The Impeccable Adventure of the Reluctant Dungeon

Sleeping was bliss. It was the first time since he’d moved to Rosewind that Theo managed to get a proper night’s sleep. Normally, it wouldn’t be considered much—barely twelve hours—but it was a time during which he had the luxury of not thinking about the recent complications of life. Also, this was a time to dream… to dream of the furniture he had lost; and while Theo dreamed, parts of him were restored.

It was an unusual process, similar to hiccupping during one’s sleep. Each time the dungeon regained enough energy to recreate an item, the item would pop up. The Spirit guide would make sure that it had the exact same appearance and location it had before. However, since the items were based on energy requirements, the order was not what one might have imagined. Table ornaments would appear on the floor, patiently waiting for the larger objects they used to be placed on to appear. Thin books—most often, volume threes—would emerge standing on their lonesome.

Meanwhile, Theo’s avatar also slept like a log… with a chainsaw in it. The snoring was so bad that it de-mesmerized the villagers surrounding it. At one point, when all the villagers were up—and Liandra had explained the situation—no one could bear the terrible noise coming from the avatar any longer. With a violent shake and a delicate shove in the stomach, Theo was woken up.

“What happened?” Both the dungeon and its avatar snapped into reality. “Is it over now?”

Still drowsy, both spoke in sync. It was only when it became apparent that the dungeon was looking at two completely different things that it regained its composure. Back in Rosewind, Theo did a quick inspection of his state. Pleased with the partial progress, and displeased that Cmyk had run off to have fun in town again, it rearranged the furniture items to its liking, then focused on the energy regained, as if it were a progress bar. As for his avatar…

“Did the place explode?” He turned around, expecting to see a cone of smoke and rivers of lava. The only thing visible was a large hole in the side of the mountain.

“And good morning to you too,” the heroine shook her head. “Feeling better?”

That was a difficult question to answer. With a considerable part of energy regained, the dungeon felt considerably better, at least to the point it didn’t have to worry about its existence. On the other hand, the state of the avatar left a lot to be desired. While Theo’s hair and skin was immaculate as ever, the clothes he was wearing were reduced to rags. It didn’t help that he also had just one boot left.

“I’ve been better,” he grumbled. “What happened while I was out?”

“That happened.” Liandra pointed at the vast number of people surrounding them. “With Lord Mandrake’s stronghold destroyed, the villagers returned to their normal selves. A bit faster than expected, too, thanks to your snoring,” she added with a smirk.

For some reason, that made Theo uncomfortable.

“And Lord Mandrake himself?”

“Escaped.” The heroine’s features hardened. “He got most of his army on the flying things and disappeared westward.”

“Oh.” That was bad news. Theo’s secret was still out there, and by the sound of it, catching up to the army was going to be a chore. Normally, he’d not hesitate to use his aether bubble transport method. Being so low on energy, though, he preferred not to. “At least his labs are destroyed, so he won’t be able to make more.”

The avatar stood up and looked around. Other than the mountain and the vast crowds of people, there was nothing to see. That presented two immediate problems, or rather three, considering the state of his main body. On the one hand, Theo had to find a way to reach the evil gnome as quickly as possible. On the other hand, he had to do something with all the people here. For the moment they were still in shock, so not prone to questions. Given time, though, they’d start bothering him with the trivialities of life, such as food, sleep, and shelter. Theo was far too familiar with the pyramid of needs from the job in his previous life to see where this was going. Finally, he had to properly fix himself up, and also expand.

“Spok,” he began in his main body. “Is there a way to gain energy faster?”

Other than consuming cores? No, not particularly. The spirit guide hesitated. Well, there’s one way, but it might not be very appropriate.

“Just tell me.” The dungeon grumbled. For some reason, the destruction of his furniture had also awakened a deep desire for him to expand in size as well.

You could gain energy from heroes and adventurers.

