The Guide to Conquering Earthlings

Chapter 3

Lan Xi went to the police station for the third time.

It was Xie Cheng who grabbed her hand and dragged her all the way there.

He unceremoniously pulled Lan Xi inside and said coldly, "I'm here to report a crime."

He glanced obliquely at Lan Xi, whose hand was still stuffed in his pocket, "Catch her red-handed."

Not long after Lan Xi put her hand in Xie Cheng's pocket, she realized something was wrong, because a police car drove up not far away. Soon afterwards, the "teacher" who had just taught Lan Xi the tricks of the buffet was stuffed into the car by the police—

"Living in a hotel like this, her family must be very rich too. But she has kleptomania and couldn't resist the urge in the elevator, disregarding the surveillance camera and stealing the wallet of that old lady. And now she's caught!"

"How shameful. She has hands and feet but doesn't learn anything good, only thinking of reaping without sowing, stealing things..."

The crowd pointed at the "teacher" and chattered incessantly. Lan Xi finally realized something was wrong.

It seemed like she hadn't eaten the right things at this buffet...

With abundant resources on Mu Yi Star, there was no concept of theft. But the overview of human society in the guidebook said that on Earth, stealing could land you in jail...

So this was stealing...

Lan Xi understood, but it was too late.

Xie Cheng had grabbed her hand that was in his pocket, and Lan Xi, not having eaten her fill, could not exert her full strength. Thus she was dragged into the police station by this man.

Xie Cheng's lawyer also followed closely behind.

It's over, it's over!

The police officer looked at Xie Cheng, "What happened to her?"

Xie Cheng said coldly, "She tried to steal from me in front of so many people."

He glanced obliquely at Lan Xi, whose hand was still stuffed in his pocket, "Caught her red-handed."

Fire tests true gold; adversity tests the strong.

A princess will never admit defeat!

Lan Xi thought quickly and interrupted Xie Cheng—

"I wasn't trying to steal from him, I was touching him."

She said calmly, "I put my hand down his pants and touched him."

The police officer was dumbfounded, "In front of so many people?"

Lan Xi cleared her throat. She felt she had already grasped fate by the throat halfway.

She nodded solemnly, "Yes."

"I like being watched when I do this kind of thing," she glanced at the police officer. "It helps me be bolder, and having an audience makes me feel even better."

"..." Xie Cheng's face was ugly. He looked back at his lawyer, "Don't you have anything to say?"

The lawyer with the pompadour said awkwardly, "Mr. Xie, I just went to the hotel to check the surveillance footage. It only shows her putting her hand in your pants pocket and groping around..."

He glanced carefully at Xie Cheng, "She didn't have time to take anything out before you grabbed her hand, so it's very difficult for us to prove her intention was theft, much less that any theft was accomplished."

Xie Cheng was furious, "Even if it wasn't stealing, isn't it illegal for her to grope me like that?"

The police officer coughed, "That would certainly be against the law too, but since she didn't sexually assault you, the severity doesn't reach indecent assault either. I think she should apologize first, and we can further mediate and communicate..."

After speaking, the police officer looked at Lan Xi.

Now the pressure was on Lan Xi.

But Lan Xi would not admit defeat.

"He didn't refuse me," Lan Xi pointed at her hand which was still being held in his pocket. "And he kept pressing down on my hand, not letting it move. Doesn't that mean he hoped I would keep touching him?"

"..."

"Actually I didn't want to touch him anymore, but he forced me to keep touching him."

Lan Xi looked quite aggrieved, "I think he should be the one to apologize to me."

"..."

**

Half an hour later, sitting in the backseat of a Rolls-Royce, having loosened his tie and collar, Xie Cheng's mood still could not calm down.

He had never seen anyone so shameless.

She acted bizarrely, playing completely illogically, making her next move impossible to predict. She behaved completely inconsistently with normal human logic.

Xie Cheng studied algorithms and believed in algorithms.

