The Impeccable Adventure of the Reluctant Dungeon

“People of this town!” Lord Mandrake said, his voice amplified a hundred-fold by the magic device in his airship. Unfortunately, that only made it sound even more high-pitched and squeaky. “Good job on getting rid of my useless goblins. I meant to do that all along! They were weak, dragging me back! You actually did me a favor.”

Only the sound of the wind could be heard in response. Every combat capable person was standing at the walls of Rosewind—Theo’s walls—gripping bows and crossbows as they waited for the inevitable invasion. Several messengers had been sent to request help from larger nearby towns and cities. The chances of any of them succeeding were between slim and none. Two had been killed moments after leaving the city, and the two that survived weren’t going to reach their destinations in less than a day. By then there was no guarantee that the town would remain standing.

Unlike the goblin raids of the previous day, this operation was meticulously thought out. The airships were spread out, forming three rings around Rosewind. Lord Mandrake was aware of the defense capabilities of the dungeon, including the ballistas and the new lightning spell. The latter wasn’t going to be efficient either way, since all of the dirigibles were made of anti-magic alloy, capable of repelling any magic. And just for good measure, the gnome had ordered a demon aboard every airship on the innermost ring.

“In my grand benevolence, I am willing to give you a chance!” the gnome went on. “Everyone who walks out of town now will be safely placed on a ship and taken care of. I will absolutely guarantee all your lives. Maybe it won’t be a life you’re used to, especially for the less hardworking of you, still you’ll receive food, water, and a lot of activity, but most important of all, you’ll have the knowledge that you helped the birth of the great Mandrake Empire—the empire that would spread all over the world and—”

“That’s a really dumb name!” someone interrupted.

In the command room of his airship, the gnome’s ears twitched. He recognized that voice, it was the voice of the entity he had traveled all this distance to destroy.

“Did you try saying that out loud?” Theo laughed.

“The Mandrake Empire is a magnificent name!” Lord Mandrake snapped. “Poets will write ballads about it for years! Every syllable streams majesty! If you had any taste, you’d see that!”

“It’s as crap as your first hideout. Was that majestic too?”

The sound of gnashing teeth filled the air. Despite his vast intellect, Lord Mandrake was surprisingly easy to annoy, especially by things that messed up his plans. There was no reason for him to be. After all, the odds were overwhelmingly in his favor. Even with the new ballistas the dungeon had erected, there was no possible way for him to lose. At most, he’d sacrifice the inner ring of airships to reduce every building to rubble, and when that was done, he’d proceed to dig out the dungeon and shatter its core. And still, the gnome couldn’t help but feel afraid. Dungeons were by nature cunning, and this one seemed to be more cunning than any other so far. If there was something he could pull out of its sleeve, it would.

“If you think your puny attempt to upset me will work, think again!” the gnome said.

“Are you sure?” Theo shouted back.

“The only reason I’m talking to you is because it would be a waste to throw away so many good workers. A town like this would do a lot better than the scraps I had managed to collect back in my previous base of operations. Here, things should move a lot faster. A few weeks after I destroy this insignificant town, and you along with it, I’ll make a new city, one that rises to the sky and marks the start of a new age!”

“The Mandrake Age?”

“Yes! The Mandrake…” the gnome frowned. “Very funny.”

“It’s not difficult. Anything else to offer?”

“Tell you what. Surrender and I’ll spare everyone else. I might even spare you if you apologize.”

“Isn’t that cute? Can I think about it?”

“You have ten minutes!”

At first, Lord Mandrake felt victorious, but soon the sensation faded, replaced by suspicion and then concern. Ten minutes was way too long. A world of things could happen. Or maybe that was the point.

The gnome jumped off the extremely large control chair and rushed out of the room. Something was going down. The dungeon wouldn’t have engaged in this verbal sparring match if it wasn’t. Whatever it was, though, Lord Mandrake was going to make sure that it didn’t affect his plans.

