This Is Where I Want To Be

33. Stupid Chris

Chris

“There is a motel connected to the bar… It has a few rooms; one of them is mine for the night.”

I smiled, putting my head on her shoulder, “I don’t think I’ll be able to do anything tonight. I am beyond…that.”

“That… doesn’t matter,” she smiled sweetly at me. Then Ashleigh took a little plastic bag out of her exposed bra. The little white pill balanced on her fingertip, which she stuck into my mouth and poured beer down my throat so I had swallowed it. She reached up, and her tongue found it’s way into my mouth. It had been a long time since I felt a woman’s lips on mine, wanting to kiss me. At first, I would’ve reciprocated, but Juliet’s face flashed in my mind… Her sweet smile before the laughter you knew would come… I could almost taste her cherry lip gloss… When Juliet had her orgasm, our heads rested against the others, and our eyes… I pushed Ashleigh away—rather harshly. She protested, but I staggered to the bathroom, going through the door into a stall and bending in front of the toilet. My body tried to throw up the drugs and alcohol, but nothing came out. Frustrated, I stood trying to sober up, leaning against the wall. I had another flash of Juliet’s face resting against my car seat, staring at me. I fisted the stall wall as hard as I could; the steel hinges rattled.

“Chris,” I heard Ashleigh outside.

My vision blurred; the pill had kicked in, making every movement slow. “Uh-oh,” I opened the door to get out of there.

Ashleigh pushed herself in, slamming me into the stall wall, reaching for my head, dragging my lips onto hers. I went in and out of it, seeing Ashleigh, being touched by Ashleigh, and then darkness in between. I was being maneuvered around—the back of my knees hit the toilet. Exposed thighs straddled me, lips moved from my neck to my ear. She was aiming for my mouth again. I’d been avoiding that specific orifice since the dance floor. If I kissed her… I would have sex in a toilet stall with a hooker. If I did—I would never have a chance with Juliet! Not even a little bit. Why did I drink? I never got drunk. I was going to throw it away for what—sex? I didn’t even want to touch Juliet before! Gave lame excuses about being married, her being too young! I was going to sleep with a complete stranger rather than Juliet... I wanted it to stop… I wanted the strength to get Ashleigh off me. It wasn’t what I wanted, and then… Ashleigh went limp on my lap.

I opened my eyes; my nails had dug into her back right through her body and pierced her heart, rib bones stuck out through her clothes… Her neck was dangling in front of me, and I bit into it. I sucked on the flesh and drank the blood. I kept drinking until she was white and blue, and then… I ate her. Biting into the flesh, I ripped her apart like bacon. What was left and untouched was her spinal cord… Snapping her neck, I closed my lips over the bones and sucked. Her head was hanging in one paw, her body in the other. That time, it felt good… I felt better. I would’ve felt better if Juliet was there and I could share a meal with her. Because with her, everything made sense. I shook myself at how foreign my own language had become. I was speaking about ‘a run,’ ‘creatures,’ ‘manifesting,’ and a ‘human as a meal.’ But they were right; it all felt natural, and I kept eating.

After I was done, I turned back to human instantly. There was almost nothing left of the Ashleigh, only clothes, a carcass… and legs. I was definitely sober and alert, and leaving the stall like that wasn’t an option. Feeling my pockets, I took out my phone to message Francis.

Me { Clean up on Isle… one. Could Francis please report to assist !!! }

Seconds later, Jack and Francis burst through the door, “Son of a Bitch!” Francis blurted out.

“What did you do?” Jack exclaimed.

“I… didn’t like Ashleigh,” I whispered.

They laughed, half-drunk, lips pressed together. The smell made them manifest, and they pushed through the door.

“What now?” I asked.

Francis’s lips turned downwards and he shrugged, “We’ll finish this, and I’ll go and find cleaning stuff after. Don’t let anyone through the doors. Take her clothes and push them into the bin.”

“No! We’ll have to take it… get the cleaning supplies and the key. We desperately need the key!”

Jack rushed for the door and slowly opened it, peering into the dark hallway. “That’s freaky,” I heard him say. Francis and I walked over to the door.

