Wanderer of the Zerg

77



Chapter 77: Diary

“September 12. Overcast, turning to light rain at night.

I’ve been free from that nightmare for a while now. Recently, I’ve been feeling uneasy, waking up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night. Only the light can calm me, its brightness keeping the darkness at bay, much like his sunlight pulling me out of the gloom.

He sleeps beside me, always sleeping soundly, and since he became pregnant, he sleeps even more deeply. I don’t have to worry about waking them.

Yes, I like using ‘them.’ We are about to welcome a new member. Perhaps this new member will be like my love, sleeping soundly through the night, undisturbed by anything.

This reminds me of last summer, on a stiflingly hot night when I came home late and forgot my keys. I knocked hard on the door and windows, even waking our neighbors who came out to see what was happening, but he never woke up.

The next day, I asked him if he heard anything, and he said he slept well and didn’t hear a thing.

I’ve teased him about this several times, and he remains carefree. Only someone like him could put up with someone as sensitive and fragile as me.

Today we talked about names. He said he hopes to name the child ‘Hai’ (Sea), wishing for him to be as vast and profound as the sea.

No matter how vast the sea is, it’s still bound by gravity. I hope he will be like the sky, free to go wherever he wants and do what he likes.”

“November 13. Snowfall in the morning, light breeze.

For the past half month, I haven’t felt like writing. I can’t sit still and feel restless. Perhaps it’s due to the cold, disrupting my routine and leaving me exhausted.

I started this new journal when I learned about his pregnancy, intending to give it to the child as a gift upon his birth. Now, as I flip through it, I see only a few pages filled, which makes me feel quite ashamed.

He said he wants to join a new mission with the troops, fearing my opposition, so he decided to act first and inform me later. I really can’t do anything about him.

This mission is merely about exploring a new star, which involves passing through the famous educational Krobaser star system. I suspect he wants to take the opportunity to pick up some things for the child, given that our household finances aren’t enough to support interstellar travel.

I don’t know why, but I’m filled with anxiety, and I don’t want him to leave. Maybe it’s because the child’s birth is approaching and I’m too nervous, as I always am.

Hope all goes well.”

“January 3. He’s gone, gone, never to be seen again.”

“February 3.

Days and nights are reversed, waking up not knowing the date.

Full of dreams, weak body, cold, and tearful.

He stands on the other side of the Styx, no matter how I call, he doesn’t respond.

Surviving till now, I should be grateful to the heavens, as I don’t belong to this world.

Instead of gratitude, I resent the heavens, deserving punishment.

But why must this punishment fall on him?

Why not take my life?

Is it all because of that ridiculous, absurd experiment?

Ridiculous, ridiculous!”

“March 1. Sunny.

Things buried in my teenage years are being pulled from the corners of my memory, things I thought I’d forgotten, but they feel as clear as yesterday.”

“I was born in a laboratory where there were only two kinds of people: experimenters and subjects.

The experimenters always wore high hats, masks, gloves, and white coats, and their words were always commands.

The subjects were biologically identical to me in every way—same appearance, same voice, same DNA.

They wielded the knives, and we were the meat.

Yes, I am a clone. My birth was solely to serve as a lab rat.

My original was a male from the new technological era, Song Huishan.

The experimenters believed that Song Huishan’s political success was due to his ability to manipulate and perceive people’s minds, which made all the insectoids fanatically loyal to him. They believed this ability resided in his brain.

The experimenters didn’t mind us knowing our origins. Song Huishan’s portrait hung in the corridor. After all, in their eyes, the clones existed only to conduct brain experiments to explore how such a mysterious ability could arise.

Song Huishan’s body was frozen in ice, and the experimenters extracted genes from him to clone lab rats.

The experimenters were all females. They looked down on males and didn’t believe males could possess intelligence superior to females. This made me think the outside world was dominated by females over males.

The males ate and slept together, calling each other by numbers. I was Number 74.

The experimenters visited regularly, each time taking away at least two males as experimental and control groups. Few males ever returned intact.

Unlike other numbered males, I loved asking why, even if it meant being reprimanded and punished.

Each clone was a precious and irreplaceable resource; good steel had to be used on the blade. They couldn’t harm me outside the lab.

I had long known their limits, so I acted recklessly.

Before long, a high-ranking experimenter took me away.

In the lab, he reviewed my test records and asked, ‘Why are you more like Song Huishan than the other clones? No, you are more remarkable than he was at your age.’

