To Own The Libs

 

“Okay, next,” the bailiff said; he looked at the sheet of paper he held in his hand. “O’Connor?”

I gulped. “Here!” I replied, as I stood up. “That’s me.”

He nodded. “Right this way, miss.” He motioned to the open courtroom doors, and I nodded back.

I turned to my friends, who remained seated. “See you later, folks.”

“You got this, Lily,” Nora said, smiling reassuringly; I smiled back, and made my way to the doors and through them.

As I walked up to the judge, seated high up in his imposing chair behind the bench, I was a bundle of nerves. The turnaround for getting here had been, surprisingly, extremely quick; the copy of my birth certificate had arrived the very next day after I’d ordered it, and the court had an open appointment for two days later, on Friday: so before I knew it, a week to the day after I’d been forced to move out of my dorm room, I was about to change my legal name. Probably. Maybe.

I was almost expecting the judge to see right through me, to instantly realise that I was actually faking it, and to call for someone to arrest me and lock me up. When I stood in front of him, however, he smiled kindly at me.

“Oh, don’t be so nervous,” he said warmly. “You’re not on trial here, miss.”

I gulped, and nervously nodded.

“Let’s see now,” the judge continued, reading from a sheet. “Petition for change in legal name. So your new name will be Lily O’Connor. Is this correct?”

I nodded again.

“Nice name. Now, has all the necessary paperwork been filed?”

“Yes, your honour,” a clerk seated to the judge’s right answered.

The judge nodded. “And have all relevant fees been paid?”

“Yes, your honour,” the clerk repeated.

“Good,” the judge nodded again, and turned to me. “Do you swear you are not changing your name to evade debts, or in order to defraud?”

That was a question I’d been expecting: according to Vicky, judges often asked that. But while it made me a bit nervous to be put on the spot, I didn’t have any debts, and I’d looked up the legal definition of fraud, and what I was doing absolutely did not count as fraud. So…

“No, your honour. I mean, yes. Yes, I swear,” I said.

The judge nodded yet again, and he banged his gavel. “Name change approved. You will be required to publish notice of this in a newspaper before it becomes official, you’ll be instructed as to which one.” He smiled. “Have a nice day, miss O’Connor.”

I stood there for a moment, stunned. Was that it? The whole thing had taken barely five minutes, I’d expected something more. “Thank you,” I replied; I turned around, and walked right out of the courtroom, to my waiting friends, after stopping for a moment to receive the publishing instructions from another clerk.

“That was quick,” Nora remarked. “Is everything okay?”

I nodded, still a bit out of it. “Yes. Yes, everything’s okay,” I said. I looked over the paper I’d been handed, and then back up at my friends. “According to this, I just need to publish notice of the court order in a newspaper within sixty days, and the ruling will become official: they’ll mail it to me once it does.”

“So it’s done,” Anna said. “You’re Lily. Really for real.”

Vicky punched her lightly in the shoulder. “She was already Lily really for real, this was all just to make bureaucracy recognise the truth.”

Anna nodded sheepishly. “Yeah, you’re right. Sorry.”

“No harm done,” I smiled at her.

“Alright, now we have to celebrate!” Elanor exclaimed. “After all, we took a day off to come here to Syracuse, and we have time, and also a cause for celebration. Let’s go shopping!”

I hesitated. “Um… I’ll come with you, but I think I’ll pass on actually buying anything,” I said.

Elanor looked at me questioningly. “Oh? Why’s that?”

“Well, you see…” I began; then I sighed. “This whole thing wasn’t exactly cheap. Between the copy of the birth certificate, filing fees, and now the cost of publishing a notice… This is setting me back nearly five hundred dollars. I’ll have to watch my expenses for a while.”

“Oh, don’t worry, I’ll pay for anything related to your legal transition,” Vicky said.

I turned to look at her. “What? Vicky, I can’t–”

“Yes you can,” she replied. “Besides, I’ve already been paying for your HRT, I can pay for this, too.”

I blinked. Hold on, what?

I thought back, and I realised that while she’d kept giving me box upon box of estrogen and testosterone blocker, no money had changed hands: I hadn’t actually paid her back for the hormones.

