Tricked Into A NewLife, God Must Be Screwing With Me!

George, 22 Years Old, sometime in the 2020s.

After only a couple of hours, I stumbled out of my bed and into the bathroom. Almost fell asleep again under the shower, brushed my teeth, gave my hair a quick comb-over, dressed, and dashed out the door. I headed down to the subway stop near my apartment complex and got on the line that would let me out near my university campus. It was only a fifteen-minute ride, but that gave me enough time to reflect over what had happened last night, or rather, what had happened this morning.

In retrospect, everything seemed very surreal. I had received a random message that led to a site with a complex survey that enabled me to play a game that was more complex looking than anything on the market, more complex than anything that likely would be on the market for at least another decade. Probably two or three decades. Just as I was convincing myself that it had actually been malware and the purpose was to wreck my PC, I got an inbound message notification on my phone. Checking my emails, I saw I had another email from Gods of Creation.

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Subject: Ticket Response #98051

Thank you for submitting your bug report. We at Gods of Creation would like to extend our apologies for the incident that transpired due to our system failing to activate properly. We are looking into the cause of the error on our end and should be prepared for a fresh installation in short order. In the meantime, as a token of our goodwill, we have dispatched an operative to rectify your unfortunate situation, they should be arriving in your area by 6:30 pm local time.

We look forward to seeing you in your New Life^tm

Sincerely, Gods of Creation Beta Services and Customer Relations Manager Representative EvilGod.

I stared at my phone screen. After reading the message through twice more to make sure I was not misreading things, I allowed myself to smile. “I really must be tired if I was back to thinking all this was a scam. Like I was thinking earlier, they put way too much effort into this for it to all be fake. That’s some amazing support as well, sending someone out to take care of the issue. Still, he goes by his screen name in official correspondence?” I arrived at my university in a considerably improved mood.

Sliding into my chemistry class with just a minute to spare I took my seat. The professor gave me a hard look as he passed the tests into the front row so they could be handed around. He was the really strict sort who would lock the classroom door on test days the moment class started. I took my test and picked up my pencil, waiting for the signal to begin.

★★★★★★

Two hours later I left the room and headed to the cafeteria to get an energy drink. Even in my tired state, I hadn’t found the test particularly challenging and finished it in just under an hour. Unfortunately, Professor Stickler would refuse to let students leave until the full allotted time had passed, insisting that we review our answers until the very last minute. I had considered sleeping but if he caught me, I would be given a zero for “disrespecting the classroom environment” or some other asinine reason.

Hoping into line I was flicking through Twitter on my phone when I heard someone calling out to me, “George! I saw the announcement! You actually did it didn’t you? You crazy son of a bitch!”

Franklin was probably my only friend here; we both grew up in the same small town and wound up moving cross country to attend the same university. That being said, he was also a liberal arts major whereas I was studying software engineering, so we were hardly equal. Still, he made an effort to talk to me, which was more than could be said for the rest of the people I was forced to interact with.

I flashed a smile, “Yea, I told you it was possible. I also told you I was going to get it done last night, but strangely I still had zero viewers the whole time…”

“Yea…” he trailed off. “Look, I had this thing going on with Jackson. I really did want to watch, but life got in the way ya know?”

“No big deal.” It’s not like you ever show up anyways, I didn’t really expect to see you in chat this time either. I gave a half-smile, “One Bang Energy please, I don’t care what flavor.”

Quickly paying for my drink, I stepped over to where Franklin was standing and popped the top off my energy drink.

“You alright man? You don’t really drink stuff like that.”

“Well, I was up really late last night dealing with some stuff.” I thought for a minute. Franklin really was the only one who ever talked to me, “Say, Franklin, can I trust you to keep a secret?”

“A secret? I mean yea, I’m your friend so…” He moved away to a table that was separated from the rest of the cafeteria by a pair of pillars. Following him over, I sat down and leaned towards him so I could whisper. Leaning towards me, he asked, “So, what’s this big secret?”

I smiled, “Someone dropped by my chat after I got the achievement last night. They invited me to join a closed beta for a new game called New Life. Look, Franklin, this game, it’s crazy. There’s so much detail to everything. When it launches it’s going to take over the industry. It’ll make Halo look like E.T..”

Franklin gave me a concerned stare, “Are you sure you should be telling me this? What if you get removed from the beta for breaking some sort of NDA?”

