The Love They Never Had

Seo Hwi was heavy on my mind as he always was since I had met him, especially just now after the recent events that just took place between us. I thought that I had known misery before when my brother died and I was accused of being responsible for it by strangers who didn't know me from Adam. But I did what I had to do to survive, and not just for myself. I knew that he would hate me when he found out what had happened to his precious sister who was also som eone dear in my heart, although I could never express it due to her overexciting and very obvious crush that she had on me. I knew that he would hate me when...if I found him on the battleground in Liadong after all the weeks that I had sent him away. But it was for his own good, and I hoped that he knew that. He was my only friend, the only person to let me into his life and even went as far enough to trust me around his baby sister. I had no idea just how I was going to make up for the mess that I had unwittingly landed all of us in, but for now, the least that I could do was to look after Yeon for him as if she was my own...sister.

I had no idea why, but I had started to hesitate a little every-time I thought about Yeon...but it wasn't in a bad way. I think. I usually spent my days with Hwi and I was only around Yeon when he brought her out, but I had never been left on my own with her. Unfortunately, her epilepsy had left her introverted, awkward and almost too naive, even at the age of 16. She wasn't growing up like other women were at her age and I had no idea why but it was't any of my business to pry. But nevertheless, she was a sweet girl who always had a smile on her face even though she was constantly suffering, and I had to admit that overtime I had developed a soft spot for her since she always did everything to make us happy. She was innocent and pure and she had no fault other than her disorder and was the only person I knew that didn't strive for materialistic wealth. There wasn't a hint of resentment, despair or greed in her eyes at all and I really hoped that she would stay that way for the rest of her life.

And speaking of Yeon, I actually hadn't seen much of her since she woke up in my room after her fit. I had already told her everything that she needed to know, but where was she now? Was she settling in ok? Were the servants treating her properly? Was my father ripping her apart? Goodness gracious, I had never had to worry about anyone in this home other than myself and now here I was, almost developing anxiety over someone who was always a part of my world outside this place. Neither her or her brother was ever supposed to set foot here and it wasn't because of our class differences. Seo Hwi had already gotten a taste of my father, but someone as delicate as Yeon should never cross paths with him unless she was brought before him. It was also the month of November and it was freezing cold outside and I was worried that I would aggravate her epileptic condition. I know that my father's condition for letting me house Yeon was that I could never approach her and carry on our previous relationship that she couldn't even remember. I have never had to worry about this girl before but now that there was every chance that she could run into my father and do something that would get her into trouble, I had to admit that she was all I could think about when I wasn't trying to remember my last moments with her brother.

My father was currently at the palace anyways, so there was nothing stopping me from at least taking a peek at her to see how she was settling in so far. So I had the servants pack up some more supplies for her as I made my way to my mother's quarters with my heart dropping to my feet with each step that I took. I hadn't set foot in these quarters since the passing of my mother and I almost threw up as soon as I got near the door if I hadn't heard Yeon conversing with my own personal servant that my father assigned to me.

"...I wish that we had plum trees and cypresses in the courtyard, it would look much livelier when it starts to snow." "Um..." "or we can put up paper-cuts onto the windows until then, I do not think that the Lord Nam will grant me any seasonal decorations anytime soon."

I had absolutely no idea what had come over me, but I really couldn't help to let out a small gasp under my breathe. To say that I was envious of Yeon's lack of awareness to the situation that surrounded her would be an understatement. How I longed to wake up with my memory wiped out so I could longer recollect how poorly my life had been...ever since I was born. But it had been so long since I had laughed that I almost couldn't recognise what I was doing until I felt the corners of my mouth twitching upwards in what I supposed was...a smile? She really made me smile in a time like this?

"How the hell did you get in here?" "Excuse me? Who are you?" My moment of peace was shattered by the trill of my father's senseless servant Chun-Ae. She was a servant of plain looks, short height and she had her eyes on me the moment I was dragged to my father's home. I had remembered my brother complaining about her incessantly as well. She had a keen eye at a young age and she just represented everything that I hated about the nobility class and what people would do to even be associated with big names, never mind the corruption and decadence that came along with power and money.

"You lowlife! How dare you address me as nothing when I am a servant of the most powerful Lord in this neighbourhood!" Never in Yeon's life had she been talked to this way and I knew that if her brother was here, he would have torn Chun-Ae's head off, no matter if she was a woman or not. Chun-Ae had entered through the side doors and didn't even notice me standing just a few feet away from them. But my feet refused to move and it seemed like I had lost my own voice as I was frozen to the ground which were a few steps away from what was once my home and the memories of the woman that I had sworn to forget since she had chosen to abandon me here in this cruel world with a monster like my father.