Meanwhile, down in the city, Theo was desperately trying to come up with a way to survive the inevitable attack, preferably along with the rest of the city. He had already used up all the materials and core points at his disposal—keeping a moderate reserve for the battle itself, naturally—and had beefed up as much of the defenses as possible. Due to the looming danger, Theo had followed Spok’s advice and moved his core further down, beneath his main building. Hopefully, it was going to be a temporary thing. Either that, it wouldn’t even matter.

“What spell are you using exactly?” Lady Amelia asked, petting Theo’s rabbit.

The noblewoman had gotten quite used to the main building in the time since the first goblin raid. If anything, she had started feeling too much at home. It didn’t help that Spok kept the drink always magically stocked.

“It’s a proprietary spell,” the dungeon replied. “I can’t say more.”

“A hidden spell? Nice. Father told me about those. One of the towers that did business with him was very big on hidden spells. Will it be enough to take care of Mandrake’s fleet? There are a lot of them.”

Theo sighed internally. That was one more thing that he didn’t approve of. When had told Spok to get the duke’s daughter on his side, he didn’t mean creating her own personal scrying crystal ball. Judging by how at ease she was with using one, Theo was almost certain that he had several back home using them like a medieval entertainment system.

“I’m sure it’s all part of the baron’s plan,” Spok entered the room. One stern look from her was enough to get both Lady Amelia and Maximilian to instantly straighten up. “Have you been feeding him again, my lady?”

“No! Of course not!”

Spok narrowed her eyes a fraction, let out a slight hmm, then made her way to the couch, then looked into her own crystal ball. When Amelia tried to peek in, she calmly stopped the image.

“The mage tower sends their regrets, but they aren’t in condition to send anything against the current fleet,” Spok said.

“They heard about the anti-magic coating?” Theo asked.

“They learned about the anti-magic coating.” She nodded.

“What about the adventurers? The hero guild? Duke Godon’s troops?”

“Cmyk, or Sir Myk,” she said in mocking fashion, “has already organized the local adventurers. Earl Rosewind has made several requests for a hero to assist, with little success, and the duke is holding you personally responsible for putting his daughter in danger.”

“Yeah, father is like that,” Lady Amelia agreed.

“Unfortunately, the troops he has sent won’t arrive here anytime soon.”

“So, we can’t rely on them either.”

That significantly reduced the options at Theo’s disposal. Thanks to the support provided by the goddess Peris, he would be able to hold off a few airships, possibly a few dozen, but not all of them. Despite everything else, the gnome was smart, extremely good at resource management, and had an abundance of airships. All Theo had were seven remaining minutes.

Using his observatory, he took a good look at the carriers on that side of the city. They were somewhat smaller than the one his avatar had snatched, more oval, and a lot shinier. It was almost as if they had been brand new, possibly part of the fleet that Lord Mandrake was building to conquer the world. If that were the case…

“Your time is up!” Lord Mandrake’s voice echoed throughout the air.

“You said I had ten minutes!” Theo shouted back.

“I changed my mind! Since everyone is obsessed with staying in this town, they’ll die with it!”

“Won’t that be a waste?”

“Some losses are inevitable. I’ll make up for it from the surrounding villages. Better prepare yourself!”

The inner ring of carriers began moving forward. In response, the dungeon adjusted his ballistas. If it came to a showdown, he planned on taking a few of the airships along. Silence filled the world, everyone tensely waited for the moment of impact. The earl had barricaded himself in his castle, taking most of the townsfolk there as well. Some of the nobles preferred to remain in their fortified mansions in the center of the city, possibly believing they wouldn’t be targeted there. The streets and squares were empty, most of the shops were barred with only the most eccentric shopkeepers remaining close to their products.

“Get ready, men!” Lieutenant Ribbons said from the town wall. With his captain taking care of the earl’s safety, Ribbons had been made de facto commander of the defense efforts. Him and—against any possible logic—Cmyk. The minion had literally not done anything but party and buy things since arriving to Rosewind, and yet had managed to create an intricate backstory full of mystique, intrigue, and chivalry.

“What do you think, sir Myk?” an adventurer asked. “Have you seen anything like this before?”

The minion looked at the woman addressed him, then back at the approaching airships.

