Toxin

Yes, that was probably the first reward I ever gave him.

When our eyes met, I quickly looked away. But still, his persistent gaze settled on my cheeks and lashes. The whole time we walked, whenever our gazes accidentally intertwined, they would divert, engaging in a strange, silent struggle.

“If it’s a reward, isn’t it proper to give the recipient something they actually want?” he asked, biting his lips as if still savoring the lingering sensation.

“I would prefer if both the giver and the receiver could be happy about it.”

“In that case, I suppose I’ll have to think of something that would satisfy both the giver and the receiver from now on.”

His voice was as light as if it were walking on water. Seeing him display his emotions so openly—so clearly that even a blind person could notice—left me unsure of where to focus my gaze. He brought the long, slender pipe to his lips and took a puff, his fingers curling sensuously around the wooden pipe stem. The cheap old pipe that had once touched his hands had now been replaced by a new one.

As the night market began, vendors slowly lit their lamps, and the shouts of merchants and the bustling footsteps became calmer, painting a scene with a different charm from the daytime. A breeze, finely ground like autumn, gently swirled around us, caressing our hair and easing the heat from our skin. Suddenly, a voice carried by the wind spoke.

“As much as I enjoy rolling around with you all night, walking like this isn’t so bad either.”

My heart, which was faintly trembling, blended into the cool night air. Walking along the lamp-lit street, we finally saw the exit of the marketplace in the distance. But I couldn’t help but gaze wearily at the distant silhouette of Naragaon Fortress, knowing we had a long way to walk before we reached it. Just then, the brush that had been tucked away in my belongings slipped from Black Martial Emperor’s hand and fell to the ground. I bent down to pick it up, but something felt off—something was missing. I straightened up, trying to identify the source of this vague emptiness, and it hit me like a bolt of lightning. Frantically, I reached for my waist. The pouch that I had worn not too long ago was completely gone.

I frantically scanned the path we had walked, but there was nothing. My heart plummeted, beating faster with fear. Black Martial Emperor approached me.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, but his voice barely registered.

“I…”

I clutched my hair, panicking. I had no idea when or where I had lost it, or how to begin searching. It must have fallen during a collision with someone or been stolen by a pickpocket. That pouch had always been like a talisman to me, something I kept with me at all times. I had worried about losing it in the marketplace, but I didn’t want to part with it. I should’ve been more careful. I immediately turned back and retraced my steps, searching desperately, but I saw nothing that resembled a pouch. My legs gave out beneath me. Black Martial Emperor quickly followed, grabbing my arm. His eyes narrowed in suspicion.

“What is it?”

“Just… go on ahead. I… I’ll be right back!”

I brushed his hand aside and bolted without thinking. My body grew cold, and my vision darkened, but I couldn’t lose focus. I scanned every corner, every person, but soon enough, he grabbed my shoulder from behind and spun me around. This time, even he seemed to have lost his usual composure.

“What’s going on?”

“I think… I lost something. In the market, I lost…”

“What?”

“My last… It’s all I had left…”

I murmured in a dazed voice, feeling hollow and empty. He gripped my jaw firmly, forcing me to meet his gaze.

“Tell me what you lost.”

“My mother’s…”

I shut my eyes tightly and then opened them, looking at him with a desperate gaze.

“The pouch… containing my mother’s white jade horns… is gone.”

His lips froze at my words.

***

“Excuse me, have you seen a small pouch? It’s made of white cloth, tied with a string.”

“I don’t know. Do you think I have time to look at the ground in this busy place?”

I grabbed and asked every passerby, but they all shook their heads. I thought I saw something that looked like it on the ground and hurried over, but it turned out to be just a crumpled piece of paper. Black Martial Emperor gave orders to the soldiers, and together we searched the marketplace. He announced a reward to every merchant and vendor, offering a large sum of money to anyone who found the pouch. Tempted by the reward, the vendors closed their stalls and eagerly searched for it. I didn’t stop either, scouring every inch of the marketplace, under the stalls, in every shop corner, but there was no sign of it. A shopkeeper who had joined the search glanced at me while crawling on the ground and clicked his tongue. It was the man who had sold me the pipe earlier.

