Yakumo Yukari Gapped Me to Another World; Now I'm Trapped in the Human Village Full of Pathetic Touhou Maniacs

Sasha fell asleep while we waited for Patchouli to return. It only made sense. After four days without food my roommate was probably exhausted, and definitely starving. I held her close. The prison cell was frigid, but she was warm.

Protecting her from the cold was the same thing as protecting myself.

I started dozing. The crystal hovered nearby, presumably casting the image of our cell to a darkened library. I wondered if Patchouli was still there. She drew sigils extremely quickly, as you might expect from a magician, so she should have been able to break our manacles right away… right?

She must have needed rare components or something. She had to go get them. I imagined her flying out of the Scarlet Devil Mansion on a broomstick. It became a little sequence, where she met up with other witches to battle a monster. I was trying to keep up with them.

“Mister Thorne.”

Patchouli was a backliner, naturally. She called for me to run forward and… punch the monster? Be bait? It was a giant dog creature. It slobbered all over me.

“Wake up, Jake!” After a few seconds a stream of cold water hit me in the face. I woke up and remembered I’d been imprisoned in an oni village deep underground.

“Sorry,” I mumbled. “I’ve had a long day.”

“Me too,” came the telepathic voice through the crystal. “Before we break you out, I feel compelled to warn you that destroying your manacles will expose you to significant danger.”

“How significant?” I asked. Sasha was stirring.

“You might be destroyed instead of your manacles. I think the odds are low, perhaps one percent, but the technique I’m using is difficult to aim. I wanted to get your consent.”

I sighed. “I trust you, Patchouli. If you think it’s worth the risk, go for it.”

“Very well.”

“I’d like to preemptively consent to all such things in the future, because there’s no point scaring me every time we have to do something dangerous,” I added. I thought about it for a moment. “From you only, not from any demons who are listening.” Those koakuma would probably risk my life every chance they could.

“I understand,” she said. “It will also be loud, just to warn you.”

“How loud?” asked Nazrin. I waved to the crystal. “Aww.” I was tickled that she appreciated it, if a bit confused. I had expected a retching noise instead.

“I’m turning off the volume on our side when we do it,” said Patchouli. “It will draw the attention of the oni, I fear.”

I shook Sasha awake. Patchouli also warned her about a chance of death, and my roommate told the witch to shut up and do it already. We grabbed our limited possessions, such as they were, and presented our manacled wrists to the crystal. Patchouli told us to hold still.

There was a bang like a balloon popping. One of Sasha’s manacles opened then fell away. Before it hit the ground it turned to dust that scattered into nothingness despite there being no wind. I strained my eyes looking at it. I was still partially-blinded, and the red light was useless.

Maroon would have liked the light, at least.

“I thought you were going to start with me?” I asked.

“Difficult to aim,” said Patchouli. “Now do the others, please, and the ceiling.”

“What?” It sounded like she was telling me to break them. “And, is this a one percent chance of death per manacle, or…?”

In a quick staccato, Sasha’s manacles popped one-by-one. My own followed shortly after.

“Well, at least it wasn’t so loud,” I said.

The ceiling exploded into a shower of rock and icy shards which shot away and hit the roof of the cavern. Despite being an explosion, it was supremely selective; the roof was punched out like the tab of an aluminum can. The debris disintegrated into nothing, just like the manacles had. In the courtyard behind me I could hear oni yelling and hollering.

“Time to go!” said Sasha as her wings burst from the back of her swimsuit. She pulled on my coat, threading her wings into the holes I’d made for the purpose, and flew into the air. When I leapt after her I was much faster. I shot off past her, then had to double back. “Why the fuck are you so fast?” she asked.

“I’m not as tired as you,” I said, when actually it was because I’d eaten fear at Yuugi’s feast. Patchouli might be listening. “Would you rather piggy-back or be carried in my arms?”

“Wait, humans have wings?” bellowed an oni below. “That’s bullshit.”

She grabbed my shoulders, over my backpack and the wings I’d borrowed. “Just fucking go!”

“But where?” I looked at the crystal. The indicator nail on it turned and pointed into the darkness in response to Nazrin’s magic. After noting the heading I grabbed it and tried to shove it in my bag.

“Stop punching my boob,” muttered Sasha. She took the crystal from me and we took off at high speed. She yanked me to the side. “Watch out for pillars!”

“Sorry!” I said. The sounds of oni retreated behind us.

–

Nazrin used the crystal to lead us down a boulevard. We weren’t going back toward the surface, in fact we were going in almost the opposite direction.

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” I asked. Someone had to say it. In emergency situations in which your course of action is uncertain, it can be good to build consensus, and to stop and spend a few seconds consider what you are doing. Most people hurry too much in emergencies.