I closed my eyes and mentally swore. “Holy shit,” I said, under my breath. “Vicks, I’m so sorry. How much do I owe you?”

She waved her hand dismissively. “Like I said, don’t worry about it.”

“But… It’s a lot of money!” I protested.

“It’s my parents’ money,” she said. “Whenever I need some cash, I just phone home. They never ask what I use it for; frankly, I doubt they care. And I’m going to milk them for transition money – for me and others – for as long as I can.” She grinned. “Call it a bigot tax.”

I kept looking at her for a few moments more, and then slowly nodded. “Thank you.”

“You’re more than welcome,” Vicky answered. “Now, shall we go shopping?”

-----

“Alright, here we are!” Nora said, turning around and spreading her arms wide to encompass the whole clothes store in a grand gesture, while I and the others marvelled at the sight: it was much, much bigger than the store at the mall near Bradford McKinley. The rows of clothing, all lined up on hangers, went on and on, seemingly forever, getting lost in the distance.

“I’ve been here a couple times,” Vicky supplied. “There’s plenty of choice.”

“Exactly,” Nora nodded. “So, Lily, what do you need?”

My answer was instant: “Dresses. And skirts. I mean, I have plenty of clothes, I’ve slowly built up my wardrobe, but so far I couldn’t buy anything that wouldn’t seem like a piece of men’s clothing at first glance, so dresses and skirts were right out. In fact, the only dress I own is the one you bought me.”

“And you look really cute in it,” Nora said, grinning at me; I tried and failed not to blush.

“I think I may have to buy a new bra, too,” I continued. “The one I have is starting to feel a bit tight.”

Vicky looked at me in surprise. “Already? When did you start hormones again?”

I thought back. “It was… mid-January, I think.”

Vicky kept staring at me for a moment. “I think this store has a lingerie section, too,” she said, finally. “Come with me.”

She grasped my arm and dragged me towards the back of the store, our friends following closely behind us: it took us just a few moments of searching to find the lingerie section, and Vicky approached a shop assistant.

“May I help you?” the assistant asked, with a polite, business-like smile.

“Yes, I think you can,” Vicky replied, nodding. “I think my friend has had a growth spurt recently, she may need a new bra.”

The assistant nodded back. “Of course. Come right this way, and we’ll get you measured.”

She led me to a changing room, and we ducked into it, leaving the others standing outside. Like the first time I’d been measured, nearly two months before, I stripped to the waist; this time I barely hesitated, though – for some reason, the thought of having someone stare at my naked skin didn’t faze me any more.

“Alright, let’s see here,” the assistant said, wrapping a tape measure around my chest. “You’re a thirty-six…” She paused, readjusted the tape measure, and continued, “…A, but a bit on the large size. Nearly a B, actually.”

“What!” I heard Vicky shout from outside.

I hesitated. “Um… Is there a problem?” I asked.

Vicky’s head poked through the curtain: she had a mock-scandalised expression on her face. “Yes, there is, in fact, a problem! You’ve been on hormones for less than three months, and you’re already a full A, maybe a B? How actually dare you!” She reached in, and slapped me lightly on the shoulder. “You have no idea how lucky you are!”

I laughed in response, blushing a bit at the same time. “Oh, is someone jealous?” I asked.

“Damn right I’m jealous,” Vicky responded, laughing along with me. “I would’ve paid damn good money to be as big as you are after three months, you bitch!”

From outside, I could hear Nora, Elanor, and Anna trying and failing to hold back laughter.

“Um,” the shop assistant said; at that moment, I realised she was still in the changing room, and she was looking at me weirdly.

“Yes?” I asked.

“…You’re trans?” she asked.

I blinked. Oh, right. Vicky and I had accidentally outed ourselves to her, hadn’t we?

“Um… Yes,” I replied. “I hope it’s not a problem.”

She shook her head. “Oh, no, no problem at all, I’m just a bit startled, because I honestly couldn’t tell.” She paused for a moment, and then continued, “I’ll go get some bras for you to try on, I’ll be right back.”

“I’ll come help you, I know what style she likes,” Vicky said. “Hey! Nora! Come help me pick out a bra for your girlfriend!”

Vicky and the assistant both left the changing room, leaving me standing there, dumbfounded.

…She couldn’t tell? Seriously?

