There is no Epic Loot here, Only Puns.

Beta was fighting an unwinnable fight. Everything about Delta seemed able to defeat her. Her adaptive powers, her variety of attacks, and more. Beta felt it would be like her taking on a magic weapon that only had so many limited forms. In a dark moment of humor, Beta supposed it was almost like a game.

Dungeon beat monster, monster beat hero, hero beat magic sword, magic sword beat Dungeon.

Or was it the monster that beat the magic sword?

Beta laid at the bottom of the central pillar, watching as every second, the spongy mushroom flesh adapted, evolved , became redundant, and evolved again in a cycle that made it god-like one moment and pitifully weak the next.

The pillar wasn't trying to stop Beta but its very nature made it dangerous to traverse. Stairs became doorways, walls opened to experimental rooms, and things sometimes emerged from the wall half-formed.

Grimacing, she turned to the system she had been doing everything she could to ignore and began to actually look at what it offered.

Beta hadn't forgiven the siblings, would never forgive them, but her own grudge could wait until this was settled. They did free her from that parasite so it was like a peace offering that Beta was only going to take as far as needed.

The menu only had three main features along with a point counter.

Core Upgrades

Monster form upgrades.

Mutations.

Monster Points: 468 million.

Beta guessed she had been busy over the years.

She tapped core upgrades and found that the system worked in a manner that she was given three options to pick from and once Beta picked one option, the other two would vanish and might come back the next time she picked upgrade.

Her first selection made her glare.

It's less painful to transform parts of your body!

Insect monsters are 2% easier to absorb.

Able to eat slightly unpleasant food more easily.

Beta could transform her whole body with no pain, she could slurp up insect monsters in seconds, and she ate raw witches at one point.

What the hell was this?!

Beta picked the first one and saw the next upgrade cost had gone from 1 monster point to 2 monster points.

She didn't feel any difference which she chalked up to being too badass on her own power.

The next three options came.

Improved coordination when using two monster parts at the same time.

Able to store up to four different monster blueprints!

Improved tracking.

Beta blinked.

Four blueprints? Beta had hundreds of monsters inside her body ready to go. She remembered suddenly that she had been eating and it felt like she was constantly on the verge of throwing up but something, tree branches and vines, forced her to keep eating until that wall broke under her constant consumption.

It hurt terribly.

She picked the additional blueprint, just to spite the parasite. Oddly, this one she did feel a difference with. Just for a moment or two, something in her head stopped hurting. Beta hadn't even noticed she was in pain so the sudden lack of it made her jolt.

The next core upgrade now cost her 3 points.

Curiously, she tried the other two options before moving forward. They worked in the same manner that they offered a choice of three upgrades.

Monster Upgrades offered her a strange selection.

All your goblin forms become 2% more perfected. Current Goblin Blueprint bugs: 5345%.

Unlock Silver Salmon form. A lower evolution form of the Silver Shark blueprint you own; this form has increased stealth and reduced stress on the body.

Goblin Shaman form now gains a lightning Ball spell for use.

Disturbed, she picked the first option and noticed something in her cluster of goblin forms shifted, new connections forming as old tattered strands were removed. The vague shapes of her many goblin forms suddenly snapped to a slightly more clear vision and details about them shifted.

Before, when Beta looked at the goblin forms she had it might have read 'Goblin Warrior'.

Now, it was like it had expanded.

Goblin Warrior: Tier 1 Evolution of Common Goblin.

Strength: Hit good.

Magic: No thoughts, empty head.

Speed: Potato.

Monster upgrades went from costing 1 to costing 3. That was something Beta noticed instantly.

The last option made her extremely nervous as she tapped 'Mutations'.

Once again, she was given three options.

Due to owning a Tier 1 Evolution of the Forest Spider (Fanged Forest Spider), you can now produce anti-venom for this species that works on tier 1 and 2 with various results! Constant creation will tire you.

Due to owning the Deep Murk Clam form, you can now slowly purify dirty water for others to drink. Constant creation will tire you.

Due to owning three different types of skeletons, you can now produce and regenerate spare bones for various uses.

"I don't remember eating clams," Beta muttered but she chalked that up to the 'dark' times when she was far gone.