I smirked, it was nice of him to worry for me, but there was no way I would make a mistake like that. “No, they told me I could live-stream it. This is going to make my channel finally take off. Since you’re always looking out for me I wanted to show you before anyone else. Think you can swing by my house around nine tonight?”

I reasoned 9:00 pm should give the Gods of Creation guy enough time to get my PC fixed, “I made a character last night, that’s why I was up so late, I’m planning to run through the tutorial today and then restart on stream tomorrow.”

Franklin mumbled something under his breath that I didn’t quite catch before smiling at me. “Sure, I can come over tonight, I’ll grab a six-pack on the way.” I stood up from the table, thanking Franklin in advance for the beer, and headed to my next class, Computer Language 310.

The class agenda for today was just busywork. We had had our lecture earlier in the week, thus today was dedicated to “homework aid” for people who were struggling with the assignment. Not that I ever struggled. I would usually skip these days since I didn’t have any reason to do in class what I could do at home. Still, I actually did have a purpose today.

As I entered the classroom, the professor gave me a surprised look. After all the students had broken up into workgroups, she made a round around the class to answer any immediate questions before making a beeline for my desk. Incidentally, I was sitting alone. Since nobody in the class could keep up with me, they opted to just avoid me.

“George, I must have made the assignment too hard if you had to come in on lab day!” She looked over her shoulder at the other students with a worried expression.

I couldn’t help but smile at that, Claire was always worried about the rabble. “No, the assignment was easier than usual Professor C, I didn’t struggle at all.”

She frowned at me as she pushed up her glasses. The way she gets upset when I call her that is so cute… I opted to keep my thoughts to myself though, I needed Claire in a good mood so that she would feel inclined to give me her opinions. She put her hand on her hip and straightened her back. At her full height, she was just barely able to look down her glasses at me, “You know I hate that name. I’ve asked you repeatedly to call me properly. It’s Professor Dayson.” She put special emphasis on the last name.

“I’m sorry Mrs. Dayson…” I got another frown for that one, “I did actually have a question though, just, not about anything from class.”

Claire sighed and indicated I could ask, so I proceeded to describe the survey I had taken. I wanted to get an opinion from an average software developer regarding how much work it would take to make something like that. Claire gradually stopped frowning and began to get thoughtful.

“What your describing is impossible.” She flatly denied me. “Well, it would normally be impossible. If you were to use a neural algorithm and machine learning to mimic a human brain, teach that the concept of language and what kind of information to gather, it would technically be possible… but the amount of effort, not to mention that you would have to manually collect thousands of surveys worth of input data manually…” She trailed off.

So this indie company has some serious weight behind it then. I pulled out my phone and opened the first email I had received, the one with the link to the website. I wanted to show her the survey, but when I tapped the link, the page that loaded was all messed up. It didn’t look anywhere near as professional as the one from last night. They must not have made the site with mobile phones in mind. But if they can devote so many resources to the survey, why would they skip out on something so simple? I put away my phone, “Sorry Professor, I had to answer a message. I have one more question if you don’t mind?”

Claire smiled at me. “Well, since you actually managed to address me properly for once I suppose I could indulge you.” At Claire’s behest, I started describing the systems I had discovered in the New Life beta. After a few minutes, she waved at me to stop. “George, you know I don’t handle games at all, with no point of reference I couldn’t give an estimate on how much work would be involved with what you’re describing to me.”

“Oh well, I figured you would know something since you’re a teacher, but that’s ok. I’ll do some research online.” She frowned again and opened her mouth to respond but then another student called at her with a question about the assignment. “If you’ll excuse me.” Claire walked over to the other student, and I packed up my things and left the classroom.

With no more classes for today, I checked my phone clock. It was presently 4:15 pm. I had about two hours before I had to be home to welcome the repair guy that EvilGod’s people were sent over, so I decided to head over to a nearby internet café and grab a late lunch. Frankly, I was still running on fumes, but I had to stay up to deal with the repair guy, and then Franklin was coming over. I just want to sleep.

I spent fifteen minutes eating a sandwich, then paid for a couple of hours of computer use. They wouldn’t let you eat while using their computers. It’s like they don’t trust me, I certainly know how to eat around a computer without dirtying it. Still, it’s not like everybody does. If only people could be smarter, then I wouldn’t have to put up with so much bullshit.” After eating, I logged into my email using a burner password so that if there were any key trackers on the café computer I couldn’t get hacked.

