The Human From a Dungeon

Chapter 64

Nick Smith

Adventurer Level: 7

Human – American

Once we finished our lovely breakfast and checked our gear, we began our hike to the dungeon. Liath stayed behind, claiming to be useless in both fighting and long walks. He acted pained when nobody argued with him.

The hike itself didn't seem that difficult at first, but my body felt heavy for some reason. I had slept fine, but still had to stifle more than a few yawns as we walked. In contrast to my fatigue, the kobold seemed to get more and more excited as we approached the dungeon.

"We get rid of the suckers, then you can meet the lord!" the kobold said excitedly. "He's gonna be so happy!"

"Who is your lord, exactly?" Nash asked.

"The lord is the lord," it tilted its head in confusion. "Knows lots of magics. Speaks in heads. Can't die."

We stopped marching and all of us stared at the kobold with blank expressions. Nothing was coming to mind based on that description, but something that knows a lot of magic and speaks telepathically doesn't sound great. Not to mention that kobolds seem to worship it.

Yulk gently cleared his throat.

"Kobold... Does your master have any skin?" he asked.

"Uh... Yeah, I think? Wait, yeah! He does!" the kobold said excitedly, then paused and rubbed its chin. "Doesn't wear it a lot, though."

"Sounds like a lich," Gali said nervously.

"Dunno that word. What's a lich?"

"One of the greatest crimes against nature ever committed by a mortal," Mako explained sternly. "Arrogance and ambition culminating in a being of pure evil and spite."

"Too many don't-know-words," the kobold crossed its arms angrily. "But the lord isn't evil. He helps kobolds a lot. Nobody else helps kobolds, shitty people think we're trash. Farmy people think we're a new sense. But the lord teaches us new stuff, heals us when we get hurts, and even tells us when we do good jobs. The lord never hurts kobolds. So from my pursp... presp... So me thinks that shitty people be way more evil than the lord."

"Well, perhaps your lord isn't a lich," Mako said. "Or maybe he's a lich that likes kobolds. I suppose we'll find out."

"How did you and your lord survive the vampires?" I asked as we continued our trek.

"I was sick when they came in. The lord said me ate the wrong kind of swimmer," he explained. "The sucker didn't push the secret rock, so I didn't get to die for the lord and the sucker captured him."

"Why didn't the vampire kill your lord?"

"I already said. The lord can't die. One time we thought he did when some of the ceiling fell, and we were super sad about it. Then he came back three days later, and was mad because we'd stopped working and made a big mess. He didn't hit us, though, which was nice. Most lords are smack-happy, but that's not cond... condew... uh... good for a good work place."

"Conducive to a good work environment?" I offered helpfully.

"Yeah! Not conducive to a good work environmental. Instead of smacks, he made us apologize and clean up after ourselves. Then he gave head-pats, ear scratches, and fish with bread. Really good bread, too, no green stuff on it."

"Well, coming back from the dead is a big indicator that this guy's a lich," Gali said. "Kobold, how do we know that your lord isn't going to attack us once we defeat the vampires?"

"Cuz he's not gonna. The lord doesn't hurt helpers."

We stared at the kobold, expecting him to elaborate further. He stared right back at us, seemingly confused by our hesitation. After a few moments, Gali sighed in exasperation.

"Fine, let's go," he said as he turned.

"Wait," I interrupted. "What's your name?"

"Me?" the kobold asked.

"Yeah."

"Simeeth is what me is called. Don't mind being called kobold, though."

"You don't?" Gali asked.

"Nah. Reminds me that I'm the last. Which also means that I'm the best!"

"Sure," Gali said as we continued on. "You're the best by default. Why not?"

"You can't count past seven, though?" Mako asked with a grin. "I would think that the best kobold would be able to count to ten."

"I don't know what comes after seven," Simeeth sighed.

"Eight," I added, trying to be helpful.

"Eight what?"

"One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, and ten."

"Who's nine and ten? Why did seven eat them? How do numbers eat things?" Simeeth sighed louder. "I have had these questions for so long and nobody ever answers."

The realization that the kobold was caught up on a pun made me hesitate.

'Wait, did you translate that right?' I asked Ten.

'Yes.'

'How is that pun in more than one language?'

'I am an Artificial Intelligence, not an etymologist.'

