The Simpsons: Bart

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***

- Can you imagine if we were dating twins, Bart?! - Van Houten elbowed me in the shoulder enthusiastically. - Like we'd have one girl for two!

- ...And now you've ruined it. You want me to leave? - I glanced at my mate, pointing in the direction I'd come from.

- No! Please don't! - which made Milhouse grab my leg. - I'm already wearing my father's cologne! And you don't know how precious it is to him, he's kept it for thirty years! I had to dilute it with water, because it had hardened and turned to jelly.

Wait, that smell is Milhouse's?! I thought we were next to the homeless urinal wall!

After somehow throwing my mate off me, swearing several times that I wasn't going anywhere, we continued to wait for the twins. The meeting was in front of a coffee shop, a level more elegant than Krusty's Burger. Milhouse wore a sleeveless T-shirt to show off his muscles, while I wore a shirt and a T-shirt with a skull with a big spider on it. So I looked cool. Otherwise I was kind of nervous, because I hadn't had anyone in two years, not even the prospect of getting a girlfriend loomed on the horizon.

Looking through the shared Instagram of the McLberry twins yesterday, I was convinced that they had grown up nicely. Both are trim with rounded butts. It makes me chide myself for the little put-downs I allowed myself when I was still their classmate. Hopefully they won't be a problem for me today.

- Hey, Bart. - one of the twins, wearing a one-piece dress with yellow and white stripes across it, said hello to me. Both her dress and her smile screamed spring. It was most likely Terry, the one I had a date with

- Peek-a-boo, Bart. Hello, virgin moustache. - Standing next to her was her sister in a black dungaree, a dark pink blouse with a flaming unicorn on it, and burgundy jeans. And judging by her comment towards my best friend, Sherry is the evil twin.

- You like them?! Wow, there's a reason I fertilise them with milk every morning. - mate, please stop, you're making me understand the saying that suicidal people can't be saved.

.....

We started our date by going to a cafe together to talk and pick a film to go to the cinema for. The internet seems to say that going to a cafe and going to the cinema are the worst options for a first date, because in the first case you will be busy with food and in the second case with the film, so it will be harder to leave an impression of yourself. But Milhouse said he's got it all figured out, and that he's imagined his first date so many times that it just can't go wrong.

- Four cheeseburgers with extra cheese! - Van Houten ordered for all of us. Mate, not so sure cheese is the best meal before a date, wouldn't want it to lead to incidents of a certain sonic palette.

- Sheesh, don't try to control the atmosphere, it's not good for you. - Sherry glared at him. - My sister and I will have low-fat sodas.

- I'll have a regular soda. - I know it's important to support a friend, but I want to do well for myself.

- So, Bart, since when do you work out? - while Terry just stared at me.

- Wrestling? About two years. - Terry blushed, which was clearly visible on her fair skin. I think I'm scoring points. - Winning the tournament was an ordeal I've been working hard to achieve. - I said in the lowest possible low voice, almost completely nonsensical.

- Oh, good for you, now you have a sta-... - Terry started to say, but...

- I've seen a glimpse of you, but you've got some nice dice, haven't you? The other guys didn't have any. - Sherry interrupted her. As for her question, I only got them because I had nothing else to do when I hurt the ligaments in my arm and took a break from most of my training for two months.

- Thanks, anything for the cuties. - I winked at Terry, though I almost did it in Sherry's direction. Thank God I came to my senses, or I'd have just interfered with my friend instead of helping him. - As for the tournament, yes, the next one will be for students from schools all over the state, though it's called something else.

.....

We spent another fifteen minutes chatting in the cafe, and then headed to the cinema. Terry and, strangely enough, Sherry kept pestering me with questions. From wrestling, the topic turned to school, from school to friends, from friends to girls. Naturally, I said that I'd dated girls and more than once, and everything would be fine if....