“We’ve searched everywhere, but it hasn’t turned up. It’s probably the work of a pickpocket. They must have been sneaky and swiped it while distracting you. That’s just how things go around here. Did anyone act suspicious?”

I tried to recall, but no one had stood out—after all, Black Martial Emperor wouldn’t have let anyone suspicious get close. The man stole a glance at Black Martial Emperor from a distance, narrowing his eyes.

“By the way, who is that guy? Why are the guards acting like they’ve seen a ghost? And are you really going to give 50 gold coins just for finding that pouch? I mean, just look at him. He looks like he belongs in a tavern rather than out here. And offering 50 gold coins for a pouch? I find that hard to believe.”

I gazed at Black Martial Emperor standing far away and spoke calmly.

“You can believe it. He always returns what he’s been given several times over.”

“R-Really?”

The man lay flat on the ground, rummaging through the market floor. Where could it have fallen? Was it really a pickpocket? He even searched through garbage piles, fearing the thief might have discarded it somewhere. Drenched in sweat, he continued searching, when suddenly a constable ran toward the Black Martial Emperor, who stood behind them. The constable, head deeply bowed, began speaking to the Emperor. From afar, I strained to listen.

“It… it was a group of local pickpockets. They often use children to distract and snatch items…”

As the constable spoke, a memory flashed before me. Earlier, on my way back from buying the pipe, a child had tried to sell me something. Could it have been then…? The constable, visibly trembling, continued speaking with his forehead touching the ground.

“I-it’s a valuable item… we stormed the scene where they were likely trying to smuggle it… captured the thieves, and under interrogation, they confessed…”

The constable raised a white object in both hands. The moment I recognized it, I bolted forward like lightning. The Black Martial Emperor, still impassive, looked down at the object that had passed into his hands. It was… two of my mother’s

, sliced apart with chilling precision—evidence of that horrific day.

As I drew closer, the chaotic fragments of my thoughts started to piece together. My shadow, crushed under his feet, stretched out on the ground like a corpse. I wasn’t sure when I had stopped walking, but I simply stood there, watching the Black Martial Emperor as he silently observed the white horns. His dark eyes, fixed on the ivory, slowly rose to meet mine. In the shadow of the moonlight, his gaze alone shone brightly, much like that day, like the gaze of a grim reaper. A thought crossed my mind at that moment:

Why am I here? Why am I with him? Why is he holding my mother’s white horns…?

The yellow moon seemed to mock the curse festering in my heart. The damp wind left a whisper of ridicule in my ear before vanishing. The lanterns swayed as if chuckling at me. The world around me transformed into a gloomy, cold haze, as if it were mocking my delusions. The world I woke up to was cruel and frigid, devoid of any warmth in my voice or gaze.

“Give it back.”

Don’t touch it. Don’t touch it with those hands…

He remained standing there, cold-faced. I walked up to him, snatched the white horns from his hands, and without a word, turned and walked away. But he grabbed my hand. I yanked it away and ran without looking back. I needed to get away from here. For my sake, for his sake. As I ran into the shadows, something behind him took shape. As the blurry figure became clearer, my chest tightened.

“Haah… haah…”

I panted like an animal, unable to catch my breath. The severed white horns was crusted with dried blood, and from the gouged-out eyes, my mother’s spirit—her tormented, accusing spirit—stared at me. Of course… it’s not possible, is it? It was never meant to be. As the world faded to white, a piercing pain seized me as if my skull had been crushed.

“Agh…!!”

Through blurred vision, I saw his face, utterly hardened. His muscular arms gripped my waist, and the feel of his touch made me shudder. I screamed, clawed, and lashed out in rage, but he stood there, emotionless, taking every blow without a word. With each strike, the sawblade lodged in my heart twisted, shredding through bone and flesh. My mother’s spirit, standing rigid behind him, smiled, her lips parting slightly, as if to say, “This is not enough. Spill more blood, unleash more hatred.”

Let go…!! Don’t touch me…!! Let go…!! I slapped his face, pounded on his iron-hard muscles, and flailed wildly. My tears shattered in the air. As I thrashed in a frenzy, my mother finally smiled in satisfaction. Her hollow eye sockets curved into a wicked grin. He grew distant and distorted. It felt like my brain was spilling out of my skull. I broke free from his grasp and stumbled forward, still blind to my surroundings. Relying only on the sounds, I floundered as if swimming through an endless sea. The rising sun was not a symbol of hope. The full moon was not a source of peace. Not all love was blessed. Not all choices were right.