The thought of that struck Theo like a lightning bolt. Strictly speaking, that was the normal way dungeons acquired energy. Well, one of the ways.

With Cmyk being so well liked, it would be easy for him to get enough adventurers for you to consume. With luckؙ—

“No!” Theo said firmly. “I’m not consuming adventurers! This whole mess started because of that old geezer, who—”

You don’t have to kill them, sir, Spok quickly added. Just consume part of their energy. There’s a tradition of dungeons letting adventurers feast within them for weeks in order to gain as much energy as possible. Of course, they would usually devour them in the end, but you don’t have to.

“Hmm.” Theo didn’t seem particularly convinced.

If done in moderation, all they’ll feel is a slight hangover. I’ll see to it that no one is harmed.

“Forget it! Any other options?”

Well... Spok sighed in the disgruntled fashion of an employee who had a brilliant idea shot down. You could always expand down, like a typical low-level dungeon. Build diggers, create more energy collecting rooms… It won’t be as efficient, since there’s nothing good beneath towns and cities, but it’s possible.

That sounded a lot better.

“Do I have enough energy for that?”

Normally you’d be the one doing those calculations, sir. My main role is only to guide you, not to—

“I’m giving you the authority to take care of that,” Theo said, casually waving a few doors within him. “Just leave me enough energy to cast a few spells now and again.”

In your case, a few hardly applies, the spirit guide whispered.

“Anyway, I’m promoting you to caretaker! Deal with the energy problems, while I focus on the more important stuff.”

C-caretaker? Spok stuttered. This was the first time in the history of dungeons that a spirit guide was given such an important role. Being a caretaker was far more important than any dungeon boss could hope to be. In fact, that was the most important position after the dungeon itself.

“Is there a problem?”

No, no problem whatsoever! It’s just rather unexpected. I never imagined I…

“Look, you’ve done a great job so far, and your contributions haven’t remained unnoticed. I’ve been keeping an eye on you from the start, and think it’s time you get some more responsibilities. You deserve it.”

Most of what was said was nothing but cliché manager speak. Theo knew how to use it, and had seen it used dozens of times back in his previous life. As far as the spirit guide was concerned, though, this was the highest praise one could possibly get.

Of course, sir! Thank you, sir! I’ll get on it right away!

Well, at least that takes care of that, Theo thought. Now, though, he had a whole other mess to deal with.

“So, what do we do now?” Theo’s avatar asked Liandra. “I take it we can’t walk to where we were before arriving here?”

The woman shook her head.

“Do you even know where we are in relation to Rosewind?”

“I have a basic idea. It’ll take us three weeks to get anywhere close. And that’s assuming we walk at a steady pace. With the number of children and elderly here, I’d say it’ll be longer.”

Of course it would, Theo thought.

“And even if we get there, it won’t be any help. All the houses, the livestock, and everything else is gone, buried in what’s left of Lord Mandrake’s stronghold.”

“What’s our solution, then?”

“I’ve already sent a message to the hero guild asking for assistance. Hopefully, some of them are free to lend a hand.”

“Are heroes that busy?”

“You have no idea…” Liandra let out a deep sigh. “If it wasn’t for stuff with my father, I’d have never been able to find time for this. Heroes are in huge demand. Still, it’s a good thing we got to come here. Otherwise, we would never have stumbled on Lord Mandrake until it was too late.”

“Yeah…” Good wasn’t the word Theo would use. “So, we just wait?”

“Pretty much. I can send a few more letters to the nearby rulers, have them provide some assistance. Of course, that would come at a price.”

“Gold is not an issue,” Theo’s avatar quickly said. Having the ability to spin gold out of straw, it was the last thing on his mind. “I can pay for the expenses once I get back to Rosewind.”

“That’s actually a great idea. I’ll chip in as well.”

The avatar narrowed his eyes.

“Spok, what is the usual financial standing of heroes?” he asked back in Rosewind.