“What am I asking?” She shook her head. “Of course you have. It’s probably just another day for you. You and your boss can really be scary sometimes.”

“This is your last chance!” Lord Mandrake’s voice echoed, amplified by several airships. “Walk out of town and I’ll guarantee your life.”

Same as before, no one did.

“Alright. Nice knowing you.”

Suddenly segments of the hull slid off one of the airships. Massive triple harpoon guns emerged on each side. On close inspection, Theo saw that they weren’t mere harpoon guns, but had a chain of massive arrows attached to the side. The pesky gnome had managed to create a harpoon gun repeater and those projectiles were large, even larger than those of the dungeon’s balliastas.

The airship moved forward from the rest, then opened fire. Bolts the size of buildings split the air with great intensity. The first few hit the ground fifty feet from the wall, with each next moving closer. The last half dozen not only managed to reach the wall, but punctured it as if it were made of jelly.

Soldiers ran along the wall, rushing away from the affected section. Naturally, it didn’t crumble. Theo saw to that, although he had to admit that the sensation of having massive anti-magic bolts sticking from him wasn’t appealing.

“Spok, can I consume those?” he asked out of habit. No sooner had he done so than he realized his mistake—his spirit guardian wasn’t alone.

“Consume?” Lady Amelia asked.

“It is possible to convert them to magic,” Spok quickly added, resolving the situation. “However, it would come at a cost.”

“A cost that I can afford?”

“For the time being, yes, but not for long. Mana doesn’t grow on trees, sir.”

More airships went through their transformation, arming themselves with the devastating weapons. That was enough for the dungeon to make a decision. Several decisions, in fact. For starters, the section of the wall instantly consumed the bolts, transforming them into a metal coating on the front of the wall. Since Theo knew the properties of the bolts, he knew what thickness would be optimal to fend against further attacks.

The second decision was to go on the offensive; specifically, to launch the only ammunition he had in abundance.

Large chimney-like constructs emerged from the town, aimed at the approaching airships. One would say that they had the appearance of cannons only made out of stone. That was indeed what they were, shooting projectiles of living slimes at the enemy.

In moments, three airships had their fronts completely covered in slime. While not magical, the slimes had the annoying ability to corrode flesh as well as seep through even the smallest holes. Splat after splat, they hit the hull of the airships. Some dripped off, falling victim to gravity, but others managed to make their way inside the carrier, where a feast of goblins awaited. Given the nature of the creatures, experienced adventurers would have had difficulty defeating one, let alone a pack of goblins of questionable intelligence.

First the airships stopped shooting, then they stopped advancing, and finally they fell to the ground with a loud thump. Apparently, the slimes were capable of consuming more than just goblins.

“All carriers attack!” Lord Mandrake shouted.

Projectiles launched on all sides. Metal bolts rained onto the town just as slimes and ballista bolts flew in the opposite direction. Theo’s energy and core points dipped as he consumed as many bolts as possible, covering the wall and other parts of himself with a thick layer of metal. Unfortunately, that wasn’t remotely enough to stop the damage. While some of the following bolts bounced off, others tore through the metal, requiring him to use even more core points to patch up the damage. While ninety percent of his energy and core point reserves remained in effect, the number was decreasing fast, not to mention there were whole parts of Rosewind that weren’t protected. In the town itself, bolts pierced through entire houses, pinning them like a toothpick through a sandwich. Nothing was immune, even the temple of the goddess.

Crap, the dungeon thought. That was something else he’d have to repair later on… if there was a later on. Paris had offered him moral support, but as a deity, there was only so much she could do. Other than providing advice and blessings, she didn’t have the power to take sides directly in a battle, even if it meant losing her temple.

Thankfully, since Lord Mandrake was being methodical about this, most of the devastation was occurring on the outer sections of the town.

“Are we safe here?” Lady Amelia asked.

“As much as possible,” Theo grumbled.

“What the baron wanted to say is that this mansion has the best magical protection in the whole of Rosewind.”

