Yakumo Yukari Gapped Me to Another World; Now I'm Trapped in the Human Village Full of Pathetic Touhou Maniacs

“Their willingness to change plans is actually very reassuring,” said Wiki. Our boots crunched on the gravel path through the Forest of Magic. He spoke softly. Our stroll through the woods was for class, officially, because there were still too many students for Keine’s schoolhouse, although the attrition had already started. “Incompetent bureaucracies can’t pivot, because they aren’t competent enough to plan for contingencies.”

“Is that so,” said Sasha. “You have a lot of experience overcoming incompetence?”

“Absolutely,” said Wiki, his eyes narrowed. “Miko said we’d make good roommates, if you recall.”

“I meant at work, jackass. If I was making a dig at you, you’d be chewing on a shovel.” Sasha kicked a rock. Up ahead, Reimu Hakurei herself was leading the group to her shrine and to our first proper danmaku lesson. The schoolhouse had been deemed too small, even if the number of students had fallen precipitously in the last two weeks.

The group mostly walked in silence. I yawned. A few people were walking in pairs, and I realized that our group was a rarity. I was with my full party. At least half of the students had given up, I supposed, or perhaps the other groups had been split up for this class session.

Based upon what I saw, it was more like three-quarters attrition than half. I could be proud of my party. None of them had gone off to an alternate lesson, like Food Prep in the Scarlet Devil Mansion or Artifact Hunting along the Barrier. I’d been particularly worried that Sasha would want to seek riches with Nitori, and that Wiki would join her for another chance to speak to the kappa engineer.

‘Artifacts’ meant random objects appearing near Gensokyo’s boundary.

“My mistake,” said Wiki. “At my workplace… there was more competent than incompetent, I must admit. Still. A stubborn adherence to a plan is the deathgrip of the ineffective.”

“Is that why you slept in this morning?” she asked. “To be more effective?”

“Actually, yes!’

“Don’t jeopardize our studies,” I said. “It’s possible Keine wanted you in her group, instead of Reimu’s.”

“I don’t think it will make much difference,” said Wiki. “Anyway, If you aren’t smart, you can’t change your plans, because you need your plan to protect you. Rules protect children.”

“Humans need rules,” countered Sasha. “That’s what society is.”

“Doesn’t change my point. Humans are awful.” I felt myself bristle. I didn’t want to talk about politics in the land of fantasy.

Sasha narrowed her eyes. “Yeah, they are. But I have a test for you. Name three human danmaku users in Gensokyo.”

“Not even a challenge; Reimu, Marisa, Youmu… Rinnosuke.” The shrine maiden leading us had glanced back at the mention of her name. I gave a small wave, but she didn’t return it.

“You could have named me,” I said as casually as I could.

“I thought Rinnosuke was half youkai?” asked Arnold. Wiki waggled his eyebrows.

“So is Youmu. That makes three!”

“Ahah.” Arnold turned to Sasha. “Is the point.. that there aren’t many humans? ‘Cause they suck?”

“No,” she said. “Now name three youkai?”

“This is a lame test,” said Wiki. “Miss Nazrin, Miss Byakuren…” he put on a shit-eating grin. “Miss Konpaku and Mr. Morichika.”

“Half-youkai shouldn’t count for both questions,” I said.

“Just as I thought,” said Sasha. “Honorifics only for youkai–it seems like you follow the rules just fine.” She fake-whispered to Arnold. “The point was that Wiki’s a hypocrite.”

“I didn’t say the rules were bad,” he said. “Just that, the incompetent can’t change their plans with new information. So I’m glad that Keine–Miss Kamishirasawa–sent us to the shrine with Miss Hakurei. It says good things about her, that she can delegate.”

Hakurei Reimu came to a stop and spun around. “Are you whispering about me, back there?”

“No!” said Arnold, just as Wiki said “Technically!”

“Hmm,” she said, walking up to Wiki. “Winston, right?”

“You know my name?” he asked.

“Yes. I’m good with names.” She flicked a piece of paper she was holding. “You’re not on the list.”

“What list?”

“The list of people Miss Kamishirasawa said were brave enough to become danmaku users,” she responded. “The class list. You aren’t on it.”

“Well, I guess–”

“Have you ever asked a question of Keine on Sunday?” She drummed her fingers on her skirt. “Or perhaps Byakuren or Miko?”

“Wait a minute!” he exclaimed. “It was a test! I knew those sessions weren’t just about making requests!” It was super obvious; the requests never got fulfilled.

