Chapter Forty-Eight - Stopgap

“Son, therapists don’t exist no more. Nobody’s got the money. They’re for CEOs and the likes. Their rich children.

Poor people like us? We ain’t worth it to the corpos. Mental health patients don’t really make them enough money for the investment. They just have AI watch us for stress, and kick us out before we snap, before we even know we sick ourselves. So we don’t even got a job left to pay for automated therapy.

Maybe some samurai bother with that stuff, but I think they got their own thing going, they and their Family.

Nah, if you want help, you’ll find people like me. Wise people, old people, people who’ve walked that road. Only way for you to help others, too. Get wise, or get old.

Ain’t no education around for stuff that don’t make stuff. We help people, but it ain’t no paying job, son. Professionals ain’t to be found, no more. 

Used to be around thirty years ago, though.

You can stick with me. Maybe some kind people don’t mind letting you watch and learn. Gotta get your own food, though.”

– Aunt “Auntie Care” Carrol, when a young man asked her how he might get a job about helping others deal with personal problems

 

***

 

I’m so sorry! Lily! Why didn’t I notice? I’m so sorry!

Leah couldn’t breathe. Her tongue was a dry log in her mouth, incapable of shaping the endlessly circling thoughts. She was lost, staring at that ancient stone altar she and Lily used to play on.

The others tried to invite her to play, but…Leah didn’t deserve that. Not now, not since Lily was gone and couldn’t play with them anymore, either.

Forgive me! I should’ve seen it! I sh—

A sudden blow against Leah’s chest knocked her down, and blinding pain crashed into the back of her skull. 

Everything…shattered?

Confused, Leah sat up. She winced at the pounding at the back of her head, and carefully touched the spot with her fingers. When she drew them away, there was some blood on them.

Tinea was lying across her lap, seemingly unconscious, antennae abnormally still. A panicked beat of her heart later, and Leah’s shaking fingers told her that she was still breathing. Still alive.

Leah forced herself to relax, and took a moment to straighten Tinea and her antennae out into a more comfortable pose, lightly stroking along the girl’s brows, squinting her own eyes against the migraine.

“Why am I bleeding? What happened?”

Leah, Ypsi’s voice was uncharacteristically serious, less cute little girl and more capable AI little girl. It also set off a tingle around her injury, and Leah grimaced at the added headache. You had a flashback.

Ah fuck. That… Yeah. It had been a while. Shit.

Leah carefully supported her throbbing head with one hand and closed her eyes.

Tinea was trying to help you, but she did something to herself in the process and ended up taking a pill to stop it. I believe it was a neurotransmitter block, but Tynea will not share specific data without Tinea’s permission. She lost consciousness as a result and unbalanced you until you fell over and cracked your head against the ground. Might I suggest some nanites to check on the injury?

Considering the migraine, that was probably a good idea…

“Yeah, gimme something. Thanks.”

Hold your hand out, please.

 

New Purchase: Class I Basic Medical Nanite Capsule, cerebral
Combined Points reduced to... 636

 

A small green ball fell into the palm of the Sleeve. It was very light, and Leah could barely tell it was there at all.

Put it onto your tongue and wait for it to dissolve.

She tried not to jostle her head as she followed Ypsi’s instructions, and soon a refreshing, minty tingle, impossibly mild, rushed through her tongue and gums, upwards into her brain, where it spread out in all directions.

The current met the pain and placated it, turned it into a moment of warm numbness followed by gentle relief, until Leah was free of pain.

She breathed a sigh and let herself relax a little.

“So, when will Tinea wake up again?”

It shouldn’t be long. She ought to come around any moment. Leah, how are you? I do not think your…episode can go ignored.

“No, it can’t. I used to have these…flashbacks up until about five years ago, where I finally progressed enough in my therapies not to experience them anymore. That they’re back now… Well. That’s something I need to dig into, don’t I? At least, I know where to start, huh? Practice makes the expert, and all that.”

That is good to know. There are catalogs that you could use in lieu of normal human therapy. Other solutions exist, too. They don’t deal with the root of the issue though, just render it irrelevant.

“Irrelevant?”

If your brain cannot have flashbacks because that pattern cannot fire, then it cannot have flashbacks.

“Ah, I see. That sounds like a last resort, though.”

It would certainly leave you with no skill at managing such a situation yourself. Though, I should note that such a skill would become unnecessary in the first place.

"Hmmm…?"  Perhaps the point was moot. She didn't see a reason to just go and mess with her brain like that, not when she already knew how to handle the flashbacks. She'd just…taken a bunch of steps backwards.

That was annoying. But part of growing up was also to just get up again, when unfortunate setbacks tripped one up, wasn’t i—

Tinea twitched. Her back arched suddenly, and...

 

***

 

I threw my eyes wide open, and desperately drew in huge lungfuls of air. I felt faint, as if I hadn’t breathed for minutes. 

Had I? Or had I actually not had air?

Tinea, your oxygen levels are fine. You could have gone for several minutes without drawing breath either way, but you did, and you are fine.

“UUUuuuuuuff!” I was jittery with nerves. Too much had happened.

Leah was there above me, leaning into my field of view, and my eyes locked onto hers. They were red and strained, but dry. She seemed…normal. Stressed, tired, unhappy, but not panicky, and not laden with guilt.

That calmed me down, and finally the vise of anxiety around my brain lifted, and I could take stock of myself, too.

I looked back up at Leah, and said, “Well, that was some bullshit.”