"But why do the mutations benefit people and are helpful? Aren't I a monster?" she asked and to her surprise she got an answer.

The Ultimate Monster is not just a destructive force. It is a challenge for others to meet. Until they come knocking, you aren't a monster, you are a mythical creature. Every action you take spreads and helps remove seeds within people.

Beta just grabbed the water mutation and felt strange as something in the rough location where humans had kidneys suddenly bunched and formed a strange organ.

"I just grew clam bits," she said in surprise. With a thought the organs melted away and when Beta thought of them, they reformed. She guessed that would prevent her from becoming bloated with organs and features.

Collecting the correct list of mutations will create a 'system' in your body and grant a unique feature.

Clam Mutation

???

???

Find the missing two to unlock 'Beta Well'.

Beta stood up slowly and grunted as she dusted herself off.

"There have to be millions of mutations, how the hell am I supposed to find the correct ones?" she asked with a dark tone.

Every unique system has clues that can be found in the natural world. From the highest mountain to the deepest... Dungeon. A well of knowledge can be found in the oddest of places.

Beta just sighed, noting the mutation cost jumped from 1 to 5.

"How do I get more points? I should ask before I forget," she looked around and waited for a response.

Consume. Learn. Use creatively.

Beta pulled a spongy mushroom off the wall and gnashed it between her teeth as if to sarcastically agree. The thing stung her throat and made tears spring to her eyes. It was vile and she coughed a few times.

Hellish Gutrot consumed! 5 points gained.

Congratulations! This is the third most toxic thing you have ever consumed. Would you like to open your World Record Tab?

"My what?!" Beta said around violent coughs.

Instead of an answer, a new window opened with ten lists.

Top 3 consumed tab.

Evolved:

3rd: Ice Wyrm(Tier 6). 2nd: Spatial Goat(Tier 8). 1st: "£$"!!@$£"£(Tier Undefined). Redeem records? Total points gain: 5000.

Rarest:

3rd: A Golden Horned RabbitLess than 4000 in the world). 2nd: A Three-Eyed Fish of Corruption (Less than 500 in the world). 1st: A Pure-Hearted Lawyer (less than 5 in the world). Redeem records: Total points gain: 3000

The list went on to list the most violent, the most magical, the most toxic, and more.

All in all, Beta could get 200,000 points there and then.

It was like a reward for exploring and eating new things like an open-minded tourist but with more teeth.

"Are there any... other systems I should be aware of?" Beta said with gritted teeth as she tried not to curse the tree aloud.

Fixed Clone production is unlockable for 1 million Monster Points.

"Like evil clones?" Beta asked, suddenly interested.

The Tiamat System will allow you to produce monsters that you have consumed with all upgrades you have unlocked. Currently, if unlocked, you can make one clone. Every additional million spent will unlock another clone. Each clone is independent but is 'you'. They will not betray you because you all share one mind but the clones may develop quirks that display themselves differently.

"So... I should upgrade myself first then make the clones because they'll be more reliable?" Beta mused as she eyed the space. She left the mushroom tower to find a Dark Drake watching calmly from a distance.

"Are there things in hell that I can fight and eat? I'm asking for a friend that also happens to be me because I don't have friends," Beta asked the duck seriously.

She had points but she had a feeling that testing them out as she got them would be a smart decision.

The duck looked highly amused. It gestured to the entire land where the weird red sunlight touched.

It might as well have said 'buffet that way'. Beta nodded and focused, producing fresh water from somewhere inside her and letting it drip over the duck.

"I give you my fucks, may you use it to grow some of your own," she said and walked off as the duck shook itself. With what she felt, the tower had less than an hour before it hit critical levels.

Beta only needed 30 minutes to get good.

---

"Listen, I've heard this story a dozen times. It's not going to help."

The girl stopped in the middle of the path with a long dark expression.

"They took everything from me. I won't stop until every last one of them is dead," she said, her long dark hair obscuring her face slightly.

"And you swore to help me," she reminded. The blade emerging from a strange religious cross handguard made a scoffing noise.

"Nah nah, I 'offered' to help you deal with one particular vampire who we agreed on. Don't put words in my mouth, I really don't like it," the sword warned and the girl scoffed.

"I pulled you from that swamp! You owe me your help!" she said with frustration and stabbed the sword into the ground as she began to pace.