A janitorial trolley with water and a mop was standing outside the bathroom door. A plastic bag hung on the handle, with a key to the bathroom. Jack took a step back. Instinctively, I scanned the roof for cameras; there wasn’t even a sprinkler for fire hazards. I felt myself checking my body and my watch, trying to figure out what could still be bugged, “Do you have anyone else tracking me?”

“Us? No… it’s just Jack and me.”

“Let’s not look a gift horse in the mouth,” I said.

Jack dragged the trolley in, and we locked the door. They ate while I cleaned, shaking my head that that was now my life—and it didn’t bother me one bit.

***

Juliet: France

After a long flight, we had six hours on the TGV. We rented a car and drove east toward the Alps. We were all quiet in our own little worlds most of the time; going out of that atmosphere changed all of us, and we could all breathe a little easier. Charlene was away from her parents, who she hadn’t told about the pregnancy. Carl was away from his father. Louis was away from Chris. Me? I didn’t have to worry about Marcus finding me and taking me back to the compound or Chris not remembering, not calling, not caring.

The last bit of the road was narrow and wooded with large trees. Louis said his land was rather extensive for privacy, but even so, it felt like we were driving for an hour before the house finally came into view. It wasn’t grand or ostentatious, but The Alps, as a backdrop, made up for it. It was all hidden away in a valley.

The house was built out of stone at the bottom, for I guessed the snow in the winter. The rest was logged wood with balconies and a lot of windows. The cute little balustrade made the windows visible, but one couldn’t see into the house. There were garages and a cobblestone driveway big enough to turn a car around, surrounded by neatly cut grass. The lawn expanded around most of the house.

Inside, it was a different story altogether. The décor was so homely, with sheepskin blankets on the couches in front of a big fireplace. The living room led out to the backyard. We all gasped as Louis opened the doors. It was insane to think that places like that existed for some. There were double infinity pools, the higher one flowing over into a lower one on the other end of the yard, built and tiled with white stones.

Louis had placed square pavers in the grass to create a path leading from the fire pit outside and the barbeque area to the pools. Roundabout huge white stones were placed strategically all over the grass. The covered patio had sofas that would swallow anyone—so lush were the cushions.

We were standing on the grass and turned back to the house. All you saw were vast panels of glass windows instead of walls. The double story towered up in front of us. “I am glad you like it,” Louis whispered behind me. He put his arms around me and I leaned back into him. “The sky seems a little bluer now that you are here, Baby.”

“I doubt that… Louis, it’s amazing and feels unreal.”

“You get used to it after a hundred years,” he kissed the top of my head, “I feel like tearing it all down and starting over.”

“NO!” Charlene and I exclaimed.

“Please don’t… It’s breathtaking, everything you’ve done… so precise,” Charlene commented.

I looked at Carl, “And you? What do you think?

“It’s nice.”

Charlene and I felt offended. Louis held out his fist to the gentle giant that was Carl. They smiled at each other as their fists collided. Louis nudged him away from us and spoke to him about all the things that men needed to know. “Where are you going? Shouldn’t we know about generators and chopping wood, etc? What if you’re not here and the power goes out,” I asked. “You said from A to Z.”

“Fine… but I think Charlene should take a break. Let me show everybody the bedrooms first.”

That’s what happened the first day we arrived at our new home. Louis gave us a guided tour of the house and designated all rooms with keys.

“Where do you sleep?” I asked, scanning my room.

He took my hand and led me up a spiral staircase. There was a third loft room. It was windowed all around and had a panoramic view of all the mountains, valleys, and green woods. His dressing room and bathroom were downstairs and didn’t spoil the atmosphere up there. The room was empty, with just a bed on the floor, stacked on pallets with white bedding and a lot of cushions. My mind jumped to Louis and me having sex in there for the first time and how romantic it would be; darkness and only moonlight beaming in through the glass. Him on top of—I paused… My eyes widened at my own stupidity… When was I going to remember that he was in my head?

Louis sat down on the mattress; I landed on his chest, and our mouths collided. He rolled me under him and lay down next to me, staring into my eyes. I waited. “What’s going to happen with us?” Louis asked softly. His hands roamed my body.

“What do you mean?”

“Can I make it official now that we’re here?”