With the prevalence of big data today, even human social behaviors still followed certain underlying mathematical logic, with fixed social patterns. Therefore, people's behavioral tendencies in different situations could generally be predicted.

Xie Cheng was obsessed with algorithms and relied on this algorithmic logic.

Rather than spending a lot of time guessing and observing others, turning social patterns into intuitive data models and algorithms was not only efficient but also less troublesome.

After all, Xie Cheng had never had a problem so far in predicting everyone's behavior by mastering social algorithmic patterns.

Everything could be predicted, everything could be controlled. This gave Xie Cheng a sense of the beauty of order and a definite feeling of security about life.

Except for this woman.

Although he knew they probably wouldn't meet again, just thinking about this woman still made Xie Cheng feel a little irritable.

"Mr. Xie, this matter really could only be handled this way. It's very difficult to define serious infringement since you stopped her before she could take anything out. If you had let her grope or steal, I would've had a case," said the lawyer sitting in the passenger seat.

Xie Cheng looked up at the lawyer, "So your point is I should've let her grope me or steal, and after she groped me good or something got stolen, you could've handled it?"

The lawyer smiled and nodded, "Yes, that's the idea. Sometimes you have to allow more serious infringement in order to maximize the lawyer's ability. The more serious it is, the more room we have to maneuver."

"Get out," Xie Cheng said coldly. "Leave the umbrella."

"?" The lawyer was stunned as he looked out at the rain. "I took a taxi here, but the rain has turned from light to heavy now. Definitely can't get a taxi. Leaving without even an umbrella..."

"Didn't you say you can demonstrate your rights protection skills after the infringement expands? So I'm giving you a chance. If you catch a cold or get sick from this heavy rain, you can demand high compensation from me and really show me what you can do. If you can't successfully claim compensation from me, it means you're incompetent and you're fired. Don't come again."

Xie Cheng's face was handsome, and even when he spoke sarcastically like this, it still carried an aura of elegance and nobility.

But when the lawyer got out with a bitter face and scurried away hugging his head in the downpour, Xie Cheng's face was still very dark.

The rain outside was heavy, and the sound of raindrops hitting the ground was almost noisy.

"Mr. Xie," said Xie Cheng's driver, Cao An, who was also Xie Cheng's bodyguard and only trusted confidant, having taken on some of the duties of an assistant over the years. "That woman...I guess it's another plot by your uncle."

When Xie Cheng was twelve, his parents died in an accident overseas while expanding the business, leaving behind young Xie Cheng and the huge Xie An Group. Xie Cheng's uncle Xie Jing naturally took over raising Xie Cheng as his guardian and "reluctantly" took over the management of the company.

But in recent years, Xie Jing had not mentioned returning the management rights of the company to Xie Cheng when he came of age, as he had declared to the media at the time. Starting from when he was fifteen or sixteen, Xie Cheng began experiencing all kinds of accidents frequently in his life—

Suddenly faulty brakes; fugu fish with untreated toxins; inexplicably aged circuits; suddenly out-of-control elevators...

It only gradually settled down in recent years.

The reason it settled down was that after being held back two years, Xie Jing's son Xie Yunfei finally graduated from college. Xie Jing hastily stuffed him into Xie An Group's core business unit, while Xie Cheng took the initiative to request a transfer to the grassroots, going to Xie An Group's peripheral company, Xie Xin Technology. Although on the surface Xie Xin Technology was included in Xie An Group's large business system, its finances were completely independent from Xie An. Xie An Group did not invest a cent in or have any stake in Xie Xin Technology.

But in any case, there were suddenly three surnamed Xie in Xie An Group. To distinguish them, Xie Jing was called Chairman Xie, Xie Cheng was called Manager Xie, and Xie Yunfei was called Manager Yunfei by everyone.