“No!” said Sasha. “Got a better one?”

“No.” On we went.

Our emergency forced us to hurry. I flew as fast as I could, throwing my danmaku vectors into the ground. After about two minutes my energy started to flag, so we were forced to land and continue hopping along.

“Your literally meteoric progress at flight is incomprehensible,” said Patchouli. “Watch out!”

We dodged danmaku from a creature with too many limbs and took off into the air.

I continued to fire danmaku into the ground every time we lifted off, a warning-shot but also a declaration of my status. Every once-and-awhile I saw eyes in the darkness, but most of them didn’t approach. A glowing vengeful spirit attacked us and we repelled it with danmaku. After that a rocky troll tried to come up and smash us with its club, but I compelled it to go look for a girl’s bathroom instead.

“Why does nighttime even make a difference for youkai that are underground?” I asked, somewhat rhetorically. I was blasting at a pair of feline eyes that had gotten too close.

“It makes a difference for humans,” said Patchouli. “And therefore it makes a difference for youkai. I’ll be right back.”

At least the bitter cold went away as we went along. Sasha was still wearing her one piece and my coat. My own chest-covering swimsuit and snow pants weren’t really sufficient, but they kept me warm long enough for us to go somewhere merely chilly.

After twenty minutes we approached a large structure. It looked kind of like a castle itself, a carving in the edge of the cavern with square walls and towers. Every one of its windows was stained glass, a splash of colored hexagons that didn’t quite contain any discernible images.

“Is that it?” I asked.

“Yes,” said Nazrin. “I’d like to remind you that locating ‘safety’ didn’t work to find this place.”

“See, that’s exactly the sort of thing I don’t need to know,” I said. “Sasha, I hope you’re right. Let’s go in.”

There was a thundercrack as Yuugi landed right in front of us in a shower of dust.

The orange-haired oni was in her skirt and t-shirt, again. Suika was right behind her and wearing furs. She was her enlarged self, and almost nine feet tall.

“Fuck,” I said, at about the same time as Sasha and Nazrin.

“Unfortunate,” said Patchouli. “Incidentally, I have returned.”

“I’m here to take you back to Hot Springs Town,” said Yuugi. She stretched her arms and legs as though she were about to go for a sprint. “As much as we love fighting, why don’t–”

I hit her with a vector to remind her that we could use danmaku.

“–you make this easy and just give up?” she asked. “I’ll even carry you back.”

Instead of responding, I tried to fly past them, and Sasha had the same thought. We split up. We were so close to possible safety!

Suika whip-cracked her chain in front of me, making me veer off course and hit the ground. She lumbered over, growing taller, and put her giant hand around my torso.

Sasha didn’t fare much better. Yuugi leapt after her and grabbed my coat, tearing it and causing my roommate to scream when her wing was yanked out through a vent hole. The orange-haired oni put Sasha in a headlock, but one with no pressure. The fear scent was intense and invigorating.

“Hah,” said Suika. “Give up.”

I didn’t–I pushed against her fingers. To my amazement I found that her grip was weak and insubstantial. I thought perhaps that her size-changing abilities hadn’t made her stronger. Suika seemed surprised too. I kicked my way out of her grasp and started to run again.

She swelled even more.

“Enough!” bellowed Suika, her voice like the fog horn of an immense ship. Her massive hand fell behind me and pinned my legs, painfully slamming my body into the ground. I looked ahead; the gate of the Palace of the Earth Spirits was just in front of me.

“No!” I shouted, sticking out my arms. I threw my hat, not because it would be useful, but because I couldn’t do anything else.

It took off like a frisbee, imbued with my will.

“Huh?”

“Nice,” said Sasha. “At least you lost your hat again.”

“Hat’s off to you,” said Yuugi.

“Try throwing the crystal instead,” came Patchouli’s voice. I reached for where it was flying above me. Suika tried to flick it, but when I advanced another five feet she pressed her hand down again.

Yuugi leaned over and scooped up a handful of dirt. “Butt-out, coward,” she said. With the sound of a gunshot Yuugi flicked a pebble at the crystal. The crystal, however, dropped just out its way.

“This time I dodged!” said Patchouli. The second shot shattered the communication device into splinters.

“Unfortunate,” I said. I strained to look back at Yuugi. “Lady Hoshiguma, I’d also prefer not to fight.”

“‘Cause you can’t?” she asked. The oni laughed.

“Why are you so insistent that we return?” My negotiating position from under Suika’s giant fingers wasn’t very strong, but I would not give up.

“If you haven’t figured it out by now, I won’t explain,” she said. She let go of Sasha, and offered her my torn coat. Her grin communicated how insignificant she considered our challenge.

