Vell Harlan and the Doomsday Dorms

“You know one thing I like about not being a jackass?”

“I assume there are several benefits,” Freddy said.

“Well, yes, but I’m thinking of one specific thing right now,” Alex said. She gestured to the lab around her. “Ever since I stopped being such a self-absorbed little shit, I’m kind of realizing there’s a lot of crazy shit other people are doing.”

She walked over and pointed to an elaborate, circular device at a nearby workbench.

“Like, what is this?” Alex asked. “What intricate and imaginative device has this other complex and fully realized human being created? Being curious rules.”

While Alex admired the device, Freddy made a weird face at it. It took a moment for Alex to catch on.

“Oh god, what is this?” Alex said. “It’s something gross, isn’t it. A garbage disposal? Fish de-veiner? Please tell me it’s not a sex thing.”

“No, no,” Freddy said. “At least, I don’t think so. I don’t know what that is. I’m not sure it’s supposed to be here.”

Almost as if on cue, the strange device sprang to life. An exterior ring glowed with strange sigils while the interior was consumed in a roiling spiral of multicolored energy. Alex took a step back and put herself between the device and Freddy, just in case. Nothing emerged from the swirling depths -yet.

“Freddy, get Vell and the others,” Alex said. “I’ll stay here and keep an eye on it.”

“Are you sure-”

“Of course I’m sure, Freddy, now get out of here!”

After a moment of panicked indecision and wobbling back and forth, Freddy took her advice and got ready to leave. Before he did so, though, Freddy had to make sure Alex knew he cared. So he gave a her a pat on the shoulder, then fled.

“A pat on the shoulder?” Alex mumbled to herself. “God you’re lucky you’re cute, Frederick.”

The strange device flared with more energy, and Alex’s hands did the same, sparking with vibrant green light as she prepared to case a defensive spell. The swirling maelstrom spun one more time, and then spat out a single projectile. Alex threw up a shield just in time to intercept the blur of motion before it struck her in the face. The foreign object hit her shield with a loud thump, and sat on the barrier, flapping its wings.

“Hi,” said the large moth. “Is Vell here?”

Alex stared at a talking bug the size of her head.

“No, but he will be in a moment.”

“That’s cool, I can wait.”

He didn’t have to wait long. Vell, and the rest of the loopers, arrived in moments. By that time, the large moth had been joined by an equally large beetle, and a small mechanical device that floated behind the moth.

“Oh, hey, Hawkmoth, how you been?”

Vell extended his hand and shook one of the moth’s extended limbs.

“I’ve been good,” Hawkmoth said. “How about you, Hawke, how you holding up?”

“I’m surviving,” Hawke said. “Apparently I’m in charge next year. Not a fan.”

“Well, I’ve been in charge all year, and I’m doing alright,” Hawkmoth said. “You’re apparently an alternate version of me, so you’ll do fine too.”

“And speaking of counterparts,” Samson said. He gestured to the beetle chilling on the sidelines. “I assume this guy is me?”

“Heliocopris Samson, at your service,” the beetle said.

“Samson Onwe, also at your service,” Samson said. “I assume this is that multiverse thing you guys were telling me about?”

“There’s a multiverse?” Alex snapped. “Why have I never heard of this?”

“Because for most of the year we assumed you were going to get expelled so we didn’t really bother telling you shit,” Kim said.

“Oh. Fair.”

“Also the multiverse is a little bit lame,” Vell said. “There’s only six dimensions and most of them suck.”

“About that,” Hawkmoth said. “There’s seven.”

“What?” Vell said. “But we went through the whole multiverse like two years ago, there were definitely only six!”

“There were six then,” Hawkmoth said. “A new one formed.”

“That can happen?”

“It’s a long story, but yes,” Heliocopris said. “Technically it’s always been there, because time is weird, but metaphysically speaking it’s a recent addition.”

“Well that’s fucked up but I’m going to go ahead and take it at face value,” Vell said. “I assume the new universe popping up is why you’re here?”

“Precisely,” Hawkmoth said. “Heliocopris, boot up D.I.M. and show them why we’re here.”