- Bart, you've dated someone? I thought you were killing time at the gym after Lisa encouraged her friend to date you. - we didn't have one jock with us. - By the way, Sherry, I've got dice, too. Look!

- Is that a crucifix on your chest?' said Sherry, taking my hand in hers with some disdain in her voice.

- Yeah, I found my faith in prison, and it happened...

The story of Milhouse's religious epiphany lasted about half an hour, all the way to the cinema, queuing, buying tickets and waiting for the show to start. It seems to me, or is it getting longer with each story, if it continues like this he may soon be able to write his own Bible.

.....

We sat in that order from the exit - Terry, me, Sherry, popcorn, Milhouse. Milhouse insisted on the popcorn seat because it was more comfortable and no one had to hold it. Saying in front of the girls that we should have bought not four small packs, but two large ones to share with the ladies, I didn't. Eh, if Van Houten and I were alone for a second, we'd both be at an advantage right now.

- Sherry, drop the popcorn? - Terry turned to her sister.

Sherry handed it to me, I handed it to Terry, who took the popcorn, following by placing her hand on the armrest where my hand was already resting. I raised an eyebrow and glanced at her, there was no reaction. So I lifted my palm, trailing my fingers through hers. Judging by her smile, I'm doing the right thing.....

- Huh? - The fact that my right hand wasn't the only one that felt the warmth of the girl's palm made me surprised.

- Oh, sorry, didn't realise. - Sherry smiled mischievously and removed her hand from mine. - It's just that you'd already taken one armrest, so I thought it was mine. - you actually have a neighbour on the other side of the popcorn bag!

.....

As the film went on, I was craving popcorn. However, I was having a dilemma about what to do. I could go to Sherry and get my packet without any problems, but on the other side there is Terry. I could ask her to feed me, which would firstly be stupidly nice, and secondly, it would help us bond. However, what if it's too soon? What if I sound pathetic? What if she starts thinking of me not as a cool man, but as a slob?

- Bart, how about some popcorn? - but all my worries were laid to rest by Sherry's suggestion.

- Come on. - I held out my hand, still in front of the screen.

- I'll second that.

- А?.. Ay caramba! - As soon as I turned my head, I saw Sherry holding a bag of popcorn, which was clearly hers, because she was on the opposite edge of the seat from me. She was holding mine between her legs, lifting her hips, showing the lines of her skinny jeans and fly.

- So? What are you waiting for? You can't wait to take it, can you? - As if in a whisper I could hear alone, Sherry turned to me.

- А?.. Yeah. - and with an empty head, I put my hand down between the legs of the girl who was on a date with my best friend, who is the sister of the girl I'm on a date with.

Needless to say, in no time at all, my jeans were tight.

.....

After getting myself under control, I watched the film almost without popcorn. It was wrong to keep taking it between Sherry's legs after all, plus dangerous to my own self-control.

- What did you think of the film? - Terry asked me on the way out.

- Too much sex, it was like watching a porno.

- What? But there wasn't a single sex scene in the film. - so they were just in my head.

- Hey, now I'm getting a little hungry, how about we go back for those cheeseburgers? - just in time to talk to Sherry, whose antics I'm still having a hard time getting over.

- I told you we should have taken them then. That's why Milhouse is always right! - I'm sorry, mate, but you're wrong, starting with the fact that nobody likes to hear that. Also, just sorry....

.....

Somehow I tried to keep the conversation going about the film, even though I remember it right up until the popcorn moment. Milhouse kept talking about situations where he wasn't listened to for nothing and that he sometimes feels like people don't appreciate him at all. Basically, he was winning Sherry over as best he could. My interactions with Terry eventually devolved into exchanging smiles while eating cheeseburgers.

- О!.. - and just when I thought I was actively screwing up, her foot went between my legs.

- What's wrong, Bart? - Terry asked, tucking her purple hair behind her ear.

- Nothing. - I naturally played along. Though I'm surprised at how sincerely she's playing the shy girl.

