This Is Where I Want To Be

35. We Have No Idea What We’re Doing

Juliet

It was Monday… Full moon day… D-day. I was stressed. It was looming over me like a dark cloud, wanting to call Chris and hear his voice… It was the only thing I was thinking about. Not having Louis poking around my head was for the best. The day was going to be eventful and keep me busy.

Charlene and I had been searching the campus for hours. She was getting tired; I told her to go back to the hotel to take a break. I was also tired of hoping to catch a glimpse and follow Ben. We decided that I would go invisible and do some recon inside the dormitory.

“Don’t stare too much,” Charlene said.

I scoffed at her, “You wish. Go and rest. By tonight, I’ll call you and arrange a meet-up with him,” I hugged her one last time.

She smiled and got on a bus. I waved her off. It was better to do it during the day because I had to wait for people to open doors for me. The more traffic made it easier. I had his room number and all the social information I needed, so I quickly found their room. There was a lot of commotion inside. That was why we could not track them down. They were gaming and had been the whole morning. Standing outside of their room waiting for any one of them needing a bathroom break was tedious. After a while, I needed to pee. It couldn’t hurt to just go… no one would know. I found the bathroom and closed the stall door peeing. When I was done, I flushed… I had to open the door before disappearing again. The guy standing waiting was expecting someone to come out and watched the door skeptically. He opened it a little wider; when he saw no one there, he freaked out in Spanish. It was funny, but I wasn’t standing around to hear him taking a dump.

I was waiting at the room door again. The Spanish guy who freaked out made his way inside. He was one of Ben’s roommates, “A lucky coincidence. Thank You.” Unfortunately, it also meant… I was stuck in the room for the rest of the day. Lying on one of the beds and watching them play games at a communal study desk in the middle of the room was super dull. Since I got this wonderful gift that I will be forever thankful for… I realized I hadn’t done really anything with it. Come to think of it, I never really followed Chris. Sure, at school, and that one time when I got in his car, it had been too close, and I stopped. Back then, something felt off about it… almost skeeve… Going to his house or following him to other places, knowing what I knew now, maybe I should’ve. There was really no fear of seeing him and Sita cuddling on the sofa.

Being bored to death brought around the idea of having some fun. I had learned all their names by then. The guy in the bathroom was none other than… I banged an invisible drum… Mateo, the dark Spanish beauty! The contestant will be scared to death. I was on the top bunk, and getting in under the sheet was easy. All of them wore earphones and I just had to wait for Mateo to get up and make his way to the kitchen area. When he turned around, I came back into my body and sat up.

The cussing in Spanish I could follow. It was loud. He dropped a cup of coffee. My ghost display had the desired effect. Poor Mateo was staring at the moving sheet. His screaming was so loud that the others irritatingly had to put down their headsets to talk to him… By that time, I had laid back down—invisible again. The others were severely ticked off. They were fighting some or other boss in a fantasy game. Mateo slowly walked up to the bunk to feel where the sheet had come up. He was confused and smelled his old cup on the table. He was trying to work out if his friends were drugging him. I laughed and laughed.

I proceeded to freak them out for the rest of the day, going underneath the table and sensually touching their legs all around. It was hilarious as they turned on each other—fighting—offended by the turn of events. Or, while they were busy trying to figure out what the hell was going on, I went into an open cupboard and closed it really hard from the inside. Why I had never done that before was just stupid… I wished I could go back and do it to Chris all the time… Or to Charlene and Carl. It had been a long time since I had a good laugh. The day turned out to be the best I’ve had in ages.

Eventually, though, I got bored. Scared they would leave or call someone… I was also kind of tired after the eventful two days, a long two weeks after coming to France. I was so adamant about knowing what was going on with Carl… but when the real secrets came out… I didn’t want to deal. My parents had lied to me again, and there was more unfinished business between Louis and me. I almost fell asleep on the bed. Luckily, they made such a commotion when it came to nighttime that they woke me running back and forth, getting dressed and ready to go out, shouting for socks, shoes, and whatever was needed. I was prepared at the door when Mateo himself was the last one to lock. I stepped out with him and seemed to gravitate to him. Mateo was kind of the most mature of the four and didn’t rush around; it meant he was easy to follow. For good measure, when he turned from pulling out the key, I came back and disappeared in front of him. He was visibly startled and fell back against the door. Gathering his wits, he stood staring all around him. He spoke a lot of Spanish as he walked down the hall, muttering.

It was nearly seven o’clock. The sun would be setting in an hour. I kept counting the time difference, thinking about Chris and him changing and whether he was as nervous as I was. These guys were also in a hurry and seemed to have somewhere to be. It was kind of exciting. I got in the car with them, feeling lucky that they weren’t going by bike. It afforded me a space in the middle back seat.

We were driving out of town for forty-five minutes when something in the pit of my stomach turned sour. The road didn’t seem to end, and my gut twisted into more nervous knots. Mateo got off the main road, and I had flashbacks of Mr. Tailored having the same bad feelings as I did when I had no way out. Mateo kept going further and further off onto minor roads.

At first, I thought we were going to Argenta, a nearby town. That would’ve been fine; I could’ve made a run for it there. But being so far off the main path… they’d be my only means of coming and going. Meant I had to stick to them like glue. I thought about running, but I would get lost and give Louis more of a reason to be angry, and making more wrong choices would be worse. I had to confess again that I might not have thought it all the way through. Stupid Juliet! Louis was probably on his way. I feared that if he found Charlene alone without me, there would be hell to pay. I was not ready for that conversation. Our relationship was only two weeks old, and fighting or setting boundaries was the last thing I wanted to do.