Opening the same email from Gods of Creation, I navigated to the website. I wanted to do the survey again and give it some different answers to see what the neural net ai would give me. On a whim, I decided to save my new survey results, on the off chance the game only allowed you one character file, I wanted a backup account so I could experiment with builds freely while not erasing my playthrough. I used my personal email and set up the spare account, within a few moments I received the email with the new access key.

After saving the email for future reference, I checked the time, 6:10 pm. Oh shit. That took longer than I was planning, I need to get to the station, or I’ll miss my appointment. I jumped up and headed towards the station. In retrospect I probably should have spent less time on the survey, I fully intended to ignore whatever default profile it generated for me based on the answers I gave. Even knowing that I had still had fun coming up with a false personality for myself and trying to answer the questions from that perspective.

I dashed down the stairs just in time to see my subway pulling out of the station. I was going to miss my appointment now. Why did the company have to make a damn survey so entertaining? Now I have to wait 20 minutes for the next train. I posted up against a pillar and played with my phone to kill time. When the announcer called out the incoming subway, I moved up to the boarding line. At least I’ll get a seat since I was waiting and get to be the first to board. Just as I was thinking that I felt a hand on my back.

I was falling. Time seemed to slow; I heard the screeching noise of hydraulic brakes drowning out the shrill scream of a woman. “There was pressure on my back, did some asshole just push me?!” My mind raced, vainly trying to come up with a solution to the current predicament. I turned my head just in time to see a pair of glowing white lights. They drowned out my vision, seeming to swallow everything, and then it was dark.

★★★★★★

Androgynous Youth.

An androgynous youth stood watching the police from a distance. They were conducting witness interviews about the university student who had jumped out in front of an oncoming subway a mere hour before. Another university student was talking to the captain, this one was white-faced and looked to be trying to hold back tears. The youth turned away from the spectacle and walked down an alleyway, fading away as they did so. The only witness to their disappearing act was a stray cat that yowled before jumping up a wall in fear.

Reappearing in a white space with no visible boundaries, the androgynous youth walked up to an incredibly buff man and busty woman who were focusing intently on the globe between them.

“Now, you both know the rules, you can’t interact with them directly, you can only move by way of your own pawns.” Both the man and woman watched the youth impassively, they had heard this before.

Sighing at their lack of motivation, the youth pointed his phone at a region of land in the central continent of the globe. They swiped their finger up the phone screen, causing a beam of light to fire into the globe. The woman turned to the man. “I do think we should have a bout in the north to distract the pawns from that region. I shudder to think that political strife should break the new toy.” The man grunted in response before tapping another region of the globe, causing it to turn dark.

The androgynous youth clapped his hands, “Is this an official match? Or are you two just killing time?”

The man and woman looked at each other guiltily. The youth frowned, “Invoke [Divine Authority], Root Access to Divine Realm. Input Command Action [Rewind] Target: Time-log. Duration: Twenty-Six Seconds. Scale=Global. Execute Command.” Their monotone voice carried over the white space, and all who heard it felt their core shudder. The space seemed to warp and fold in on itself.

The woman turned to the man. “I do think we should have a bout in the north to distract the pawns from that region. I shudder to think that political strife should break the new toy.” The man grunted in response before reaching towards the globe. The youth darted out and caught his hand. “Don’t you think a bit of political strife might make them grow stronger?” The man looked at the youth, and after a moment dropped his hand. The youth hopped back into their usual spot before going back on their phone. They had about nine months of time to kill.

★★★★★★

George Twelfth Month of 0935

It was dark. I don’t know how long it took me to realize it, but eventually, I became aware. Aware that I was aware. I could, for lack of a better word, see how dark it was. I thought I got hit by the subway? So what gives. Is this some kind of afterlife? I tried moving my hands, but they seemed firmly stuck in place. My legs were likewise immobile. So I can’t move, assuming I’m not dead, then I must have been hurt pretty badly. That would make this some kind of full-body cast, in which case, of course, I can’t move. With nothing better to do, I decided to sleep.

I spent the next while drifting in and out of sleep. Whatever anesthetic they have me on must not be very effective. Still, it must be doing something, since I could fall asleep easily enough, I was under the impression that casts were supposed to itch like hell. I do not know how long I have been in this state, but I have not felt even a single itch. Hurray for small victories. With nothing better to do, I spent my time thinking.

It’s definitely been more than a day. I wonder if Franklin actually showed up like he said he would? Heh, that jerk probably flaked on me again. I wonder if the university has pulled me from my classes yet? If memory serves then I shouldn’t have to worry about retaking any of them. I had above 90% in all the important ones and the semester was past the midterms so I should get credit as per policy.