“Is it so you can turn us into oni and eat us?” asked Sasha. She couldn’t fly anymore; her wing was broken.

“Oh. Yeah, that’s basically it.”

“Why?” I asked.

“I get hungry.”

“Why turn us to oni first?” I persisted. “You took steps to protect us from your subjects, who you’ve instructed to leave humans alone!” It didn’t make any sense, unless perhaps oni were more nutritious than plain humans–but even then, if we had to eat the flesh of oni to get that way, it would be a net loss. Or would it?

I felt my mind going down a path wondering if consuming the flesh of oni would somehow catalyze our transformation into a more palatable food. Maybe we only needed a single bite for the process to run to completion? But no, Yuugi seemed eager for Sasha to eat more of her brethren.

“I will force you back to the village if I have to,” said Yuugi, helping me focus on the task at hand.

“We are danmaku users!” I said. “You can’t just carry us off!”

“Fine. Stop trying to run, and we’ll settle this the official way.” She flew up into the air. Suika released me and did the same, shrinking back down. “If you run again I’m gonna tell Suika to break your legs!”

“I’m surprised I didn’t,” said the smaller oni.

I got to my feet. It would be a danmaku battle for our lives, one that we’d almost certainly lose–but when it came to contests with the oni, danmaku was a bit better than wrestling.

“What if I were to surrender?” asked Sasha. “Let him go. Just take me.”

“Stop trying to save me!” I said.

“Enough talk!” said Yuugi.

“No, talk some more!” called a pink-haired youkai in pajamas. Satori Komeiji was walking toward us from the structure. “Or just think thoughts. I know it’s hard for you to do both.” She was wearing my hat.

Satori was also flanked by the hellraven Reiuji Utsuho, with a gun on her arm, and the hellcat Kaenbyou Rin, who had a wheelbarrow.

“Ugh,” said Yuugi. She landed on the ground once more. “Nevermind, let’s just go home.”

“Really?” asked Suika.

“No. We can take ‘em.”

“Thank fuck Satori’s here,” mumbled Sasha as she landed.

“At least someone’s glad to see me!” said Satori as she and her minions walked into our midst. The mind-reading youkai handed my hat to me as she passed, and I put it back on my head. “I didn’t expect visitors this late. What seems to be the problem?”

“We–” I started.

“Hush hush,” said Satori, holding up her finger. “Six is difficult enough already, especially when two of them are continuously inebriated.” That didn’t make any sense, but there were eight of us. She was including the two oni and her two pets in the tally of minds to read, and Sasha and myself.. but not herself, and not… who? “You continue to be able to count, but that only adds up to seven.”

“Huh?” I asked. I counted the people there again. Still eight.

“I do have a spare bedroom,” continued Satori. “I empathize. It was her sock, doofus.”

Satori’s mind reading was frustrating, because she’d respond to people semi-randomly. I much preferred Patchouli’s deliberate telepathy, which allowed me to keep some things to myself. I saw Satori frown, and I reminded her that I did like her, but more when we were in small groups, perhaps just three so she could maximally embarrass only two people. Embarrassment never killed me, so I could accept it. I DID LIKE HER.

Her frown went away.

“I’m going to talk to Lady Hoshiguma and Miss Ibuki in private, if you don’t mind,” said Satori. “Actually even if you do.” Satori went to talk to them and her two pets followed, leaving Sasha and us alone.

“We might not be out of the woods yet,” I said.

“I think you mean cavern, and no shit Sherlock,” said Sasha.

“Do you have a thing for him or something?” I asked. She said the phrase so often I worried that the detective was constipated.

“I have a thing for telling people when they’re being idiotic.” She sighed. “I knew Satori would let us stay with her. I hope she has two guest bedrooms, though.”

“I thought you thought my shoulder was comfy,” I said.

“She did!” called Satori, making the oni grumble, and Sasha flipped her off in a companionable way.

I’d enjoyed being close to Sasha, I’d admit. I appreciated the physical affection. She had told me she wasn’t interested in romance with anyone, so our momentary physical closeness couldn’t progress into some sort of actual relationship. That would be silly. Although, not as silly as any other relationship I might pursue.

Satori kept turning to look at me, until one of her minions dragged her further away. She was trying to negotiate with the oni; I shouldn't distract her, I thought.

My face was turning red. At some point I’d have to sit down and disentangle my feelings about Sasha and the others, but that was low on the list of priorities.

“It was a brother-sister sort of thing anyway,” I said to Sasha, not making it a question. Okay, maybe figuring this out was higher on my list than I’d like to admit.

“Yeah,” said Sasha. “And because we were freezing.” Sasha touched the bumps on her forehead. “Dammit, I don’t want to be horny.”

