Chapter 34
Theodore’s calculated manipulation might be infuriating, but Lotus knew she had no choice but to keep her composure. After purchasing *The Heroic Chronicles of the Continent of Armenia* and *The Power of Faith*, along with a few other books, she and Kenneth left the bookstore.
“If you’d like, we could visit the Imperial Library together. If it’s inconvenient for you to enter, I can arrange to borrow the book on your behalf,” Kenneth offered.
“Would it really be okay for me to enter?” Lotus asked, her wide eyes betraying her surprise. Kenneth found himself struggling to calm his quickening heartbeat.
“Yes, of course.”
“If it wouldn’t trouble you, I’d like to go.”
In her previous life, Lotus had never visited the Imperial Library. Before meeting Theodore, she had longed to visit it, but after he came into her life, she no longer needed to strive for access to any books. Theodore had possessed more books than anyone else in the Empire.
But now, in this subtle battle with Theodore, the Imperial Library—one of the largest repositories of knowledge—seemed like the next best place to explore.
“Oh, but aren’t you on leave right now? Is it alright for you to visit the palace?”
“It’s no trouble,” Kenneth reassured her.
The journey from the bookstore to the palace was long enough that they took a carriage. Upon their arrival, Lotus began to grasp just how famous Kenneth was.
“Attention!”
The palace guards, who had been standing with solemn expressions, immediately snapped to attention as soon as they saw Kenneth, their postures rigid with discipline.
“Sir Zahard, I thought you were on leave,” commented the strict Count Ihas, approaching with a formal greeting.
Without thinking, Lotus instinctively shrank back, positioning herself behind Kenneth. It was an unconscious reaction.
In her past life, Count Ihas’s son had persistently pursued her with proposals of marriage, and when she rejected him, he had attempted suicide. Though he had survived, the cold looks she received from the Count in subsequent social events had filled her with dread.
“I’m busy, so I must excuse myself,” Kenneth replied curtly and passed the Count without hesitation.
Once they were a fair distance away, Lotus whispered softly, “Was that alright?”
“There’s no issue at all.”
“You avoided him quickly—was that because of me?”
“Partly because of you, yes. But I’ve never liked him much, to begin with.”
“That sounds like an excuse.”
“It’s the truth.”
“Either way, I’m sorry, Sir. Seeing Count Ihas made me freeze up. In the past, his son attempted suicide because of me. Ever since, I’ve felt uncomfortable and guilty… While his son’s actions were wrong, as a parent, nearly losing your child must have been devastating.”
Lotus spoke quickly, as if trying to justify her behavior. With her memories from the past life intact, the world around her felt like a minefield. No matter where she went or who she met, she was surrounded by people and places filled with discomfort and painful memories.
Kenneth knew of Ihas’s son. He was aware of the incident she just mentioned, perhaps more than she realized. Ihas’s son had been a member of the Second Knights, and Kenneth had used his indirect influence to have him permanently removed from the knights’ register. Kenneth had justified it by stating that knights who harassed ladies and caused scandal were not needed in the order.
But seeing Lotus’s reaction today made Kenneth realize that his past judgment may have been too lenient. That man had deserved a harsher punishment.
Cold fury simmered within him as he thought of how Lotus, despite not being at fault, was still burdened with fear and guilt. Suddenly, a memory of something Theodore had once said surfaced in Kenneth’s mind:
*“Sir, there are many things that cannot be solved with a righteous heart alone.”*
“Sir?” Lotus’s voice snapped him back to reality. He worked to maintain a neutral expression as he answered her.
“That incident was not your fault, my lady.”
“I know that in my head. But it doesn’t make me feel any better,” Lotus said softly, shaking her head slightly.
Kenneth found himself caught in a whirlpool of confusion. If Frederick or Theodore had been in his position, how would they have acted? Which choice would have truly been in her best interest?
“Please don’t worry about it, Sir. It’s just a ghost of the past now,” Lotus reassured him, noticing his discomfort. She seemed more concerned with his feelings than her own, which made Kenneth feel a deep sense of shame.
“You’re remarkably kind to people, my lady. You have every right to resent the world, yet you don’t.”
“No, there are people I dislike as well. But I try to avoid unnecessary conflicts. Wounds, big or small, are better not exchanged at all, wouldn’t you agree?”
The afternoon sun bathed them in a golden glow, like scattered gold dust. There was a crispness in the air, the faint scent of the approaching winter carried on the breeze. As they walked along the palace paths, where barren trees and evergreens mixed together, Kenneth watched Lotus, her presence harmonizing with the serene surroundings, and he felt something inside him begin to break apart, piece by piece.
The battle against the demon before he returned to this timeline had been brutal, and he’d been left with many regrets. What had gone wrong? He had agonized over it, replaying the moments in his mind countless times but never finding an answer—until now.
Back then, he had hesitated. There had been a fleeting moment of reluctance, the thought of the people around him causing his hand to falter as he swung his sword.
*But does this world even deserve such hesitation?* Kenneth thought bitterly.
In both his previous life and the present one, the world was filled with scum. The perpetrators thrived while the victims suffered and bore their pain in silence. Kenneth’s thoughts drifted to his half-brother and the Marquis of Zahard. Their fortunes had reversed in an instant—one day, he was the rightful heir, and the next, he was reduced to a mere bastard.
He had lost everything and yet had been forced to remain silent, to endure those days. He had told himself to accept it as fate, to run away, to resign and forget. But Theodore’s voice echoed in his mind, mocking him:
*“Why do you make life so difficult when you have the ability to solve it easily?”*
“Sir, you don’t look well. Are you alright?”
