The Impeccable Adventure of the Reluctant Dungeon

“Why won’t your blessing help?” Theo asked. “Is the demon too powerful?”

“Oh, no,” the goddess chucked. “My blessing would be enough to make any weapon pierce the heart. However, I have to be physically there to bless you or your weapons, even if it’s a temporary blessing.”

In his previous life, Theo used to joke that there were five stages of disbelief. At present, he had gone through all of them several times, stopping somewhere between bargaining and anger.

“Doesn’t a goddess make you all powerful?”

“Well, not all powerful. I can appear anywhere, but only as long as there’s a temple or—”

“Sacred land,” Theo finished for her. “I’ve been told.”

That was not only disappointing, but incredibly stupid. The whole point in needing divine blessings was to deal with demons—or dungeons, if normal people were concerned. It was thus logical that the majority of cases in which someone would ask for help would be in a demon’s den. Forbidding people from receiving blessings there was the same as forbidding them to buy umbrellas during a storm.

“Can you bless a weapon here and send it to my avatar?” Theo asked.

“Hmm, no, I’m afraid not. I mean, I could send it to the location, but it will only fall on the top of the mountain and you’ll have to get it yourself. And before you ask, no, I cannot bless explosive devices or hand grenades.”

Thanks for nothing, Spok! the dungeon thought.

“I’ll wish you a lot of luck, though.” Peris smiled. “And since you’ve gone through all this trouble, I can as well bless Cmyk’s weapons.”

Theo could bear it no longer. Bursting all of the floating eyes, he then shuttered off all of his windows and focused back on his avatar. Events there weren’t going too well. While the fight between Liandra and the red-armored demon was continuing in full strength, there were signs that the heroine was starting to get tired. So far, she had pierced her enemy five times that Theo’s avatar had seen, as well as chopped off one limb or another on over a dozen occasions. Sadly, that meant nothing to a creature with the ability to instantly regenerate.

Must think of something, the dungeon said to himself.

If normal magic and deities were useless, then the only solution was to rely on his dungeon abilities.

“Okay, heart!” The avatar shook his fist at the glowing organ above. “If that’s the way you want it!”

Focusing all his spite in one single spot, the avatar created a room. However, it wasn’t a simple room, but rather an entire building detachment. A tower—with an extremely pointy roof made of solid silver tiles—rose up from the floor, shooting up like a rocket. The amount of energy wasted on creating this was exorbitant, but Theo didn’t care. At this point, things had become personal. The entire world seemed to be mocking him, and if there was one thing he couldn’t stand was being mocked.

The structure kept going up and up, growing taller than it was architecturally safe. Any safety inspector, or even a person with a little common sense, would get a heart attack just by looking at the flimsy tower. Looks, though, were deceiving. Fueled by dungeon energy, the tower had the strength of a fortress, striking the demon heart with such ferocity that the entire mountain shook. Sparks and silver fragments rained down as the entire roof of the tower cracked up. That was more or less expected; yet, this time, the target had suffered as well. A single crack had emerged on the red glowing surface, telling the world—or at least Theo—that the organ wasn’t invulnerable. It wasn’t a large crack, stretching no more than a foot, even if that. Still, it was a good start.

“What do you think, now?” The avatar crossed his arms, then proceeded to shrink the tower by a bit, reconstruct the roof, then make it grow again.

The tower tip struck the heart again. And again. And again. Like a giant piston, it kept doing so, causing the mountain to tremble non-stop. More and more cracks emerged on the surface of the heart, until, finally, a hole the size of a human fist formed. Only then did Theo stop, a feeling of victorious spite filling him to the brim.

“Invincible, eh?” he mocked. “You don’t look so invincible now, do you?”

Ahem, Spok said back in the dungeon’s main body. You seem to be using up a lot of energy, sir.

“I still have plenty left,” Theo said, utterly disinterested.

That’s quite true. However, it doesn’t seem like you’ll be able to change location for the next fifty years, at least. If you lose your avatar, that will further set you back several more years.