“Official? In what sense?” He took out a little box from an inside jacket pocket. I sat up, nervous, “Is that what I think it is?”

He came closer, pressing his lips onto mine. He pulled away and stroked my hair, “No, it isn’t that. Don’t be afraid. For you to want me to cover his mark on you… I will not force you.”

I breathed out the breath I was holding, “Is that really the only way?”

“He will still be there. I will just also have a claim on you. No more living in fear.”

“I hate this. Why, no matter what race you are… It boils down to woman and men?”

I grabbed the box and didn't hesitate to open it. It was the same box with the yellow felt inside. I lifted the soft fabric; another plate waited patiently inside but hung on a different kind of chain. I picked it up and turned it to see the inscription.

“It’s official,” I read and chuckled. “That’s really cute. Thank you, Baby… Does this mean you’re my boyfriend?” I put the new chain over my head, adding it to the one I already wore. It hung a little shorter than the first one; together, it was beautiful.

He climbed on top of me, our faces inches apart. He lowered his lips to mine for a few seconds. His fingers ran through my hair; Louis was thinking. Mine climbed up under his shirt, feeling every part of him. He paused, “What are you doing?”

“You’re not answering me… So, I’m treating you like I would a one-night stand.”

“Fi…ancé?” He bit his lip, holding my gaze. I nodded excitedly. I melded our lips again, and my hands roamed even further.

“What are you doing?” He asked again.

“What do you mean? You’re my fiancé. I can touch you wherever, whenever I want,” I laughed. My hands kept straying all over his chest and back and lastly to his ass.

He groaned, “This isn’t fair….” he whispered. His hands didn’t do the same… “You want to make it really official? Your father keeps asking me.”

“Why? What has that got to do with anything… Marcus didn’t even know I slept with Chris. I thought he was going to smell it or something and kill me.”

“Yeah… that was weird. Maybe it’s because of what Chris is? He knew immediately we hadn’t done it either… I think the vamps take it really seriously that no one cheats.” I pondered his words. “Consummation must mean something? Or does it really not mean anything to you?” he asked, tracing my face with a finger.

“Well, it doesn’t mean the same to you. You’ve been with so many women, Louis… And I don’t want our first time to be like this… I would like to take it a bit slower if you don’t mind?”

He minded and jumped me, kissing me hard. He didn’t stop, and I didn’t stop him. “I don’t make you as crazy as you are with Chris,” I breathed heavily as he lifted his mouth from mine, kissing my neck and ears.

“What do you mean. Do you not hear my thoughts right now? The first thing I thought about when we stepped into the room was you.”

“You think you’ll always love both of us?”

“What if Marcus joins us?”

Louis choked and coughed, turned to lie down on his back, dropping me like a hot potato, “I don’t know what to say to that.”

I laughed lightly and was glad Louis was also a little jealous, “I would love for him to also come… But I need you to be able to handle him if he starts beating me,” I pressed my lips together to suppress my laughter.

Louis got up and paced the room.

“I thought you’re not going to ask anymore or take me into consideration? That was a few days ago. You’re back to being really careful around me.” I said, seeing that Louis had not thought I was funny.

He turned to me. I stopped him with an outstretched hand, “I might not want to have sex right now… Because I’m tired. Charlene and Carl are waiting and...”

“And?” He asked.

“I also want this to be different… Like you said… this should mean something! Where is all of this coming from anyways? You change your mind already?”

He left the room, irritated. Just like that—not answering. I shook my head in confusion, spacing out into nothingness.

“Let’s go feed your human,” he said, walking down the steps.

“Our humans!” I yelled.

I was exhausted. I needed two weeks to calm down and even out. I fell back onto the mattress. And… “I miss you, Chris… I hope you’re okay.”

My curiosity got the better of me. I checked Louis’s phone for Chris’s cell phone number. For the first time, I scanned over the digits, wondering when Louis got the chance to take his number. Chris had been online not long ago. But I wouldn’t do anything first again. I was tired of running after him.