The beetle dutifully plugged some commands into the Dimensional Intervention Machine, and it began to project a holographic display of six separate spheres.

“For those of you just joining the multiverse, here’s a quick recap: We have universe one, the Void, occupied entirely by one nebulous entity.”

“Who is also a weird pervert,” Vell said.

“Yes,” Hawkmoth agreed. “Universe two is the Gloobiverse, where everything and everyone is Gloobi.”

“What’s that mean?”

“Nothing good,” Vell said with a shudder.

“Universe three is our home. It’s a lot like yours, except bugs are the dominant species instead of humans,” Hawkmoth said. After some pointed glares from Vell, Hawkmoth lowered his voice and mumbled a continuation. “Because the bugs killed all the humans. But we didn’t have anything to do with it, okay? We’re cool.”

“I don’t even find you that disgusting to look at,” Heliocopris said.

“Moving on,” Hawkmoth said. “Universe four is even more like yours, except the humans there don’t have any magic or super science or any of the other cool stuff we’ve got. Universe five is your universe, where we are now, and universe six is a weird dimension where all known physical laws are expressed differently, and the universe itself is alien and hostile to any normal forms of perception.”

“I got stuck there for a while last year,” Vell said. “Not all that bad once you get used to it.”

“Vell, you were there for two hours,” Kim said.

“By our timeline,” Vell said. “Time works differently there, I was gone for like a week.”

“Why the fuck are you only mentioning that now?”

“I didn’t want you guys to feel bad for not getting me out sooner!”

“Please focus,” Hawkmoth said. “And now there’s universe seven. We’re not sure what’s going on there, honestly, we haven’t been able to tune D.I.M. into it yet.”

“Are you worried it’s going to be hostile?” Vell asked. “Or maybe unstable?”

“Quite the opposite, actually,” Hawkmoth said. “The new universe isn’t the threat, the new universe is being threatened.”

Heliocopris pressed another button on D.I.M., and the image of the six universes was overshadowed by a jagged streak of black passing through each one.

“A few decades ago, an entity known only as the Destroyer passed through the multiverse, indiscriminately slaughtering dozens of inhabitants from every universe,” Hawkmoth said. “Our predecessors of the era tried to fight it, but only became more of its victims. No one could do anything to stop it, but thankfully, once it had done a full circuit of the known universes, the Destroyer stopped, and vanished.”

The projection shifted to display a seventh sphere joining the six already pierced by the encroaching darkness.

“But now with a new universe, you think it might come back,” Vell said, coming to the obvious conclusion.

“We don’t think so, we know so,” Hawkmoth said. “We picked up preliminary signs of incursion early this morning.”

“Well what are we sitting around here for?” Kim said. She punched her open palm. “Let’s go beat up a Destroyer.”

“Hold on, Kim,” Hawkmoth said. “The Destroyer cut a path through the entire multiverse. We’re going to need everybody.”

“Right. I suppose I can get Lee and Harley out here pretty quick,” Vell said. “Maybe Leanne too.”

“Not exactly what we meant,” Heliocopris said. “This is a multiversal threat. We need a multiversal response.”

“Oh. That kind of everyone,” Vell said.

“Hell yeah,” Samson shouted. “Multiverse Avengers, let’s fucking go!”

“You were our first stop, but we’re getting everybody,” Hawkmoth said. “We can head to the Void next and go from there.”

“Let’s split up, we can get everyone fast,” Vell said. “Bugs don’t salivate, so you two can get the Void. Alex, Samson, you two are on Gloobiverse. Hawke, Kim, you take universe four.”

“Oh thank god, the boring one,” Hawke said.

“I already know my way around universe six, so I’ll handle that one,” Vell said. “We meet up back here and head to the new universe together. Sound good?”

Everyone agreed, and the plan was put into motion. They had to use a growth ray to make the bug-sized portal device big enough for everyone to go through, but soon they were set out and scattered across the multiverse.

“Oh, now I see why Vell hated this so much.”

Alex and Samson had arrived in the Gloobiverse, and they immediately hated it. While it had some superficial resemblance to their own dimension, everything and everyone in it was blurry and indistinct -and slightly sticky. Alex felt like she was walking across a field of tape as she crossed the blurry quad. The various native Gloobi’s stared at them with indistinct and identical eyes.