I wonder how long she'll keep up the game. What if I put my hand down her leg? No, she doesn't show it. What if I tickle it a little? Also no.

- Hee-hee, you're so funny Milhouse. - I don't know what they were talking about, but my friend's laughing and Sherry's expression said he was making progress.

- Huh? I was talking about my parents' divorce....

Let's get back to my date. What if... It's risky though, what if she thinks I'm some kind of freak? But... You only live once. Instead of a hip, I'll put my foot flat on my mate.

- Huh? - No reaction again, which is surprising. - You know how to turn a bloke on, don't you, Terry?

- Huh? Finally the reaction I was expecting. Poor Terry wasn't expecting a direct hint in front of Milhouse and her sister, so she got all flushed. - I'll get out of your way!

What happened next was something I didn't expect and left me with a pale face - Terry got up from the table and went to the loo. The only problem was that her big toe kept outlining along the risen spot on my groin.

- Bart, you should take it when it's offered. - With a slippery smile, Sherry took the fries from my set, then opened her mouth wide, placed them on her tongue, closed her lips, and looking me straight in the eye, sucked in the salty object with a force that made her cheeks flush.

- Bart, I think she wants me. - and while I was in complete shock for the second time that day, Milhouse punched me in the shoulder and whispered in my ear.

- Kgghaa! - well Sherry suddenly removed her foot from my crotch, coughing.

.....

My state of shock lasted until the very end of the date, and continued even on the way home with Milhouse.

- What am I supposed to do, Bart?

- Do what?

- Sherry, Bart, Sherry! I can't have sex before marriage, it's a sin!

- Then what's the point of picking up girls?

- But I didn't think I'd be successful. - sadly, it's true for me, too.

What I didn't expect was for someone to fall for me so hard. To be honest, I didn't think such active girls even existed. Now I'm in a situation where on one side is a friend I've known all my life, on the other side is a voluminous and seemingly tight ass, a nice girl who may well be interested in me too, and breasts with a hollow in which a palm can fit....

Eventually, I stopped listening to Milhouse all the way to the end of my dilemma:

A best friend and a nice girl, or a hottie that's sure to give, and without months of waiting?

A dilemma more complicated than any I've ever encountered in my entire life.....

========== Chapter 9: A Family Celebration ==========

Chapter 9: A Family Celebration

Still struggling with the dilemma between the lady and the nice girl with a friend, I got home much earlier than usual. I came to my senses at the front door, which I hesitated to open. The family is getting ready for dinner, most likely, and I would only be in their way. And I'm sure my company will make them uncomfortable, for they'll try to make conversation, and what's there to talk about?

And I don't really want to meet them. Homer probably did something stupid that pissed off Mum, which in turn made Lisa spice things up with her sarcastic comments, and Maggie.... I don't know. We've had so little contact over the last two years that I don't know her dinner routine.

- Haa. All right, Bart, be a man. - determined I had the guts to go inside and-- Quickly dash to my room.

- In these troubled times, I'm glad you've come to terms with your gender identity, son. - came Homer's voice from behind the door before my hand was even on the doorknob.

- Ay caramba! - which made me jump a metre.

.....

- Congratulations~

Inside the house, I was greeted with balloons, confetti and, for some reason, flowers. I couldn't get in without being noticed.

- We're so proud of you, Bart. - Mum gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Does that make you feel awkward? And not in an embarrassing way. Awkward in a different way, like it's unnatural or something?

- Yes, Bart, we're so glad you've succeeded in something that doesn't require you to use your head. - Lisa said with a weird, crooked smile that didn't seem bitchy or arrogant. Speaking of Lisa, and she had changed. Her body and face had become more feminine, and her style of dress was more like the men from IT companies that masquerade as mere mortals.

Also, in wrestling you actually have to use your head! What do you do if your opponent is bigger than you? Just taller? Heavier? What if he's more agile? Faster to react? Finally more experienced? You can't succeed without analysing and arranging your actions for a few moves!