Normally, that would be alarming news. However, Theo was still caught up in the moment that he didn’t see it as an immediate concern. After all, all he had to do was make sure that he didn’t lose his avatar. Besides, he could always restore part of his energy by bringing a few fragments of the demon heart back to Rosewind. Liandra was no doubt going to disapprove, but what she didn’t know couldn’t hurt her. All that Theo needed to do was have his avatar climb to the top of the tower and break off a few heart fragments, which he was going to hide in his dimension ring. The plan was absolutely foolproof… as long as he managed to do it before Liandra or the demon got close. For some reason, the whole mountain shaking thing seemed to have attracted their attention, the demon’s, especially.

Casting swiftness on itself, the avatar stepped into the tower, then began the long process of running up the winding stairwell along the structure’s walls. There was nothing fancy within the structure, just the occasional window and random landscape portrait, but it got Theo thinking that he could well use one of those for his main body. Not now, of course. Having such a tower in the middle of a town was definitely going to attract too much attention. When he earned enough energy to isolate himself somewhere in peace, however, towers were the way to go.

Even with swiftness, it took three minutes for Theo’s avatar to reach the top of the tower. Every now and again, he’d glance out of a window in passing, to remain informed of the state of the fight. Both opponents had moved on from the mass destruction phase and were now engaged in a series of violent melee exchanges. The speed with which they moved was beyond the avatar’s ability to follow, so Theo didn’t even bother. He did, however, make a mental note to find a way to increase his speed at the first opportunity.

After what seemed like an eternity, the avatar finally arrived at its destination. Opening up the roof, he found himself face-to-face—or more appropriately face-to-heart—with the source of his misery of the last few days. Waves of heat swept through him that would have dried up any normal person in an instant. Acknowledging his presence, the heart began pulsing.

Watching it was weird. Somehow, the demonic body organ combined the qualities of hard and soft materials by glistening as porcelain while contracting and expanding like a sponge. It also posed a rather interesting question.

“Spok,” Theo said back in his main body, as his avatar kept on running up the stairs. “Are demonic body parts aware?”

Aware, sir? The spirit guide asked. I wouldn’t call them that, but they can still corrupt, if that’s what you’re asking.

That didn’t sound good.

“So, if I consume it, I’ll become evil?”

Oh, no. That’s only valid for humans. Well, humans and possibly a few other races. Consuming it will increase your energy a lot and potentially might even allow you to gain a few demon skills as well. Among dungeons, proper demon cores are treated as quite the delicacy. There even used to be a thriving market for them at one point.

“Used to be?”

Unfortunately, unfounded allegations caused it to close down a few centuries back. A few dungeons accused the dungeon organizing the events of shaving off part of the merchandise before sending it to the final client. Quite nasty business, really. There were a few attempts to restore the practice, but none of them successful. Of course, no one traded with body organs of the caliber you’re dealing with.

“So, I can consume it,” the dungeon concluded. “What about my avatar?”

Ah, well… The spirit guide hesitated. That’s a bit of a gray area. As part of you, it should be able to do so without issue. However, since your avatar also has a heroic trait, and heroic traits can be corrupted, it’s possible that you experience certain side effects.

“Such as?”

You realize that this is highly theoretical, sir? Spok became slightly evasive. As I’ve mentioned before, there hasn’t been a case of a dungeon doing what you’ve done. Based on the behavior of heroes alone, though, you might experience cold spells, dry throat, occasional diarrhea, and a constant obsession to take over the world. I’ve heard that some of the mage towers had developed some rather successful treatments, but for the most part, they only deal with the symptoms, not the core issue. Of course, you can probably ask the goddess Peris to help you.

Theo’s avatar froze. Most of the side effects sounded tolerable, but he was definitely not willing to put up with having “occasional diarrhea.” Based on his experience with medicines in his previous life, whenever something included that phrase, the diarrhea was anything but occasional.

“Thank you, Spok,” the dungeon said hurriedly, then took out the hero’s sword from the avatar’s dimensional ring.

As much as it pained him to waste a perfectly good source of experience and energy, that was by far preferable to the alternative. Holding the weapon with both hands, Theo thrust the tip of the blade through the small hole. A teeth-dropping screeching sound filled the air, as the heart resisted. The sensation was like trying to push a sword into a bucket of wet concrete.

Unable to get the deed done with the strength of his avatar alone, Theo modified the tower itself, having it grown two feet taller. For several moments, the heart pushed back against the blade, determined to keep it from progressing any further, then suddenly it gave up.