“Yes, it was. And it says right here…” she looked at the paper. “It says nothing about you not being a coward. So beat it.” Wiki gave her a mortified look.

I had to say something.

“He did meet Keine’s challenge. We went outside the village to practice multiple times in the first week!” What’s more was that we continued to go out to Kourindou with Reika, every few days. I was the only one who could make danmaku, but I found it extremely helpful, if a little exhausting.

“Ah, so you defied Yukari’s orders,” she said. “Cowardice isn’t your problem, then… However, the escort rule is very important.” She put her fists on her hips. Somehow her purification rod had made it into her hands. She had a small smile.

A very frightening small smile.

“We had an escort!” said Wiki. “Reika Shi… oh… what was her…”

“Shiraki Reika,” said Sasha.

“Yeah!”

Reimu’s mouth worked for a moment. “The… receptionist at the baths? Hmm.”

“That’s the one! We went outside the village with her help, and practiced danmaku. So I should be here!”

She smiled and waved a hand. “Okay then. Nevermind. But stop gossiping about me where I can hear it.” She turned to continue the trek. “Also, I think you’ll be the punching bag today.”

“The what?” Wiki asked, but she didn’t answer.

We’d learn soon enough. The ‘punching bag’ was the student who fought opposite the teacher during danmaku demonstrations. For most martial arts, a demonstration might involve the teacher choosing a random pupil to participate. For danmaku it was a single student for the entirety of each lesson. That one student would be hit over and over by danmaku: thus, the punching bag.

It was meant to help the student build up resistance, or at least gain familiarity with the compulsion of danmaku. When it was your turn to be the punching bag, you’d be worn down and get to experience an ever-worsening compulsion. Supposedly you’d learn something from it.

Reimu led us onward to her shrine, where we would practice. She’d lied, though; since Wiki couldn’t produce danmaku, he wasn’t the first lesson’s punching bag. That was me.

–

The hakurei shrine had beautiful paper walls, small dragon statues, koi fish in a pond, clean slate bricks leading up to the entrance through a dusty courtyard, an empty donation box, and a gaggle of students intently watching my every failure.

–

“...man…” I said as we walked back toward the hut. I was struggling; my legs ached from running and diving to avoid Reimu’s attacks. I had my hat in my hands. It had a giant tear where a seal had smacked my forehead–not part of me yet after all. I was confident I had bruises from Reimu’s homing orbs, as well, or at least from taking one too many dives to the ground.

“I wonder if Raghav got his ass handed to him, too?” asked Wiki. Raghav had been in Keine’s group.

“I hope so,” I said. Thinking of that smug asshole and his snazzy outfit soured my mood. I imagined him getting pummeled with danmaku and his watch breaking. Then I felt bad about it. He didn’t deserve that.

“Cheer up,” said Arnold, patting my back. “You’re still the class star.”

“And we learned a lot,” said Wiki. Mostly I’d learned that Reimu was a harsh teacher, but also that being frustrated and in pain allowed me to fire two blood red arrows in a row instead of just one. I’d fired several bullets that day. None that landed, of course, but several none-the-less.

The lesson had been about dodging rather than attacking. It shouldn’t have surprised me. Reimu spoke about how constant movement was, contrary to intuition, much worse than careful, controlled movements. Running into fire was more likely than running out of it. Move only when necessary, she said. One should dodge with as little effort as possible.

Then she blasted me on my ass over and over, because my maximum effort wasn’t enough whether I moved or not. I’d fired a few shots at her, and she’d drifted out of their way effortlessly and automatically. Reimu could fly, and I couldn’t, and she’d refused to elaborate on how.

At one point I’d gotten frustrated, and she’d said ‘if you cannot overcome your frustration, danmaku is not for you.’ So I gritted my teeth and continued fighting. Every time I was blasted down, I hopped right back onto my feet.

That’s what Reimu had wanted. The compulsion was to not give up. At first I thought it was a kindness, but when it finally wore off I was exhausted, and I found I had been exhausted before it wore off. She’d turned me into a self-righting balloon clown, taking hits on the nose and popping right back up just in time for another swing.

All I wanted to do was sleep. It was noon.

“I’m going to have to go visit the beekeepers,” I said, wiggling my finger through the hole in my hat. “At least my other clothes are mostly unharmed.”

“Oh, bad news,” said Sasha. She pointed behind me, and I looked back to see that my pants had a massive tear in the seat.

“Damn it!”

“I thought you’d noticed,” said Arnold. “You don’t remember taking one in the butt?”

