This Is Where I Want To Be

14. The Drive Home

Chris

Even though it felt like the drive home was a disaster, it was the best time I’d had in weeks, well, since the last time Juliet was in front of me. Excited, I waited for the others to leave. A silence fell as the last door slammed. I glanced in the mirror again. Juliet was biting the inside of her cheek. It wasn’t awkward for me; I had gotten what I wanted—to be somewhere alone with her. Juliet and I were alone. I gathered I was going to have to take her home. I put the car in gear and quickly drove off, not wanting her to change her mind and jump out. I would’ve done anything to sit with her for five more minutes, “Where do you live?” I asked.

“Shoot, I forgot to say. I live on the other side of the bridge.”

I nodded, “So, we would have to turn around, or I can keep going? But it will take us just a little longer… What do you prefer?”

I didn’t do it to put her on the spot. I could see she was uncomfortable. She couldn’t look at me… Juliet was either staring out the window or rubbing her hands on the seat, and although I wanted to spend time with her, it didn’t mean she wanted the same thing. I wished she would relax around me. I didn’t know if that would ever happen? She didn’t answer me… I was driving slowly forward, giving her time to think or respond. She said nothing. Should I have stopped the car? Take her hand and make her look at me. Would she disappear again if I touched her?

***

Juliet

Did he just ask me if I wanted to spend time with him? Was he fishing? I wanted to—so much. I couldn’t be sure that it meant anything, but I was hoping. Of course, I didn’t want him to turn the car around. It would mean that our trip would be twenty minutes shorter. I didn’t want to go home. I wanted to ask him if we could drive around for a bit. I was taking too long to answer. Say something, Juliet, “It’s fine. We can keep going.” I watched for a reaction in the part of his face I could see. The car was already moving… I have to say he was being really cool about everything.

Chris being the one who picked us up, had been the worst. Compared to last week’s night of terror, that night seemed to be running neck and neck. I laughed at myself because it really wasn’t; I was being stupid. He was an obsession. One, I was used to being around but without the talking. It had always been me with him… I chuckled… Chris was never in the equation. Even though I fantasized about him, I didn’t know him or how he would be when we were alone. The thought suddenly dawned on me that we were—and I was excited.

Nevertheless, I’d never been that uncomfortable in all my life. What about him put me on edge and made me act like that? I wasn’t used to being a naïve little girl. I was just in a club dancing around a lot of older guys. Grinding up to strange men, I couldn’t care less. Being alone in the car with Chris… I couldn’t even put two words together. Formulate a thought. I could feel his eyes on me, staring at me in the rear-view mirror, like he had been doing for the last half hour, so I moved in behind him. Scooted to Mandy’s old seat so he couldn’t see the giant smile on my mouth. And hiding behind him meant I could ease up a little, sit back, and try to breathe, or else I was going to think myself to death. I had sobered up from all the stress. It wasn’t helping. I had to force myself to relax, but that didn’t mean I would start any kind of conversation.

“Don’t you rather want to come and sit in the front with me? It really feels like I’m an Uber.”

My heart thought of me next to him and pounded a few times... Did I leave him uncomfortable, or did I make myself uncomfortable? No, there was no way I was getting out of the car in that skirt, all eager like a schoolgirl. “I would rather stay in the back if that’s okay, Mr. Rheed?” I was glad I couldn’t see his reaction.

“It seems your parents wouldn’t like it if you showed up at Charlene’s house?” He said after a while.

Was he making chit-chat? I hated chit-chat… It meant I would have to lie to him. Should I be lying to him? I lied so much that I didn’t know who I should tell what to... “No, after the accident last week…. They have been a little protective.”

“Are you an only child?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, that explains it. And you’re a daughter. So, I think it changes the dynamics a little.”

“Maybe.”

“Are they just protective or conservative?”

Argh! I was so frustrated that I couldn’t speak to Chris. Did I have anything else to say other than monosyllable answers? He knew nothing of my life. Who I was or what I did most days. I did not expect myself to be that shy in his presence. I could be myself with Louis; I didn’t need to lie to him. He told me to be myself around him. I had utterly forgotten that Chris had asked me a stupid question… My mind was so preoccupied with Chris that I couldn’t… talk to Chris… I chuckled, rubbing my hands over my face and through my hair. I knew I was going to blow up some or other time; that week’s feeding was postponed because I wanted to stretch myself to only eat twice a month—it was making me edgy, maybe not a good idea with everything going on.

“What’s wrong?” My head jerked up with his voice so close. He had stopped the car and was looking at me around the seat. He had pulled his leg under him so he could talk to me. I froze, and for the second time, our eyes met. Mine darted away, “Are you okay? You’re not going to disappear again?”

I snorted at myself, not at him. I had forgotten that he actually saw me disappear, “If only… that would make this less embarrassing,” I whispered. Disappearing was my answer to everything, “No, I wouldn’t do that to you again.”