Did that mean I… I passed?

No, that couldn’t be. After all, I’d been transitioning for less than three months. There was no way I passed, the assistant was just being kind and considerate.

And yet, the thought of being seen as a girl by everyone – not as a trans girl, a girl, period – made me feel warm and fuzzy, deep in the pit of my stomach.

Was… was this euphoria? And if so, what did it mean? Why was being seen as a girl making me so happy?

Did it mean–

“Here we are,” the assistant said, walking back into the changing room with an armful of bras, and shaking me out of my train of thought. “Let’s try these on, shall we?”

I nodded, still a bit out of it. “Yeah, let’s.”

-----

After I found the right bra for me – I was, in fact, a large A, nearly a B – it was time for clothes. Like the first time we’d gone shopping together, my friends basically turned me into their dress-up doll. Not that I minded, they were very knowledgeable about women’s clothing, while I was still a newbie.

We spent the best part of the afternoon in the clothing store, and emerged from it laded with several bags: we’d all bought something, and mine were filled with dresses and skirts, and also some tops and pants – I just couldn’t resist. It was quite the hit to my wallet, but in the end it was worth it. (Vicky tried and failed to pay for the clothes in my stead: while I’d grudgingly accepted that she was bankrolling my transition – and was I grateful to her for it – I firmly insisted on buying the clothes myself.)

Then, after we’d taken a quick break at the food court to catch our breath, it was almost time to go home. Almost: Nora insisted on making one last stop before going back to Bradford McKinley, and after tapping on her phone for a few moments, she led us right to a shoe store.

“I’ve looked this place up,” she said, holding up the phone. “Apparently it has a wide selection of shoes, even in large sizes. Perfect for you.”

“But I already have shoes,” I protested.

“You have men’s shoes,” she rebutted. “The most feminine of them are the Converses you’re wearing, and those are unisex. Several of the clothes we bought today require something more sophisticated: a classy pair of flats, or even heels. And that’s what we’re going to buy: heels.”

Heels? Seriously? I mean, I’d always thought heeled shoes were really nice, and they made girls’ legs look very good, but I’d never thought I would wear a pair.

“I’m not sure about this,” I said, nervously biting my lip. “Heels are very different from what I usually wear.”

“That’s the whole point,” Anna said; Elanor nodded in agreement. “Women’s shoes are much more varied than men’s, same as clothes. But a single pair of heels can go with almost everything.”

I glanced around, and saw that all my friends were looking at me expectantly. “Okay,” I nervously nodded. “But nothing too high, or I’m afraid I’ll break my ankle.”

“No you won’t. You’ll get used to them in no time,” Nora said.

“You gals have fun,” Vicky said. “The three of us are going to check that shop over there.” She turned around and pointed, seemingly at random.

Anna looked at her in surprise. “What? No we’re not.”

“Yes, we are,” Elanor said, and grabbed Anna’s arm. “Come on.”

I looked at Vicky and Elanor as they dragged Anna away, and giggled. “They’re not being subtle, are they?”

“No, they’re not,” my girlfriend replied. Then, after a moment, she continued, “I asked them to leave for a while, actually.”

I turned to look at her. “You did?” I queried. “Why?”

“Well, you see… With everything that happened lately, we haven’t had time to be alone,” she said. “I’ve been missing this. Being able to be with you, on our own, just like this.”

I felt myself blushing a bit. “You’re right, I’m sorry, I–”

Nora quickly shook her head. “No, Lily, you don’t need to apologise, you’re not at fault here. You’ve been through a lot. I…” she sighed. “I just want you to know that I’m here for you. Feel free to lean on me for anything you need.”

“Thank you, Nora,” I said, smiling at her and grabbing her hand; she smiled back.

We looked at each other for a moment, then my girlfriend squeezed my hand. “So. Let’s get you a new pair of shoes,” she said, and she turned around to wave a shop assistant over.

The whole process was remarkably quick: I gave the assistant my shoe size (specifying that it was a men’s size – she told me not to worry, and quickly converted it to a women’s size), and she went off to find some heeled shoes that would fit me. Before I knew it, I was sitting on a stool, barefoot, staring down at a pair of heels, which were sitting on the floor in front of me.