—

I obtained a quick repair for my pants from the seamstress, just in time to work with the beekeepers that afternoon. Speedo guy was there. It seemed that he hadn’t learned his lesson. After they got done trying to shove padded garments in his face, the head beekeeper offered to take away my hat and give me a new one.

“I’m trying to make it a part of myself,” I explained.

“A part of yourself,” said the man, deadpan. “For danmaku.”

“Yes,” I said. He sighed and shook his head.

“I will repair it, then.”

“You don’t approve of danmaku?”

“Would you play-fight with a honed steel blade?” he asked. “Would you fly by leaping from a cliff?”

“Would it work?”I asked. He stared at me. “I mean, I’d practice sword fighting with a stick, first.”

“Sticks are not allowed here,” he said. “Metaphorically. This will look different with a repair.”

“That’s okay.”

“Who broke your hat?”

“Rei–Miss Hakurei.”

“Hmmm, she normally focuses on the youkai. It is good that you fought with her, in some ways.”

“She’s helping Miss Kamishirasawa teach the danmaku class.” The only one of the original four assistants to stick around, it turned out, although I’d heard a rumor about guest lessons.

“She is the gentlest sword in Gensokyo.”

“Metaphorically,” I said. I swallowed, and thought about Sekibanki’s insistence that I leave the human village to fight with her. Fighting and safety were truly incompatible.

—

My muscles didn’t stop hurting before it was time to work the fields the next day. If anything I was in more pain. My pants tore again about three hours in, as well, long after my resolve was in tatters. Wiki and Arnold let me sit for a bit while they pulled weeds, which was a blessing I wasn’t sure I deserved.

“I should carry a needle,” I said, idly pulling at a loose thread.

“This is so boring,” said Wiki, wiping his brow.

“Maybe for you.” I winced as I stood up. “Every movement is exciting for me.”

“You need to be more zen,” said Arnold. “Live in the moment.”

“This moment sucks,” said Wiki.

“At least it’s good exercise.” He flexed an arm. “I haven’t lifted in weeks, still swole as heck.”

“It’s fucking magic,” said Wiki. We’d talked about nutrition; sweet potatoes, and the paltry fare that Arnold purchased, should not have been enough to sustain us. However, even Wiki was growing stronger. “Working is lifting, and lifting is work. Which is why I hate both.”

Arnold made a pose, brandishing his ax.

“Shut up,” Wiki added, sweat dripping down his nose. “Let’s take this to the coop, see if Sasha wants to assist us.”

We made the trek down the hill, our cart a bit easier to handle because we had filled it less. I saw Satori and Sasha talking in the distance. I started to drag my feet.

“C’mon man,” said Arnold.

“I’m tired,” I said. After a moment, Satori started walking away with someone whose name and face I couldn’t remember. “I’m sorry, guys, can I catch my breath?”

“If we didn’t have work to do, I’d make you do cardio,” said Arnold. He frowned at me, but Wiki simply dropped the cart’s handle and slumped on the ground. I waited for a minute to let the youkai get far enough away that I was confident she might not read my mind.

I really should have asked Sekibanki how to handle that. The problem was, whenever we met Satori was out of sight, and thus out of mind. I considered asking Wiki instead, and decided against saying anything. The biggest secret was that I had a secret at all.

After we’d finished our work we always went to the bathhouse. Reika was always there. We paid for laundry tickets. I almost trudged into the changing room without a word, but I had been thinking of a question for her all day, and I had to take advantage of a perfect excuse to ask it.

I started to explain, and Arnold and Wiki patiently waited. Yeah, those guys were alright. Sasha hadn’t hesitated to walk off.

“Advice for fighting someone much more powerful than yourself…” said Reika. I nodded. “Are you picking fights? What happened to your pants?”

“No, nothing like that,” I said. “Reimu destroyed my pants.”

She looked thoughtful as she decided how to respond. Finally she snapped her fingers. “Nice!”

“It really works better if it was underwear,” said Arnold apologetically.

“Not nice!”

“It was kind of both,” I said. I explained some of my struggles that day–that Reimu had pummeled me as a demonstration and I’d felt powerless. I almost forgot the fact that I was really asking how to fight Sekibanki. ”Anyway… what should I do next time I’m outclassed?”

“Well, with youkai, running and screaming might amuse and sate them enough that they’d spare you,” she said. Reika touched her cheek. “That doesn’t work on Miss Hakurei. She’ll chase you down even harder.”

“She’s like a bulldog,” suggested Wiki.

“Don’t say that to her face, unless you invite me to watch first. For any danmaku battle, you’ve got to remember the Spell Card rules.”