Coincidentally, Xie Yunfei's name was being reported on the car radio that Cao An had just turned on—

"Recently, Xie Yunfei of Xie An Group was photographed getting into an altercation at a bar, allegedly over some disagreement. Three days ago at the same bar, he was photographed being intimate with popular starlet Ni Meng. But there are rumors that Xie Yunfei is dating up-and-coming celebrity Qi Lina, so this is the third time Xie Yunfei has become embroiled in cheating allegations..."

Cao An hurriedly turned off the car radio. "Can't they report on anything else all day?"

Xie Cheng leaned back wearily in his seat, closing his eyes. "This is just as well. My uncle will be busy for a while and won't bother me for the time being."

Cao An burst Xie Cheng's bubble: "Your uncle will likely arrange a new personal assistant for you very soon."

Xie Cheng opened his eyes in irritation: "The last one just left not long ago. So soon?"

"The Xie Jing Group just recruited a large batch of new employees. He'll certainly want to plant a new set of eyes close to you."

At this, Cao An laughed. "Care to wager how long this one will last? I bet one month. Either they'll resign directly or put in for an internal transfer to a Xie Jing Group department after a month. Wasn't the option for basic staff to transfer internally set up to handle these leftover issues, so they can go back where they came from?"

Xie Cheng pressed his lips together, his expression cold. "Let's not make things difficult unnecessarily. There's no need to be so adversarial. One leaves, and another comes. It's not worth spending energy on pointless things."

Indeed there was no need to treat this new assistant specially. Xie Cheng had always treated the assistants Xie Jing planted indifferently. On the contrary, he used them as he saw fit.

After all, the people Xie Jing chose had outstanding resumes and proven work abilities.

Besides, they were spies anyway. Their patterns of behavior could be completely deduced from their social positioning. Xie Cheng was already adept at handling their predictable reactions in different contexts.

Moreover, Xie Cheng's startup was still in its infancy and needed plenty of capable manpower.

Since they were spies, he used them even more freely, seeing them as disposable resources.

With each new assistant, it never took more than three months for these ambitious young people to be turned by Xie Cheng into haggard, dark-eyed "dregs" overloaded with work.

This was also why none of Xie Jing's spies had ever lasted long enough to access any core information.

Their bodies were just too drained by overwork...

**

Lan Xi was relieved after her earlier scare and returned to her hotel. Soon after, she received the job offer that Wang Zhiqiang had mentioned—

"Dear Ms. Lan Xi, you have officially been hired by the Xie Jing Group Administrative Support Department. Please report to the Xie Jing Building tomorrow morning at 9 am with your documents, unless there are any issues..."

After hanging up, Lan Xi still couldn't calm down.

She had finally obtained her ticket to a job!

Too excited to sleep that night, Lan Xi rushed to report for her first day at the Xie Jing Group at the crack of dawn.

Thanks to Wang Zhiqiang's emergency tutoring the night before, Lan Xi breezed through the onboarding process competently. Soon, after the HR staff finished reviewing her documents, they handed her work pass to her, though there was a small hiccup—

"You've been assigned as personal assistant to the chairman. Someone will take you to your dedicated office shortly. But first, Chairman Xie wants to meet you."

Didn't they say the job was with the Administrative Support Department?

**

The confused Lan Xi was led up to the chairman's office on the top floor.

Behind an elegant executive desk sat the nearly fifty-year-old Chairman Xie Jing, who had aged gracefully.

Seeing Lan Xi's face, he paused briefly in surprise before breaking into an affable smile.

"You're one of the new hires this year, correct?"

He beckoned Lan Xi to sit. "I've seen your resume—very impressive. With your outstanding qualifications, assigning you to Admin Support would be a terrible waste of talent. The Xie Jing Group cannot let promising people slip away. So I've switched your posting. Before you start, I wanted to have a chat."

Xie Jing scrutinized the girl before him. Although she was already beautiful in her ID photo, he was used to the disparity between touched-up photos and real people, so he didn't think much of it initially. But seeing her now, even someone as experienced as Xie Jing had to admit this girl was almost unrealistically pretty—a natural, untouched beauty that was stunning yet hard to describe.

Xie Jing's smile deepened.