“Try these on. Take your time, I’ll be back soon,” the assistant said, and went off to assist someone else: the shoe store wasn’t that busy, but she was apparently the only one on duty.

I looked down at the shoes and gulped. They had a very modest heel, barely an inch, and yet they looked like skyscrapers to me. Would I even be able to balance in them, or would I topple right over?

“Um… little help?” I asked, looking pleadingly up at my girlfriend.

“Here, let me,” Nora said, kneeling down to the floor. “Your first pair of heels is an important milestone, and I want you to enjoy the experience.” She grabbed one of the two shoes, and slipped it onto my foot. “How does it feel? Does it fit right?”

“It does,” I said, turning my foot this way and that, to get a better look at the shoe; then I giggled. “You know, I almost feel like a fairytale princess right now. Like Cinderella. Only my transformation wasn’t quite as fast.”

“Even though it wasn’t as fast, it was still amazing,” Nora replied, slipping the other shoe onto my other foot, and then standing up. She offered me a hand: I took it, and stood up from my seated position, gingerly trying to find my balance in the heels. “I mean, when I met you you were cute, but now? You’re not cute any more, you’re absolutely beautiful, Lily.” She leaned over, and gave me a peck on the lips. “My princess.”

I blushed, and gave her a mock curtsy, almost losing my balance – I had to lean onto Nora’s hand to avoid falling over. “Why, thank you, Queen Nora.”

My girlfriend blinked. “Queen Nora?” she repeated.

“Of course,” I said, straightening up. “If I’m a young, naive princess, you’re a wise queen, expertly guiding her subjects through the perils of life.” I smiled. “And I’m really grateful for everything you’ve done for me, Nora. I love you.”

Suddenly, Nora blushed furiously. Her face turned deep red, and she looked away from me.

“What’s the matter?” I asked, puzzled. “Why the reaction?”

“I’m sorry, give me a sec,” she said, still not meeting my eyes. She brought a hand to her mouth, and sniffled loudly: she looked like she was about to cry.

“Nora? Nora, what’s wrong?” I asked again, suddenly concerned. “Did I do something wrong?”

My girlfriend quickly waved her hand. “No, no, you did nothing wrong, Lily. You absolutely did nothing wrong, it’s just…” she paused, and sniffled again. “It’s just… this was the first time you said you love me.”

I blinked. My mind raced. I thought back to every moment I’d spent with Nora, from the time I’d first met her up until that very instant, and realised she was probably right. While I did love Nora, with all my heart… I’d never said it out loud.

“Then I’ll say it again. And again. Over and over, as many times as it takes,” I said, unsteadily stepping up to her and grasping her hands. “I love you, Nora.”

She looked back at me: she had tears in her eyes, but she was smiling widely.

“And I love you, Lily.”

She leaned forward, and we kissed. It wasn’t really a passionate kiss, it was quite chaste, but at that moment I felt a connection with Nora I had never experienced before with anyone: at that moment, I couldn’t picture my future without her.

God, I really loved her.

After the kiss we hugged briefly, and then separated; and just in time, the shop assistant came back right then.

“Alright, I see you’ve tried them on,” she said, motioning at the heels I was wearing. “How do they fit? Are they comfortable?”

“Very,” I nodded. “More than I was expecting, actually. But I’m having a bit of trouble finding my balance.”

“That will come with time and practice,” the assistant replied. “So, how about it? Want to try on another pair?”

I grabbed Nora’s arm to keep my balance, and lifted one leg behind me, turning my head to look at the shoe. It was really nice.

“No, I think I’ll take these,” I answered.

“Great,” the assistant said with a smile; I sat back down on the stool and took the heels off, and she packed them away in the shoebox. Nora and I followed her to the register, where my girlfriend insisted on paying.

“They’re a gift, Lily,” she said. “To celebrate your name change.”

“Thank you,” I said with a smile.

We walked outside the store, and found our friends waiting for us. “So, how did it go?” Anna asked. “Did you enjoy yourself?”

Nora and I exchanged a glance, blushing slightly. “Yes. Yes, we did,” Nora said.

“Okay then,” Vicky said, with a knowing grin. “Are you just ready to go back to college? It’s getting a bit late.”

I nodded. “Yes, of course. Let’s go home.”