***

I kept running without looking back until my strength gave out and I collapsed, then forced my exhausted legs to walk again. There was nowhere to go, no place I wanted to be. After wandering through the empty streets for some time, I found myself at Naro’s place. Drained of energy, I slumped in a corner of his room. My mind was swept away by a tidal wave of emotions, leaving behind a bone-chilling emptiness. My lips were inexplicably torn, though I couldn’t remember how it had happened. The only clear images in my mind were of my mother and him. The white horns in my battered hand rattled softly.

“Damn, why is this cabinet moving so much? Maybe I should just rip it apart and use it for firewood. But it’s soft and comfortable, perfect for leaning on.”

Naro was leaning against me, deeply engrossed in a book he had bought earlier that day. Naro, of all people, would never pretend not to notice my disheveled state after I barged in like this. But when I asked him to treat me like a piece of furniture, he really did. I leaned my head against the wall and stared blankly at the ceiling. In the end, I always ended up here, no matter how hard I tried to avoid it. So I had to find the answer here.

“It’s been so long since I’ve read a book that it’s making me nauseous. Roha would probably regret buying this the moment he saw it.”

Naro closed the book, leaned further into me, and started mumbling.

“But it’s really strange, you know? He was fine all day, and then suddenly he showed up looking like he was on the verge of death. That guy hardly ever smiled, but today he seemed so peaceful and content. Then he should have smiled properly, right? Instead, he kept making these subtle, odd expressions, like he was about to smile but never quite did. It really made people anxious. That’s why even His Majesty kept looking at him strangely. In a situation where even smiling wouldn’t have been enough, what was he thinking, risking falling out of favor?”

“…”

“Could it be that he regrets pursuing that difficult study? I really don’t understand why he would go out of his way to suffer like that. For someone who doesn’t look like it, he’s quite stubborn. Well, it’s a good thing! Honestly, I found teaching him to be a bit of a hassle…”

“I didn’t know you thought that way.”

It was the first sound I made since entering the room a moment ago. Naro flinched, then spoke up immediately.

“Hey, why are you eavesdropping on my soliloquy? Are you Roha? Or some hidden spy?”

I couldn’t help but laugh quietly.

“I’m Roha.”

“Well, that’s a pleasant thing to hear.”

With a hum, Naro leaned against the wall and finally settled next to me. His gaze kept flickering toward the white horn I was holding, seemingly curious the whole time.

“Is that from the Imae Tribe? Where did you get it?”

“It belonged to my mother.”

“Oh…”

Naro’s face turned pale as if he’d seen a ghost.

“I… I didn’t know that.”

“And yet the person who killed my mother claims he wants to apologize to her. Someone who originally had no emotions says he’s trying to make an effort. I don’t think such a thing could ever happen.”

Naro was left speechless, unsure of what to say.

“Why, why? Sure, of course, killing him wouldn’t be enough, but if he wants to apologize, shouldn’t you accept it? Forgiveness can come afterward…”

“I don’t see the point in any of it.”

“…”

“I think my whole life has been about protecting my mother. I’ve done things I shouldn’t have, but as long as she was around, it didn’t matter. Now that I’ve lost everything, an apology won’t bring her back.”

It was strange. Words that used to terrify me came out so casually now. Naro, looking like he was on the verge of tears, spoke softly.

“Of course. That kind of person deserves to be torn limb from limb! If that murderer stood before me, I would rip him to shreds! Even that wouldn’t be enough. I’d throw his body to the dogs!”

With a bitter smile, I clenched the white horn so hard it felt like it would pierce my skin.

“Yes… that’s the right thing to do, isn’t it?”

As expected, Naro gave a clear answer. Even if that person apologized a thousand times, his sins would never be washed away. And it was even harder to forgive myself than it was to forgive the Black Martial Emperor. Naro leaned against the wall, his face clouded with sorrow.

“So that’s how it was… That’s how it is…”

In a choked voice, Naro mumbled.

