The Protagonist System

My life seemed to settle into a great routine. I had girlfriends that adored me, I would be welcoming my first child this summer, school was a breeze that I helped my fellow classmates with, and I had lots of spare time. My books and merchandise were selling well like always, Hedwig loved delivering all the letters I sent out to my fans, and everyone in my life was happy.

I honestly couldn't have asked for a more relaxing time. There were no longer any threats to me and mine with Voldemort, Dumbledore, and their minions taken care of. Even the press conference about Amelia Bones abusing her authority over a mistake and apologizing to a national hero, had only caused a small reaction in the population and was quickly forgotten.

Surprisingly, Amelia didn't quit or was shuffled off into another department to hide her away. Minister Diggory had told her that he was relieved that she had proven to him that she was actually human that could make mistakes and not a criminal case solving machine like he suspected. The complimentary insult made Amelia blush.

The minister thing had worked out the way it did, because Lucius Malfoy hadn't been around to pay the bribes needed to put Cornelius Fudge into office to influence the ministry. Since Fudge never ascended to power, neither did Deloris Umbridge. He would never become minister and she would never become the Senior Undersecretary.

Severus Snape and Albus Dumbledore were sent off to St. Mungo's Long Term Care Ward and were both popular with visits. Most for Albus were to talk to him and say how sorry they were about him being there. Those that visited Snape just seemed to amuse themselves to see the arrogant man brought so low. The nurses left him dressed in the clown costume, too.

The funny thing was, the OWL and NEWT students performed better without the potions professor breathing down their necks as they took their exams. Self-studying and a few extra books and tips from me, had them all pass with a higher mark than they had expected.

Speaking of marks, Hermione and I tied for the top spot in our year, thanks to her taking my advice in class and learning from my essays to change how she approached homework. In fact, a good portion of the Griffindor first years were in the top ten, the rest were in the top twenty with a mix of Ravenclaws.

The only outlier was Ron Weasley, because he had refused any offered help from whom he called 'the popular kids' and didn't bother studying. We all wondered how he had passed the year when he barely did any homework and failed nearly every test. The only class we knew he did well in was Flying and that was only because of the brooms.

*

Andromeda gave birth to a beautiful little girl and called her Ermelinda Cassiopeia Tonks. I made her swear to let me name our next child, because that one was terrible, even if it meant 'tender universe'. On the positive side, I could call her Mel or Linda and Andromeda couldn't get angry about it. Much, anyway.

Neither of us were surprised that Nymphadora didn't want anything to do with us or her new half-sister. Was it petty of her to react like that? Yes, it was. Did we understand why? Yes, we did. Did we yell at her for blaming us for capitalizing on her mistake? Most definitely.

I didn't have to point out that it could have been her, because I had seen and felt her envy and jealousy. Nymphadora knew that baby would have been hers if she hadn't thrown me away, mostly because I had gotten Andromeda pregnant as soon as she asked for it. No ifs, ands, or buts. No doubts and no worries about if she was or wasn't. Andromeda asked, I delivered, and Andromeda delivered the baby.

Right after that heated conversation, Nymphadora got back at us 'for doing this to her' and told everyone about the baby, even though we warned her that we wanted to keep it a secret to keep both Andromeda and the baby safe. She started in the DMLE offices with Amelia Bones and then went to everyone that worked there.

Word quickly spread to the rest of the ministry and soon reached the offices of the Daily Prophet. The next day's paper had a controversial headline that shook the entire magical world and not just Britain.

-

Wizarding World Savior Harry Potter Can Get Anyone Pregnant!
By Barnabus Cuffe
It's true, folks. After only a short investigation and a copied memory from a reliable source, which was a conversation with the young hero himself (printed on Pg.2), the young hero claimed to be able to get any witch pregnant. No guesswork or hoping is needed. That's right, ladies. If you want a child, one night with the apparently virile and potent savior will guarantee pregnancy...

-

I groaned when I read that and immediately changed the mail redirect ward to an empty room, because I didn't want all the new mail to mix in with my piles and piles of fan mail. I suspected what the majority of it was going to be about, considering the abysmal birth rates of pure blood families. I didn't doubt that I was going to get a lot of hate mail about it, too.

I also sent Nanny to fetch Andromeda and the baby. They would be moving into the castle and living there from now on, because even if her name hadn't been mentioned in the article, everyone knew she had been pregnant because of her visits all over to deliver the merchandise for sale to our business clients. Nymphadora also wasn't quiet about why she was so pissed off.