- And I got an A in maths today! - Maggie's a bit confused by all the attention I'm getting.

- Well done. - I smiled and patted her on the head, but her reaction didn't leave me without words and with a bad feeling in my heart.

.....

The second round of my family's unnatural, unnatural for me, routine began - eating dishes that fit the definition, and freshly cooked ones at that.

- You're eating so slowly, Bart, is something wrong? - Mum turned to me with lowered eyebrows, looking guilty.

- No, it's just the way I got used to it when I was losing weight. The slower you eat, the easier it is to keep the weight off.

- Ha-ha-ha-ha, what the hell is that? - my words made Homer, apparently a secret nutritionist, laugh. - Is it like this?

Next, he decided to bring the forkful of mashed potatoes to his mouth slowly, as if in slo-mo. Truth be told, at one point his eyes fluttered and a river of sweat broke out on his forehead.

- Am! What torture... - Homer stared at the ceiling for a second as if it were nothing, and the next thing he knew, he was eating dinner like a lawnmower.

- How long have you been thin? - Maggie asked me a question.

- Not very long. Weight loss is all about nutrition. - Mum was surprised to hear that, because I hadn't asked her for any special meals. - I didn't have much else to spend my pocket money on.

- Ahhhh! - I don't know why, but my words seemed to have touched Mum to the core. I'm sorry!

- If you wanted to lose weight, why didn't you go vegetarian? - with a steamed carrot, Lisa pointed her fork in my direction.

- I like meat. - I don't know why, but from the look on her face, my answer hit her like a personal attack.

- Did you beat a lot of people? Fought against all of them at once? - Once the pause was over, Maggie would ask a question.

- No, no, I've beaten just four guys.

- Too bad they only let students into the tournament, or we would have come to cheer you on, Bart! - As Homer finished his dinner, he found room in his mouth for a retort.

- Hmm? I heard there were adults at the tournament, including parents and gawkers. - but instead of me, Lisa answered.

- Did you hear that? Lisa, you weren't in the gym? - Why would she be, Mum, after all, I'm sure I've missed more than one of her concerts in the last two years.

- No. Alison and I, Becky told me. - Did we have to mention her? I didn't have much of an appetite as it was.

- Was it hard? - While the Simpson women were talking, the youngest one turned to me again.

- Mm-hmm. I've only been wrestling for two years.

- Huh? Two years? - Lisa was surprised, as if it was the first time she'd realised it. Although maybe she really didn't give my existence any importance. - You must be very lucky! In two years, people can't even learn the basics of their chosen craft-.

- Lisa! - Mum shouted at her, not in the canon, she should have shouted at me.

- Yeah, you're probably right. - I agreed with Zubrila, because she's probably right. Logically speaking, I was either lucky or my opponents were extremely weak. Well, I'll be a shoo-in for the next tournament, because there'll be guys from all over the state.

- Bart, did you cheat? - Maggie had a new question for me as we talked.

- No. Knowing my reputation, I answered short and sweet.

- Then why didn't you call us, son? - strangely enough, the conversation led even Homer to stop eating, even though he still had a spoonful of mashed potatoes, three peas and an uneaten chicken leg bone on his plate. Homer's sick?

- Why? - I had no better answer than to ask the question myself.

- So we could support you! Are you stupid?' I was surprised at Maggie's silence.

- Oh, I see. Well, I don't really need support, but as for whether I'm stupid. The stupidest.

- Ha-ha-ha-ha! You're so funny. Ha-ha-ha-ha! - Maggie's face broke into a serene, childlike smile at my answer, and then she burst into laughter.

- Well... I'm kind of full, so should I go? - I asked my mum if I should do the dishes in such a detached way.

- H-okay, go... - She answered me awkwardly, after which I got up from the table and after saying goodbye to everyone, headed for my room.

.....