“Whenever I looked at you, you always seemed dry, like someone constantly being chased by something. You never got angry, but you didn’t laugh easily either… Today, though, you looked really good. I’ve never seen you so at ease. It’s like looking at you… makes me think of something.”

His dark eyes met mine.

“It’s like you’re happy, but you’re pretending not to be. I can see right through it. Why are you holding it back when it’s so clear? Others would kill to have what you have…”

“It would be too unfair to have that as well.”

“Unfair, you say…”

Naro blinked in confusion.

“Of course, if my mother had gone through what yours did, I wouldn’t be able to live with a smile right away. But still, the living have to keep living. If the living wear the faces of the dead, what are we to do? Ah, well, of course, you’re not exactly human…”

Naro continued.

“You’ve spent your life living for your mother, spying for your fallen tribe. Maybe now you can live just for yourself. I’m sure your mother would want that.”

I gazed at the face so much like my mother’s, with a faint smile.

“Do you really think that’s possible? That I can keep living… like this?”

“Of course!”

Naro answered without hesitation, his broad smile so strikingly similar to my mother’s it made my heart ache. Could it really be like that? Then why does she keep appearing with that expression? Would Naro still say the same thing if he knew everything? But for now, Naro was the only lifeline I had.

***

I spent the whole day washing off the sweat and grime in the bathhouse near Byeolwon. After changing into the clothes Naro had given me, I crossed the dim courtyard of the palace and entered the main gate of Byeolwon, only to bump into someone coming out. The stone-like chest and familiar scent of tobacco told me who it was without needing to see his face. Slowly, I raised my head to look at him. The Black Martial Emperor stood there, quietly smoking. The thick smoke seemed to penetrate deep into his lungs before dissipating far beyond him. The smoke lingered around his still, dark eyes. He shrugged off the moonlight that clung to his clothes and leaned casually against the gate.

“You dropped this.”

He raised his hand a moment later. Between his fingers was an oval-shaped stone—

. As I took the stone from him, he let his hand fall again, moving slowly and sluggishly. The reason for this became clear when the scent of alcohol wafted over.

“How about this? Hit me and curse at me until you feel better.”

His slow voice drifted out.

“But don’t disappear from my sight.”

He gently touched my lips with his fingers, his dark eyes tracing them. The coldness of his touch made my lips sting. I quietly averted my gaze. It was strange. Just seeing his face had been enough to dilute the overwhelming emotions that used to drag me into despair. Perhaps the method he suggested was a good one. I glanced sideways at Naro’s room, where the lamp was lit. If he knew about this, it would certainly stir up chaos in Byeolwon… I tugged at the hem of his robe, leading him toward a nearby pavilion. He followed without protest.

When we reached the pavilion, the insects, still clinging to the remnants of the past summer, buzzed around the lantern, and a lark sang mournfully to the moon. Though it was only a few steps away, the night view from here felt like an entirely different world. I stared blankly at the endless expanse of the sky, stretching out before me. Are you watching now…?

“My mother… keeps appearing. Whenever I’m with Your Majesty, she seems to watch me as if scolding me, her eyes filled with blood and tears.”

Fearing she might suddenly appear, I shook off my gaze from the dark void.

“Whenever that happens, my mind goes blank. I can’t think of anything, and all that remains is anger towards Your Majesty…”

And then guilt, self-loathing. Yet beneath it all, there’s a weak desire to find a way out. Could it be that I’ve created this illusion for myself…?

The Black Martial Emperor stared into the dark void as if piercing through it.

“Then I’ll have to find a way to make you like me and calm your anger quickly.”

His voice had lowered even more. I leaned against the pillar of the pavilion.

“I eat, sleep, and laugh as if nothing’s wrong when I’m with Your Majesty, but sometimes, I’m jolted awake. That’s not normal, is it? At least, if I had any sense, I shouldn’t be like this…”

I looked indifferently at his cold-blooded profile.

“When I’m with Your Majesty, I keep feeling uneasy.”

Our gazes met.

“If things keep going like this… I feel like I might end up happy one day…”

His eyes trembled violently. I slowly lowered mine. Perhaps Raonhiljo senses my conflicted feelings, which is why he’s even more despairing. I felt it was only right to suffer alongside him, at least until his wounds healed. But because of this man, all my resolve crumbled. Suddenly, his cold voice reverberated through the air.

