The Simpsons: Bart

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***

**Lisa Simpson**

While preparing a biology report, I suddenly started getting alerts on my phone. Checking it, it turned out to be Alison texting me. Not really wanting to talk to her right now, I went back to something more exciting.

The alerts didn't stop coming, though; in addition to Taylor, Jenny and Becky were texting me. Deciding that maybe something had happened and tomorrow might be a reshuffle or, God forbid, a cancellation of some classes, I opened the messages.

The subject of the messages from all three of them was the same. A topic that made me cringe for a second and my eyebrows jump up. The girls claimed Bart had been at our school today and won something.

- Wrestling? - that's what Bart does?

No way. I guess the only good thing about my bully brother was his lack of violence. He could shoot me with a slingshot when I was a kid, but not without realising the consequences, and in our fights as kids, he never crossed the line of reason to hurt me on purpose. So he just can't play that kind of sport.

I checked the calendar, and strangely, it's not the first of April. Then why did the girls suddenly decide to play a prank on me?

As I theorised, the messages kept coming in. The most active was Becky, who had even posted a few photos and a video.

- Is that Bart? - of him throwing some guy over himself.

So it's true? Bart wrestles. I'm surprised I don't know. I guess I haven't given him much thought since our fight. Although, how he didn't just blast me with his victory is beyond me. He always likes to brag, most of the time unjustifiably, but here...

- I'm fed up! - I reacted to the discussion between the girls about whether my brother was hot or not. Why do I have to send your stupid fantasies?!

.....

At dinner, I broached the subject of Bart winning with my parents. If they wanted to celebrate, it would be better to know in advance, so I wouldn't have to make any plans that didn't involve staring at a phone screen.

- Huh?' Mum lowered her eyebrow, clearly not believing what I was saying.

- Eh, Lisa-Lisa... - Dad turned on his teacher voice. - Fighting behind the school is not fighting.

- I'm serious! - It's so annoying that my words are being disregarded. That's sexist. Wait, my mum doesn't listen to me either, so it's age discrimination!

Next, I showed the same video that Becky had sent me. My parents' faces got confused, but they didn't object to the fact. Next, Mom started asking Dad if he'd given Bart money for wrestling school, or if he'd taken it on some other pretext. But Dad just shook his head from side to side.

After a few minutes of searching the net, we even found a news item on a local website with a picture of Bart with the trophy, the name of the school, and even a note that Bart had won the trophy at the school from which he had been expelled.

In the end, the three of us, Maggie believing it all at once, came to the conclusion that it wasn't a fake, and Bart was really wrestling, and quite successfully. In my personal opinion, being much more aware of modern technology, I can safely say that Bart is too stupid and lazy to use it to pull off such a prank.

- Oh, my God, my boy is playing such a dangerous sport. - Mum covered her mouth with her hand, clearly beginning to fantasise about possible injury.

- Marge, calm down. Boys need a place to release their energy. - and my father spread his arms, unconcerned.

- Yeah, Homer, what did you use it for when you were his age?! - Mum said reproachfully.

- Music, doughnuts and things that are inappropriate to say in front of children.

- Mrgghhhh... - Mum sighed as she let out a characteristic sigh of displeasure. - I'll have to talk to him about that.... But what about his victory?

- Are you going to celebrate? - I inadvertently suggested it.

- Maybe we should, but Bart always comes home so late. - It's a wonder Mom lets him. I'm not allowed to stay out late.

- Well, we could get his friend to help us. - Dad suggested. - You know, the one with the glasses, blue hair, in love with Lisa.

- Dad! I hate it when that topic comes up. I can barely stand Milhouse.

- Good idea, Homie.

Eventually, the parents found Milhouse's mother's number, got her son's number through her, and awkwardly accepted congratulations on Bart's victory. Next, the parents contacted Milhouse himself and learned that Bart would likely be back early tomorrow, as they would be having a double date.

- I guess there really is someone for everyone in this world. - involuntarily burst out at the news of my brother's double date. Apparently, losers are indeed lucky in love, whereas I, in light of my intelligence and integrity, am so unlucky in love

In the morning, Mum drove Maggie and me to school, while Bart got up too early for her. Then Mum went shopping, which Maggie and I had to either put up around the house or help with the cooking when we got home. Naturally, I refused to help cook, due to the build-up of stereotypical perceptions of women, and my beliefs as a vegetarian, which went against cooking chicken.