I spent half an hour watching YouTube, but after that my anxiety took over and I started scouring the internet looking for other guys who had been selected for my state tournament group, which is called something else. Unfortunately, as much as the World Wide Web is lauded, when you need to find such specific information, it fails you.

I spent two hours searching, and I only found two guys, but they were the kind of guys that made me gulp. One's been wrestling since he was two, Ay caramba! The other broke his opponent's arm in the finals of a city tournament. There's an interview with the last one on YouTube:

- What can I say about my opponent's injury? Well, I got some attention for it, which is good. But this fat loser can go kill himself.

Bron Ricksteiner is the name of the sleeve, and the name of the most experienced man in the tournament is Dolph Briscoe. Somehow I have a feeling that if I don't get buried in the first round, I'll definitely face one of them....

- I could face one of them in the first round, couldn't I? - then that last thought wouldn't make any sense.

While I was deciding whether to go on p*rnhub or oh*ntai to relax, there was a knock on my door. With high hopes that I wasn't in for some serious son-to-parent conversation, I did speak up:

- 'It's open. - Though my hopes were fulfilled, it was not at all pleasant, for on the other side was.... - Lisa?

- Hoo. Your room hasn't changed at all in two years. - As if to herself, Lisa walked in and started looking at the wardrobe, computer desk and posters. - Are you still a Krusty fan?

- А?.. - while I didn't understand anything, my sister pointed to the wall behind me, where it turned out there was still a poster of my childhood favourite clown.

- Still don't look after yourself, do you? - Covering her nose, Lisa glanced at my underwear on the floor.

- That's... - I can't say they're Milhouse's pants, that would raise a lot more questions I'm not prepared to answer! To be clear, it was about a broken fly, Van Houten's holey hands, and hot cheese in a burrito.....

- Also so much dust... - Lisa pointed a finger almost point-blank at me, after running it along the tops of comic books and some books in the wardrobe. - Though what else would you expect from someone who comes home solely to sleep.

- What do you even want? - Do I need to have my room checked by Zubrila with her arms folded under her chest?

- Mum sent me to apologise. - Yeah, the nervous tone is so apologetic.

- So?

- Although I'm not sure why I should apologise. - With a raised eyebrow, as if thinking, Lisa sat down on my bed with her arms still crossed. - Did I say something that offended you?

- Oh, no. - She seemed to be telling the truth. What's to be offended by? Unless what she said about wrestling was offensive, but she should apologise not only to me, but to all the wrestlers in the world.

- Then maybe she did?

- No, I don't think so. - Is it just me or is this conversation even more pointless than her coming here? She could have lied to her mother about apologising and not come. I don't think I'll be talking to Mum before she forgets anyway.

- Really? - Lisa raised an eyebrow. Why should I be surprised? Don't tell me that while I was away, she deleted that very folder from my computer!

- Do you have anything to say? - If so, I don't even remember half the sources!

- Hmm, interesting. - Lisa stood up, or almost, more like lifted her arse off the bed, quite healthy for a Zubrila. Looks like someone's been eating a lot... Now I'm depressed, if I eat too much sweets I lose my abs, and she's getting the benefit of them, apparently. - You really have nothing to say to me? Accuse me? Revenge?

- The door's that way. - I told Lisa what I wanted to say.

- You're such an arsehole! - My sister snapped at me. - I didn't do anything you didn't try to do!

Lisa stormed out of the room, slamming the door like she was trying to break it down.

- Teenagers. - came out of my mouth, and then it hit me. - And so did I.

Resolving my teenage hormone issues, I switched on my computer to make sure, and not only that, that the contents of that particular folder were safe.

-A few days later-

Walking Terry home after another of our dates, she suddenly didn't rush home, instead staying put, clearly intent on saying something to me.

- Do you want to come in? My parents and Sherry aren't home tonight. - Terry turned away from me and said in a near whisper.

- You betcha!' and as a guy who hadn't even been kissed yet, all my senses were at the limit of humanity, including my hearing.