Finally, a smallholding appeared around some trees with outhouses and a big barn; there was also a normal-looking house. On the side lawn, cars were parked, and women and men were standing in small groups. A big bonfire outside made me exhale. It was just a party, “Fun! Let’s see if I can crash it.” The four men got out of the car. Outside, I left them for a few minutes to send Louis a quick message while thinking about pulling more pranks or appearing and joining the crowd.

I decided to stick to Benjamin rather than Mateo. If all else failed, he would be the go-to guy, I guessed. I could throw Charlene’s name around. I had so many pictures of her on my phone they would probably think twice about killing me. Some other guys handed them drinks and my first regret set in about being invisible. I wouldn’t be able to drink unless I appeared or stole one. Sitting around all day, I realized Louis hadn’t made good on his promise. I had not eaten since the X-pat in his house and although holding out was getting better, I felt it regardless. For the next few minutes, I proceeded to try and steal a drink as the four guys ‘meeted’ and ‘greeted’ their way through the crowd.

***

Louis

The previous night, after I had cooled down… I didn’t know what to message Juliet. I wanted her to be safe. I wanted to scold her. I wanted to leave and let her stew for a few weeks. Let her know how it felt when the other person just disappeared… I sighed, “Who am I kidding?” I muttered to myself.

My fingers did the talking…

Me [ Juliet

Just tell me if you go anywhere else. Please.

You know I can’t track the app if you go invisible.

Remember what happened last time.

Baby… Please.

Louis ]

I hoped she would do that one little thing for me. She read my message. The only thing I got was one Emoji… a naughty face emoji. I drew in a slow breath… Did she feel anything for me? She hadn’t told me she loved me. The commitment was there. We slept together… But physical intimacy doesn’t mean she cares. It was as if she had no regard for my feelings… I was in my room, and it was a beautiful night as I dragged my cigarette. I shook myself out of my negative thinking. Me not reading her was the problem; I felt what it was like to be in a normal relationship. I was lying to myself; it wasn’t true… My fear was playing tricks on me. She was still so young—eighteen. I couldn’t even remember what I did when I was that age. Her manners were proof enough about how she felt. I just didn’t have the confidence yet. Suddenly, I knew how Chris and Marcus must have felt, not knowing what she was thinking. You had to make all your decisions based on assumptions—how ridiculous.

I hoped they didn’t go clubbing. Meet Italian guys. Will she come home and tell me she slept with someone. I was jealous about that. Tried to convince myself they wouldn’t go anywhere. Order in. Watch on-demand movies. I should never have given her my card. The freedom for them was too much. Although I knew every transaction, it didn’t help if I was hours away from her.

The following day, Carl and I were sitting on the train, and I was staring at my phone like a lovesick puppy. Carl had even noticed I was different... Sleeping with Juliet had changed everything. We did really make it—official.

All of us were sitting around the fire. It had been a week and a half since our talk on the deck chairs. Juliet’s touch had increased exponentially. She didn’t hold back one second: She touched my arm as she spoke to me or my back if we were in the kitchen to move around. Hugged me from behind when she had an urge. Took my face in her hands whenever she felt like kissing, and she did it relentlessly, like she wanted to have me right there. Juliet would lay on the bed with me, and we would make out like she would say. A few times, it got hot and heavy. She would pull away at the last moment for some reason, and I couldn’t read her. She sat on my lap in the lounge… just to get off when she was tired and snuggled in next to me as we sat and listened to Carl rattle on. He had suddenly found his voice—liberated by the freedom of speech and not having to hide anything. Juliet even snuck into my room in the middle of the night, thinking I was asleep. I would carry her back to her room before the sun came up.

Charlene wanted to dance. Juliet soon joined in her pursuit. We put on music for them and cleared the patio. Juliet and Charlene were tipsy and play-dancing together. Juliet pulled Carl and me up to join them. I felt for Carl; he had to dance with Charlene when Juliet rubbed her body all over me. That went on for a few songs, where we just danced together. A slow song came up… Her hands found themselves under my shirt, ran up and down my back, and ended on my ass, pressing a very ready me into her. Lips fervently met mine. Her tongue teased me beyond what I could endure. I groaned inwardly, unable to take one more minute of it, “Juliet,” I whispered. They had actually dressed up for the night. She looked stunning in the dress and high heels. Smokey eyes looking deep into mine… pushing me to the brink… without her even knowing or realizing. She was a touchy-feely person by nature… She was young and did what she wanted without thinking. But that didn’t help me… I was the one on the receiving end, not in her thoughts, and I didn’t know how to get her to take that step. Never had I ever had to figure it out. It was like she was waiting for me to take the lead.

“What,” She asked.

I didn’t want to lose the mood. I was so nervous, “I’ll tell you what… You can’t deny me… love tonight,” she smiled and snorted, “The way you’re touching me and kissing me… There is only one way to cope with this.”

“Are you quoting my favorite song?” I nodded, smiling, moaning against her lips, “I’m in too deep tonight, Baby. I’m too high on you… dancing like that….”

“Your mouth knows just what to say… Will my head lift up? Will I scream?”

She was teasing… but it was a mistake. No. Not a mistake. “That’s it!” I whispered to her. I picked her up and threw her over my shoulder, strutting to the only destination there was. She laughed, hitting me for effect to put her down. When we walked past the other two, she yelled, “You guys better cover your ears! Louis’s going to make me scream.”

I couldn’t care that they knew. I spun to Carl, “Charlene has to stop drinking. Right now!” he nodded, running up behind us and closing the door to the inside. The music became louder as I neared the staircase. They were giving us privacy. In the back of my mind, I thanked him for it. Her words sunk in as I climbed the stairs. I was almost out of control when I laid her down on my bed. The feeling when I came down on her took over my whole body.

Even sitting on the train, I had no control over my love for Juliet… Or what I wouldn’t do for her.