As I finished setting the table, I was left wondering why my mum put so much effort into this celebration. We didn't even celebrate Bart's birthday this year, and last year we didn't celebrate it without him, because he always came home at midnight.

- Homer, Bart will be here soon, so wait for him at the door while we get pumped! - shouted Mom to Dad, who was sitting on the couch watching a talk show and drinking a beer.

- Marge, don't we have a dog for that? - Stretched out pitifully in response.

- Santa's little helper died the year before last.

- Oh, I wonder why he's all grubby and little.

- It's snowball six, Dad!

- Ha, did we have that many cats?

.....

It's no exaggeration to say that the party went terribly. It started with a complete lack of enthusiasm from Bart, who answered quietly and unhurriedly, as if my brother had been replaced by some humblebrag. There were no stories about how cool he was, how he had beaten everyone, no promises to win the Olympics. Bart just sat there, ate, and answered questions.

Then after he left, my mum took it out on me for no reason! Her tone didn't quite fit the accusations either, she was literally shouting, even though she was accusing me of not supporting my brother and saying hurtful things. If he and I paid each other a nickel every time we hurt each other and didn't support each other, I'd be a millionaire by now.

But there was nothing to do, so I reluctantly climbed the stairs and knocked on Bart's room, hoping he'd be a jerk and ignore me.

- Openly. - Yeah, and did he have to act mature for the first time when he didn't have to? - Lisa?

- Hoo. Your room hasn't changed at all in two years. - It's like it's been canned at some point in time. Bart used to bring in stuff from the street and put up posters. Now the posters are gone, and the room is in its cleanest state since it was built. - Are you still a Krusty fan?

- А?.. - my question made Bart turn round, had he forgotten he had a poster above his bed?

- Still not looking after yourself, huh? - My eye caught a pair of pants lying on the floor, which, for reasons I don't want to know, were covered in cheese. I mean, I knew guys had a heightened libido when they were teenagers, but not to this extent!

- This is... - unexpected, but apparently blokes can be angry as well as embarrassed.

- And there's so much dust... - Running my finger over the tops of books and comics, there was more dust on my finger than the inside of a hoover. - Though what else would you expect from someone who comes home solely to sleep.

- What do you want? - Bart asked with some nervousness. And why take offence at the truth? Men...

- Mum sent me to apologise.

- Did she? - Did I say something I didn't understand? It's so annoying.

- Although I'm not sure what I should apologise for. Did I say something that offended you?

The only thing I should apologise for is that prank two years ago. I don't think Alison and I went too far, but the timing of our prank was clearly inappropriate.

- No, it wasn't. - I'm sure Bart still holds a grudge, whether it's against me or Alison. I just don't know why, but he's not looking for revenge.

- Then maybe you did. - It'd be easier if Bart told me, I'd apologise and he'd go back to his annoying self instead of going out all night.

- No, I don't think so. - and Bart just keeps stubbornly refusing to give me, my parents or Maggie a chance to get things back to normal. He's giving me more and more reasons to worry about myself.

- Really? - I thought I'd take the hint. His absence, as much as I hate to admit it, is having a negative effect on birthdays and Christmas. Noticing an empty chair makes me feel guilty. And I'm not the only one in the family.

- Do you have something to say? - naturally, Bart ignored the innuendo.

- Hmm, interesting. - I stood up and was about to leave. But my conscience got in the way. Even if it was in revenge, doing to Bart what he'd done to me didn't make it right. So, to get rid of the guilt, and to get the sadness out of my mother's eyes, I'm going to try our relationship one more time. - You really don't have anything to say to me? Blame me? Revenge?

- The door's that way. - Bart eloquently made it clear that he was more than happy with our relationship the way it was.

- You're such a jerk! - I snapped at the end. - I haven't done anything you haven't tried to do!

With a resounding stomp, I stormed out of the room, finally slamming the door like I was trying to break it down.

- Teenagers. - came out of my mouth out the door at the childish resentment my brother won't let go. - However, neither was I...

I really did feel like there was something special between me and Alex. It felt like I could talk to him openly about anything. It seemed like he was the kind of person who could understand me and accept me with all my flaws. And in the end, it was Bart.

- I hate it. - collapsed on the bed in my room.

And the worst part is that now my crush on boys never lasts longer than when they open their mouths, and always reminds me of Alex's words, Bart's deception. Now every time I find someone attractive, I immediately think of my brother....