That very much depends on what part of their life you’re talking about, sir. Starting heroes are incredibly poor. Established ones could be called well-off, but most of their money is tied up into equipment and items they need for their job. Successful retired heroes, on the other hand, are exceedingly wealthy.

That meant that for all intents and purposes, Liandra wouldn’t be much of a financial assistance.

“Any chance we can drop the people off in a nearby kingdom, then get back to chasing the evil gnome?” the avatar asked. “Just to make sure he doesn’t cause any further problems elsewhere, of course.”

“Depends. Having an entire town pop up isn’t standard practice. I suppose it could be done, but it’ll be a huge burden on the local nobles.”

“Why them?”

“The ruler isn’t likely to take care of the day-to-day affairs of every town and city in his domain. That’s for the local nobles to deal with. And having a whole new town pop up on your doorstep comes with its problems.”

“You don’t say…” The metaphorical gears in Theo’s mind were turning. This whole latest mess started because of Earl Rosewind. If he hadn’t sent off Theo to deal with those thieves, this whole chain of events wouldn’t have started. It was only fair that the dungeon caused him a headache as well. “I think the solution is obvious,” he said with a wide smile. “We have them settle near Rosewind. After all, if we cannot help people in need, can we even call ourselves people?”

For several seconds, the avatar stood there, head held up high, chest puffed up. After a while, though, he noticed the complete silence that had formed. Hundreds of pairs of eyes were upon him, and that was not all! Hope shone in everyone’s eyes.

“You are a hero,” an old woman finally dared to speak. “Our salvation.”

Cheers erupted, filling the air.

“No, wait, I…” Theo tried to explain things, but it was too late. All he wanted to do was to cause problems to someone who had caused problems to him, and instead he had ended up a hero, of all things. This felt so wrong! “We must still be vigilant!” he shouted. Thankfully, this had the desired effect. “The evil Lord Mandrake might still have troops in the area. We haven’t survived all this to fall into another of his traps! Rest up well, for soon we set off!”

The excitement changed into a murmur of agreement, after which the villagers started the process of gathering into groups for the trip.

“You have spirit,” Liandra whispered to the avatar. “But your speeches need a lot of work.”

Theo felt outright insulted. In his previous life, he had spent years going through game scripts, including marketing announcements. Everyone knew perfectly well that cheese sold. There was no doubt about it. And if it worked there, it would surely work here. Then again, maybe he could tone down things just a bit.

“Do you have a plan?” the heroine asked the question that Theo dreaded.

“Of course I have a plan,” he replied, desperately searching for one. “You said you can send messages to people. How?”

“Heroic scrolls,” Liandra said. “Expensive, but they’re useful for times such as this. Strictly speaking, they should be used only when fighting powerful dungeons and arch-demons, but emergency also counts.”

“When fighting dungeons?” That caused some unease.

“If heroes get trapped in part of a dungeon, using this, they could ask for help, as well as send details about the traps and defenses they’ve encountered so far. That way, the next group of dungeon fighters won’t get hurt.”

Those sneaky, good for nothing cheaters! “Yes… that way they won’t get hurt,” the avatar said through gritted teeth. “Can you send anything other than a scroll?”

“Sure. I have a few enhanced scrolls that let me send items as well. A bit pricey, but always good to have one or two. What do you have in mind?”

This was a pivotal moment. There was something that could greatly boost Theo. However, doing it risked Liandra learning his secret. At the same time, delaying risked the gnome shooting its mouth off.

“There’s something I want to send to someone,” the avatar said after half a minute of pondering.

The heroine waited.

“Okay,” she said after no further explanations followed. “Any details?”

“It’s a bit complicated. Is there a way for me to send it without you knowing?”

Liandra arched a brow.

“It involves someone who might be in danger if it were known he’s involved in this. That’s why I prefer to send the item and the message myself without anyone knowing. No offense.”