She scrunched her nose at me. “My bad, I think. I haven’t had that particular kind of trouble for years, and it wasn’t as terrible as it used to be, either. Ypsi tells me it lasted only a few minutes, where it used to be hours, back in the day. Nothing would shake me out of it either. Plus, I’m mostly normal now, after. That’s different, too. Usually I wouldn’t just come out of one and be so… Well, not unbothered. Just…okay.”

I kneaded my eyes. Sighed.

“I…” I paused, looked up, then down again. Shifted uncomfortably, chewed my lip.

We could just try to get some sleep, sorta reset ourselves. Leave the difficult talk for tomorrow. There was a certain wisdom to that, too. Rest was important and maybe it would make things easier.

But it wasn’t what I’d promised myself when I became Tinea.

And anyway…our situation was going to be as fucked up tomorrow as it was today.

I saw Leah getting antsy, so I blew out some air, and sat up straight. Let myself notice that I was really scared of what Leah might think, about what I was going to have to say if I was going to be honest. I closed my eyes, and controlled my breathing consciously. Sank into it while I counted to ten. Reminded myself of my promises, which prompted me to look at my right ring finger, with the stylized golden path on it. Reminded myself to act like the adult I was.

Actually, it wasn’t all that scary, if I took a proper look at things. I didn’t need to worry about judgment. With a last slow exhalation, I let every distraction flow out of me.

“Yeah, alright.” I met Leah’s eyes, again. “So for me, things went a lot worse. I wasn’t able to keep my cool when you had your flashback. Kept asking Tynea how to help you, help you in the future. She talked to me, told me that I can’t fix your problems for you. Normally that wouldn’t be an issue. I mean, I’ve had to fix my issues myself, too, right? And I get that that applies to you, too. Anyone adult, obviously.

“But because of the way things were going, I wasn’t able to…accept that. Not straight up. Too much was happening. So, I fell back on an old habit from my childhood that I used to use to distance myself from what was happening. To think without all the stress getting to me. It worked at first. But between everything, it had a really, really bad effect on me, too. 

“I, like, sorta self-hypnotized? I…stumbled into child-hood thinking, got confused at my own body, just, an almost complete break. Barely had enough awareness left to get Tynea to take me out of it with a drug, once I realized I was gone too far.”

Leah remained silent, but her pretty eyes kept widening as I spoke.

A heartbeat later, she quietly asked, “Why did you react so strongly? I mean, if you ask me, that’s wildly out of character.”

“Leah, I… Well. I’ve not had a lot of people who genuinely cared for me, or whom I cared about. So when that happens, as it has with you…I need to be very careful about how attached I get, or rather, what I allow myself to do as a result of it. I’ve had that stuff under control for more than half my life at this point, though.”

Leah tilted her head, and I could see the gears running behind her eyes.

Uh…

I lightly scraped a fingernail across my calves, as I waited for Leah to arrive at whatever conclusion she was working on.

Eventually, finally, she started talking again. “Alright, Tinea, what is it that you figure you need? There’s a bunch I want to say, but let’s start there. What is it that you need, so that you feel like you’re in control of your own behavior?”

What a question. Okay.

“Well, I’m fine right now. I’m not, like, swayed any particular way. I was fine, too, until I very suddenly wasn’t. There wasn’t any particular pressure to behave in specific ways, right up until you had your flashback. That’s pretty relevant… Yeah. Those I cared about, well, usually they just disappeared. They were there one day, and I was close to them, and then they were gone. I never had to watch it happen.”

“Which is different from today, how?”

“Today…that was a trainwreck rushing at me, and it felt like I couldn’t do anything about it. I think that pushed a few wrong buttons? Or, rather, that exposed me to an old trauma in a way I had no resistance against? Like, I had to learn to let myself get close to people at all again, but I didn’t have to learn to deal with people, uh, fading away from me as I watched.”

“Okay, I can see it. So, to answer my earlier question, what you need is that you’ve, what, got a plan? A plan for reacting right when something like my flashback happens.”

“As a stopgap?”

“Yeah, I mean, I don’t need to tell you that you need help, right?”

“Nah, I’m aware. Being a samurai should finally make proper help affordable, too. And you, Leah?”

“I’ve got people I can talk to.”

“Might be a good idea to check out some Vanguard-specialized services, I think? Different pressures and all that.”

“Yes. I was going to. Once I had my littles secured.”

I leaned back, studying the ceiling in thought.

“I mean, a plan sounds good and all, but I think what would’ve really helped me stay cool is if I’d known what to expect and how to act. Like, were you going to come out of it at all? How long would that take? Things like that.”

“Hmmm… So, knowledge helps you?”

“Definitely. I never did well not knowing what the deal was with somebody. But, apparently, I can’t deal with not knowing what’s up with you? Bit of a hangup, huh? I need certainty and clear messaging, but I’ve known that for a long time. That's why I ended that last relationship. She wouldn’t talk genuinely, turn everything into stupid riddles and stuff instead.”

“I mean, that’s a bit different. But I see some similarities. Alright. You’ve already told me lots about yourself. And as difficult as your, what, abandonment issues?”

“Maybe. I’ve never had a name for it, even if I’ve analyzed it for decades at this point.”

“Well, whatever difficulties they may present, they’re not having much of an effect on you right now, I don’t think. So, clearly, I don’t have to worry about weird behavior from you in everyday circumstances, where you’ve had half a lifetime’s practice sorting yourself out. And if knowing what to expect about the unusual stuff helps in non-everyday circumstances, then I’m going to tell you what I know about myself.”

“Oh, that would be great. I mean, we’ve mostly been talking about myse— Oh.”

 

***