“A child born without emotions. I thought it was a disease and did everything I could to fix it. All he wanted was excitement in his boring life, though.”

“…”

“One day, he took a woman to the forest. The woman cried, thinking it was her fault, and begged for forgiveness, but she was gravely mistaken. It was no one’s fault. If anything, it was a mistake by the gods. He cut open her belly and threw her to the monsters that lived on the mountain—his mother, his first woman.”

He cast a fleeting glance at me with his eyes alone.

“It’s a story only that forest and the young man know.”

My mind went numb. The story he told was so shocking that I could hardly process it. Staring at him in bewilderment, I asked, my voice trembling slightly.

“And… what happened to the young man?”

The corner of his lips curled up faintly.

“Why don’t you take a guess?”

Finally hearing his story, delivered in such a detached tone… My heart, which had been racing, slowly calmed. Keeping his gaze on me, he took another drag of his cigarette. His smoky voice filled the air.

“I still don’t know the pain of those I’ve hurt. Like you said, maybe it’s just my instinct. The feeling of blood draining away, of my heart being torn to pieces… I’ve only felt that once.”

He gazed into the night sky, still and unshaken like a tranquil pool.

“It’s excruciating to know I made you feel that way. To see you holding onto the pain I’ve caused… Is it not enough that I understand even a little of what I’ve done?”

The moonlight seeped into his face, which slowly faded into the shadows.

“But right now, this is all I can offer.”

He raised the cigarette to his lips once more as he finished speaking.

“Curse me and tear me apart as much as you want. But after that, don’t carry anything in your mind. Live your life as usual—eat, sleep, draw, and laugh when you want to. It’s okay if you live like you don’t have a brain.”

His dark, damp eyes arrived at me with a gentle curve.

“I’ll take care of the rest.”

The pitch-black night landscape, resembling him, faded into a hazy blur. Not now. Just a little longer, a little more time to atone to those people… It won’t be too late then. Isn’t it right that he and I should live in the shadows like moss? Shouldn’t we dream of a world touched by light? The hazy smoke of the cigarette enveloped us, creating a faint afterimage. His firm fingers withdrew something from my cheek.

***

When the small side room door of the pavilion opened, a slice of moonlight came in and quickly disappeared. As the door closed, he kissed me like a sudden shower and laid me down on the floor. With his hand pushing inside my pants, he groped my buttocks and, as he removed my top, lightly brushed my nipple with his fingertips. His lips traveled down my neck, taking a full bite. After lingering on my nape for a while, his lips descended to my chest, circling around the round protrusions with his tongue before drawing them into his mouth deeply. His tongue, now moving under my armpits, gently scratched the hollowed areas. I urgently grasped the pile of clothes discarded near my head and bucked my waist.

“Hah… Ugh…”

A mix of ticklishness and strange stimulation crossed my mind in a frenzy. It wasn’t a moan or a laugh but a heated sound that leaked out. However, the persistent rhythm of his tongue probing my weak spots eventually made me burst into laughter. My laughter scattered vividly in the dark air. He rose up, examining my still-laughing face closely.

“Do you know? Every time you laugh like that, it feels like a temptation.”

He gave a deep kiss while pulling out my genitals from my pants and stroking them up and down. In the blink of an eye, his head slid over my chest. His lips, which had been scratching my side, moved to my arm, enveloping the pointed elbow. Simultaneously, he lowered my pants, brushing the inside of my thighs, and after a moment, his lips covered the skin of my thigh. His lips followed the path of his hands like flowing water. The shadow of his solid shoulder muscles wavered sensually. He immediately went lower, lifting my legs high and sliding his tongue between my heels and toes.

“Hah…”

As he sprung up, he pressed down on my lower abdomen. His heated, dark eyes fixed on me in the darkness, while the soft flesh from my toes traveled up the gradual curve of my knees and thighs. My already aroused genitals were sucked into a moist place. His inserted fingers hit the back wall of the entrance before withdrawing. The intricate yet intense movements caused blood to rush to my lower abdomen. As climax approached, I twisted my waist and thrust my fingers into his hair.