Gamma let out an internal sigh.

It was always 'me me me' with people.

"And I am giving you help, but that doesn't mean I'll devote my life to your endless crusades against vampires, which is a little racist, I'mma be blunt," Gamma said flippantly.

The girl shot him an ugly look.

"What life does a sword have if it's not to kill things?" she asked and Gamma could have screamed at her, raged about his injustices, or even called her a parasite of her own type, but Gamma didn't do that.

He was rather used to being treated as a thing and not a person.

Besides, Esma was hurting and Gamma enjoyed being a terror, but he knew what it was like to feel powerless and angry. He wondered if he pointed out that he had saved her from a dozen swamp snakes, two goblins, and a couple of bandits that he had already paid her debt a dozen times over.

No, that was rational and people hated being rational!

Gamma shifted his form until he looked like a kitchen knife with a chef's hat.

"Mademoiselle, let moi cut to the chase and serve up some desserts," he said in a horrible accent.

He dropped it the next second.

"You're hunting a vampire that you don't know the name of, the location of, the destination of, or even the social security number of. Any other cutting knife would have split by now," he said gently and Esma looked down at the ground, biting her lip like it was going to run away.

Gamma shifted to a spear so she could better lean against the tree Esma was also leaning on. Spear just felt more feminine to Gamma. Perhaps it was the phrase 'beat them off with a stick' that cemented the idea.

"You got to pace yourself or you'll be doing the vampire's job for him and dying before you even get started. Trust me," Gamma said and turned into a wind-up crossbow.

"It's better to carefully take a shot than-" he shifted to a mechanical cross bolt with a machine-gun-like barrel that began shooting arrows with barely any force.

"-prematurely go off!" Gamma joked and Esma scoffed and looked away, a smile tugging at her lips.

"I didn't know you could become a ranged weapon," she finally said and Gamma turned into a slingshot with a strangely blue elastic sling.

"Why be one thing when I can be all the things? Fluidity is key," Gamma said proudly then added in a nonchalant voice.

"Besides, you didn't ask," they said casually. Esma hesitated then sat down.

"Okay, tell me about your powers. I guess I needed a break," she admitted and Gamma silently cheered at the win. Uptight wielders were nightmares.

"I am Gamma, the Swiss army knife of weapons," he began as he turned back to a sword.

"What's a swiss?" Esma interrupted with a puzzled expression.

"A type of cheese, but if you ask me, way better rolls," Gamma tried to wink and only managed to make his edge gleam.

"I don't get it," the girl admitted and Gamma sighed.

"Not everyone is an artist, but everyone's a critic!" he joked before clearing his throat as he explained how he could consume different weapons to take them into himself. As he spoke he eyed his menu.

Cutting Edge Technologies:

Core abilities.

Weapon Form abilities.

Weapon Research.

Skill Research.

Weapon Points: 120

Most of it was basic like his core abilities enhanced his basic powers.

Increase your durability to a higher standard

Increase your attack power on blade weapon forms

Improve your magical conductivity.

He needed about 600 points for his next upgrade and Gamma was aiming for that sweet durability. Nothing beats being the unbreakable spoon.

There was winning and then there was Betty Crockering some idiot until they cried or ate cake.

Weapon Form abilities let Gamma learn some neat tricks with specific forms.

Triple Shot unlocked for all bow and arrow weapons(slings included)

Any item turned into a weapon by picking it up off the ground becomes a weapon type that it most closely resembles and gains all passive abilities.

Fans now enrage the foe if used to cool oneself in battle. Effect varies on the level of foe.

Those cost a little more so he needed about 700 for the next one, but Gamma had ended up accidentally becoming a sort of god-slayer when he was in a potato peeler form.

It was for the memes but then it sort of became an addiction he wasn't proud of

Weapon Research took a little while for Gamma to grasp because it didn't come with an option, just a request bar. But once he asked for a type of weapon and input any amount of WP then after some time, one of his weapons would evolve or splinter off into a new weapon type.

He once spent a year waiting on 'Spoon' after he blew over 9000 WP on it. The result was something he couldn't use without great cause.