'What does studying bugs have to do with anything?'

'No, that's entomologist. Etymology is the study of words and their histories.'

"Shit," I grumbled to myself.

"There it is," Gali said. "That's the entrance."

We stopped in front of a mausoleum that was made entirely of polished tan-brown stone. It reminded me of my grandma's counters, which were made of fake granite.

The mausoleum had two columns on each side of its entrance, which was lacking any sort of door. The sun made it impossible to see past the entrance, though. As if the mausoleum had a door of darkness protecting whatever was inside it.

Above the entrance was a carving that depicted two winged beings kneeling to a skull. At first glance, I thought they were angels. Closer inspection revealed them to be armored elves. The skull didn't have any pointed teeth, so it was probably elven too.

"Oh, I get it now," Mako said.

"Right, the skull is because of the lich," Rebis added. "Makes sense."

"How does that make sense?" Ithrima asked. "Surely this dungeon is older than the lich."

"How do you figure?" Heino countered.

"Well, the monsters within the dungeon were spewing out of it at some point, right?" Ithrima looked around for assurance. "Am I the only one who thought that implied that someone stopped the monsters? Like the lich and kobolds?"

"There were baddies before the lord," Simeeth added helpfully. "The lord said that they were making the shitty people come, so he killed them all. My daddy helped!"

"So how can the skull be referring to the lich?" Ithrima demanded smugly. "It's obviously not native to this dungeon."

"Gods grant me patience," Rebis sighed. "Why are you thinking this carving was always like this? Liches are as magical as they are megalomaniacal, so why in the hells wouldn't he change the carving to suit himself?!"

"We gonna argue, or are we gonna get to work?" Nash asked. "We're burning daylight."

"Like that matters," Rebis laughed. "It's darker than the crack of my ass in there."

"We'll have to walk back. Unless you plan on camping in the dungeon?"

A nasty smell wafted from the dungeon as if to prove Nash's point. Mako chuckled as Rebis sighed.

"Fine, let's go. Yulk, Ithrima, and Olmira you'll be in the back with Gali and the kobold. Nash and Nick are in the center, supporting whoever needs it. Mako, Heino, and I will be front," Rebis said. "Remember, the goal is to stop their movement and fwoosh them."

"Won't the fire make breathing a problem?" I asked.

"A light wind spear should help with that," Yulk said. "I'll do it. Don't want the tunnel collapsing."

Yulk winked at me as everyone else prepared their gear. Rebis and Heino strapped on their shields and unsheathed their swords. Nash hefted his axe while Mako examined his pike. Gali played with the string on his bow. Trying not to look as nervous as I felt, I drew my sword.

"There's a lot of dead kobolds in there, so mind the stench," Gali said. "Let's go."

I trailed behind Nash as we entered the dungeon. As soon as I entered, the hairs on my arms and the back of my neck stood rigid. The air was filled with the stench of death and a sense of dread. Stifling my instinctual urge to panic, I cast light. Everyone else activated their lights, too, and we began our grim march down the hallway.

"Careful, traps," Mako said.

The big orc began lightly pushing his pike on the tiled floor until we all heard a click. A moment later, a grate with spikes fell from the ceiling. Nash let out a low whistle as the trap receded.

"Not the usual fare for dungeon traps," he said.

"It is around these parts," Mako replied solemnly. "Calkutin dungeons are much more dangerous than the dungeons in the Chiefdoms, and it isn't because of the monsters."

"I see."

"The traps have been here since I was born," Simeeth said. "Can avoid by just stepping around them."

"We don't know where they are," Mako countered.

"Me help."

Simeeth's feet pattered against the tile and his wagging tail grazed my leg as he ran past me. He also ran past Nash, but Mako stopped him with a massive hand. The tiny kobold looked at the massive orc with obvious confusion.

"If you're in front, you'll be the first target for a vampire," Mako explained. "How about you ride on my shoulders and point out the traps, instead. When we see a vampire, you can hop down."

"I... uh... That's a long way up," Simeeth replied. "Dunno if I can jump down from there."

"I'll help you get down," Nash said.

Simeeth looked back and forth between Mako and Nash, then shrugged.

"Okay."