“Yeah, I hate it too,” Samson said. “Figures the new kids get sent to the worst dimension.”

“I don’t know, the universe inhabited by a single giant pervert sounds worse,” Alex said.

“I could handle a pervert,” Samson grunted. “At least I know what a pervert is. Who the fuck is this?”

“I’m Gloobi,” said the Gloobi.

“Right, and that guy?”

“I’m Gloobi.”

“Is anyone here not Gloobi?”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Gloobi,” the nearest Gloobi said. “Every Gloobi here is Gloobi.”

“How are we even supposed to find a Gloobi who can fight?” Alex said. “All these Gloobi’s are identical!”

“The purity of the Gloobi lies in the Gloobi.”

“I fucking get it, everything is Gloobi,” Alex said. “Any Gloobi here want to fight a multiversal Destroyer?”

“Violence is not the Gloobi of the Gloobi.”

“Well, maybe we’ll find out which one of you Gloobi’s are ready to Gloobi when I start kicking Gloobi,” Samson said. “And quite staring at me with your weirdly blurry eyeballs!”

Several of the Gloobi’s averted their gaze. Samson was more disappointed to find out they were apparently averse to conflict.

“We’re never going to find any fighters at this rate,” Alex said.

“Hold on,” Samson started. “This place is set up kind of like our island, right?”

It was difficult to tell, given the blurred, slightly sticky nature of the Gloobiverse, but as Alex looked around, the vague shapes of building outlines did seem to align with the Einstein-Odinson campus.

“Maybe.”

“Let’s go to where our secret lair is on our island,” Samson suggested. “Maybe we’ll find our Gloobi versions. They ought to be down to fight the Destroyer.”

“Alright, but let me cast some preparation spells before we go anywhere. I’m worried about getting lost,” Alex said. She tried to move, and had to pull her shoe up with a little extra force to get it off the adhesive ground. “Or stuck.”

Elsewhere in the multiverse, someone was stuck on something very different.

“Okay, universe four is supposed to be our universe, how do I do this,” a bewildered author mumbled to no one in particular. “Maybe I should just skip over this whole segment. Even having that dimension exist is already leaning a little too hard on the fourth wall.”

He kicked his feet up and looked out at the mountains. He was absolutely wasting his vacation right now. At least the view from the cafe patio was nice.

“Ugh, I can’t waste the opportunity for jokes, though,” the author said. “I’ll just keep it short, and, most importantly, don’t have the characters interact with anyone in a major way. It’ll raise too many questions.”

“Hey, are you using this chair?” Hawke asked.

“No, go ahead.”

“Alright, thanks man,” Hawke said. He hauled the chair over to a distant corner and sat down next to Kim. “Maybe we can ask that guy. He seems nice.”

“Maybe, but he’s out of shape,” Kim said. “I feel like we can do better.”

“I don’t know that we can,” Hawke said. “This reality kind of sucks ass.”

“Obviously, man, look at me,” Kim said. Thanks to the incredibly boring nature of universe four, she had been forced to disguise her robotic appearance. Thankfully Vell kept an illusion rune of her old human look on hand for just such an occasion.

“Now, to be fair, our universe doesn’t have that many robots like you either,” Hawke said.

“I know. God, my counterpart over here is probably a roomba or something,” Kim said.

“Maybe. Speaking of, if nothing else, we can look for whatever version of me lives in this dimension,” Hawke said. He’d made sure to have the portal spit them out in New Zealand for that very reason. “If they’re me, they have to be at least sort of willing to help.”

“Good idea,” Kim said. “Maybe we can get this universe’s Samson to help too.”

“Well, first of all, I don’t actually know where Samson lives,” Hawke said. They were aware he was from Minna, Nigeria, but didn’t know his actual address. “Secondly, there’s no teleportation in this universe, so that’d be a transcontinental flight.”

“God, this universe is ass,” Kim said. “Let’s get alternate you and get the hell out of here.”

The duo fled, leaving behind a bustling cafe and a very frustrated writer.

“No, this sucks, I should just delete the whole section,” he mumbled to no one.