“It would help if someone knew them and could tell me,” I said.

“I’m going to go get naked and have a bath,” interjected Arnold. He walked off.

“A major rule is that danmaku is about expression and emotion,” said Reika. “It might be that you… Reimu might have… wow, this is surprisingly hard to explain.”

“I appreciate it,” I said.

“Danmaku is like a conversation, you know?”

“In that you convey your emotions?” My tired brain imagined emitting a cloud of emoji as danmaku. I felt grateful that my bullets weren’t poop-shaped.

“Yes, but it’s also an exchange, a… a dance, really. It sounds like you let Reimu do all the talking yesterday. If you’d tried to say more, she might have paused to listen.”

“I fired two shots at her!” I said. “I’ve never made two in a row before!” I’d made less than ten bullets total, in fact.

“Two,” she said. “Well, I suppose that’s impressive… great for a novice.”

“No it isn’t,” said Wiki.

“True. You’ll have to learn to produce more than that.” Reika shrugged. “You might think that you should only fire if you are likely to hit… that’s not how danmaku works, though. You should constantly be emitting danmaku, to express yourself.”

I sighed. “Thanks, Reika. By the way, do you know how to fly?”

She chuckled. “You should talk to a magician about that. A human one.”

“Aren’t you?” asked Wiki.

“I know danmaku, and that’s about it. No real magic.”

“It’s not the same thing?”

“To the uninitiated, maybe.” Reika smiled sweetly at him. Wiki sighed and turned to me.

“Well, at least Reimu said you won’t be the punching bag again. Not for a while, so you've got a lot of time to get better.” Unfortunately, my fight with Sekibanki was only a day away.

“Best of luck, Mister Thorne,” said Reika. “You could always beg for mercy.”

“Thanks,” I said.

“Also, Mister Wiki,” she went on, making me snort. “I did want to ask you about the human magicians in Gensokyo. Does the lore mention them?”

“Oh, extensively!”

I walked toward the changing area; I didn’t have enough energy for one of Wiki’s lore dumps.

–

The surprising thing about the next day was that I didn’t hurt all that much, all things considered. My muscles were sore and I was tired, but I was getting used to that.

I went to the Hakurei Shrine with the class again. This time Wiki was the punching bag–and this time we paired off and sparred against other students. I thought he was going to get off easy, but then Reimu wrecked him with a Fantasy Seal. He laid down on the ground after that.

“Alright, class. Let us practice while Winston recovers. If you cannot produce danmaku, use slow strikes.” Reimu had taught us how to strike each other to ‘possibly encourage danmaku to appear’. The entire class was gently slapping at each other, and dodging, as instructed.

I was facing Sasha. She was low to the ground, ready to leap out of the way. She’d worn her spiked collar. I wondered if it was part of her identity, yet, or if it would break under danmaku.

It didn’t matter much. I doubted I’d be able to hit her.

Sasha stuck out her hand and nothing appeared. Then she moved it toward me perhaps a little faster than we were supposed to, and I stepped back. After a moment she took another step forward.

“Well, come at me,” she said. I tried to gather some will and fire my own danmaku, focusing on the feeling of wanting to spar so that we both might grow stronger. I stuck out my own hand, to no effect.

“Hmm,” I said, feeling some sweat under my hat.

“Performance anxiety, huh? Don’t worry. I’m not judgemental.”

“Thanks.”

“Am I the problem?” she asked. “I can make you want to fight me. On second thought, you’re a weak asshole, I’m absolutely judging you.”

I laughed. “I know you don’t mean it.”

“I could try to mean it, if it would help,” she said. She stepped forward and I stepped back. “Hold still so I can slap some sense into you.”

“I’ve enough sense,” I said, but then she slapped me. It stung. “C’mon, that was way too fast.”

“Be faster, then,” she said, swinging again. I caught her wrist.

“Stop trying to deck me, Sasha.”

“Let go,” she said, surprisingly venomously. “I’m not trying to deck you. You’d know.”

“Still,” I said. “I don’t like being slapped.”

“That’s fair, but I’m still going baby-mode on you.” She looked angry. I let her wrist go.

“Are you angry?” I asked.

“Yeah, actually. Don’t grab me. Also, I’m kind of pissed that you aren’t hitting me back.” She put up her fists, close-palmed. “Is it ‘cause I’m a woman?”

“I’m trying.” I gestured; no danmaku. “I don’t think it’s ‘cause you are a woman.” To be honest, I really didn’t want to accidentally hit her too hard. I’d probably not have felt that way about Wiki.