“Harry, I'm kicking her out of the family!” Andromeda shouted when she entered the new mail room to talk to me. “Let's see her try to ignore her first name when she can't call herself Tonks anymore!”

I opened my mouth to calm her down and she held up her hand in a stop gesture.

“She knows exactly how wrong it was to expose our baby like this.” Andromeda added.

I sighed and created a document. “All right. If you need my endorsement, you have it.”

Andromeda took the offered parchment and read it, smiled, and tucked it into her robes. “Thank you.”

I opened my arms and she stepped close and ducked her head to cuddle under my chin. She started to shake and silently cried, so I whispered sweet nothings to her and held her as I told her how everything was going to be fine.

“I just need a chastity belt and a dozen guards to protect my manhood.” I said and rubbed her back.

Andromeda sobbed and laughed, which made her cough and choke briefly. “That's... not... funny.”

I gave her a crooked smile and turned to wave at the empty room that was no longer empty. There were over a hundred letters already, some of them red howlers, and a dozen owls flew in through the enchanted window and dropped off more letters and stopped at the row of perches for treats and water, then they flew back out without making a sound.

“So soon?” Andromeda asked as the howlers popped open and started yelling, only no sound could be heard. “Silencing ward?”

I nodded. “The constant flow of owls is really distracting around notable days like my birthday and holidays.”

Andromeda nodded as another group of owls entered the room and dropped off their letters. “What are you going to do about this?”

I didn't have to ask her to clarify that, because I knew she didn't mean the owls.

“There's nothing I can do with the truth out there.” I said and her eyes widened. “I can't complain to the newspaper for reporting the truth and I won't lie and say it's not true, not after the argument with Nymphadora.”

Andromeda sighed. “She'll think we told her all of that to spite her if you try to claim it's not true publicly.”

“Exactly.” I said and gave her a kiss. “I also doubt anyone would believe me if I did try to deny it.”

Andromeda sighed again. “A celebrity denying any fame wouldn't be believed, that's true.”

I chuckled. “Unwanted or not, I have it and I'm stuck with it.”

Andromeda gave me a pointed look. “What's funny about any of this?”

“I was thinking about all the girls I've fooled around with and told I couldn't get them pregnant without their permission.” I said and Andromeda sucked in a sharp breath. “They now have proof that I wasn't lying.”

“Oh. Oh, my.” Andromeda whispered. “You're going to be mobbed with requests in September when you go back to school.”

“If I'm lucky, I'll only be mobbed.” I countered and her eyes widened. “So, about that chastity belt...”

Andromeda let out an uncharacteristic giggle at the thought of me being molested on top of being mobbed. “I really shouldn't laugh about what's going to happen.”

“There's nothing we can do to stop it, so mitigation is all I can hope for.” I said.

Andromeda looked thoughtful. “You can't use another form of transportation, since the train ensures the students are registered as attending and the house elves are given the details for the number of students they have to care for.”

“I always wondered why it was tradition to have students go all the way to London to ride a train for 8 hours to get back to Hogwarts, even if they live in Hogsmeade that's practically right next to the castle.”

Andromeda gave me a smug smile. “Yes, it's odd, especially since it's not a day school for them. They have to board at Hogwarts for most of the year like every other student, even though their homes are just down the road.”

I huffed. “That's not odd, that's stupid. Then again, they might not get a cheaper tuition if they chose to leave the castle every night and return every morning. They also risk being late or missing days by pretending to be sick and skipping. They can't do that in a dorm room with so many witnesses around.”

Andromeda nodded and let out another sigh. “Thank you for distracting me.”

“You're welcome.” I said and gave her another kiss. “I better start digging though this mess for my actual mail before more howlers show up.”

Andromeda pulled me in for another kiss, this one a little demanding, then she let me go and left the room. I let out a sigh at the situation and thought about casting a Fidelius charm on the castle, then shrugged. No one could approach that meant me or my family harm, so we were as safe as could be. The Fidelius charm wasn't infallible, either.

I took out my wand and pointed it at the piles of letters. “Accio Hermione's letters.”

Only one shot out of the pile and it was a thick one, so I stated the names of each of my friends and summoned their letters, too. I had a small stack and sat down to read them. They only had words of encouragement for me, especially Hermione. Angelina loved that I had kept my word by not making her pregnant, despite my now documented 100% virility.

Lavender on the other hand, teased me about a pregnancy fantasy. I didn't bother asking why she thought lactating breasts were a turn-on for me, because I assumed she guessed that I did that for Andromeda. I thanked her for thinking of my needs and promised to visit at least once this summer.