Sleep. Wake. Think. I repeated this sequence of events so many times I lost track. They must have realized the anesthetic isn’t working! Don’t they hook you up to heart rate monitors or something?! Don’t tell me. They’re doing this shit on purpose!? The person that pushed me didn’t feel very strong, probably a woman. I’m sorry professor Claire! I won’t ever tease your name again. Wait, I just did shit! Of course, nobody answered me, I may as well be shouting into the void. Of course, I knew that Claire hadn’t pushed me. She had another class at 6:00 pm. Still, shouting was cathartic if nothing else.

Eventually, I grew bored of thinking and tried to sleep as much as possible. I still pushed at my arms and legs occasionally, but they never moved so I gradually gave up on that as well. Then, one day, after who knows how long, I felt a jolt. The pressure holding me in place that had been so comfortable suddenly increased. I felt like I was being crushed, it felt like my bones were breaking. I see. I never went to the hospital. That subway hit me and knocked me into a state of shock. Everything I just experienced must have just been one long fever dream. Now that I’m waking up, this is going to hurt like hell. I hope I’m not under the subway, that would mean nobody can get to me and I’ll die for sure!” I saw a light approaching my head and pushed my legs out away from myself, trying to move closer to the light. I figured that would wake me up faster, some sort of psychological thing. “Don’t go into the light!”? Never heard that saying so it doesn’t apply here!

I rushed out into the light and was… caught? Holy shit, that guy is strong! I weigh about 85 kilograms. Wait, don’t tell me the subway cut off my legs?! The man held me up and peered at my face.  He isn’t dressed like a rescue worker… did some good Samaritan jump down onto the tracks to get me? You shouldn’t move an injured person! What if I have a spine or neck injury?!

“### # ####### #### ####, ###############!” The man said something to me. A foreigner? He looks like some kind of European though… He frowned while looking down at me and gave me a gentle shake.

“##### ##### ######?” A woman’s voice called out from behind me somewhere. Another foreigner? Must be his wife. Wait, behind me? As in on the tracks? The man started slapping me, now he looked really worried. Wait, don’t slap an injured person! And why on my ass? I don’t swing that way! Wait, my ass? Why is my ass so close to my head?!

Indeed, I could sort of tell from the angle of the man’s swing out of the corner of my vision, he wasn’t moving nearly far enough to reach my ass. It was about then that I realized something important. I really needed to breathe. It was like I forgot how or something, I couldn’t seem to get my lungs to work properly. Just as my vision was fading out, I somehow managed it. Filling my lungs with sweet, sweet air, I became aware of yet another problem. My rear end was on fire. Seriously, it felt like someone had taken a hot iron to my back end. The pain was overwhelming I felt tears forming in my eyes. Then my body reacted without my consent and started wailing. A very high-pitched, baby-like wail. What. The. Fuck.

★★★★★★

Several months have passed. In that time, I came to understand a few things. Firstly, I appear to have died. That’s the only explanation I could come up with after analyzing all the evidence. After I had calmed down from my initial bout of crying, I had immediately fallen asleep. When I woke up, I was being held by a woman who had presented me with her breast. That really confused me, until I realized how hungry I was. After that realization, my body had sort of gone on autopilot and latched onto her nipple. Despite my embarrassing inner turmoil, I had not been able to bring myself to let go. It was when she laid me back down in the crib that the realization that I was now a baby had set in. I suppose that made her mother two point oh.

For some reason, after my reincarnation, I had kept all of my memories. Due to my adult mind, I had the knowledge of how to move about, so I set myself to the task of figuring out how to make this body do that. It was not very easy. Being an infant, I did not have a whole lot of stamina and thus tired quickly. I was probably sleeping twenty hours a day. My hard work paid off though, and after a few months of struggling, I could manipulate myself in a slightly coordinated manner. That’s when I came to my second realization. This was not Earth. Well, I suppose it could have been Earth if we assumed my new parents were mad scientists; I had spotted the family dog. I called it a dog, but it really was not. Instead of a snout, it had a beak, and instead of fur, it was covered in feathers.

My new mother really did seem to fret over me. She was never absent whenever I was awake, and those early months always saw her stroking my head as I drifted off into my exhausted sleep. This brings us back to the present. I had recently become able to crawl. Initially, I was ecstatic. I had unlocked a new mode of transportation that would greatly expand my area of operation! My mother appeared terrified, however. Her previous endearing fretfulness escalated into a full-blown case of the helicopter parent. Whenever I tried moving somewhere, she would swoop over and pick me up. Of course, I would try and escape as soon as she moved away but she always caught me.