I went into the recording app and pressed the button: “Hi… You crossed my mind, and I took it as a sign that I should call and say… Hi. I hope you don’t think I’ve lost my mind or that I’m crazy… No need to reply. I just miss you… I know you don’t know how you feel about me. And bugging you like this isn’t helping, but… No! No buts. If we die today or something bad happens… I want you to know that… I love you. And that you are not alone. If you don’t know what to do. Just don’t do anything, okay! Don’t write any more letters and make things so—final. This message is getting too long, but the idea of you at the other side… I don’t want this to end.”

I wanted to cry. I wanted to send it. I didn’t have the guts. And I didn’t have a journal. I wanted it out of my system; moving on was the only way.

***

Louis

When I told Sita I wasn’t against Polyandry, I did it to cover for Juliet. I didn’t want it to seem like Juliet didn’t know what she wanted. Hearing her actually think the same was… strange and shocking, but not in a disgusting way because I couldn’t blame her. I walked into her life and thought— I couldn’t help the thoughts that rambled through me: Why was I not enough? Did she come to France to run away and not for me? A mixture of hurt and pain clutched at my heart. Will I be able to share her? Watch other men touch her… How will Marcus take that? He would never! Juliet couldn’t even think about him a week ago. Now, she suddenly had all these memories of him flooding her mind. I doubted for the first time: in myself, Juliet, and my future with her. With my ability, I thought I knew her. Does she even understand what’s going on? She missed Chris, but when she was with me… she was really with me. Juliet took note of small things I did or said, filing it away to make me happy. Remembered the few times I touched her or when our lips met and would have all the feelings to go along with the memories. She thought about our future and past things we would need to talk about.

I didn’t understand what was going on, so I didn’t go down the stairs all the way. I waited and heard her leave Chris the message. I was too old to be jealous of her feelings for him and what they had been through. I knew she didn’t send it and that it would be on my phone. The question was what I would do with all that trust. She was ready to take the next steps with me, and she wanted it to happen naturally. It sounded good to me. I kept waiting until she stood up and slowly came down the stairs, “Can I sleep with you tonight? You probably see all the stars in the whole sky when the lights go out.”

“No! You cannot sneak in here, Juliet. I cannot guarantee what I will do when I am sleepy, and I’ve been dreaming of you.”

She pouted like she always did, moving her lips to one side of her mouth—I found it endearing. “Okay. Fine,” She said, stomping down the rest of the stairs.

***

Juliet

A few days later, almost all the secrets came out in front of the fireplace. Everyone had still been very quiet that week, processing, I supposed, or taking it easy. We had a million things to talk about and discuss. To me, it felt like everything was hanging in the air. “What do you guys say about starting to deal with things? We have been resting and getting over the jetlag… But we haven’t been talking,” I said. “The last time I saw you two were at Chris’s house. Shouldn’t we start discussing something?” Everyone was staring into the fire like they didn’t want to answer. Even Louis was a million miles away, not focusing on me at all. Since our weird talk up in his room, he’d been avoiding me. Our 180 had gone back to Louis not sharing, opening up… I groaned; I really didn’t want a guy I had beg to let me in. He wasn’t even hosting us in any way; during the day, he was quiet, at night, he went to bed early. Louis was somber again, and it was freaking me out. “I could always ask Louis to read your minds so that I know exactly what’s going on.”

I waited… knowing it would sink in eventually. Carl looked up first, “Cool.” Louis bobbed his head.

“What the hell was that?! Is that all?! Come on, you guys! You’re really boring right now. If things don’t lighten up, I am going to—”

“Get a drink!” They all mocked at the same time. They all burst out laughing. I blushed a little, feeling like the odd one out at that moment. I pouted and gave them all my death stare. They just kept laughing.

I disappeared right in front of my lame-ass friends, who were laughing at me. Carl jumped up. Charlene’s mouth hung open. I reappeared behind them, “Boo! Yeah, not so funny now.” I disappeared again.

"Wow Juliet. That’s so cool!” Carl exclaimed. “Can I touch you?”

I came back, said, “No!” and disappeared again.

“This is some next-level stuff. Creatures are already scary, but you have abilities too! What about us poor humans?” Charlene commented.

“Charlene,” I said behind her. It scared the crap out of her. A throw pillow came flying at my face. I glanced at Louis to see what he thought about everything. He was busy thinking, or rather, nervously twirling his phone in his hand… Louis had been staring at it for two days. [ Louis. Earth to Louis. Hello! ] I kept calling him in my thoughts. He smiled eventually, “Stop that.”