He separated a small group of males to mimic my daily behavior, but no one like me ever appeared again.

As the experiment progressed, my occasional words made the high-ranking experimenters increasingly convinced that I was the unique candidate they needed—the one with the mind-control ability.

Because I was too special, the experimenters studying the secret of ‘mind control’ through dissection didn’t dare to easily lay a hand on me.”

“Only after I became an adult and my brain stopped developing could they use my cells to clone the next batch of ‘lab rats.’

In the experimental building area, I became the freest one. The females could not harm me and had to protect me.

The other numbered males, the ‘Hasang Songs,’ secretly defamed and ostracized me. They thought I was an anomaly, not realizing we were all anomalies.

The introduction text under Song Huishan’s portrait was written in Pinyin. The females steadfastly referred to him as ‘Hasang Song,’ using the style from 200 years ago when females held the dominant position.

While I was voraciously absorbing external knowledge like a sponge in the lab, a male escape incident occurred. It was said that he ran to the residential area outside the experimental building and was later shot dead by armed personnel. His body, like those of other dissected and useless males, was sent to the underground incinerator for harmless treatment and finally thrown into the sewage system that disposed of waste between buildings.

My curiosity about the world of knowledge and my indifference towards other clones gained the trust of the senior experimenter. He occasionally vented some useless complaints to me.

After a few times, I learned that I reminded him of his child.

That child was named Cody Lane, his deceased husband’s posthumous child. He recounted those trivial matters over and over, while I casually read my books.

Later, I met Cody. He was well-protected and unaware of the dangers of the world. Naively, he believed that this research institute existed solely for scientific research.

With the tacit approval of the senior experimenter, Cody sneaked me out a few times.

This foolish boy, Cody, thought he was sneaking out successfully, not knowing that over ten armed personnel with advanced weapons were hidden, ready to kill me if I showed any sign of escaping.

But the last time, Cody took me out without the armed personnel following us. I initially thought it was a test and observed carefully for a long time until I saw the experimental building engulfed in flames and heard explosions echoing across the sky. Only then did I realize my chance had come.

I left Cody behind and ran forward without stopping, not daring to stay in one place or call out loudly, fearing they would emerge from somewhere and capture me again, waiting to become their fish on the chopping block after reaching adulthood.

I observed the crowd for three days before daring to go deeper, ensuring there was no danger.

When they discovered I was a male, I thought the tall females would beat me to death. Instead, they looked regretful and said, ‘How could a young male insect end up like this?’

It took a long time for me to realize the outside world was different from the experimental building.

At that time, I thought my life would no longer be tragic. However, the tragedy only came later.

Looking back repeatedly over my life, I hoped to find the mistake that caused his departure. The deeper I dug, the more I felt my existence was a mistake. I caused his death, making him unable to see his family again at such a young age.

If we hadn’t met, we wouldn’t have known each other. If we hadn’t known each other, we wouldn’t have loved each other. If we hadn’t loved each other, we could have…

I couldn’t do it.”

“April 18. Torrential rain

I used to fear nightmares at night. Now he no longer appears in my dreams. Is Heaven trying to take away my only chance to see him?”

“May 1. Bright sun

I saw him holding our child, saying to me, ‘Come, we are just waiting for you to join us as a family.’”

“May 4th. Overcast.

The weather is bad, but my mood is exceptionally light. I saw Cody, and after not cooking for a long time, my skills are almost rusty.

Cody told me he is going to pursue a PhD in biology and that the new direction of scientific research is cognitive science. They are recruiting experimenters to study the brain or mind mechanisms through experiments, which is much better than the previous barbaric behavior of just doing craniotomies.

He talked about many new experimental instruments, like X-rays, which can show which areas of the brain have what functions.

I don’t remember much, but today I am very excited.

Once I hand over my notes on the so-called ‘mind-controlling’ ability from these years to him, I will be completely free.

But I must not let Lake see it, he would be jealous.

I will also include this diary in it for him, so Lake won’t think there’s anything between us.

I miss you so much, Lake.”

“May 6th. Sunny, 20℃-29℃.

I stayed here for two more days, only to learn of his death.

The valuable information he gave me has become unique, I could even hide it and claim it as my own.

The person who was joking with me just the day before yesterday, how could he be gone just like that?

Emotions are truly incomprehensible things, making one person willing to die for another.

Forget it, I will continue to study the relationship between cognition and behavior.

To avoid smudging his handwriting, I can only write this on paper and insert it into this book.

What is it all for?

Cody, 25 years old.”


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