Eventually, we arrive at a mutual understanding. When I wanted to go somewhere, I would scream. This action caused my mother to swoop in and pick me up. I would then point where I wanted to go, and she would bring me there. She never left me alone when I was out of the crib though, which made it very hard to do my strength and coordination training.

Still, she had her uses. She spent a great deal of time talking to me. I used that interaction to frantically try and learn whatever language was being spoken. Working my tiny baby brain CPU at full power I would practice sounds. Thanks to my operating system being a much higher version than a baby would normally have access to, it wasn’t very long before I managed to reproduce the simpler facets of language. The first time I called her “Mamma”, the woman fainted. I hope whatever neurotic mania this woman has isn’t genetic.

My father seemed to have a very busy life, as I didn’t see him very often, still, he managed to visit once a month or so. He would always gently pat my head and not so gently poke various parts of my body. I wasn’t sure how I felt about him. Still, he would smile at my neurotic mother and assure her I was fine. I think she should be less worried about me and more worried about herself. Seriously, this woman needs a doctor asap.

It took me a few more months but I was eventually able to walk around on wobbly little legs. Of course, my mother turned white and fainted again. My father visited that same night. I was getting decent at the language now, though my mouth didn’t behave exactly as I wanted. The software may be good, but I needed to upgrade the hardware a bit. I addressed my father. “Pahpa Mama needs ah dohctah!”. My mother turned pale as a ghost again. Incidentally, it was that night that I learned that “papa” was in fact, the local doctor, and papa was the man I had assumed was some sort of butler. It all makes sense now. I suppose I am developing a bit fast… I guess my mother isn’t actually neurotic. She’s just worried for me.

Regarding my father the not-butler, He definitely seemed like a much nicer father than the doctor had been. He never poked me just to see how I reacted, and he absolutely doted on my not-neurotic mother. In fact, he was taking incredibly good care of her. It was his constant doting that had led me to mistake him for a butler. Of course, that in and of itself would not have been enough to make me think of him as a butler. He also dressed the part. I don’t think I ever saw him in anything less than a suit. As for my mother, she was always wearing a very pretty dress. I had assumed that we were an affluent family of some small country. It was not until a week later that the full reality of the situation set in.

My parents, in particular my mother, had finally seemed to come to terms with how quickly I was developing and had begun to try and actively teach me things. This had caused my language skills to progress much faster. I still wasn’t allowed out of my mother’s sight, but it was definitely an improvement over how I had been handled in the past months. One day, out of the blue, my mother informed me that “Sweety, since you are growing so fast and can walk by yourself, do you want to learn to use the toilet?” Honestly, I hated the diapers they made me wear, as such this was an offer I jumped at immediately.

“Uh-Huh! I want to go learn!” I cringed internally at my own speech patterns, but after the manic-mother incidents, I had arrived at the conclusion that I should probably pretend to be less capable. It would be better for my health if my mother did not die of fright or worry.

“Alright honey, next time you have to relieve yourself, tell mommy and I’ll help you in the toilet, ok?”

Huh? Mom’s going to teach me? Shouldn’t it be my dad’s job? I guess dad must have work or something, I haven’t seen him all day after all. Besides, I’m still really young, at least outside so I guess it’s ok. Thusly convinced of myself, I nodded, “Ok Mama!”. A few hours later I grabbed my mother’s sleeve.

“Momma, I have to go now!” I announced with the biggest smile I could muster.

“Well aren’t you eager!” my mother smiled before taking my hand and leading me to the bathroom. She helped me remove the diaper. I turned to face the toilet and made to relieve myself. At the time I was not considering how weird it would be for a toddler to know how to pee standing up. That thought didn’t matter though, since I suddenly had a much bigger concern, namely, my hand that had just passed through empty space. I looked down and saw it, or rather, I did not see it. I stood there stunned.

“Honey, what’s the matter, do you need help getting on the seat?” I turned to face my mother, who was looking at me with a face that radiated concern.

I must have looked very worried because her expression instantly changed. “What’s wrong?” she prompted again. I stammered out my main concern. “M-m-momma, wh-w-where’s th-tha-that h-hanging th-thin-thing?” Of course, my parents hadn’t taught me the word for penis in this language, I had to improvise. My mother stared at me in disbelief.