It was incredible how much could be achieved by adding the word magic to anything, even when it didn’t make any sense. Pleased with the answer, the duke’s daughter nodded and kept observing the battle in her crystal ball. As for the magic, while technically it was true that the entire building was constructed using magic, that didn’t provide any better protection than the reinforced walls. While there were multiple ways of creating magic shields, that was more of a human, or avatar, skill. And even if it wasn’t, magic was only able to block so much. If Theo’s avatar was hit by one of the flying horrors that Lord Mandrake’s ships kept launching, his aether shield would shatter, barely slowing the projectile down a bit.

Two and a half minutes of extreme intensity seemed to drag on for hours, as if the chrono lich had cast one of his spells on the area. To everyone, it seemed that there was no end in sight. With devastation on both sides of the wall, the only thing that the defenders of the city could do was hope to remain alive. Naturally, the dungeon lent an invisible hand now and then. On quite a few occasions, people would trip in something that wasn't there before, only to avoid a direct bolt hit, or the ground would unexpectedly collapse beneath them just moments before the entire section of the wall was transformed into a pincushion. A few of the soldiers started asking questions, but an explanation was quickly found: “Magic.” After all, it was a well-known fact that Baron d’Argent was a world famous mage, probably the head of a mage tower, who had come to Rosewind to enjoy his retirement. Of course, he’d use magic to protect the city as a favor to his childhood friend Earl Rosewind.

The more Theo listened to the explanations, the less they made sense, but as long as they helped him achieve what he wanted, he didn’t particularly care. One thing he was extremely thankful for was that despite the vigorous attempt to destroy him, Lord Mandrake hadn’t openly called him a dungeon. This way, at least he had a chance of surviving, should he remain alive after the end of the raid.

When the final iron bolt was launched, and the last slime propelled at the incoming airships, an eerie quiet filled the air. Over two dozen airships had fallen on the ground, becoming permanent landmarks of the area. The rest of the first ring were depleted and useless. Meanwhile, Rosewind had acquired more metal than it ever had. Roughly a seventh of the buildings—all part of Theo—had effectively turned from stone to metal, and even that wasn’t anywhere nearly enough to consume a fraction of the metal projectiles scattered around. The worst part was that the attack had breached the outer walls in several areas. Fixing it was possible, but the dungeon preferred to keep a large reserve of energy and core points for the next phase of the attack. After all, repairs could be done at any time, but once spent, there was no getting the core points back.

“Do you think it’s over?” a guard asked Cmyk at the wall.

“Can’t you see there are more airships behind?” Ulf grumbled at the unfortunate rookie. “Think before you waste Myk’s time.”

“Sorry…” The guard looked away, embarrassed.

“I’ll bet that they reorganize,” Ulf went on. “The ones in front will move back, then rearm, while the next row will move forward. Three rows, each larger than the last.”

“Gods…” The rookie shivered.

“How do you know so much, Ulf?” another adventurer asked.

“An uncle of mine served under a big time general. Those were the tactics he’d use, though he didn’t use airships. As he used to say, war was simple back in the day.”

“Everything was simple back in the day.”

Theo couldn’t agree more.

Just as Ulf suggested, the front airships moved back. Navigating between the rest, they created a new ring behind all the rest. The second ring had become the first, but to everyone’s surprise, they didn’t progress forward, but slowly floated down to the ground. The sides of the hull moved up, but instead of harpoon guns, what came out was a vast number of goblins, trolls, and gnomework automatons.

“Did your uncle say anything about that?” the adventurer asked Ulf.

The hundreds became thousands, the thousands—tens of thousands. Each small army was led by a demon with crimson wings and glowing red armor.

Theo had no idea what the real strength of the local adventurers was. As far as he was concerned, they were a bunch of drunkards that constantly dragged Cmyk to taverns. Since his initial arrival in Rosewind, he hadn’t seen a single one of them set off on a mission of any sort, even to hunt monsters or particularly large animals. While it was possible that a few of them could take on a demon or two, defeating several dozen was highly unlikely.

