Vell Harlan and the Doomsday Dorms

“Hey buddy,” Vell said. Freddy let him in, as Vell had once again found himself knocking on Freddy’s door to check on a possible apocalypse.

“Hey Vell” Freddy said. He checked behind Vell to see if Harley had come along. She hadn’t. “What’s up?”

“Well I heard you were having some serious problems with one of your roommates projects, and I came to check it out,” Vell said. “Avoid, you know, another round of problems.”

Freddy, as one of the school’s more advanced students, ended up getting involved in a lot of complicated -and potentially apocalyptic- projects. The loopers liked to keep an eye on him and his roommates, just in case.

“Yeah, one of my roommates actually was having a bit of trouble,” Freddy admitted. “I’m sure he wouldn’t mind you checking it out.”

Freddy welcomed Vell inside, scooting aside a bit of furniture to give Vell easy access to what appeared to be some kind of massive lasergun.

“So what’s that?” Vell asked.

“A dehydration ray,” Freddy said. “It destroys water.”

Vell put his hand on his chin and considered the logistics of destroying water, and all the many, many ways that could go wrong.

“Two questions,” Vell began.

“Okay,” Freddy said.

“Why do you have a lasergun that destroys water?”

“My roommate thought it would be cool.”

“Okay. Second question: Why is it pointed out the window?”

“Well it’s malfunctioning, so I don’t want it accidentally pointed at any people.”

“Freddy.”

“Yeah?”

“We’re, uh, on an island,” Vell said. “Out the window is where the ocean is.”

“Oh.”

The malfunctioning machine blinked on, and the ocean blinked away. The machine had done it’s job -it had removed water. Vell grabbed onto the nearest doorframe with one hand, and grabbed on to Freddy with the other, and held on for not-so-dear life.

The entire artificial island experienced a brief moment of weightlessness before it started to plummet. The metal column that anchored the island to the ocean’s floor could not support the entire campus’s weight, and it cracked all but instantly, filling the empty space where an ocean had been with the echoes of splintering steel as the artificial island plummeted through the open air.

To the eternal credit of the campus architects, most of the buildings barely rattled upon impact -except, of course, for the hazardous materials lab, which had exploded for far more trifling reasons than a plummet to the ocean floor. A series of unstable chain reactions set off seventeen consecutive fireballs, three chemical eruptions, and a single small black hole, which consumed fifteen of the seventeen fireballs before snuffing itself out. Thankfully, even a campus planner insane enough to build their entire school on a false island miles out to sea had been sane enough to put a lab labeled “hazardous materials” far from every other building. The explosive lab burned itself to ash while the rest of the campus dealt with the ongoing seabed collision.

The initial impact shattered every window and knocked loose anything that wasn’t nailed down, but the chaos didn’t stop there. The sea floor the school landed on was just slightly uneven, leading the entire island to lean slightly to one side at a fifteen degree angle. A relatively shallow tilt, but still more than enough to wreak absolute hell on what was left of any and all interior decoration, covering the dorms in debris until everything finally settled.

Vell released his death grip on the doorway, pleasantly surprised at his ability to hold on for dear life. He’d had a lot of practice the past few months.

“You good, Freddy?”

Freddy’s only answer was some incoherent mumbling, followed by falling on the floor and rolling down towards the wall. As someone who got vertigo on a stepladder, Freddy had been all but incapacitated by the massive drop. Vell made sure that Freddy wasn’t in danger of being crushed by any loose rubble and went on his way, leaving the frazzled Freddy to regain his bearings on his own.

Vell took two steps and then slid the rest of the way down to the dorm’s front door. At the slightest touch, the door fell off it’s hinges, landing flat in the hallway beyond. Vell shrugged. At least it opened. In the far corner of the hallway, a janitor bot swept up a few scraps of rubble, which then rolled down the angled floor back to their original resting place, where they were swept up again by the janitor bot. Vell tried not to think about Sisyphus and went on his way.

Outside, Vell found the usual scene of people scrambling about to understand the chaos. Some tried to stay inside buildings, while others fled the leaning campus to seek safety on the relatively level ground of the dry seabed. Those who fled to the seabed had to contend with the inevitable aftermath of the ocean evaporating, though: an ankle-high carpet of fish, with the occasional lump in the form of a shark or dolphin.

The lightly angled nature of the quad presented challenges to most of the students that dared to try and cross it -and opportunities for some of those more experienced in this brand of chaos. Harley sat on the grass and allowed gravity to slide her across the quad, jamming a heel into the dirt when she wanted to stop next to Vell.

“What’s up?”

“Not us,” Vell said.

“Hah, nice. But seriously, you got any clue where the ocean went?”

“One of Freddy’s roommates built a dehydration ray and accidentally left it pointed at the window.”