“Where’s your penis? What do you mean? Stahlia, girls do not have penises.” My mother’s expression was confused, but mine had turned ashen. I burst out in tears at her words. My mother acted fast, bless her heart. She quickly scooped me up and sat me on the toilet before my crying caused me to have an embarrassing memory. All the while she was stroking my head and trying to placate me.

That day I learned three things and made a new conjecture. I learned how to say “penis” in my new native language, I learned my name was Stahlia, and I learned I was a girl now. Lastly, I conjectured that there was a distinct reason EvilGod used his screen name in official correspondence, and there was some real meaning to the name New Life.

★★★★★★

Rosalie

My name is Rosalie Fynswife, and my husband is the second son of the Despita family. His older brother inherited the house, as is proper. But… I cannot help believing that such was a mistake. Not even a year after the transition of power, that idiot of a duke was caught red-handed in criminal dealings, embezzling tax money destined for the crown.

Thankfully, our own house was spared summary execution, as my husband was a close friend of the third prince. That being said, we did not escape punishment entirely. The house Despita was stripped of its titles, and my husband and I were banished to our summer home far from the capital. The third prince, blessed is he, quietly arranged for my husband to descend gracefully into the post of the mayor over a small village located in the third prince’s own holdings.

It was in this village that my husband and I were finally able to conceive. We had begun to fear that one of us may be infertile, but after I missed the goddess Nymphos’ ministrations for the second month in a row and began to feel the embrace of Vitae in the mornings, we knew I was finally with child.

The feelings of celebration soon turned to worry, however, as my pregnancy was highly abnormal. The baby had started kicking after only three months, and was in fact, quite vigorous. When I informed my husband of this he was thrilled, believing that I would be giving him an energetic son to inherit his house such as it was.

Still, at my insistence, he called the village doctor. The doctor’s reassurances about the early activity did reassure me at first. However, the kicking began to slowly abate, until by the seventh month the baby hardly moved at all. This did cause my husband worry and I feared I may miscarry, however, I did not and managed to bring the child to term.

When I went into labor we summoned the doctor, who helped me through the process. The doctor informed us, “It’s a beautiful baby girl, madam”. I was saddened that it was not the boy my husband had hoped for but grateful it had been born safely. Then I saw the doctor’s face, and how he held my daughter. “What’s wrong doctor?” I asked him.

The doctor did not respond to my question and instead shook my child lightly. It was then that I realized. The baby was unmoving and completely silent. I was struck with great fear. was our first child stillborn? Please Vitae above, let it not be so! As if to answer my prayers, the baby coughed up a lungful of amniotic fluid and began to wail. I once again believed that all was well.

The very next day, my husband was sitting beside me while I held our daughter. We had decided to name her Stahlia. I gazed at my daughter with all the love I could but still, I felt I must address the orc in the room, “My husband, I fear I must apologize for being unable to grant you an heir.” My husband froze for a moment before laughing.

“Rosalie do not worry about that. You just have to give me one son, it wouldn’t matter if all our other children are daughters, as long as there is one boy then our family can continue in the end.” I was ever so grateful that I was married to such a caring man. It was around then that Stahlia opened her eyes. She was still quite docile, but the doctor had told me what to do when she woke up. I bid my husband leave the room, men had no place when a woman was feeding her child.

After my husband left me alone with my daughter, I freed my breast and held Stahlia up to it. My daughter did not latch on as I had expected, instead, she merely stared at my chest with her little mouth hanging open. All my fears from when I carried her and her birth came back at once, but just as I was beginning to grow truly sick with worry, she grasped my nipple and started to suckle. She was healthy after all.

I laid her down in her crib after she finished feeding and went to tidy the house. We had but a single maid now, so I had a great deal to tend to. Although Jacqueline tried to insist I should rest I bid her stay her tongue; she would struggle to deal with the entire home by herself. It was later that night that my worry returned in full force. As I was putting Stahlia to sleep after her evening feeding, she began to thrash her arms and legs around. She was not crying but, try as I might, I could not calm her. I watched fearfully for nearly half an hour before Stahlia stilled. Her face was red and she was short of breath, but she was, at last, calmed. Promptly my precious daughter fell asleep, as though she had done nothing to worry me.