"...your lack of background and etiquette isn't anyone's fault but your own. And what is that on your skirt? What a minx, you dare to sew embroideries on your skirt? What are you trying to do, seduce the young master? It seems like you have forgotten everything about your past but how you used to chase him everywhere that he went! You haven't even managed to catch his attention in the first month that has passed, so what makes you think that you can do it now? You can never get that close to him, not on my watch! And your brand new look will not get you anywhere, you can just carry on being invisible to him like you always have been! Your sweet tongue will not get you anywhere! And just because you have buttered up to both father and son here to keep your useless life and..." "what on earth is this servant talking about? Why is she acting like she is a part of the Nam family?"

Even I was taken aback my Yeon's cool and calm demeanour, in fact, everyone around us was. Confucius laws didn't just run this land, it also set up moral etiquette and as far as I knew, women of all social backgrounds were supposed to be timid, quiet and only speak when spoken to with their eyes on the ground. Never have I ever heard someone interrupt a conversation or speech, never mind it coming from a woman, especially someone with Yeon's poverty stricken background and her having no parents only made the situation worse.

"You lowborn epileptic orphan girl! How dare you interrupt me, even if I am a maid. I am still a part of the Nam family, and that is something that you will never be, no mater how lavishly the young master has redecorated his old quarters for you and no mater how many gifts you have received from him. I do not know how you managed to receive such favours from him, but you should know your place and stay away from him as much as you can." I knew that from Chun-Ae's spoiled temper, that she was going to do something above her station and get away with it as usual; I did not know why my father spoiled her as much as he did but I couldn't care less. So I managed to find the strength to finally move forward by hanging onto Yeon's voice and defend her like I always did and always should.

"I was just trying to take a walk, only to have my day spoiled by this pathetic scene." Yeon had her back to me and she was standing at the far end of the room, so there was no way for me to see her face even if I wanted to. "My Lord! She...she was trying to make fun of me, so I just tried to..." "to what? Put her in her place? You are a slave and she is a free woman, who are you to put anyone in their place? Just because my father indulges you, it does not mean that you can ever forget your place. Slave." It was a harsh but necessary comment and for some reason, I found myself secretly hoping and praying that Yeon didn't think that I was some stuck up nobleman who couldn't stand the lowborn like the rest of these ignorant, arrogant, selfish, untalented noblemen who only knew how to squander their family's wealth and prestige over cheap vices.

"You...I have been taking care of you and your family since..." "you are just a maid doing your job like the rest of them. And you know what, if you were not such jealous, insecure and pitiful little thing that my father found on the street, you might be half as attractive as Yeon is. But you are just ugly inside and out, so just do your job and keep your mouth shut..." I was in mid-speech when hr silhouette appeared into the front courtyard. It was still dark, so I couldn't see her face to well. But even I wasn't blind to notice a trail of butterflies that were flying right above her head, which completely look me aback for a few moments. I couldn't even speak as she...was following the route that my mother always took when she looked at the flowers that are planted outside of her quarters. It was the only gift that she had ever received from my father, those flowers that Yeon was now observing at this time of night.

"This is witchcraft...how can so any butterflies follow her at night like that in winter?" I could hear all of the servant whispering in shock , but I couldn't see them. I really couldn't see anything much apart from her in that moment and for the first time, I couldn't filter what came out of my mouth. "You infuse the air with fragrance, that is why the butterflies are drawn to you, even in winter..." "Excuse me? Are you alright, Young Master?" "I...yes, I...have brought you some supplies..."

To avoid the awkwardness between myself and the girl that I still couldn't see very well in the dark, I almost ran right into my mother's quarters without thinking twice, only to feel my draw drop at how brightened the room was on a dark November night. "What have you done to this place? There is usually no light that comes into these quarters until..." "Summer? I have only applied scrap clear paper onto the windows. The colour of the snow will infuse itself onto the paper window layers and it will bring light to the room, reducing our wastage of candles, especially in the winter." "Wastage of candles? Why should you care about such a thing?" "I am living in a home full of strangers that I am indebted to for my life and I make no contribution to the household. Of course I must care about such things. This can work when it rains as well; even though candle wastage may not be a problem for you, it will save your money for more important things, like the books that you study...or an increase for your food portions...or you can...donate to charity..."

She must have entered my study whilst I was busy elsewhere, and made her own observations before finally conversing with me after all this time. I could understand why she would do that in her position, but for her to notice details about my life so carefully...made me feel a little embarrassed to be honest. To the point where I wanted to just walk out, but I couldn't. I could never treat her the way that I had treated her brother. And after the crime that I had committed in order to save both of the Seo siblings, I had to get used to my new company, whether I liked it or not.