The World Has Become Kinder to Her

It felt like she’d cried for nearly an hour—tears spilling and spilling, over and over again. Her eyes stung and then burned by the time Lotus finally left Frederick’s bedroom to avoid running into Manores. 

She didn’t want anyone to see her like this. The tears still clung to her eyes, and her slightly swollen eyelids blurred her vision. 

She hadn’t realized love was like a rose. From afar, it looked beautiful, but when you rushed to claim it, the thorns would painfully prick you. 

The tiny sliver of affection she’d managed to scrape together through desperate struggle was neither sweet nor happy. It had only caused pain, not just to her, but to the other person as well.

It had only been a week since her regression, but so much had changed and swept over her like a storm that it felt like seven years had passed. Her heart felt worn out, like it had been whittled down to the size of a bean.

“It’s because of me.”

She knew the source of this stinging pain was herself.

“If only I hadn’t been born, none of this would’ve happened.”

The cause of this wretched agony was herself.

Maybe she really should just die as she had resolved before. Maybe that would break the chains of all this pain and misfortune.

Her gaze fell to the bracelet on her wrist—Frederick’s bracelet.

“Frederick, why did you give me this… making it so I can’t even die easily?”

How much longer did he intend to watch them hurt and wound each other?

Tears welled up and spilled over again, and her steps came to a halt. Her legs gave out, and she sank to the ground.

“How did I stay balanced before? How did I even exist as myself?”

She bit down hard on her lips—so hard that a metallic taste filled her mouth. 

It reminded her of the far stronger stench that had once risen from the River Venuse. 

Suddenly, she felt a chill and wrapped her arms around her shoulders. That’s when she heard a familiar voice.

“Lotus!”

She let her remaining tears fall and looked up. Before her stood someone with red hair and green eyes, just like hers. 

It wasn’t the twelve-year-old Hession she remembered. It was the nineteen-year-old Hession.

“You…”

Hession blinked, unsure what to do as he saw Lotus sitting on the ground, silently crying. 

He bit his lip, and then, like someone cautiously approaching a kitten wary of humans, he slowly came closer. He then scooped her up in his arms.

“Ugh!”

It was something she had never expected. Shocked, Lotus let out a bizarre cry.

They didn’t exchange words. Hession quickly brought her to his private space—his bedroom. He set her down on a chair by a small table and disappeared into the adjoining bathroom. 

Moments later, he returned with a towel dampened with warm water. 

He hesitated, unfamiliar with the situation, but he made an effort to approach her. There was something about his awkward yet earnest attempts that brought fresh tears to her eyes. The soft towel touched her raw, aching eyes.

With utmost care, Hession gently wiped the mess off Lotus’s face. Her face was now clean, but there was nothing he could do about her reddened, swollen eyes. All they could do was wait for time to ease the swelling.

He suddenly wondered if the scars he’d inflicted on Lotus were similar to this. 

No matter how much he tried, he could probably cover up the marks on the surface, but there was a limit to what he could heal. Just like now.

“Who made you cry?”

— I’m curious to hear what more you might say.

The voice of the nineteen-year-old man overlapped with the voice of the twelve-year-old boy.

“Brother.”

Though no one else was around, Lotus called him ‘brother’ for the first time since she was ten.

“How did we end up like this?”

Hession was at a loss for words from her very first question. Indeed, how had they spiraled into this disaster?

“Where did we go wrong? No, why was I even born?”

“……”

“Mother resented me. She blamed me for being born, for getting us kicked out of the Marquisate. If I hadn’t existed, she could have lived a stable life working for the Marquis, saved money, and maybe even opened a small shop in her later years.”

“……”

“Though I resented her, I understood. I was an unplanned existence to her. Still, she didn’t abandon me. Even as she was dying, she tried to find a way for me to survive. That misfortune, however, was brought upon the Marquis of Estelle.”

Despite Hession’s efforts to wipe her tears, fresh ones streamed down Lotus’s cheeks.

“I also understand to some extent how you and Madam must have felt. One day, a vulgar girl suddenly appeared out of nowhere, claiming to be your sister and the daughter of the Marquis. It must have been bewildering. You must have resented me. You must have hated me.”

“Lotus.”

Her words, heavy with guilt and shame she shouldn’t have had to bear, were excruciating to hear.

Yet Hession couldn’t bring himself to interrupt her. He couldn’t evade the self-blame she was hurling at herself, even as it stabbed at him.

“When Giselle asked me why I stayed, knowing I’d never be fully accepted as a daughter, I had no answer. Back then, I didn’t know. But now I think… yes, I think I just wanted to survive. As a helpless ten-year-old girl, I must have instinctively known that leaving this place meant either death or a fate worse than death.”

Would things have been different if she had left back then?