“You see Reimu as a threat, but not me.” That was entirely unfair, because Reimu actually was a thousand times more dangerous than Sasha. I wisely didn’t say anything.

“My emotions just aren’t in the right state for this.” I said. “Give me a minute.”

“It wasn’t a problem last time, was it?” she asked.

I blinked. Sasha had a point. I had effortlessly produced danmaku during a fight, not needing to meditate, or even feel any particular emotion. I had just… made danmaku, without thinking. I had been so in the moment I barely remembered it.

Maybe the problem really was the lack of danger?

“Alright,” I said. “You can try a little harder. Just don’t kick me, okay?”

“What’s to kick,” she said, leaping forward to swipe at my face. I stepped back, and tried to hit her with danmaku. Once again, nothing happened.

Sasha was surprisingly fast and relentless. She stopped bothering with trying danmaku and just focused on smacking my face. She wasn’t swinging with maximum intensity, I could tell, but she was getting increasingly frustrated. I felt one of her nails graze my cheek.

“Whoa there!”

“You fucker, you’re faster than you look!”

“Reimu was putting me through my paces just two days ago.” I said. Sasha growled. “I got practice!”

She swung her hand and a green blade of light shot up into the air right past my nose. It sailed away into the sky, on a long arc, then burst into smoke in the open air.

“You–you did it!”

“Holy shit! I did!” She didn’t stop attacking me.

“Wow!” shouted Arnold. His sparring partner reached up and gently slapped his face. He didn’t move. “Way to go, Sasha!” He was slapped twice more, ineptly. Even Arnold’s sparring partner was staring at us.

Sasha chuckled, breathing hard. “Fucking green. Of course it is.”

“Let me guess, you wanted black?” I said.

“Nah. I wanted to hit you.” She swung her arm and another green blade shot out. It was a flying crescent, like the rounded blade of a battle ax. I ducked it. “Stop moving, asshole!”

“Two already?”

“As many as it takes!” She gestured, but this time it was a misfire.

“Don’t go crazy!” I laughed, feeling joy. Sasha had been trying, and had succeeded. It was worth celebrating. A red spike blossomed from my hand and flew straight toward her. Sasha leapt out of the way, of course.

“Back up!” called Reimu to the students who were gathering around us. “Give ‘em space!”

Sasha gestured again, but no green blade appeared. Then she charged me. Later, Wiki would say ‘all that is important is that you strike the enemy.’ He’d compliment her tenacity. Sasha wasn’t focused on using danmaku at that moment; she was focused on winning a contest.

It made her much more effective, but in that moment I stepped to the side and tripped her. Automatically.

“Sorry!” Before I could consider whether tripping was allowed during our friendly spar, a green blade leapt up from the ground. It flew through my side, up my neck, and out of the top of my head. It stung like an electric shock.

In a fair world, that would have been it. Sasha would have won our danmaku fight, becoming the new star of the class.

It would be so easy to just let her have the win. It would be fair, in a sense, to let her advancement be a triumph. Reimu had already beaten me into submission once. I’d tried to retain my will then, and failed–but I was already getting stronger.

Perhaps, in videogame terms, I now had two lives.

While my red shirt was intact, my favorite hat fell to the ground in halves. My thoughts became icy. What a pointlessly-destructive pride for Sasha to display. I had the thought I’d rather defeat her.

No less than a dozen red spikes shot out from me in every direction. One hit her in the abdomen. I hadn’t been trying to hurt her, and it didn’t look like it hurt all that much, but she doubled over. Sasha fell and gasped on the ground.

“Asshole.”

“Bi–” I said, then I bit my tongue. “Way to go, anyway.” My good cheer had evaporated with the danmaku.

I offered her my hand so she could get to her feet. It’s better to catch your breath while standing. To my relief, she took it. A strange calm had come over me. I’d wanted the battle to be over, and I’d gotten what I wanted, I supposed. I realized I was breathing hard.

“Excellent,” said Reimu as she walked over. “Choose new partners.”

“Let me congratulate my friend, at least,” I said.

“Whatever,” said Sasha. “If my last attack had landed, I would have won!”

“Uhhh,” I said, looking down at my sliced hat.

“Can we have a rematch?”

“No,” said Reimu. “No, because there are other students. They might benefit from your interaction with them. You obviously did, with him.”

Sasha’s mouth tightened into a frown.

“Beyond that,” said Reimu, pointing at me, “I’d be surprised if this one can even manage another burst today at all.”

Fuck, I thought. My fight with Sekibanki was supposed to be that. Evening. Fuck.

Fuck.