I replied by thinking the rest. [ If you don’t talk to me. I’m taking these chains as fake? Fiancé, my ass! ]

His eyes came up quickly, and at last, he made contact with me, “Hi,” I said.

Louis was guilt-ridden. I understood; two hundred years without anyone to consider was tough… having to deal with me… was self-sacrifice. He laughed. The phone abruptly stopped moving… Louis did something on it, got up, and walked towards me, “Okay! Polyandry it is.”

I blinked a couple of times… “So this was all because of what I said about Marcus? I was kidding, Louis.”

“Oh, Baby… the one thing about my ability is that I know you better than you know yourself.”

My thoughts ran to Marcus actually coming there, wanting to touch me. I clamped up—like a vice grip… Blocked him out. “No! There is no way!”

Louis lifted his hands in surrender and pulled me into his arms, “What about Chris? What if he comes… will you choose?” Louis asked.

The thought of having to choose made my stomach drop out from under me. My heart was instantly bereft, and I felt robbed of—something. I pulled Louis closer and grabbed desperately onto him, knowing he was probably right. All the implications from that spiraled manically through me.

***

Louis

“Okay… let’s get through all the secrets first. We can revisit this another time.” I pulled her off me only to kiss her. Juliet’s eyes closed, and her lips parted as I comforted her. She forgot about everything and wanted me to take her up the stairs. Carl and Charlene were intrigued by whatever happened and had a million things to say but kept quiet.

“There are so many things that I don’t know. Come on, spill,” Juliet said after pulling away from me just before I would’ve marked my territory.

She wanted me to explain whatever Carl was… I didn’t want to interfere, so I kept quiet. Secrets were going to come out: the biggest one was... who was I kidding? There was a lot all around? Juliet’s parents said she didn’t know anything. Which truth would be the biggest for her? When I saw them at the coffee shop, I had hoped to be a part of her life. Her in my house, with Carl and Charlene was beyond expectations. All the boundaries were down between us, and I was scared and a little nervous about pushing her away or that she would find out about something she wouldn't be able to get over.

***

Chris

Like after seeing Sita’s signature on a piece of paper and feeling free… Me having eaten was a hundred times more liberating. I felt content for the first time in my life… I had been holding on so long and fast to moral values… Ideas I had structured my life around—stupid Chris!

What I did do was wash out my mouth and brush my teeth. That hooker kissing me was too much for me. Scrutinized myself in the mirror, I vigorously scrubbed Ashleigh off me. It had been days, but I could still taste her tongue in my mouth.

Would I tell Juliet about it one day?

It was scary how my newfound animal drive made my thoughts more transparent, more primal… I wanted Juliet passionately, fiercely, and sometimes bitterly.

Everything from that night with Ashleigh was as clear as day. Even being that drunk and drugged didn’t matter. I also remember every vision, and seeing Juliet like that drove me mad—hungry for her. I’ve never felt like that or dreamt like that. I guess I couldn’t blame Juliet for wanting to jump Louis anymore before a feeding. I got in a cold shower to cool off and wake up properly. Slowly, I was going to come into my own. I hoped every time I manifested or ate, it would be that liberating. I wasn’t in control because of the drugs she gave me and at Juliet’s house because of jealousy… Next time, I would be. Everyone can be glad that I’m laid back… I wasn’t violent or raging out of control. Just normal, Chris.

If that month was over and everyone knew what happened on the 26th, every other detail would fall into place. Then, I could decide what the hell I was going to do with my life. Nicholas told me… very nonchalantly that I would probably live for more than nine hundred years. I couldn’t figure out what to do for the rest of the day, let alone go back to studying or getting married again. I didn’t know what Juliet was doing. She was with Louis, and if I was late and their relationship was in any way official… I would have no one to blame but myself. Will I try and fight for her? Louis couldn’t upset me either… He was one of the things that couldn’t be a trigger. I had to be able to control myself completely before standing in front of him. My phone got a message. I turned towards the sound. I had laid it on the counter behind me. Louis’s name popped up… It was a voice message.