As the days turned to weeks and then months, this became a routine. Stahlia would finish feeding and immediately begin to thrash herself about until she passed out from exhaustion, whereupon she would wake up to feed and thrash once more. She never cried, and though we called the doctor many times, he could find nothing wrong with my daughter. He had an alchemist brew numerous potions for me, worried that something may be wrong with my milk, but nothing seemed to work. Stahlia would eat, thrash, and sleep. The only time I ever heard her cry was right after her birth.

That was only the beginning of my worries. Stahlia eventually gave up on thrashing and began to roll about. She additionally seemed oddly aware of her surroundings; the first time she saw Stil, our domesticated Stawri she froze with her mouth hanging open and simply stared at it. At first, I thought perhaps she was struck with fear at the sight of him, but she promptly lost interest and began thrashing and rolling again. At my wit’s end, I could only ask for the doctor to continue to monitor her development.

The next month I received yet another shock. I turned away to fetch a cloth and when I turned back, Stahlia was missing. I frantically searched about the room but could not locate her. I called for Jacqueline and had her help me search the house. We found Stahlia trying to get up the stairs. My six-month-old daughter had figured out how to crawl. The doctor was sent for, but even he was at a loss. All he could tell us was that Stahlia seemed to be perfectly healthy if a bit advanced. At a loss for what to do, I decided that I could only stay near Stahlia and keep her out of trouble. This greatly increased the difficulty of my daily work, but I was worried if I left her for even a moment Stahlia would somehow sprout wings and fly away.

Stahlia did not seem happy to have me near at hand. She would watch me until I seemed about to leave before attempting to dart off to the gods only know where. After nearly a week of this game of cat and mouse, something incredible happened! I had just picked Stahlia up and replaced her back on the rug in the center of the room. It was then that she looked up at me, opened her mouth, and cried! My precious daughter was still capable of crying! I was beside myself with joy. I swiftly went and picked her up and started to gently rock.

Stahlia quieted down after a few minutes, then promptly dashed my joy by being a strange child again. She reached her hands towards the window. I was preparing to put her down again and she let out a scream. I picked her back up and she again reached out towards the window. She was staring at the window intently. Feeling bewildered I decided to go look out the window and see what she had glimpsed. As I got to the window, Stahlia let out a happy giggle and began peering around outside at the garden! This too soon became routine, whenever Stahlia saw something that caught her attention she would no longer try and crawl to it. Instead, she would scream until I picked her up, and then gesture where she wanted to go.

We called the doctor again, but as usual, he could not make any sense of her behavior, deciding that she must just be a “clever child”. My husband attended to me as best he was able, he was concerned I was driving myself to exhaustion and an early grave with all my fretting over our daughter. In his eyes, she was simply an energetic healthy baby. He could not seem to understand how abnormal it was for a baby to be able to crawl this soon after its birth. In order to keep my nerves, I started speaking to Stahlia. Since she could not speak yet, she made me a very good listener for my worries. Granted, she was the cause of them, but she could hardly be asked to understand that. I was just happy she was alive at all the problems she seemed to have.

After another month of this routine, I was bringing Stahlia to a corner of the house she apparently wanted to explore. After I set her down and stepped back far enough to let her move around a bit, but not so far as to give her the chance to escape she turned to face me. “Hank yoo mahma!” she chirped out happily. I screamed. Jacqueline came running and rounded the corner just in time to watch me fall over backward, fainted.

My seven-month-old child had said her first word. Not just a word. She had formed a coherent sentence. Of course, her pronunciation was not quite proper, but I could not deny the intent behind her vocalizations. Once I had properly calmed down, I sent for and informed my husband of this development.

His response, was a bit lack, “Isn’t that wonderful? All your talking to her has finally born fruit!” My husband was calm and cheery about the situation. Apparently, I had married a fool after all. He might even be more of a fool than his traitorous older brother.

I sighed and had him send for the doctor again. The doctor brought a mage with him this time. Apparently, the mage was capable of appraisal magic. After leading them into Stahlia’s room where she was fast asleep, having recently thrashed herself into an exhausted stupor again, the mage held his hand out over her and performed his chant.

“### ### ####### ## #### ### ## ######## ## ### ####. [###### ####### #########]”

Floating words made of light appeared above the mage’s hand. I myself could not cast magic, but its appearance always made my heart flutter. The mage mumbled the words out to himself as if deep in thought before translating them for us, “…minus one, zero, plus one, plus two, zero, zero… Based on this, your daughter seems to have a Strength of E, Dexterity of C, and intelligence of B. Her Endurance, Charisma, and Mana are normal. Most likely she was born with a class of some sort. Unfortunately, I can only cast the lowest level of appraisal magic so I can’t get any more specific information.” My husband and I thanked him, knowing she had a plus two bonus to her intelligence would help explain her early use of language, and the dexterity bonus would explain how she was always trying to move about. It was a load off my mind indeed.

