Your Regrets Are Late

That time, Charelize ran to her private library, which had limited access. Lona didn’t follow her because it seemed she wanted to be alone. When a long time had passed, Lone went to look for her. What she saw was Charelize was reading books about medicine that were difficult to understand. The corner of Charelize’s eyes was especially red while pretending to be okay. Lona felt terribly sorry for her. A few days later, Duchess Marsetta’s condition improved, and Charelize was able to meet her briefly. Upon knowing that, Charelize was delighted even from the night before they met. “Quickly. Come brush my hair, Lona.” “Princess, you can take your time. Madam hasn’t come out.” “Hurry up!” She woke up earlier than usual and continued to urge Lona. “Will my mother… be happy?” “It’s her favorite color, so don’t worry too much.” “Hailey is right, Princess!” She chattered, saying things like this and that to the servants around the same age as her. However, when she returned, Charelize was in tears. “Princess!” “…Lo-lona.” “Why… what is…” Seeing this, Lona couldn’t help but be surprised. It was very rare for Charelize, no one else, to cry so sadly. Just in case she got hurt somewhere, Lona examined her body carefully. Fortunately, there were no visible injuries to her naked eyes, so Lona breathed relief. “By any chance… is it because of Your Grace…?” “…no. I haven’t seen my father lately…” “Can you tell this nanny what happened?” Lona asked carefully, looking at Charelize’s eyes. “I’m sleepy. I want to sleep.” “…shall we go to the bedroom? Baron Alec gave me a scented candle that helps for sleep well.” “Yes.” Charelize avoided answering by saying she was sleepy, hinting that she didn’t want to explain the reason. Charelize avoided answering, saying she was sleepy with a hint she didn’t want to talk. “Sleep tight, my baby.” “Lona.” “Yes, Princess.” Lona quickly changed her into pajamas and gently patted Charelize’s tummy as she lay on the bed. Charelize, relieved to hear a gentle lullaby, finally opened her mouth. “Like my father… Does my mother not love me too?” “Oh my gosh.” “…why?” “If Madam hears it, she will be upset. No matter what anyone says, Madam loves you, Princess.” “Lie.” “Princess.” Charelize soon cried out and let out her sorrow. “You’re lying. That can’t be true. She must be angry with me. It’s only after a week that I can see her again…” Lona lifted up Charelize, who was lying down and comforted her in her arms. “The moon and the stars are watching over Princess’s night.” “…” “So, don’t worry about anything, and let’s go to dreamland, alright?” After calming her down somewhat, Lona eventually put Charelize back in bed, who had fallen asleep from crying. She even covered her with a blanket so she wouldn’t catch a cold. Lona wiped away the tears in the eyes of Charelize, who was sleeping soundly with regular breathing. After watching her fall asleep for a long time, Lona whispered quietly, “Yesterday… Madam came to the library.” “…” “She had been looking at the drawing Princess drew for a long time…” “…” “The paper was wet with Madam’s tears, and the letters written Princess were smudged.” “…” “Because Princess… never once called Madam like that…” It was the day when Charelize briefly left the duchy to attend a tea party of noble ladies around her age. Duchess Marsetta visited her private library, where Charelize went on those days. She went upstairs, thinking of opening the window. Several books were piled high in a crooked shape by the window. She glanced curiously at what Charelize was reading. They were all medical books that were hard for a child to understand. As she tried to organize the book so that Charelize wouldn’t get hurt if they fell over, her eyes caught several sheets of paper lying on the floor. There were unorganized crayons nearby, probably for drawing. After arranging each crayon, she put them in their proper places. The gentle spring breeze blew, perhaps to welcome Charelize’s soon-to-be birthday. She sat by the window and picked up the papers, excited to see what Charelize had drawn. [My mother likes Lipecha tea, but it’s still bitter for me.] It was the first drawing depicting Charelize and Duchess Marsetta having tea together in the garden. [My happy family. I hope my father comes back soon.] It was the second drawing depicting Charelize and Duchess Marsetta holding each other’s hands. [My mother’s favorite flower is lilac. I must remember and not forget it.] The third drawing was where the two of them were drawn again while wearing the same flower wreath and smiling. Looking at the clumsy drawing, she burst into laughter. She was busy looking at it with a happy expression on her face. Before she knew it, she checked the last drawing and the writing underneath. Tears streamed down her cheeks in an instant, soaking the paper. “Madam?” “…” “Please take a rest… I will clean it up quickly.” “Lona.” Lona came in to check who entered the private library because the door was open. She looked surprised at the appearance of Duchess Marsetta. “Thank you for always taking good