Lotus’s voice pulled him back to the present. Her concern, her habit of worrying about others’ well-being even over her own, stirred something dark within Kenneth. A deep, simmering anger began to spread, blackening his heart.
No, he wasn’t alright. He couldn’t accept his unchanged self, the Marquis of Zahard, or this twisted world any longer. His blue eyes darkened, resembling the depths of the ocean.
“…Yes, I’m fine,” he replied, pushing down the turmoil within him, though it felt like something inside was being crushed. He looked directly at Lotus, his gaze now calm, though his eyes reflected the shimmering surface of a stormy sea.
***
After encountering several other nobles, knights, and soldiers—including Count Ihas—Lotus and Kenneth finally arrived at the entrance to the Imperial Library.
As they walked, Lotus observed how Kenneth interacted with others. He was stunningly handsome, a knight sculpted to perfection like an artisan’s masterpiece. But as she watched him, she began to understand why his nickname was the “Knight of Ice.”
When he was with her, even though he rarely smiled, Lotus could feel that he was making an effort to not come across as cold or harsh. His tone and demeanor were careful, almost gentle.
But when he interacted with others, Kenneth was expressionless, his voice stiff and curt, his actions efficient and devoid of unnecessary movement. The people he spoke to didn’t seem to find this strange at all, as if this version of Kenneth was what they were used to.
*Is it just the difference between how he treats men and women? Or…*
Lotus’s thoughts wandered. *Is he putting in the effort just for me?*
Even though she had long stopped believing in love, her heart still fluttered with the sensation of being the focus of someone’s affection. She bit her lip, trying to suppress those feelings. She knew her place, her situation. She wasn’t supposed to have these kinds of desires. And yet, deep down, Lotus was a woman filled with many wants.
As a human, she couldn’t help but be drawn to “specialness,” to wish for it.
*“For a while, I lived without much feeling. But after meeting you, I was shaken. That’s reason enough for me to want to get to know you. Take my hand. You won’t regret it.”*
That was why, in the past, she had been unable to reject Theodore’s devilishly tempting offer. She had spent many hours with him, peering into the dark, twisted depths of his soul, and exposing her own ugly vulnerabilities to him in return.
The allure of being someone’s “one and only” had been too powerful. Even now, after all these years, that connection continued to haunt her, refusing to let go.
*Kenneth, if I continue to see this other side of you…*
Lotus clenched her small hands tightly, as if trying to ground herself and prevent her emotions from spiraling into a trap she feared she wouldn’t escape.
“You’re aware that lending books from the Imperial Library is strictly prohibited…” the head librarian began, clearly uncomfortable with Kenneth’s request.
“That’s precisely why I am asking,” Kenneth interjected calmly. “I will take full responsibility for any damage or loss that occurs.”
The librarian, clearly flustered at seeing the usually rule-abiding Kenneth insist on bending protocol, hesitated. However, it didn’t take long for him to relent. Kenneth wasn’t just anyone—he was highly valued by both the Emperor and the Crown Prince, and his reputation as one of the most promising talents of the younger generation was well known. As long as both the librarian and Kenneth remained discreet, no one would know the books had been borrowed.
Moreover, this could create a minor debt Kenneth would owe the librarian—a convenient arrangement.
Having made up his mind, the librarian, in a gesture of goodwill, permitted Kenneth to borrow *The Emergence of the Gods* along with up to five other books. With this unexpected opportunity, Lotus eagerly scoured the shelves, determined to take full advantage by selecting rare and difficult-to-find titles.
“If I’ve caused you such trouble, Sir, you’re welcome to ask me for another favor,” Lotus said, glancing at Kenneth with a hint of playfulness.
“I won’t decline, my lady. In that case, allow me to accompany you on your next outing,” Kenneth responded smoothly.
“You really are a predator, aren’t you?” Lotus teased.
“Could you elaborate?” Kenneth replied, his faint smile betraying a sense of humor.
“I mean, you seize every opportunity and strike at the right moment.”
“It’s an essential skill in battle,” Kenneth said, his smile growing more defined, which oddly only enhanced his intimidating aura. Despite the smile, it was as if his presence became even more imposing.
Lotus sighed inwardly. *Why are all the men around me so capable and full of such overwhelming force?* Then, as if finding her answer, she thought, *Ah, it’s because of the tangled web of situations I started and from which I can’t escape.*
She knew there was no point in dwelling on it. No matter how much she sighed or rubbed her face, nothing would change. The wisest decision she could make at the moment was to focus on picking the right books.
After carefully browsing through the library’s extensive collection, Lotus selected several books related to the subjects Theodore had recommended, including theology and ancient hero tales. Each book she chose was thick, filled with deep, philosophical ideas and complex, archaic sentences. The librarian, watching her selections, raised an eyebrow in surprise.
“Are you planning to read all of these, my lady?” he asked.
“I’m borrowing them with the hope of finding at least one meaningful sentence,” Lotus responded diplomatically, not wanting to seem too peculiar.
The librarian, reassured by her reasonable response, noted the titles of the books in his ledger before wrapping each in a protective layer of cloth, likely to prevent damage during transport.
“You’ll need to return them within a fortnight at the latest,” he reminded her.
Kenneth, glancing at the books she had chosen, noticed one written in an ancient language and couldn’t help but express his admiration. “I didn’t realize you could read archaic texts.”
“I’m not fluent, but I can manage well enough to read through most books,” Lotus answered modestly.
“That’s quite impressive. In larger military units or mercenary companies, having someone who can decipher ancient texts is critical.”
The continent of Armenia was dotted with dungeons and ancient institutions where the language of the gods and demons was inscribed. These ruins were remnants of a time when divine and demonic forces had direct influence over the world. Without proper understanding of the ancient language, entering such places could lead to disastrous outcomes.