The Love They Never Had

I really had no idea what had come over me when I said all of those things that I did, it was like I was momentarily possessed by the person that I used to be. How could I have possibly had the nerve to tell my senior what to do? And why did I get so angry at him? I must have completely lost my mind this time and could only hope that he didn't hate me too much. As much as I wanted answers for my past, I couldn't do it without him, no matter what...tensions we had between us that even I couldn't understand. But the Young Master had locked me in, and as far as I knew, the banquet was still going on. So I just tried not to bother him so much but at the same time I felt bad about just eating their food, dressing in their clothes and just living there without earning my keep, so I did at least continue to serve them tea throughout the day. And before I knew it, I was taking every chance I could get to observe him whenever I could. He was a very self-managed man; trained all morning, studied all night and drank even later into the night until morning. But he was lonely; he had no one here to ask after him, to make sure he was eating well or if he was warm at night or someone to heal his wounds. He was clearly somebody who poured his heart and soul into everything he did, although he didn't have anybody by his side to spend his time with here. But all I seemed to do was either make a fool of myself since I found it hard to talk to him properly...or I made things weird between us. Every time I talked to him our bond felt stronger but yet we had to keep our distance between us. I thought I could handle it at first, but as time passed I found myself wanting to be around him more and more. I thought it would be to observe him purely to regain my memories but...but there was something about what had happened between us that wouldn't let me rest. Why didn't he tell me off? Why didn't he push me off of him? Why didn't he punish me or accuse me of seducing him like everyone else did? Exactly how close were we? If I didn't get him to answer at least one of these questions then I could never rest in peace and just focus on trying to survive under this roof for as longs I could. But there was no way for me to escape with the guards patrolling the only door that I had. I could only wait for Dal to show up and find some way for me to sneak out and apologise to the Young Master before he went away for god only knows how long. And when he finally arrived, the very first thing that I did was to go into the kitchen and make him tea and some snacks to hopefully appease him. I only stepped outside of the kitchen for a minute to fix my attire, only to come back to the kitchen and see that my tray had been taken away by a maid that I had never seen before. She looked to be younger than me and she was certainly very pretty, but there was just something about her confident demeanour that peaked my curiosity. So I followed her, only to have my heart sink into my stomach when I realised that she was really going into the Young Master's study.

"...I shall return to my work in the garden, Young Master..." "my father's courtyard is already full of flowers, but I lack some in my own quarters. I will talk to your Master and have you stay here to serve me. You may even become my concubine if you are lucky enough."Turn back, turn around and leave him alone. Stop worrying about him so much, he is a fully grown man who has taken care of himself so far. No matter what happens between them, is it none of your business. He is within his rights to have...female entertainment and you are an epileptic orphan with nothing to offer. He only favoured you so you could help him and you know it. Who knows what will happen between you when he comes home after the war? Just let nature take its course and turn around now, do not forget that nobody in this world can truly look after you like you can alone. "...Thank you, Young Master. Then my arrangements..." "you may return to your Master for now, or you may stay here tonight and I shall talk to my father." "Do you need anything else, Young Master?" "I will call for you if I will, don't you worry about that." The way he was conversing with this woman was unlike anything that I had witnessed before, but I had only been here for a short while now, so what did I really know about him? And I had no idea why it was upsetting me this much to the point where I felt tears running down face, but I had to get out of there before I made a fool of myself. The very last thing that I needed was the Young Master to change his mood again and rub this in my face...but yet again, this move of his just didn't make sense at all. It didn't take a genius to know that the Young Master didn't, couldn't and wouldn't trust anyone, so why would he lower his guard to take on a lowly maid as a concubine? That he probably just met today? Why was this man such a mystery? Why couldn't I read him like I read everyone else so clearly?

It took me all of my strength to return to my quarters where Nam Jeon was conversing with the very same maid that entered the Young Master's study. I tried my best to be inconspicuous, but I still wanted to at least catch a glimpse of the man who I could't help but feel that was trying to set up the Young Master. But when I did, I almost instantly got a piercing headache that was so bad that I couldn't help but to collapse to the ground and almost scream in pain if I didn't cover my mouth in time and almost crawl back to my quarters just as everyone had left. I quickly undressed myself and got into bed as I tried to figure out exactly what just happened to me. Why did I react like that when I saw his face? Did I know him? And how comes I reacted like that to him and not the young master?