“So, it wasn’t my fault,” I gave a small burst of laughter, “Because I touched you. You asked me why I touched you.”

My smile dropped. I felt bad… Chris was human and concerned about me. He had been worrying that he had done something wrong. I shook my head slightly, wondering if I should tell him it was his fault, that my skin was so aware of his touch that I couldn’t control myself. Although I had tried and was just as surprised as him, “That’s not what I meant, and I’m sorry… I didn’t want to offend you.”

He stared intently at me, considering my words. The concern he had a minute ago drained from his eyes as my words sunk in. They grasped onto the awareness we had about each other and became desperate like Louis’s when he wanted to kiss me. Did Chris want to kiss me? I scoffed at myself. He probably thought I was a freak, “What?” He asked.

“Nothing.”

He turned back in his seat and drove on. I still had a stupid smile on my face looking out the window—not another soul on the road, “Mr. Rheed… thanks for picking us up.”

He was quiet for another moment, “Can we please let the formalities drop? I think if you call me Mr. Rheed one more time, I’m going to scream.”

“But that is who you are. Well… to me… a teacher… Mr. Rheed,” I lied. I bit my lip out of frustration. Why did I keep pushing him away? Oh yeah. He’s human, and I eat humans.

He parked the car, and that time, he moved around until he sat down on the middle cubby so he could see me properly, “My name is Chris.”

My eyes traveled from his to peer, aimlessly out the window again, “I know…” I whispered softly. I could hear him stop breathing every time I said something. If only I had mind-reading capabilities, “Should I call you, sir? Or teacher? Would that not solve all our problems?”

***

Chris

I was about two seconds away from opening my door and dragging her out of the car… What would I do with her? Would I kiss her like I wanted to? “Solve… all… our problems?” I asked skeptically. Every time she opened up to me, every time she had the guts to look at me, it made my heart squeeze in a good way. I would stop breathing to keep myself from doing something idiotic, but the only thing left was staring at her. She smiled, and she disappeared again, “Juliet!” I leaned over quickly without thinking… to feel if she would be there… I touched her instantly. My hand landed on her shoulder… I could feel soft skin. Slowly, my fingers made their way over the crevice of her collarbone and neck… until I touched her cheek. Just before I wanted to curl my fingers in the nape of her neck, I pulled away, “Can you come back?” I asked, trying to still my ragged breaths.

She did. Our eyes met for the fourth time that night—I had kept count… I always wanted her eyes on me, like they were at school. “I… can go back and forth as many times as I want. Whenever I want,” her voice hitched. All I saw was the quivering desire in her eyes, begging me to make the first move. Matched with my throbbing blood… I was losing control. Not because I was thinking about her ability and what that actually meant but because of how I felt about her. The temptation was becoming too much for me to manage. All the resolutions I had set in place seemed to disappear whenever she was close. A heaviness clouded my mind. One I couldn’t rid myself of. A disappointment because I couldn’t see us going anywhere. I wanted to be interested in her ability. Still… it took all my effort to forget that I had allowed myself that moment of weakness. I had actually touched her, caressed her, and felt the smooth skin under my hand. She had not pulled away, looked away, and for the first time, was who I had been staring at for months. Stupefied, I dared to search hers, wrestling with myself.

“What’s wrong, sir? Do you think I’m weird?” My head dropped, and I slowly shook it from side to side. Should I have told her what I was really thinking? How sweet she was… How I had to fight every day with that need I had. Every time she blushed, it drove me nearly mad! The attraction had become much more. “If we keep stopping like this… I might never get home. My parents might even be there before me.”

She was talking, but I wasn’t listening. I really didn’t want to hurt her. I thought about the line. The line I said I wouldn’t cross—not with a student. And NOT with a seventeen-year-old girl! It was all I had to think about to get myself in hand. I slid into my seat and drove on, determined it was the last time I would stop the car. Whenever I wanted to bridge the gap, she firmly kept that wall between us in place, “I’m sorry I went off like that earlier,” I said, just to think about something else.

“It’s understandable for someone of sir’s age and position towards us.”

I pressed the brake, irritated, and stopped the car again. She laughed, bending over and putting her head in her hands, “I’m glad you find me funny… Believe me… I just promised myself I wouldn’t stop again, but it’s very distracting talking like this, and you didn’t want to come and sit next to me.”

I turned around again so I could see her. With her head in her hands, my gaze had the opportunity to travel to the rest of her. I looked at her skirt and the length of it—it barely covered her thighs. I realized why she didn’t want to come to sit next to me. She was already shy… I shook myself... “Okay… This ‘sir’ thing is also not going to work for me. Call me by my name… please… Can we at least agree that we’re… friends?” She sighed and sat up, shrugged, and nodded, “You’re very mature for your age. Not like the other girls in your grade.”

“I suppose I grew up differently.”