I gave her a look.

“It was funnier in my head.”

“No way, that was hilarious!” shouted Satori from several yards away. “Keep making sexually-charged jokes at Jake! It really releases tension!” Yuugi snapped her fingers in front of Satori and it made a small boom.

“I think these are getting worse, though,” Sasha continued as she rubbed her head. “I’m craving a drink almost as badly as food.”

“What about a cigarette?” I asked. We hadn’t seen any oni smoking, but I knew Sasha’s prior addictions.

“Not at all, funnily enough.” She put down her hands. “A shit trade, if you ask me.”

“Yeah,” I said, relieved that we’d moved on.

A few minutes later Suika and Yuugi flew off toward Hot Springs Town. They didn’t even say goodbye.

“How’d you do that?” I asked.

“I threatened to stop selling their alcohol above,” said Satori. “I also made a few promises.”

–

Satori and her two pets escorted us back to their home, the Palace of the Earth Spirits. There was an immense gate with a much smaller door built into it. We went through it, and through hallways lit from below by glowing mosaics of tile. The palace was dark, but then, it was nighttime.

There were six of us. Utsuho and Rin talked softly with each other as we walked. Eventually they peeled away, leaving the three of us with Satori.

“They’re going to want to battle you next time you come through,” said Satori. “I told them you’d agree, if they promised that they’d compel you to leave instead of compelling you to stay. Which they did promise.”

“Can we trust them?” asked Sasha.

“You can trust them to keep that promise,” she said.

“They’re going to eat our danmaku,” I said with a nod. “That’ll solve their hunger problem.”

“They could have done that in the first place,” added Sasha.

“Actually, it doesn’t solve their problems at all,” said Satori. “I just got them to agree to this ameliorative measure. Their real problems… are a secret!”

“Figures,” I said. Maybe the issue was that Yuugi was eating her subjects and she’d eventually run out. It didn’t make much sense, though. If she’d been eating them for a long time, she should have run out long ago, right? I felt like I was missing something. Something obvious.

“You really are,” said Satori.

I’d have to puzzle it out with Wiki or Patchouli, later.

“You can absolutely stay the weekend!” added Satori, probably responding to Sasha’s thoughts. “Our food is safe to eat, provided that Utsuho didn’t cook it. Speaking of safety, by the way, have you seen my sister?”

“No,” said Sasha, at the same time as Satori’s sister.

“Not since she teleported,” I added. Satori’s head tilted as I remembered events.

Satori grabbed her hair. “AH!”

“What’s wrong?” asked Sasha.

“She’s been with the oni! And they tried to eat her!”

“You didn’t read that from their minds?” I asked.

“Oni are very single-minded,” said Satori. And shameless, I thought. If I’d been close to eating someone’s sister I’d be thinking about it next time I saw them. “And I was distracted. Thanks for saving her life, by the way.”

“Koishi saved our lives first,” I said. “It was the least we could do.” Satori nodded.

“That’s just like her. It’s a shame we don’t know where she is.”

“I know where I am,” said Koishi, but I wasn’t paying attention.

I knew a foolproof way of locating Koishi, so I pulled out another communications crystal. This one was green. It floated into the air.

“How many of those do you have?” asked Sasha.

“For security reasons, I will claim to have brought three or more,” I said. I had four, if you included the two that had already been destroyed.

“I’m glad to see you survived,” said Patchouli. “Yet another youkai has inexplicably come to your aid.”

“I can claim I came to Sasha’s aid, if it makes you feel better,” said Satori. “Glad you understand, Jake. Thanks for including me in the telepathy, Miss Knowledge.”

“You are welcome.”

Satori grinned evilly. “And Nazrin. Yes, I am reading your mind. Yes, he does feel that way.” I quickly made a note that the crystal could convey Satori’s telepathy as well.

“I’m glad you’re still there, Nazrin,” I said. “I have a favor to ask.”

“Sure. Why not,” said the mouse youkai. I could hear the fatigue in her voice, meaning that Patchouli’s telepathy crystal had received multiple upgrades. It was conveying a tone.

“Can you point us toward Koishi?”

“Yes.”

A moment passed.

“She’s standing behind you.”

I jumped, then turned around. Sure enough, Koishi was right there, and had been the whole time. At some point she’d changed back into her normal clothes.

“Sorry,” said the green-haired youkai. Her sister ran up to hug her. “I didn’t want to talk to the oni. I still feel shy.”

“It’s okay,” said Satori, holding her sister close. “It’s okay. I’m just glad you’re safe.”

“See,” I said to Sasha. “Like that.”

“I was there, dumbass,” she replied. Then she smiled. “I’m just glad we’re safe.”