“Ah, that’ll do it,” Harley said. “Seems like an easy fix, though.”

“Moderately.”

“Do you think the architects who built this place planned for a drop like that, or is it just a coincidence the island is sturdy enough to survive that fall?”

“Could go either way,” Vell said with a shrug. The campus island had a lot of odd design choices.

“Sounds about right. Want to climb up to the top of campus and see if we can slide all the way to the bottom?”

“Sure, why not.”

After a few races, Vell had claimed a decisive lead. The two hiked back to the top of the campus and prepared for another go of it.

“There you are,” Lee said. She stumbled up to them slowly, looking bruised. For someone who was clumsy on level ground, the slanted surface posed a severe challenge. She persevered regardless. “I’ve been looking all over for you, Vell.”

“Yeah, sorry, I think I bumped my phone while everything was tumbling,” Vell said.

“Quite alright,” Lee said. “The thing is, there’s a bit of a cult forming.”

“Oh no,” Vell sighed.

“Nothing to be concerned about yet, Vell,” Lee said. “Sort of. The thing is, with the fall, the students have sort of fixated on elevation, and, you know, height.”

Lee and Harley both looked up at Vell’s comparatively towering height. At 6’3”, Vell was one of the taller individuals on campus.

“What, as like a sacrifice?”

“I’m not sure,” Lee said.

“Either way, that Bolu dude is taller than you, right?”

“Well he unfortunately didn’t survive the fall, dear,” Lee added. “I believe Vell is now the tallest person on campus.”

“No, that doesn’t sound right,” Harley said. “Leanne’s taller than you, isn’t she?”

“She’s like an inch shorter,” Vell corrected.

“Huh. Guess she just has taller energy. No offense.”

“None taken,” Vell said. Leanne projected confidence and strength that Vell did not, and he was well aware of that. “So should I like, hide, or something?”

“Bit late,” Harley said. She pointed to a mob approaching them from the nearest building. They wore makeshift robes and wielded measuring sticks like ceremonial staffs.

“Boy do they work fast,” Vell noted.

“I keep telling you man, cults are crazy around here,” Harley said. She shut her mouth and stepped back as the cult members approached Vell.

“Vell Harlan!” The lead cultist shouted. “You are one of the few worthy to be measured of the Divine Elevation. Hold still please, this will just take a moment.”

A few of the robed “priests” held their ceremonial measuring sticks to Vell’s side. He stood up straight and still, nervously waiting for them to finish their work. The three measuring priests reviewed their findings and conferred with the high priest. After a short conference, the high priest turned to the cultist crowd and threw his arms wide.

“My people! A new Almighty Tallest as been identified!”

A ceremonial profession marched forth from the heart of the crowd, bearing a makeshift crown and scepter that was swiftly presented to Vell.

“Oh cool,” Harley said. “Looks like you’re in charge.”

Vell allowed the crown to be placed on his head, if only because he was too nervous to protest. He didn’t know how he felt about being a cult figurehead, but it was certainly better than being sacrificed.

“And summarily, the previous claimant to title of Almighty Tallest must be sacrificed,” the high priest said. The same ceremonial procession dragged forward a bound and gagged student who was only slightly shorter than Vell, pulling him towards the edge of the fallen island to be thrown over.

“Wait wait wait wait,” Vell said. “The Almighty Tallest says no sacrificing previous Almighty Tallest’s!”

The high priest snapped his fingers, and the sacrificial march stopped. The robed cultists immediately untied their previous leader and set him loose.

“No sacrifices period,” Lee whispered to Vell.

“Right, yes! There shall be no sacrifices. Ever! Your Tallest is a just and merciful ruler!”

“All hail the Almighty Tallest!” The cult shouted. It made Vell incredibly uncomfortable, but Harley was more encouraging.

“Dude, lean into it,” Harley said.

“I don’t know, this is weird,” Vell said.

“Yeah, but it’s going to get weirder if you’re not in charge,” Harley said. “You already stopped one sacrifice. You can keep these guys sane for the rest of the day.”

Vell tilted his head, causing the crown to slide a bit, and examined the crowd. They waited patiently for his next divine proclamation. He supposed it couldn’t hurt to have a leash on the more extreme cultist behaviors.

“Also it’ll be super fun and you’re putting me in charge of your harem,” Harley insisted.

“Will I have a harem?”

“If you want a harem,” Harley said. “You’re the ‘Almighty Tallest’. It’s up to you, baby.”

Vell stood up straight and cleared his throat to address the crowd.

“My, uh, subjects!” Vell said. “I look forward to ruling you with justice and wisdom. For my first order of business: We feast!”

A jubilant crowd raised Vell on their shoulders and carried him off to their base. Being carried by a crowd was a lot more uncomfortable than Vell had expected, but he definitely started to feel like Harley had a point. This might actually be fun.