Spoon of Absolute Tasting: This weapon form comes in the form of a golden spoon. Its ability allows it to bypass all defenses to take a spoon scoop out of the foe once. No defense in this world can block it. The wound will never heal. Once used, this spoon requires 100 battles to pass before it can be used again.

Gamma had gotten more than a few unique tools out of this feature.

Skill research was something Gamma didn't bother with since his time with... 'her'. It allowed Gamma to bestow his wielder with some instant masteries or neat tricks.

A training montage with no cool music.

All wielders have increased strength.

You can sense what weapons would best suit a new wielder.

All your forms come in golden copies.

Gamma didn't like looking at this menu. It would only cost him 40 points to get an upgrade but he didn't trust wielders now.

Only Gamma could look after Gamma.

Suddenly Gamma shivered and he turned in a direction.

"Gam-?" Esma asked and Gamma shushed her.

"Don't say my name aloud. Call me Sword for now," he said oddly as he felt pieces of old selves flowing back to him.

"Sword, what's wrong?" Esma asked with concern.

Gamma was too busy looking at another screen.

Given Forms:

Jolin Javen Japes: 100>85

NAMEREDACTED Golden Queen: 20

Mr Happy: 3

The Dark-

What on earth?

What was that weirdo doing now with his sloppy seconds?

Japes... Japes...

An image of a coyly smiling man with a shadowed face, as he took Gamma from the 'prison' to the bank of Verluan, was vivid in his mind.

That Fairplay guy?

It had been years since he thought of that guy. A hundred given forms for his freedom had been the sweetest deal Gamma had ever made.

That prison was the worst thing he had ever known. It... drained his WP and 'she' kept Gamma in a glass box that prevented anything from touching him.

A prison where he couldn't sleep and he was in the darkness nearly every day until she came to visit him. He pleaded for his freedom but she was sure that it had to be that way. Gamma could cause too many 'unworthy' people to come into power.

'She' wouldn't let her kingdom, her children, be threatened by such a thing. Gamma was pretty sure he also went a little crazy in that box and it still affected him to this day.

She was a good reason why he never ever allowed a Silence member to wield him since that day.

She ruined the whole group for Gamma.

"I just got some old pieces back, but one of them..."

Gamma stared at the bottom of the list of loaned weapons.

344: Delta: Piece unrecoverable. It will now produce Gamma Rays

That was a horrible joke.

It was so bad it soaked into Gamma's soul-

---

"Gemma! You're so radiant today you must be a gem!"

"I am going to hang myself now."

"No, wait, come back! You're coal! Dirt!"

---

"Uh, sword... you just turned into a ruler. Are you okay?" Esma asked slowly. Gamma took a slow intake of breath

"Esma, I'm going to unlock 10% of my power for you so we can find your dog's killer today-"

"He killed my parents, but carry on,"

"-and you're going to do me a solid and head that way!" Gamma gestured with a nudge of his blade to the west.

"What's 10% of your power?" the girl asked as she picked the sword up. Gamma focused and his form shifted to a massive broadsword made of a swirling silver liquid adorned with emeralds that flowed over the girl's body, making similar armour which exploded with two massive wings of metal that seemed to move on their own.

"Valkyrie Armor mode: Light magic unlocked. Divine aura unlocked. Pine-scented air fresheners added!" Gamma roared.

"You can give me wings?! Why did you make me walk everywhere?" Esma yelled as the wings began to lift them into the air.

"I like seeing humans struggle for my amusement," Gamma added with a shrug to his tone.

It also stopped the more crazy people wielding him from not wanting to let go. It was almost like Gamma acted like an unlikeable piece of crap to stop people getting close...

Nah, he just enjoyed annoying people.

"I don't even know where to go," Esma said as they cleared the treetops.

"Magic light spell: SENSE EVIL!" Gamma commanded and his sword glowed with light.

A few dozen miles in every direction revealed two swamp hags, a shadow stalker, three teens doing some heavy vaping action, some neighbour woman in charge of handing out fines for unkempt lawns or misaligned garbage cans... and aha! One vampire!

No, wait. Two vampires!

"How fast do these things go? Should we stick to the roads?" Esma asked as the sword turned them like a compass. Gamma mentally flicked down a visor.

"Hunny, where we are going? We don't need roads," he said as the wings flapped once, causing a minor boom of air and they were gone.