That statement made me think and made me want to ask a million questions, “You’re very direct. And it seems like you speak your mind.”

“I try… I hate it when people don’t do what they say or say what they mean… I know I lie a lot… But I have to. I hate that, though,” I dropped my head. She seemed a little lost that night… Was it the alcohol? For someone her age to go out drinking and dancing at a club seemed like she was looking for an escape. Argh, who was I to talk… I ran away… I had sports and hobbies. My study. Maybe it was me? It was the first time we were talking, really talking, after months and months of staring at each other. It was like we knew each other, but actually, having to speak felt strange. She felt it, too, “Or when people say something, but it takes them an hour to get to the point.”

“Don’t all people do that… What you just said? Isn’t it normal?”

“I hate normal. Maybe because—” She didn’t finish her sentence. Still staring out the window.

I finished it for her, “You’re not normal?”

“You’ll… have to go a little bit further than that…”

I paused, thinking. She said… ‘She wasn’t normal….’ I had thought ability… supernatural power… but what she meant was… It was hard to swallow. She wasn’t human? I took in a deep breath, and my heart beat faster… I didn’t want to directly ask her what she was.

“Why do you hold your breath every time I say something. Or other times, your heart speeds up? Are you scared of me?”

I wasn’t going to tell her that it was a grown-up thing to have to control your emotions. I couldn’t just act on every thought that came into my mind. Having been dead for three years… and having someone so honest… so interested in me… made me want to do things that wouldn’t be right. That what she wanted from people… would build real connections. If my wife was that direct with me as she was… said what she meant, we might not be in the mess we were in. I wasn’t divorced yet. Sita didn’t want to talk about it. The whole thing wasn’t what I was expecting. A nervousness came over me every time I thought about Sita, that she might actually want to make our relationship work after all.

***

Juliet

He didn’t answer me… We just sat there. Chris had gone somewhere. I could feel it when I tried to put up a barrier… I knew I was doing it… deliberately saying things that would put him off. Maybe because he was married. Perhaps because he was human. Probably because I was like a dog chasing a car… And I could feel that right there, Chris was putting up a wall… I didn’t like it. He gazed out in front of him. I took a risk and leaned forward, touching his cheek, “Chris?”

His eyes jumped to mine, his body twitched in response, but he didn’t move—the wall was securely in place. It seemed we were both a little lost that night. Whatever was going on between us had just become tangible. He opened his mouth and closed it again. He turned and slid in his seat, breaking out contact, and kept driving. He drove slowly but was quiet for the rest of the ride home.

Before I registered, we were turning into my street. For me, the trip was over too quickly. Regrets surfaced. I knew I talked a big game but had fallen flat on my face. Chris had tried, and I was nowhere. By the time I had relaxed, Chris had closed off.

“That’s my house over there,” he drove past and made a U-turn at the bottom of the street, stopping.

“Should I drop you off in front of your house?”

“No! Here’s fine.”

“I hope everything goes okay with your parents. How will you get in if they’re not here?”

“I have a key,” I took out the dangling bunch from my clutch on my lap. I opened the door, putting one foot on the ground, “Thanks for stopping. Thanks for bringing me home.” I put down my other foot and stood up, closing the door slowly and looking into his window. He was staring out in front of him, hands on the wheel. He didn’t even look at me. Could I blame him? I didn’t want to sit in front with him, giving him so many mixed signals that I would also lose it. The conversation wasn’t bad... It just left so many things hanging.

If I was frustrated with my parents and with Louis… I was almost maddened with Chris and myself for doing the same thing. Why did I even think we were going to be any different. That our relationship would be as easy as the glances we shared. As easy as the attraction we had for each other. No one was open like that... Charlene came to mind. Everyone had secrets. I sighed, knowing he wouldn’t get out of the car to greet me. He wouldn’t be a man and walk me to the door or kiss my cheek. Even so, what did I expect under the circumstances? He was married and probably scared I would make a childish scene with his wife if we got together and things didn’t work out.

I put my jacket on and pulled it tightly across my chest, covering the bare skin of my middle, suddenly feeling very exposed. Chris drove slowly beside me, winding down his window like he would say something. Hope grew inside of me… I wanted him to stop the car and come talk to me. One last time, open up so we could both be at the same place at that exact moment.

“Juliet.” I kept walking. It took him the longest time to say anything. Would he give me something to hold on to? “Sleep well.”

I laughed lightly at the absurdity of the statement. Did he have any idea what the hell just happened? “You know what, Chris! You have a good night, too. Good luck with that.” Fed up with treating him like an adult… when he clearly had less common sense than an eighteen-year-old girl. I turned to walk over our yard towards the front door. He didn’t drive off immediately. He was watching till I disappeared through the walkway.

The courtyard that led up to the front door was secluded. The kitchen light was on and lit up the dark area. Large plants were growing underneath the window from a built-in flower bed. A hand roughly grabbed my arm and yanked me around.