The sword slit into the heart, hilt and hands holding it included. The organ lit up, as if it were about to explode, then slowly dimmed to a low red glow. There was no doubt that the strike had caused significant damage. Unfortunately, even that had failed to destroy the heart completely. Analyzing the situation, Theo came to two conclusions: one—he had completely forgotten that he was in the possession of a heroic sword, and two—his hands were bleeding. The latter caused far greater annoyance.

Up till now, his greatest concern was the inability of his avatar to have wounds, making it so vital to hide that quality from humans, especially heroes. Now that it happened, however, the dungeon felt overwhelming disgust.

Most probably all this had occurred as some obscure ability of the demon heart that had negated the dungeon ability of Theo’s avatar. Whatever the reason, it was causing blood to drop all over Theo’s new set of clothes.

“Good for nothing, demon heart!” the avatar grumbled.

He could simply pull out his hands and bandage them, then continue with the hacking. Being too lazy, though, the dungeon decided to use the wound heal spell that he had learned. After all, the ability was described as strictly being for flesh wounds, which made it perfect. The instructions mentioned that ten mana was the minimal requirement for using the spell, but was that enough? Theo definitely didn’t want to somewhat heal the wound and have it reopen at a later point. Investing a hundred was a lot more practical, or better yet, a thousand. That way, he’d be sure that everything was properly healed.

The moment he did, a glass shattering screech came from the heart. White surrounded the spot wound of the heart, spreading outwards like toxic foam.

Theo’s immediate reaction was to pull his hands out. However, a far more calculating part of him made him reconsider. His hands had already made contact with the vile substance, so there would be little gain to react now, after the fact. Also, he had a sneaky suspicion about something he needed to confirm with his spirit guide.

“Spok, what are the effects of healing spells on demons?” The dungeon asked, almost casually.

Negligibly painful, the spirit guide replied. Attempts had been made to use healing spells in battle, but the practice quickly proved unsustainable. In all instances, if a person had enough mana to destroy a demonic entity through healing, they could easily achieve the same result in a far more expedient and mana-efficient fashion.

“And the deities? Did any of them try that during their fight against the demons way back when?”

I don’t have any knowledge on that topic, but I strongly doubt it. Demon lords and arch demons are among the most resilient creatures in existence. It would take a tremendous strength to pierce through their heart, not to mention a blessed heroic weapon. Only at that point would a healing spell even begin to deal damage.

“Ah…”

Not to mention that the amount of mana invested in the spell would have to be in the hundreds, Spok went on. Why do you ask?

“No reason,” the dungeon replied, innocently moving part of the furniture towards the edges of its rooms. “So, spending ten mana on healing is a lot?”

That would be enough to heal most surface wounds. If the wound is really deep, and accompanied by internal bleeding, maybe one would have to spend fifteen or even twenty. Those would be rather extreme cases, however.

“Got it.”

Meanwhile, the white rot kept on spreading, progressing into yellowish pus at times. The sight had become so disgusting that the avatar had quickly pulled out the sword and wiped it in his shirt. Naturally, that shirt was going to be disposed of, and possibly burned at the first opportunity.

The once impregnable heart now looked more like a rotting peach. Its light had all but completely faded, plunging the vast chamber into darkness. Here and there, small dots of light were visible—campfires or torches that until recently had been completely obscured.

A massive chunk of rotting flesh, the size of a cow, splashed on the tower floor right next to Theo’s left leg. The avatar barely had enough time to step as far away as possible before more followed. No longer solid enough to remain on the metal cables that held it, the heart practically poured down.

CONGRATULATIONS!

You have destroyed the heart of Demon Lord Kayinion!

Demon Lord Kayinion was known as the Butcher of the Gods, who dispatched over a dozen deities before being banished back into his realm. His presence alone had the power to corrupt even the most noble of heroes.

Demon Lord Heart Core obtained.

News of your achievement shall be known throughout the entire continent.

The message was accompanied by a loud thump on the tower floor. Looking down, the dungeon’s avatar saw a flawless red sphere the size of a bowling ball, glowing in a faint orange light.

CORE CONSUMPTION

Your level is not yet high enough to consume Demon Lord cores.

Increase your avatar level and try again later.