With some of the strangeness of my precious Stahlia explained, I was able to relax. Our days continued in a routine. Stahlia and I often held small conversations as she learned more and more words. I could not wait for her third birthday and dedication where we would learn what class and skills she had been born with to result in her abnormal ability values. In this manner, another month passed. In her eighth month, Stahlia promptly stood up on two legs and waddled around in a small circle before falling back onto her rear. It was as if she was announcing “I’m eight months old! I shall be restrained no more!”. Even knowing how special she was, I still could not handle the sight and promptly fainted.

That night, at my insistence, we summoned the doctor to have him give Stahlia another checkup. Smiling as he prodded at her legs to see how the muscle reacted, he turned to me and let me know that, as usual, there were no visible problems. but if her strength is only E, how could she be walking already…? Stahlia chose that moment to announce a bombshell. She grabbed the doctor’s sleeve to get his attention and when he smiled at her she immediately and confidently informed us, “Pahpa Mama needs ah dohctah!”.

I turned white from shock. Of course, I had not been unfaithful, but it seemed my lovely daughter had come to the conclusion that the doctor was her father. I suppose that he did visit us often, at my insistence. But why did she think I needed a doctor?! Fearfully I looked at my husband. He was watching our daughter with a twitching smile and depressed eyes. For his part, the doctor was doing his absolute best not to burst out laughing. After he left, needless to say, we had a long talk with Stahlia about her parentage. I thought my daughter had a bonus to her intelligence?!

Following that incident, my husband and I decided we should try and treat Stahlia as if she was a bit older, clearly, she would form her own conclusions unless we taught her the correct things promptly. This led us to the most shocking misunderstanding yet. On her tenth month birthday, and following a talk with my husband, we decided that we would accelerate her domestics teaching.

I approached her, still a little unsure if we were doing the right thing pushing her to learn as much as we were, “Sweety since you are growing so fast and can walk by yourself, do you want to learn to use the toilet?”

Stahlia looked up at me and positively beamed. “Uh-Huh! I want to go learn!”

I smiled at her, inwardly relieved that she was receptive to the idea and didn’t seem upset with me for being so pushy. “Alright honey, next time you have to relieve yourself, tell mommy and I’ll help you in the toilet ok?” Stahlia blinked at me, a look of confusion briefly flashed across her face before vanishing so quickly I had to wonder if I had been mistaken. “Ok Mama!” “She is so cute!” I smiled at my daughter.

A few hours later, Stahlia grabbed my sleeve while I was dusting the table. “Momma, I have to go now!” I looked down at her, she still stood not even as high as my knee but was wearing a massive grin. “Well, aren’t you eager!” I took her hand and escorted her to the washroom where I helped her get out of her baby dress. Our toilet was really just a hole in the floor that dropped directly into an underground tunnel through which would flow rainwater, still, it had a seat that came up to just above Stahlia’s head. I was about to hook my hands under her arms to lift her onto the seat when she suddenly turned around and waved her hand in front of her pubic region, whereupon she completely froze.

“Honey, what’s the matter, do you need help getting on the seat?” I was not as worried at this point as I was growing used to her random bouts of strange behavior. Still, when she turned to face me she was quivering and I could see tears starting to form in her eyes. “What’s wrong?” I asked worriedly. Maybe she really wasn’t ready! Oh gods above, I hope I have not somehow traumatized my daughter! Stahlia betrayed all my expectations.

“M-m-momma, wh-w-where’s th-tha-that h-hanging th-thin-thing?”. Now I was the one who froze completely, erstwhile Stahlia’s eyes had started to drip slowly.

I blinked in shock, “Where’s your penis? What do you mean? Stahlia, girls do not have penises.”

Stahlia’s slow tears transformed in an instant into an outright deluge and for the first time in months she cried as a normal infant would. In a fluster, I picked her up and set her on the nearest available seat, the toilet, so that I could try and dry her tears. It seems I inadvertently made the correct decision, as her fit soon caused her to lose control of her bladder. As I pat Stahlia and stroked her hair to calm her I resolved myself. I need to have a long conversation with her father, there is no good reason for Stahlia to even know what a penis is, let alone expect to have one!