With those out of the way, I started to summon any official letters from various businesses that sold my products, the Ministry, Gringotts, and my professors at school. If they had any kind of objection to things, I needed to get that straightened out as soon as possible.

Today was going to be a really long day.

*

I was wrong about it lasting only a day. It went on for the entire summer and the mail just never stopped. It was even worse on my birthday because hundreds of women demanded I visit to give them a present instead. Harry Potter couldn't step anywhere in the wizarding world without being bombarded by requests and demands to 'share the wealth' of my genes.

That meant I spent the entire summer in my normal disguise and stayed out of the public eye. I didn't like having to hide so much; but, neither I nor my school friends needed the negative attention that my presence as Harry Potter would bring. I was still disguised with my normal look when I boarded the train to go to school.

As I sat and relaxed to wait for my friends to show up, my mind drifted to the release of my new fantasy story book a month ago. It was clearly marked as fiction and had become a hot seller for the younger kids, because of how easy to read it was. It was also a great story.

I did change McGonagall's role slightly to be more involved and didn't have her blow off Harry's concerns. I instead had her go to the partially senile headmaster and he dismissed her concerns to allow the plot to continue. I also had to change the names of everyone and everything, then I claimed all likenesses were coincidental to anyone living or dead.

Of course, Minnie McGargle was still a stern Transfiguration Teacher at PiggyPimples Academy of Magic and Angus Bumblesmore was the Head Teacher. I definitely had too much fun coming up with puns and play-on-words for the teacher's names. It made me chuckle just thinking about how much of a laugh I was giving parents and children all over the world that knew the real people.

Funnily enough, the scandal of my virility at the start of the summer hadn't hurt my merchandise sales. According to Andromeda, it was mostly older housewives that wanted a second child that had caused the whole affair to blow up in the first place. Oh, and she really did go through with disowning Nymphadora No-Name.

Andromeda had served her former daughter with legal papers to stop her from using Tonks as her first name or she would be sued. This resulted in a loud shouting argument had made the newspaper, because Andromeda had hand-delivered the notice to Nymphadora at work in the middle of the DMLE offices.

The smug look on Andromeda's face when she came home afterwards, let me know that she had won the argument. Nymphadora's role in endangering her half-sister and her mother was fully exposed, as was her being disowned for it. The next day's paper had the damning headline and it was Nymphadora's turn to be embarrassed when she showed her face in public.

I turned my head when the compartment door opened and saw a thin blonde girl with a dreamy smile on her face standing there. “Hi, Luna. Did you follow the bumbling humdingers or did the wrackspurts tell you how to find me?”

Luna Lovegood's dreamy smile changed to a beaming one. “Mummy told me you would understand.”

I chuckled and patted the bench seat beside me. Luna walked over and looked down at the spot and then at my face. I laughed and shimmied over just enough to let her fit next to the window instead. She sat down and her smile never wavered, so I put an arm over her shoulders.

“Do you think they replaced the missing teachers yet?” Luna asked me.

“I hope so. Even if the potions and DaDa students did better last year than the last five years combined, both courses should be taught by a competent professor.” I answered her.

“Not you?” Luna asked.

I smiled slightly. “I could probably teach every class in the school... if I was allowed.”

Luna giggled. “I don't think the school board would last long if they let you teach officially.”

I gave her shoulders a little squeeze. “I would pass my OWLs and NEWTs at a mastery level if I wasn't restricted by the set age limits.”

“Mummy did say that homeschooling only counted if you never attended Hogwarts.” Luna told me.

“Damn, I never thought of that.” I said and then laughed. “I was so caught up in the savior of the wizarding world attending Hogwarts, just to be there with the kids my age that grew up hearing and reading about my adventures, it never once occurred to me to validate my magical knowledge in any other way.”

Luna's smile dimmed a little. “Harry? Am I going to become one of your girls?”

I didn't hesitate in what I said next, because it was the truth. “Luna, you have always been one of my girls. I just had to wait long enough for us to meet.”

Luna's eyes went wider than they normally went and she shivered like ice had rolled down her spine. “You're not lying.”

“No, I'm not.” I said and glanced down at her lips and back to her silvery-blue eyes.

“Yes, please.” Luna whispered and closed her eyes.

I leaned in and kissed her gently, like she was made of glass and I didn't want to shatter her. Luna made a cute little sound in the back of her throat and she opened her mouth for me as her small hand reached up and lightly pet my hair. We stayed like that for what seemed like a long time as we gently kissed each other and occasionally used our tongues.