“As you can see, I’ve thought of every detail,” the gnome said triumphantly from his airship. “Even if you repair the wall, and I know you could, I’ll just drill it full of holes again, while my large and vastly improved army storms your town. Bet you feel stupid now, huh? If only you had surrendered, all this could have been avoided.” There was a short pause. “Well, okay, it couldn’t have been avoided, but you’d have become part of the Great Mandrake Empire. Now, you can only contemplate your life decisions in regret and—”

“The city is protected by a goddess!” Theo shouted back.

There was another pause, this one far longer than the past. Seconds went on, turning into a minute.

“Ha!” The gnome finally reacted. “As if! You’re lying!”

“Nope. There is one.”

“Your small and insignificant town has nothing, but an old deserted shack that could have passed as a temple. When I destroy it, I’ll build a far better temple. No! I’ll build dozens of temples, all dedicated to myself, and prove that Lord Mandrake is the greatest, most powerful, and smartest ruler that has graced all existence!”

That’s a bit much, Theo thought. Even for a megalomaniac, the gnome was going too far. Still, as long as he was talking he wasn’t attacking, and that let the dungeon prepare. Spending a third of all remaining core points, Theo constructed a new underground section, going beyond his current bounds. This was going to be a temporary installment, of course. Once it had done its role, the dungeon planned to stop maintaining it with mana, causing it to effectively dissolve into nothingness. That was one thing that still bothered him. He had asked Spok to provide additional explanations on the matter, but the spirit guide had kept on stating definitions as if they were fact, without revealing the reasons for them. Apparently, even spirit guides had their limitations.

The gnome’s speech continued for a few minutes more, culminating in maniacal high-pitched laughter that would make a cat’s ears bleed. The instant it was over, all the armies surrounding Rosewing charged forward. Like ants closing in on a grain of sugar.

Looking at them, Theo calculated the number of levels his avatar would increase by, if only it were here. On the other hand, if some of Lord Mandrake’s minions dropped a few cores, that would allow Theo to patch up somewhat. Ultimately, it was all a matter of timing and resource management.

“Stand firm!” Lieutenant Ribbons shouted. “There’s nowhere to hide. Our only chance is to meet them on the walls and stop as many of them as we—”

Suddenly, a second wall rose up from the ground, a wall of stone spikes that pierced through demons, trolls, and goblins alike. In a single instant, thousands were destroyed, with many more blocked from proceeding forward.

The action was a huge gamble—constructing and increasing the second wall cost Theo almost all existing core points. Thankfully, it paid off, as the cores released by the creatures were more than enough to fill his reserves, and even allowed for some wall fixes as well.

“What?!” the gnome shouted. “My demons. How did you destroy my demons?!? They’re supposed to be invulnerable!”

“I told you that there was a goddess protecting Rosewind!” Theo gloated. “The tip of every spike was individually blessed so it can easily kill off any demon.”

“Oh, how very clever… unless that was my plan all along! I wanted you to create a new wall! This way, I won’t have to build it myself once I take over the town!”

Every person on the wall rolled their eyes. It was obvious that Lord Mandrake was making up things to save himself the humiliation that just happened. While the numbers were still vastly on his side, there was no denying that he had lost a monstrous amount already.

“Stop laughing!” Lord Mandrake shouted. “You think you think you’re the only one with surprises? I have one of my own!”

The third ring of airships began their transformation. Like bolt guns emerged on the side, similar to the first ones in the battle, but with one difference. This time, when they flew forward, they didn’t pierce the outer wall, but disintegrated it, exploding on impact. Hundreds of blasts roared, shaking the entire town and every building in it. Once the smoke had settled, the outer wall, and a large part of the surrounding ground, was gone.

“What do you think now? Still think you can win? Well? Nothing to say?”

The dungeon didn’t respond.

“A pity,” Lord Mandrake said. “Guess that’s it, then?”

Before Theo could answer, an airship zoomed in from nowhere, crashing into a cluster of others, sending them flying off like billiard balls. Now, finally, the dungeon’s avatar had returned home. All it had to do was fight its way through the army of enemy minions. With the help of a hero and twelve elite fighters, that wasn’t supposed to be difficult… or was it?