He raised my knees close to my ears and repeatedly thrust his tongue into the tightly closed opening. His tongue briefly emerged to sweep up my genitals. The sensation of his sucking became stronger and the slick flesh thrashed indiscriminately below. The rhythm of his fervent tongue and every sensation of entering and exiting were laid bare. My face blazed with shame. My body trembled with constant desire and indiscriminate sensations. My heightened state could no longer be contained, and I let out a cry of pleasure. He expertly swallowed the ejaculate from his mouth. As I panted uncontrollably in the throes of passion, he positioned himself between my legs. Underneath the fabric, his member swelled to its limit and scratched my buttocks.

Suddenly, his scarred torso came into view. Struggling to rise, I sat before the Black Martial Emperor. Placing my hand on his broad shoulders, he raised his eyebrows. Downward, downward… The long, deep, and jagged scars on his shoulder blades, arms, and sides, the numerous scars that revealed our past, were carefully observed and touched with my hand. The shadows cast on the scars were painfully deep and vivid. Despite the explicit gaze on my crown, I slowly pulled down the waistband of his pants. Then, rough pubic hair and a massive shaft were revealed. The angry tip was covered in sticky fluid, emitting a strong odor.

I gently wrapped his member with both hands and rubbed it against my chest. As the different textures of our flesh rubbed together, the object in my hands grew larger. After a few more rubs, I withdrew and lightly took the damp tip of his penis into my mouth, barely reaching my nose. His lower abdomen twitched. The red, wet tongue wrapped around the fierce beast, caressing it. I took the tip into my mouth, savoring the skin and scraping the protruding muscles with my tongue. Wrapping it again with my lips, I stimulated it without causing pain, and the muscles inside my mouth throbbed violently.

“Hah…”

The Black Martial Emperor grasped my hair tightly with his heated hands. Gripping his member firmly, I sucked it down to my throat, moving my tongue. What seemed to be at its limit expanded fearfully, filling my mouth. I lifted my downcast eyes to look straight at him. Like a predator waiting for its prey, his eyes gleamed as I chewed on the flesh in my mouth to avoid pain. His chest, stained by the lantern’s light, moved irregularly, and his well-carved features twisted with clear lust. Saturating the entire shaft with saliva, he pressed the tip down with his moist tongue, causing him to move his waist back and forth. When his slick member entered, he gently embraced it, and when it withdrew, he sharply scratched the tip.

“Hah… Huh…”

As fiery breaths poured over me, he wildly swung his waist. My head was bounced violently by the intense motion, yet I continued to embrace the fierce beast with my tongue. As his member swelled to its peak, I tightened my lips and tongue around it, pulling it like extracting a root. The moment he pulled my head, thrusting his waist, ejaculate was sprayed into my mouth. He continued to release a long stream of pleasure while keeping his waist elevated. After wringing out every drop of desire, he urgently laid me down and pressed his lips against mine. The acrid smell of desire clung to our mucous membranes. His aroused member entered again, spreading the opening on both sides.

“Hah… Huh…”

“Hah…! Hah… Ugh…! Uhm…!”

As my waist arched, the half-immersed member thrust deeply. Matching his thrusts, I also shook my waist. The frighteningly large weapon withdrew and then jabbed fiercely, losing direction and thrashing. The stimulation from below resonated throughout my body, driving me to the peak of pleasure. As I approached climax, his fiery member focused intensely on the peak. Dizziness overwhelmed me, making my vision white. No matter where it thrust, it was an intense climax.

“Hah…!! Ah! Ugh…! Hahh…!!”

I writhed my tongue and let out a cry of pleasure. He too lost his composure, emitting obscene moans. The massive weapon ruthlessly stirred the pleasure pooled in the corners of my walls, and it felt like my brain was melting from the heat. It felt as if my bones and flesh were all turning to ashes. His face, observing me, gradually hardened. Suddenly, he pulled his lower body back and said in a hoarse voice.

“Hah… This is dangerous for both of us.”

“Don’t… Uhm… Hah…”

No… No… Don’t stop… The departed warmth left my chest aching. The beast at the entrance made me anxious, as if it were about to come in. I clung to his strong nape and desperately licked his lips. His lower body was rigidly tensed.

“Hah… Your… Majesty… Faster… Faster…”