In any world that would have been seen as a shady argument, to say the least. If they weren’t so far from civilization, this would have passed as a scam. Theo even pictured people using this excuse, then running off with the extremely expensive scroll and selling it off at half price. If he didn’t have his hay-to-gold magic, he definitely would have.

“Okay,” the heroine said and, without reserve, took out a glowing green scroll and handed it to the avatar.

Theo looked at it, then at Liandra.

“You’re giving it to me just like that?”

“Why not? You’ve already saved the life of everyone here at least once. If you say you need this, then I trust you need it. As long as the people get somewhere safe, fast. I don’t need to know the details.”

“Shouldn’t trust be earned?” Inexplicably, Theo felt incredibly guilty. Had she argued, he’d have gladly taken the scroll without remorse. Having it handed to him just like that, though, made him feel reluctant. “We’ve only known each other for a week…”

“As my father used to say, it’s deeds that earn trust, not time.” She shoved it into his hands. “Just take it. Do your stuff? I’ll organize the group a bit. Moving anywhere with two thousand people requires a bit of work.”

Theo watched her walk to a group of villagers—probably the elders—and started discussing something. He looked at the scroll again.

No time for hesitation, he told himself. None of this was his plan. He never wanted to become the savior of villages, and once this was over, he had every intention of never doing it again. Carefully, he untied the thin piece of string, keeping the scroll rolled up. Theo was hoping that once unrolled, the scroll would provide some instructions as to what to do. However, all he saw was a blank piece of parchment.

“Spok, do you know anything about heroic scrolls?” the dungeon asked back to his main body.

A fair bit, yes. They are a nuisance created a few centuries ago by a prominent mage tower. At first, they were only meant to be used by heroes, but gradually, anyone with the necessary funds was able to buy them for personal use. It’s interesting to note that current magical delivery spells were based on the same research.

“Are you telling me you could have sent me, you know, a blessed weapon without all this time?”

In theory, yes, but the mandrake mountains prevent magic from—

“You could have bought magic scrolls to send it with!” Theo shouted, causing doors to slam within the entire building. “Hell, you could have used the scroll to send me a scroll! That way, I could have returned and learned all the spells I need!”

There was a long moment of silence.

I did not think of that, the spirit guide admitted. But even if I had, it wouldn’t have been of any use. Heroic scrolls can’t be bought just by anyone. The hero guild has a near full monopoly over the items. What’s left is bought up by prominent adventurer guilds, kings, queens, and other high dignitaries.

“If it’s about the money, just make a few piles of gold.”

That’s the thing, sir. It isn’t. Well, it’s not only about the money. Each scroll is quite pricey, but there are very strict rules whom they could be sold to. If there weren’t, every person of questionable morals would be able to kill any ruler by using the scroll to send a vial of deadly poison.

Theo hadn’t thought of that. Considering that even anti-magic fields didn’t affect the scrolls, it was normal for them to be kept exclusive. Otherwise, there'll be all sorts of problems. For all he knew, heroes could keep sending things into him until he choked to death, if it was possible to choke a dungeon. Still, he had no intention of admitting that he was at fault.

“Nevermind,” the dungeon grumbled. “Just tell me how it’s used.”

You have a heroic scroll?

“Yes, I do. And I want to use it to send a demon core to myself.”

That should be fairly easy. Just wrap the core in the scroll and address it here.

There were a number of issues with those instructions. For starters, the core was larger than the scroll itself. Wrapping it was outright impossible. The most Theo could do was use some thread to tie the piece of parchment to the core. Hopefully, that would prove enough. But even if it did, he had no way of addressing it. Sure, he knew the name of the town and the plot of land he made his home, but would that be enough? Surely there had to be some GPS equivalent to ensure delivery?

“How exactly do I address it here?”

Just concentrate on where you want it to arrive. It must be a place you’ve been to. In this case, your study would be a perfect choice.

“Are you sure?” Theo remained unconvinced. “And the whole wrapping thing? The item is bigger than the parchment. If I tie the two together, would it work?”