"...you are and always will be lowlife scum. Do not even think about competing with someone like me! I am a legitimate son from a noble family that can trace his bloodline back to at least 5 centuries! And you? What do you have you..." those were the words that kept coming to mind whenever I thought about the man who was giving his servant away, but I could not for the life of me remember when he said his and who he was saying this to. I just remembered that I was there when he said that in what looked like an alleyway in the marketplace, so there was a chance that he was talking to me? Directly at me? And he was insulting me, so I could only presume that we were enemies. But I had no way to know if this was the actual truth or not, but there was somebody who did. And I wanted to see the Young Master and ask him, but it was already late at night and that was not the only thing that I had to tell him. Every single night since that failed ambush, I had been reliving the same vision that I saw in the water, of the boy calling for me to help him. It wasn't consistent at first, but now it had been happening for the past two weeks and I didn't know what to do. The only reason that the Young Master saved me in the first place was the fact that we apparently knew each other, and he himself made out as if we had been around each other quite a lot. I could put my pride to the side for at least a little while and I could speak to him again, but what about this 'new maid' that he had? Wasn't I supposed to keep a low profile here? That was my only condition for staying here and it was the only reason why I was allowed outside only one day a month...

Hours had gone by and I was still stuck on what to do; the Nam's were due to leave in a few hours and I had to find a way to confess this to the Young Master without him hating me for what I had said to him. But as soon as the sunlight pierced its way through my windows, I had decided to get up and get dressed and hope that the Young Master hadn't gotten too drunk last night. But all the way to his quarters I couldn't stop hearing about the rumours of this new maid that lit up the entire household. "Have you heard about the new maid? Apparently, the young master has taken a liking to her...apparently she will become a concubine...well it isn't uncommon for noblemen like the young master to take in a maid...apparently he really likes her a lot...does she have any talents?...apparently she can sing a little...what a novelty...but Chun-Ae really isn't happy about it at all...they are of the same rank and she's out for blood now...and after what happened at the banquet, she knows that her days here are coming to an end...it doesn't matter how many years that you put into a place, you are nothing if you aren't favoured like the young mistress...well if he can like her, that means that anyone of us has a chance then..."

Just ignore it and move on, it isn't like you can change his mind, just tell him what you know and just hope for the best Yeonnie. I still had a mind to ask the Young Master, if it wasn't for the maid who was sitting next to him as he slept in prettier clothes just like mine. She even wore similar accessories to mine to be honest and even her hairstyle...no, how on earth could this be? I was seeing things, I had to be. The Young Master taking in a concubine was one thing, but having her dress exactly like me was a weird and a little too much for me to handle, especially as she was going around and giving orders to the Young Master's servants as if she was some sort of princess. "...come and shell these walnuts for me since you have nothing to do, slave. And do it with your bare hands." "My Lady, I am afraid that I cannot shell them even until my own hands crack." "You have been a diligent servant to the Young Master, so when he wants some walnuts, what is the big deal about cracking your own hands? You are just a servant after all and it is your job to serve him."

No matter how cruel she was, being cruel to the exact same servants that she had left behind in order to climb up the social ranks in a noble man's bed was a new level of low. I didn't even know my own position in this household, so as much as I really did not want to do this, I had to see Nam-Jeon and ask him how to proceed with this new maid/concubine that the Young Master had.

"Come in." The Lord replied when I knocked on his door. He was already dressed in his military attire and he was in the middle of having his servants pack his things and serve him his breakfast, which he always had in his office. He never joined his son as mealtimes and we all just ended up having our meals in our rooms all of the time, which was pretty unusual for a family, but at this point I was starting to get used to it. "My Lord..." "And just where have you been?" "Excuse me?" "You haven't been paying your respects to me lately. I hope that you are not the type to bite the hands that feeds you." "If you truly have respect in your heart, is it really necessary to pay respects everyday? Even amongst the ones who do, how do you know who really means it or not?" "Who dares to gives me false respect?" "So do you just take it at face value if someone pays you respect?" "You are just as wilful, untamed and just as arrogant as..." "As who?" "Never you mind, it isn't like you would remember anyways. What do you want?" "I just wanted to wish you good luck on your travels. And how am I to proceed with the new concubine that you son has taken in? Do I stay out of her way, or can I walk around freely in this home in your absence?" "You stay out of her sight as much as you can. But I cannot hide you from her forever; I have told her that you are a distant cousin of my son's who is staying with us after the passing of your parents." "Why can we no just tell her the truth...." "I will tell the maid anything I wish to under my roof, do you understand me? You will never question me again, do you hear? Now get out and stay out of my son's sight until he is ready to depart. Do not distract him on this important day." "Do not worry, I will never distract him from his work, I can promise you that."