Theo had mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, he was glad that he wouldn’t have to suffer occasional diarrhea for the rest of his existence. On the other hand, being told that he wasn’t good enough to consume the core made him feel insulted. After all, he had just accomplished a feat that everyone—including a goddess—had told him was impossible. What more could this world want?

“It’s not all about the level, you know,” the avatar said as he took the large red core. “It’s about how you use it.”

That made a lot more sense in his mind, but, nonetheless, Theo felt better saying it. Making sure that Liandra wasn’t anywhere near, he then placed the core in his dimension ring, followed by the hero’s sword. After some consideration, the avatar then climbed down the tower and created a new wardrobe full of clothes; there was no way he’d walk anywhere with his current ooze drenched outfit.

A demon core, Theo thought. That’ll prove useful when I get back to Rosewind.

Given the amount of core points the hero provided, this current gem was no doubt going to provide enough so he could go anywhere in the world, should he choose to. Better yet, destroying the heart pretty much put an end to Lord Mandrake’s plans for world domination. True, a vast part of the armies remained, but that was an issue easily dealt with. Once Liandra was done with the red-armor demon, Theo was going to get back to the original quest set out by Earl Rosewind, namely deal with the thief stronghold.

Taking one final look at his greatest creation to date—the endless tower—the avatar went to check the heroine’s progress. He could tell that the fight was still going on: with the demon heart gone, the demon was the brightest source of light in the entire chamber. Watching it move about like a wounded firefly suggested that its regeneration capabilities had strongly diminished, if not vanished altogether.

The thought of swooping in and stealing Liandra’s kill passed through the dungeon’s mind. Defeating such a foe would no doubt earn him the level up he was cheated of, and quite probably grant a skill to boot. Thinking a bit more, though, Theo decided that was a bad idea. The woman deserved to earn a reward for her efforts. Besides, he had no idea how she’d react if she was denied her loot.

By the time Theo got close enough to see details of the fight, the demon had already lost an arm and a leg. Most of the glowing red armor was cracked, outright shattered in places. The only things that kept it going were the flaming sword and wings. After a well-aimed horizontal slice, only the flaming sword remained.

“Well done, Liandra!” the avatar shouted. He made an attempt to cast a fireball, more for moral support than anything else, but the spell fizzled. Apparently, even with the demon heart gone, the mountains still had a dampening magic effect.

With a loud clash, the demon fell to the ground. Barely able to crawl, it turned around, prepared to face his opponent until the very end. Before he could even stand up, the heroine was upon him, slicing the creature’s head with one precise chop. What was left of the demon’s body collapsed in on itself, transforming into a large glowing marble the size of an egg. The woman bent down and picked it up. Even in the darkness, Theo could see that she was covered in wounds. If the end of the fight was clearly one-sided, the rest of it hadn’t been.

“Thanks,” she said, breathing heavily. “I’d have had a hard time if you hadn’t dealt with the heart.”

Hard time? Impossible, rather, Theo thought.

“No problem,” he said instead. “I’m sure you’d have managed.” He was about to add another clumsily constructed compliment when Liandra tossed him the glowing red marble. “What’s this for?” the avatar asked.

“It’s the demon’s core. It’s rare to see one this big. Normally I’d have kept it for myself, but you earned it.”

Theo looked at it, doing his best to appear impressed. After getting the core from the demon heart, however, this looked like a cheap toy.

“Are you sure? You were the one who defeated it. I just got lucky with the heart. The thing was in such bad condition that it probably would have collapsed on its own.”

“Always trying to be humble,” the woman shook her head.

In truth, Theo very much wanted to have the core. Every chance to increase the strength of his avatar was more than welcome. The issue was that he had no idea how people consumed cores. It was clear that it was very different from the way dungeons did it, and even Spok had been unable to provide any details.

“Seriously, you need it a lot more than me,” Theo persisted. “I hardly got any injuries, while you…” he didn’t finish the sentence. “It’ll be a lot more difficult if you’re in an exhausted state. We have to help the villagers, after all, plus potentially kill Lord mandrake.” He stressed on the word potentially. “Here.” Theo tossed the orb back. “There’s no time to be squeamish.”

Liandra caught the core, then looked at Theo.

