Vic Owens: Paranormal Advisor

“Hurry it up. I’ve got things to do,” Vic said.

“It’s eleven at night,” Maya responded. “What random things could you possibly have left to do? You’re going to go to sleep as soon as you get home, aren’t you?”

“None of your concern. Get me a pop and a pack of smokes while you're inside. I’ll take it off your tab.”

“Gee, thanks,” Maya said with a heavy sigh. She opened the car door and got out, then poked her head through the open window. “Have you ever considered that you drink too much pop? And you really need to quit smoking. It will kill you eventually.”

“One hundred years strong. I must be doing something right.” Vic shrugged his shoulders and shooed Maya away toward the Trippy Trip Convenience Store.

Maya went into the store while Vic reclined in his seat and folded his hands behind his head, exhausted. It had been a long, long day. Maya and him had been cruising the town from sunrise to sunset, and then some. They were supposed to be continuing the search for unknown members of The Nines, but for the first time in days, Vic had received a number of calls around town to attend to. An unusually high number. He had wanted to drop Maya off at home but she insisted on tagging along, a fight he quickly grew tired of and gave in to her persistent nagging.

The themes of the calls involved stolen sandwiches and various verbal assaults. There had seriously been three calls involving lunches being stolen from three different restaurants. The patrons had all described some weasley-looking monster dashing into the restaurants and scampering away with people’s lunches. The only thing Vic had to work with from the descriptions was that the monster was hairy—you know, like a weasel. Extremely helpful. He told the victims that he would patrol the streets until he caught the little hamburglar. They said they hoped the thing was punished severely, as all monsterkind should be. Vic had struggled to keep his mouth shut at their comments. Hours later, he still hadn’t found the weasel. Maybe Carlsberg would run into it.

Digging in his pocket, Vic fished out his pack of cigarettes and found he still had one left. It was a miracle, his nicotine levels had dropped to dangerous lows. He lit it and took a long drag, then looked out the window toward the Trippy Trip to see what was taking Maya an eternity. Through the storefront window he saw that she was standing in front of the beef jerky section, tapping her foot and running her finger across the different brands, unable to make a final decision.

But something else caught Vic’s eye. Standing on the sidewalk and pressed against the large window was a nasty, underdressed troll. He left gummy streaks across the glass when he moved his hands. A gentle breeze kept his loincloth afloat, revealing a dirty ass and more wart-covered skin than Vic had ever cared to see. Mercifully, the troll was wearing a dirt-stained tank top to keep his tits at bay.

The troll was doing something peculiar. He seemed to be watching Maya, turning his head to follow her as she walked up and down the aisles.

“What is this creep up to?” Vic was getting a bad vibe from this particular troll—as he did from most of them. But something was off here. He didn’t like how this one was staring at Maya.

Vic kept an eye on the troll while he remained mashed against the window. Then the thing made a surprise move for the front door. Vic flew out of the car, ran up behind him, and flicked his cigarette at the back of the troll’s head.

Smoke continued rising from the smoldering cigarette even after it fell inside the troll’s tank top. The short beast let loose a low rumble of a growl, Vic feeling the vibration in his body. The troll let go of the door handle and tried reaching for the cigarette in the back of his shirt, but his inflexible arms couldn’t reach the right spot.

With great amusement, Vic watched on while the troll shimmied and shook his grotesque body, making the cigarette roll down the crack of his ass and fall on the pavement. Taking his rancid foot, adorned by yellow, crusted toenails, the troll stomped on the cigarette, extinguishing it. He turned around, gritted his moss-covered teeth, and moved his hollow gaze up toward Vic.

“I’m florna smeck blor ace.” The troll sounded like his mouth was full of rocks. He drew his fist back dramatically and then thrust it ahead.

Oh, shit!

One key element Vic had forgotten to take into account before approaching the troll was that those small-statured creatures had superhuman strength … times two. On the plus side of this sudden remembrance, Vic got between Maya and the troll quicker by means of being launched through the storefront window.

The glass shattered without any resistance. Vic imagined the owner had picked the cheapest brand to save a few bucks—a choice they’d certainly regret when they came to check up on the store later. Maya and the cashier both screamed as Vic rolled past them. The cashier tossed a magazine in the air and ducked behind the counter.

A beer display brought Vic’s rolling to a sudden stop. Cans clanged and bounced off the floor and a handful of bottles from near the top fell and smashed, spilling their golden nectar and forming a large puddle. Vic took a moment to pop the top off one of the unbroken bottles and had himself a few long swigs before the troll came in. The beer was room temperature, but it didn’t stop him from enjoying it. And maybe the alcohol would help numb the painful wounds he’d likely be receiving during this fight.