It very well should. Unless you have the cheaper variety of heroic scrolls that are only used for messages.

“No, I have the good stuff.” Otherwise, things would get embarrassing very quickly. “You’re sure it will work?”

Most definitely.

The dungeon didn’t know what was worse: having Spok be hesitant about something or be completely certain about it. Given the lack of options, the best that Theo could hope for that all would turn out well.

After he made sure that no one was looking, the avatar took the demon heart core from his dimensional ring and placed it onto the glowing green parchment. Using a piece of thread from his clothes—they had suffered so much that a little more damage would hardly be noticeable—he tied both together. The core was then lifted in the air and given a hard shake, just to make sure no misshap would happen during transport. On the surface, everything seemed fine.

Now came the final part. It seemed by far the stupidest thing Theo had done, and since his reincarnation, he had done quite a few. Holding the core with both hands, he concentrated. Unsure what to focus on, he imagined the basement.

“Go there,” he whispered.

Hardly had the words been uttered than the parchment—along with the core—vanished with a flash from the avatar’s hand, only to reappear in the basement of his main body.

“Wow, it actually works—” Theo began, but was interrupted by a flash of red light.

CONGRATULATIONS!

You have consumed a heart core of the Demon Lord Kayinion!

Demon Lord Kayinion was known as the Butcher of the Gods, who dispatched over a dozen deities before being banished back into his realm. His presence alone had the power to corrupt even the most noble of heroes.

90,000,000 Core Points obtained.

News of your achievement shall be known throughout the entire continent.

“Enough with the news!” the dungeon snapped. Having all his deeds announced to the world—whatever that meant—wasn’t at all acceptable. In fact, it was outright dangerous. Maybe other dungeons enjoyed being on a leaderboard somewhere, but Theo only felt that put a bigger target on his back. The only positive was that there were no locations present.

SPACE PORTAL CREATION

Spend 200 energy to create a portal connecting your immediate area to a distant location up to a mile. Additional energy will increase the distance.

Was that one of the fabled demon skills? It sounded actually useful; more than that, it seemed to be the solution to all of Theo’s problems. However, experience had taught him that if something was perfect, there usually was a nasty catch.

“Spok, what are the drawbacks of the present skill?”

Drawbacks, sir? The spirit guide asked, while busy recreating all missing pieces of furniture. Maybe that it’s on the expensive side? Portals only last for several seconds. Maintaining them for longer is the same as creating a new one.

“Forget about that. Is there a requirement that only demons can use them, or anything of the sort?”

No, you can pretty much cast it anywhere.

“And I don’t need the other end of the portal to be on cursed land or anything?”

No, sir. There is nothing demonic about that skill, other than demons are usually adept at using it.

“So, and let me be very clear, there is nothing preventing me from creating a portal from here to my avatar?”

Other than it would require roughly a percent of your current energy to maintain, no.

One percent? That was quite expensive, indeed. If Theo were to transport all the villagers, he’d have to do so in under two minutes. That wasn’t ideal by any means. Then again, he could take some of them and have Liandra deal with the rest. Thinking about it, that wasn’t a bad move: it was going to allow the dungeon to enjoy some rest, while the heroine and Earl Rosewind had their hands full with this whole situation.

Of course, you’ll need to move a significant distance away from the Mandrake Mountains. They have a negative effect on portal magic.

“Spok, have I mentioned how much I hate you?”

Logically, it explained why the gnome had created its portals so far away. Of course, that didn’t make the dungeon feel better. It meant that at the very least, it was going to take a day to take everyone to a spot from which he could open the portal. Not at all great.

“Theo!” Liandra shouted to his avatar. “Are you done?”

“Yes, yes,” the avatar shouted back, waving at her for no particular reason. “All done.”

“Good, because we better get going. Don’t want a storm to catch us while we’re near the mountains.”

“Yeah, don’t want a storm to catch us…”