Heino smiled and Rebis chuckled as the kobold, who was noticeably shorter than the dwarves, climbed Mako mountain. Mako helped the little lizard up, and Simeeth sat with his legs on either side of Mako's neck. It reminded me of my cousin with his kid.

We continued on until we found the first kobold corpses. The rank stench in the air threatened to make me puke. I held my nose as we pushed past, but breathing through my mouth didn't help at all.

Simeeth pointed out another trap, and we slipped past it. Then we ran into more dead kobolds. This pattern repeated itself a few more times before Simeeth sighed and pointed to one of the kobold corpses.

"That's my daddy. If I didn't get sick, I'd have been right next to him. Maybe have made a difference, but the lord said I wouldn't have. Guess the lord knows best."

"Do you want to say goodbye?" Mako asked.

"For why? He's dead," Simeeth tilted his head. "Can't hear when you're dead, right?"

"I suppose not," Mako said glumly.

"Hey, Simeeth, how old are you?" I asked.

"I'm three years old," the reptilian grinned. "Almost a grown-up!"

I almost told Simeeth my age, then realized his response would probably be questions about "who's een" and "why did you eat them"? Instead, I turned my attention to Rebis, who let out a low whistle.

"That explains SO much," the dwarf chuckled and shook his head. "When do kobolds become adults?"

"I dunno," Simeeth replied with a shrug.

"Let's keep moving," Mako interrupted.

"Actually, it would be best if you stopped," Simeeth said with an odd tone and a vacant expression. "The vampires know you're here. Two of them have come to greet you. Prepare yourselves, hunters."

"The fuck?" Rebis asked.

"There's very little time before they reach you. I am the being this one calls lord, speaking to you through my only remaining vassal. Get ready, they come."

Mako knelt a little and Nash grabbed Simeeth from his shoulders. We began to hear the soft thuds of footsteps just as we prepared our weapons. Rebis and Heino prepared their shields and Mako hefted his pike. Nash and I took position behind the three, ready to intercept any vampires that got through. Gali cocked his bow as Ithrima, Yulk, and Olmira prepared to cast their spells. Simeeth looked up at us and shook his head in confusion.

"What happening?" he asked.

"The vampires are coming," I said. "Get behind me."

Simeeth stared for a moment, then scampered toward the rear of our formation. We waited as the footsteps grew louder, prepared to see vampires leaping out of the shadows toward us. Then the footsteps stopped.

I couldn't see them, but I could feel them watching us. Like the creeping feeling of panic when your night light goes out as a child. When you just know there's something in your closet and under your bed. When you get older, you're able to tell yourself that you're imagining it and that there's nothing there. But this time, it's not my imagination.

"Really?" Rebis asked. "You just gonna watch us? The big bad vampires are to scared to have a real fight?"

A pair of pale dwarves stepped out of the darkness. They were wearing tattered clothes, and their fingers ended in pointed claws. Cruel, fanged grins were plastered on their pasty faces.

"We're not the ones who should be scared," one of them said.

I almost couldn't follow its movements. The moment it finished speaking, it rushed toward Rebis. The other vampire rushed toward Mako. Moving just as quickly, Heino stepped in front of Mako as the orc's pike stabbed the vampire that was after Rebis.

Mako hefted his pike upwards with the vampire skewered upon it as Heino's sword flashed briefly in the light. The vampire slammed into the ground in front of me, and we made brief eye contact as Nash's axe fell. The heads of both vampires rolled in opposite directions on the floor.

"Quick, pile 'em up," Gali said. "Gotta burn 'em."

I stopped the vampires head with my boot, and a wave of nausea smashed against my gut. Fighting it, I picked up the head by its hair and tossed it onto the body that it had been attached to. Heino and Mako tossed the pieces of the other vampire on the pile. I swallowed heavily and held up my hand.

"Llaberif tsac!"

Intense heat flew from my hand and enveloped the pile of vampire parts. Eerie screeching and the smell of burnt meat filled the air. The knot in my stomach twisted further as I watched the bodies convulse. That's what it would look like if Rebis, Heino, or Gali... Unable to fight it any longer, I turned away from my party and spewed my breakfast onto the tiled floor.

"Well, that was easier than I thought it would be," Rebis said, tactfully ignoring my display.

"Let us hope it remains that way," Mako said coldly.

"Why the human puke?" Simeeth asked. "Did he eat a bad swimmer?"