An electronic bell chimed when the automatic doors slid open and the troll came marching through. He had chosen to use the doors instead of the smashed out window. How civil. As they closed behind him, another gust of wind lifted the front of his loincloth, providing everyone in attendance with a very unwelcomed gift.

Maya averted her eyes, and when she lifted her hand a purple bolt zipped out and zapped the troll, but it barely phased him. If anything, it only agitated the little monster. He turned his sights on her and lunged ahead. Maya, falling back toward Vic, was able to blast the scantily clad troll with magic again, this time knocking him over. Was she getting the hang of her powers? He quickly recovered, got to his feet, and took off after her.

Reacting a split second after the troll, Vic grabbed a beer can and whipped the twelve ounce weapon, smoking the monster square in the forehead. The strike dazed him long enough to buy Maya time to get behind Vic while he got to his feet.

The troll shook his head, regaining his senses. He looked past Vic, to Maya. No matter what Vic did to him, the troll only had eyes for the human, not giving a single shit about the elf blocking the path.

“You’re dealing with me, not her,” Vic said, putting his dukes up. He prayed with his whole heart that the undersized loincloth stayed in place.

No sooner had he finished his sentence than crooked knuckles struck him across the face. His jaw felt like it broke into a thousand pieces, and he stumbled back a few steps, landing against Maya, who gave him a light shove to keep him on his feet, but instead sent him back into the ring like a beaten boxer. He took another blow before he managed to bury a boot in the troll’s midsection. Then Vic backed up and charged ahead, delivering a shoulder ram that sent the troll flying into a shelf, knocking it over and starting a domino effect as all the shelves bashed and toppled. The sounds of cans smashing and glass shattering were loud, and a nice interruption to the cashier’s incessant screaming.

The moment was short lived because the troll bounced to his feet like nothing had happened. He brushed crumbs, from an exploded bag of chocolate chip cookies, from his hairy chest.

“Hey, bud,” Vic called out. “You’re really wrecking the place. Think you could tone it down a little?”

Ignoring the request, or too dumb to understand, the troll bounded ahead, wrapped his arms around Vic’s waist, and hoisted him up, driving them both into the beverage coolers. They exchanged punches from laying on the floor all the way to standing on their feet. Vic caught a glimpse of Maya attempting to use her magic attack, but it was sputtering once again.

I can’t take many more hits, Vic thought. I’ve got to put this thing down now. He was winded and fading quickly. The troll's fists were stronger, but Vic’s were faster. He unleashed a series of strikes to the face and neck, dazing the troll.

Vic was about to finish the fight with a flying knee to the face, but the troll surprised him with a different plan by grabbing his ankle and whipping him on top of the already wrecked beer display. It hurt much worse this time.

Good lord, Vic thought. I’m gonna lose this fight. My ace in the hole is gun shy. How the fuck can I get out of this? Lying on his back, he fumbled around with his hand until he landed on something of use—a broken glass bottle. He gripped the good end, brought it in close to his side, and propped up on his elbows. “Hey, ugly. You better end me, or you’re going to be missing some teeth … more than you’re missing already.”

After touching the gaps where his teeth should’ve been, the troll bellowed and flexed all of his muscles. Then he dove like a pro wrestler from the top turnbuckle.

Waiting until the last possible second, Vic raised his arm just as the troll crashed on top of him. The jagged glass slid smoothly into the troll’s neck and the heavy beast slumped on top of him.

“Did you kill it?” Maya asked in a trembling voice.

Vic pushed the troll off and it hit the floor with a loud thump. “Looks pretty dead to me.” He crawled out of the wreckage and pushed himself up with shaky arms. His whole body hurt. It had to have been at least fifty years since he’d fought something that strong—and came out victorious on top of that. He needed ice and a heating pad … and alcohol.

A forehead and pair of eyeballs peaked from behind the front counter. Vic limped in that direction and the scared cashier dipped back down out of sight.

“You can come out now,” Vic said. “The bad monster is dead.” He leaned over the counter to see the cashier cowering below.

“How do I know you’re not the bad one?” the cashier asked. “You were just as crazy. How do I know you’re not lying and you’re just going to snap my neck as soon as I stand up?”