care of Charel on my behalf.” “No, it’s my duty as a nanny.” “…please keep it a secret from that child that I came here.” Duchess Marsetta left the private library, asking for her visit to be kept secret. Lona felt puzzled by her behavior and then tilted her head. When she checked what the duchess was holding just before, she immediately understood. “…I hope that our princess’s wish will come true.” She prayed with a heart that the mother and daughter, who were clumsy and unfamiliar with each other, would be truly happy someday. * * * Charelize retrieved a book with a purple leather cover from the box in the corner. She had deliberately made a book out of paper with drawings she drew as a child so that only she could recognize it. What she called handwriting was nothing but short comments she wrote line by line. As she opened the first page, she saw a drawing of a garden. She remembered how she had sworn that she would never see the drawings again until all of them were fulfilled. As she was about to move to the next one, her hands stopped for a moment. At the same time, Charelize realized that her family couldn’t longer be together. A bitter laugh came out, but she didn’t think much of it. Moving to the next page, a drawing of her mother wearing a lilac wreath could be seen. My mother’s favorite flower… is lilac… She saw an illusion when she turned her head at the sudden sound. It was the childish girl lying on her stomach on the floor and using colored crayons to draw the drawings. My happy family… Charelize seemed to see all kinds of things because she couldn’t sleep well. But the illusion of her lying down on her stomach and wiggling both her feet while singing hum wasn’t that bad to see. She kept turning the pages with a smile. Then she saw the drawing of her mother smiling while patting her head. On the next page, she saw a drawing of herself in the form of an adult while she became a doctor. Even though there was quite a bit of paper left, she felt great regret when she saw the last drawing. She looked at that drawing as slowly as possible. What she saw was the drawing of her mother smiling, who was in good shape. Charelize checked the writing underneath. A long time had passed, and her clumsy writing had already faded. Charelize tried to suppress her emotions,  which were rising inside. Still, tears came out. “My mother… is no longer sick… and has become healthy…” The traces of someone’s tears shed a long time ago were added over time by the person who found this book again. “So… I want her to always be by my side…” With no strength in her wrist, Charelize dropped the book she was holding. “…That is my wish.” Now she couldn’t even hope for it because it could never come true. It was the sad wish of a child who knew nothing. Charelize, more than ever, felt the vacancy of her own mother. There had never been a day when her vacancy felt so strange, unlike today. It wasn’t the end of her being dull, thoughtless, and not seeing. She learned too late that you can pretend to forget, but you would never forget. Mom. In her entire life, Charelize had never called her mother like that. As soon as Charelize was born, she was entrusted to Lona and raised in the arms of others. It was the same when she babbled or when she took her first steps into the world. Charelize always felt restless because she didn’t know when her mother would die. “You can’t go to the madam recklessly like today, Princess.” They lived apart, and it wasn’t easy for her to even meet her mother. Since her mother valued manners so much, she thought her mother would hate her if she fooled around by calling her mother as mom. So she always swallowed that word into her mouth. When she grew up, she didn’t have a close enough relationship to call her mother like that. She thought it would be weird to call her like that as their relationship was no different from strangers. But when she called her like that, it wasn’t like that at all. “…Mom. My mom.” It was warm. She blamed herself for not calling her like that earlier. Charelize couldn’t be a good, kind, and loving daughter like everyone else. She knew that since her mother had already died, her mother couldn’t hear it no matter how much she called. When she first experienced her mother’s death, she only remembered her mother once in a while, then forgot about her as time passed. Fortunately, she was able to be by her side in her last time. She did it, but why did she feel so sad, just like a child?  She wanted to hug someone and cry it out. What Charelize felt wasn’t the warm afternoon sun but her own regret that it was too late. The absence of the affectionate person was painful to recall as it came to her mind every moment. She lived with her eyes and ears closed to somehow forget it. However, the memories of the years they spent together still remained. The only way to bear her bitter sorrow was to think nothing of it. Charelize stayed still for a long time, and from a certain moment, only tears flowed endlessly. Her childhood habit remained the same. She spent her time remembering her memories silently.