Would Hession and the Marquis’s family be happier? Would Frederick have lived a life free from pain or scars?

Would Kenneth have met a good person, unhindered by shame, and lived a happy life?

“I’m not as attached to life as I once was… I could die now, not out of despair, but for the sake of someone else’s happiness…”

But the weight of the bracelet fixed on her wrist felt like it was crushing her, making both death and life feel unbearable.

“What should I do? You’re older than me, wiser than me, so you must have the answer. Please, tell me…”

Her eyes stung so badly now that even keeping them open was a struggle. As Lotus gave in and closed her eyes, as if surrendering everything, she felt warmth envelop her body.

A sturdy arm wrapped around her back, warm breath grazed her ear and neck, and the steady beat of a heart echoed from the chest pressed against hers.

The comfort she found in this inconsistent warmth felt wrong. So wrong. And yet, she couldn’t bring herself to push it away, and that made her feel sadder still.

If she had experienced warmth like this, just once, back in the past… would she have chosen not to die? Would she not have thrown herself into that cold river, pretending she had no regrets?

Lotus’s frozen fingers trembled as they clung tightly to Hession’s sleeve.

“Lotus.”

“……”

“It wasn’t your fault.”

“……”

“The Marquis was cowardly, the Marchioness narrow-minded, and I was selfish and indifferent.”

“……”

“Stop thinking about other people’s feelings. You’ve done that enough. From now on, think only about yourself, your own heart. It’s okay if you get angry at me. It’s okay if you use me.”

Even if she acted cruelly, even if she behaved selfishly, it didn’t matter. If she could be happy despite the scars she carried, it would be worth it. Hession’s voice trembled as he spoke.

“Don’t die because of your despair.”

“……”

“Don’t die for the sake of someone else’s happiness, either.”

“……”

“You, more than anyone, deserve to live. You deserve to be happy.”

She had likely endured much more pain, swallowing countless tears in solitude, far more than what she had shed in front of him.  

The time she spent battling against unnecessary self-reproach, guilt, and loneliness must have been harsher than any battle she had ever fought.  

“…It’s a selfish thought, but I want to believe it’s not too late.”  

Perhaps that’s why he had such a strange dream. Maybe he was now able to feel and empathize with his sister’s pain, even just a little. Hession wanted to believe that.  

***  

It’s said that when one is overwhelmed with fear, the sound of another person’s heartbeat can have a calming effect.  

Lotus, nestled in Hession’s arms, felt her tears slowly stop as her tangled thoughts began to untangle and settle.  

‘To think I showed him such a vulnerable side of myself!’  

It seemed she had grown too emotional because of Frederick.  

Fortunately, Hession, upon noticing her swollen eyes, excused himself to fetch some ice. Lotus took advantage of his absence to flee back to her own room.  

Fearing that Hession might search the entire mansion for her, she sent Jane to tell him she would be resting in her bedroom.  

“Miss, please apply this to your eyes,” Jane said as she handed her a pouch filled with ice after returning from her errand.  

“Oh, did my brother tell you to bring it?”  

It had been years since she had referred to Hession as ‘brother’ in front of the estate’s staff, even with no outsiders present. Jane replied in a matter-of-fact tone.   

“Yes, but even if he hadn’t, I would’ve brought it myself. Your eyes are in quite a state right now, Miss!”  

Lotus spent some time soothing the pain and swelling in her eyes with the ice.  

After shedding all those tears, she felt a little better physically, but the confusion in her heart hadn’t fully subsided, nor had the negative thoughts completely disappeared. If she stayed still, her mind would only devour her further.  

To distract herself, Lotus picked up one of the books she had borrowed or bought the previous day.  

   *The Power of Belief* sounded like a book about theology based on the title, but it was closer to a collection of stories that showcased various events and situations where “belief” played a powerful role.  

**Chapter 2: On Mana Stones and Gems**  

*Why is it that gems, like mana stones, can be engraved with magic?*     

*It’s widely known that mana stones are formed when natural stones, after existing for long periods in nature, come into contact with something imbued with magic, such as the blood of magical creatures.*  

*Gems are also a type of mineral that has existed for long periods in nature. They are valued for their unique color, texture, and beauty.*  

*And as they pass through many hands, they come to hold the emotions and beliefs of people.*  

*Comparing the similarities and differences between the two, the author arrived at one conclusion: that concentrated emotions and beliefs could generate a power similar to mana.*  

*What’s even more fascinating is that the types of magic that can be inscribed vary depending on the gem.*  

— *Emerald would be best, then. While diamonds are very hard, they don’t pair well with concealment magic.*  

‘Ah, so that’s why Manores said what he did. Belief wielding power…’  

Lotus, who had started reading to stop her racing thoughts, soon found herself deeply absorbed in the book’s content.