Vic rolled his eyes and glanced at the large cork board hanging on the wall behind the register. He spotted an ad that would help. “There,” he said, pointing. “There’s a flier right behind you. It’s got a picture of me, paranormal advisor for Raven’s Hope.”

She timidly turned her head to the board and spotted the flier, reading it carefully. “It is you. OK. Proof accepted.” She stood and gasped when she saw what had become of the store. “Oh, no,” she whined. “I’m in such deep shit. My boss will never believe my story. He’s going to fire me. Then I’ll lose my apartment. Then I’ll turn to drugs. Then they’ll find me dead in a sewer somewhere.”

“Relax,” Vic said, digging in his wallet. “I’m sure they’ll find you above ground.” He grabbed a business card and handed it to her. “Here’s the contact info for the Aligned Monster Society. They handle stuff like this all the time. It’s one of the many services they provide for the town. Your boss won’t have to worry about a thing. The society has a crew that comes in and cleans up after monster mayhem. Free of charge. Hell, they might even cut him a check for suffering through the inconvenience. You … well you won’t get anything. But you’ll keep your job, at least.”

“Thanks,” the cashier said. “My wonderful, wonderful job.”

Vic threw a wad of cash on the counter. “Ring me up for a case of beer. And tell you what, you can keep whatever’s left for yourself.”

“Wowee,” the cashier said, counting the cash. “That’ll be like two whole dollars.”

“See,” Vic said, snapping his finger. “That’s the spirit. Good things happen to good people. Karma.”

“Vic! Vic! Come look at this.”

Maya knelt over the troll, messing with his arm.

“Didn’t anyone ever tell you not to play with dead things?” Vic strolled to the action.

“Look at his arm, Vic. He’s got the brand of The Nines.”

Vic took a knee and got a closer look. He carefully draped the loincloth over the area it should’ve been covering. Then he checked out the arm. Sure as shit, there was a number nine, with a circle around it, burnt into it.

Maya poked at the marking. “I wonder why Billy and this troll had a circle around the number nine? My parents both had a triangle around theirs. I didn’t get a look at Rudy’s, but I bet he had the circle also.”

Vic glanced about the store, not exactly sure what he was expecting to see. Maybe more trolls? The rest of The Nines? “Why would they pick a lowly troll to be on the team? I saw him in the parking lot. He was drawn to you, and it was hard to keep his attention focused on me instead of attacking you. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that we ran into him and that he happened to be in The Nines.”

“You think someone sent him after us?” Maya asked with a sudden shiver. She looked at her hands. “I need to get this magic thing figured out fast.”

Vic got to his feet and helped Maya up. “Yeah, like yesterday. I can’t handle many more fights like that on my own. Someone definitely sent him. Not after us, I don’t think. Specifically you. I just happened to be in the way.”

“I need to go home and get on the computer. I can figure out this magic stuff before next time. I’m really good at studying. I might have to put my podcast on a brief hiatus, but—”

“What happens if I’m not in the way next time?” Vic asked. “Your magic abilities aren’t fully-cooked, yet. I’m not trying to be fresh with you, but I think it’s best if you stay at my place. At least for tonight. It’ll give us a chance to regroup and figure out how in over our heads we are. If I leave you alone and another member is sent after you, you might not be so lucky.”

Maya took her time thinking it over. “Can I stay at my place? I’d feel safer in my familiar zone. Plus Chelsea is there. I want to warn her about what’s happening to me. I can’t leave her alone and in the dark. You can stand guard in the living room. Or sleep on the couch. Do you sleep?”

“That’s fine,” Vic said. “But I will need some sleep. I’m not a damn vampire.” He motioned for Maya to follow him as he headed for the exit of the Trippy Trip.

“Don’t forget your beer,” the cashier said, before Vic got through the door.

“Shit!” Vic hustled to grab his case and then made it through the automatic doors and got in the car.

Maya got in the passengers side and said, “Let’s get out of here, quick. I got a sudden case of the heebie jeebies. We’re in real hot water, aren’t we? Like boiling?”

“Someone is definitely aware that we are infiltrating the group,” Vic said, leaving the parking lot and turning onto the streets. “But we’ve seemingly taken down three members of The Nines already. Maybe the rest will be pushovers as well.”

“I wouldn’t say pushovers,” Maya said. “I saw the way you hobbled to the car. And you’re covered in cuts and purple bruises. We better pray that the members don’t get stronger, like we’re working our way to some sort of boss battle.” She ran her hands through her curly hair. “How am I going to explain all this to Chelsea? Especially why we need a security elf sleeping on our couch, and not on our shelf.”