you are right." She closed her eyes for a moment, then opened them and looked to the south. "There is a... place that we will be safe. Once there, I can replenish my store of potions and other alchemical tools; if we are to choose a new path, we should be prepared." Topher could see several emotions in her eyes -- fear, sadness, and resignation -- but despair was by far the most prevalent. She's probably been trying to join these Gatekeeper guys since she arrived here, he realized, awed. She's having to give up her whole adult life's work in the space of an afternoon.

He hunched his shoulders a little, feeling awkward. "Hey," he began, "don't give up hope just yet, alright? There might be a way to smooth this whole thing over in the future."

Zanasha gently touched Hana's shoulder. "Friend Topher is right, Hana-chan. For now, just think of this as a temporary setback. Like the cave at the end of the stream."

Hana winced. "Did you have to bring that one up?" she complained.

"One has found that it tends to motivate you," Zanasha chuckled. Topher, confused, look back and forth between the two women, but they only shared a fond gaze and ignored him completely.

"Yeah, well, that's as good an option as any, I guess," Topher interjected after a few uncomfortable moments. "Listen, can you guys keep an eye on Kelfir while he sleeps? I need to go, uh, take care of some stuff."

Instantly, Zanasha nodded to him. "Of course. We shall watch over him."

"Thanks." Topher made his way into the trees a little way, noticing that the sun was already starting to set; wasn't it morning when we went to Borgura's? Jesus, this has been a hell of a day. Moving out of the sight of the others, he looked around for any sign of monsters or eavesdroppers, then sighed. "Okay, you can come out now. I know you're there."

As he expected, Hotaka's ghostly form shimmered into visibility near him. "How did you know I was observing you, Bailey-sensei?"

"Let's just say I've detected a pattern," Topher groused. "Before I ask anything else, is everything still okay where you are?"

Hotaka nodded swiftly. "I remain safe, Bailey-sensei, though the circumstances of my imprisonment are... not relaxing."

"Wait, imprisonment?" Topher's mouth dropped open. "I thought you were, like, chilling in somebody's castle, or something."

"I cannot confirm my actual location," Hotaka demurred, "but yes, I am being held prisoner here. I can take no actions besides communicating with you, Bailey-sensei, and even that I believe to be an accidental result of some factors beyond my captor's control."

"Well, shit," Topher grunted. "How do I bust you out?"

Abruptly, Hotaka looked alarmed. "Such plans are... very premature, Bailey-sensei. I am not in danger or being harmed, and any attempt to free me would likely jeopardize one or both of those things." He pushed both hands at Topher in a "slow down" gesture. "For now, let us concentrate on your situation, which is much less stable."

Topher sighed and rested his forehead against a tree trunk. "Kid, anybody ever tell you that you've got a martyr complex?"

"If so, it is a product of my upbringing, I am sure," Hotaka murmured wryly. "Nevertheless, you surely wished to speak to me about something other than my psychological complexities."

"Yeah." Topher regretfully pushed off from the tree and turned to face the younger boy. "How much of my fight with Kelfir did you see?"

"More than I expected," Hotaka demurred, "but it proved highly instructional. I assume you have questions regarding akasha and what the elf referred to as 'Metaphrasty'?"

Topher nodded, crossing his arms. "You bet. And I've got a suspicion that those terms might mean a little more to a video-game-playing nerd like you than they do to me."

Hotaka had the good grace to look embarrassed, but not for long; his love of explaining overrode it almost immediately. "In folklore -- and yes, in many video games -- akasha refers to many substances or concepts. It is occasionally described as a magic 'space' or 'realm', and other times described as a reservoir of power. But the most common reference is to something called the 'Akashic Record', which is a mystical book or set of tablets upon which all information is inscribed."

Topher squinted, confused. "None of that makes any sense."

"That is also a typical consensus," Hotaka agreed without the slightest hint of irony. "As for 'Metaphrasty', the prefix 'meta-' refers to something which transcends, alters the operation of, or otherwise operates at a higher degree of abstraction than the word it modifies. For example, 'metamagic' refers to altering the rules of magic in many role-playing games." He shrugged. "But for the suffix -- '-phrasty' -- I do not know. From the context, I can infer that it might be a sort of magical capability, but beyond that, I am afraid I cannot help you."

Topher ran his hand down his face and groaned. "More nerd stuff. Why can't any of this be easy?"

"If it were easy, it would likely not be as powerful as it seems to be," Hotaka countered placidly. "I would advise conferring with the Archmage when he awakens, Bailey-sensei. The potential for gaining useful information seems very high."

"Guess I can't argue with that." Topher started back towards the hill, then turned hesitantly towards Hotaka's projection. "You're sure you're okay?"

"I assure you, Bailey-sensei," Hotaka murmured, "I am as well as can be expected from any of us in this situation." Abruptly, the projection flickered out, and Topher was left staring into the wilderness by himself.