“You really are something, you know,” she said in stoic fashion. “Thanks, Theo.”

The woman’s grip tightened round the core, causing it to crack. Red light leaked out, surrounding her entire body in a purple glow. Moments later, both the light and the core were gone.

That was it?! Theo thought. It was virtually identical to the fashion in which he consumed cores. Of course, he didn’t break them, but assimilated the entire thing through his body. He could easily have gotten away with it, and gained a level or two. The only faint silver lining was that he knew not to refuse gifts in the future. Not that he hoped there would be any reason to.

“Now that this is over, let’s rescue the villagers and take care of the thieves,” the avatar said.

“Lord Mandrake is still alive. While he is, the world remains in danger.”

Damn it, you hero! “What could he possibly do without the demon heart? I mean, yes, he has a few goblin squadrons, but anyone could take care of those. Besides, didn’t you say that a hero’s job was to protect the people? What better way to protect the villagers captured here than taking them as far away from this place as possible?”

Liandra was just about to respond, when suddenly a series of spotlights focused on them. The lights were very different from the demon heart’s glow. Rather, they felt like magical projectors attached to the ceiling.

“Well done!” A deep voice boomed. “Color me impressed! Not only did you manage to escape your cells and evade the guards, but you also destroyed the captain of my troops and even destroyed the demon lord’s heart!”

“Lord Mandrake?” Theo’s avatar whispered to Liandra.

“For certain,” she whispered back. “He’s been badly corrupted by the demon heart.”

“Megalomania is one of the side effects.”

“However, you’ve achieved nothing!” Lord Mandrake yelled.

A new series of spotlights lit up, focusing on the far side of the chamber. Several slabs of wall had moved aside, revealing a vast army of creatures. Even from this distance, Theo was able to recognize hundreds of gnome-work suits of armor, dozens of battle trolls, not to mention ten armor clad demons, identical to the one Liandra had just defeated. Each of them had their wings of fire extended, ready to fly up in the air at a moment’s notice. In front of that impressive army, towering above everything else, stood a massive colossus composed entirely of steel and rubies, like an exotic automaton. Theo had no idea how efficient rubies were as armor, but assumed they had to be as difficult to destroy as the demon heart.

“I was about to leave this lair, anyway! In fact, you did me a favor by getting rid of the trash for me.”

That didn’t even make any sense. The only thing Theo had done was drill a number of rooms throughout the mountain, destroy a few sets of armor, and not to forget the demon heart. Even if Lord Mandrake had planned to change location, there was no reason to leave those things behind.

“That sounds like you’re making it up!” Theo shouted.

“It’s true! I’d planned it for months! You just came a few days before I started.”

“If that’s the case, why did you keep kidnapping villagers?” Theo crossed his arms. “Wouldn't it have been easier to stop until you arrived at your new lair?”

Silence echoed throughout the chamber. The question, as silly as it was, clearly proved too complicated for Lord mandrake.

“Shut up!” The colossus snapped after a few seconds. “You can’t comprehend the intricacies of my complicated plan! How could you? You’re nothing but a stupid wizard who wouldn’t know a levitational device if it got stuck in his nose!”

Wha? Theo turned towards Liandra, confused.

“All this time you’ve been running through my maze, like the silly little mouse you are, not once knowing the true nature of your enemy! Well, behold and despair!”

The giant colossus took a step forward. Lines emerged on its face as the entire head broke up into segments, revealing… a gnome, a somewhat familiar gnome.

“Switches?” Theo asked. “Vlyan Switches?”

“So, you recognized me? Good for you! This way I won’t have to introduce myself!”

“You’re Lord Mandrake?” Theo wasn’t certain whether to be surprised or burst into laughter. “Didn’t you say you were a lead chief engineer?”

“The lead chief!” the gnome corrected. “And that was nothing but a clever ruse. Everyone keeps thinking that gnomes are incapable of anything major. Just leave us alone in our lairs with our toys and pay no notice. Right? Well, wrong! I’ll prove to the world that a gnome could take it over! What you’ve seen is but a taste of what’s to come! Soon I’ll take over all kingdoms on this side of the Mandrake mountains, and when I’m done with them—the rest of the world!”

Theodor’s avatar clenched his fists. Just when things were starting to look up, this had to happen…