He was even more satisfied.

Previously, the assistants he had planted next to Xie Cheng were all male. Xie Cheng had never gone easy on them.

In their complaints, it was always the same—despite their outstanding professional backgrounds, they were relegated to the dirtiest, most grueling work at Xie Cheng's startup, often more physical than mental, and Xie Cheng treated them like pack animals, not people, working them brutally...

So before gathering further intelligence, these assistants would resign, unable to take it—

Xie Jing chose people with stellar resumes. Who would willingly stay at a dead-end company on the fringe of the conglomerate, as unskilled labor?

There was zero room for advancement.

The Xie Jing Group was the company Xie Cheng's parents had built from scratch. As programmers, they had focused on open source databases and software. Their business model was to open source the core code but charge for the commercial edition and related maintenance and support services, making the company successful enough to go public.

Any normal person aspired to start out in the Xie Jing Group's core departments.

Meanwhile, Xie Cheng managed one of the most inconsequential fringe subsidiaries under the group's umbrella, mainly collecting and archiving meteorological data for analysis. Still in its infancy, the work was tedious with no prospects. And the company remained a liability—it had never generated any profit for the Xie Jing Group.

Xie Cheng kept to himself at this fringe company, without any inappropriate attempts to elbow into the group's core management or operations. But Xie Jing remained uneasy.

He had been racking his brains over what sort of new assistant to plant, when he stumbled upon a goldmine in the new recruits.

Lan Xi's resume was outstanding. She had graduated from the top business school in the country and held advanced certifications in multiple foreign languages. Her musical accomplishments spanned piano, violin, and the highest levels of grading. Aside from music, she was well-rounded in sports—figure skating, skiing, kendo, taekwondo, and more. She even held certifications as a chef, nutritionist, psychological counselor, cost estimator, and had passed the judicial exam! Her talents in tea ceremony and floral arrangement were also superb!

The Xie Jing Group's recruitment screening was extremely strict. Since Lan Xi got through, these credentials had to be real.

But someone so exceptional had been assigned to Admin Support.

There were only two types in Admin Support—those with connections and discards.

With Lan Xi's stellar background, she clearly did not belong to the former, who got in through the back door due to poor qualifications. So she had to be someone who was deliberately stuck in the dead-end department after offending someone.

Top-notch credentials, stunning looks, no connections whatsoever.

Most importantly, a small-town girl abandoned by her parents and raised in an orphanage, with zero background.

Xie Jing could not be more pleased.

"You must understand the situation at Xie Jing. By rights, after Xie Cheng comes of age, I should return management control of the company. But so far, Xie Cheng's department has accomplished nothing... I'm arranging for you to be his personal assistant mainly so you can privately report all his moves to me."

Xie Jing coughed. "The Xie Jing Group is the only thing my younger brother left behind. If Xie Cheng cannot handle it, I can't just stand by and watch him ruin the company."

"So your job will be to record what he does every day. Keep him away from unsuitable people and matters. One must know their place. You understand what I mean?"

Understand?

How could she not understand?

No one could understand better than the Princess!

Of course Xie Cheng had to know his place. He was the heir and had to shape up so he could take over the company sooner, just as she, a princess, should be earning money ASAP to fulfill her mission of conquering the Earth for future galactic domination.

"Naturally, aside from your regular salary, you'll receive an additional stipend from me, double your monthly pay."

A princess's aura cannot be hidden. Even though she had modestly chosen Admin Support, her radiance had allowed the perceptive Xie Jing to discover her brilliance.

Of course, while the Princess appreciated Xie Jing's keen insight, the extra money was still the priority.

What Xie Jing offered was really too generous.

Although Xie Cheng was very annoying and had gotten himself sent to the police station several times, Lan Xi decided to grit her teeth and reluctantly accept this mission.

Xie Jing revealed a profound smile, "Xie Cheng is guarded, aloof, and would certainly make things difficult for you if he finds out I arranged for you to go. So you have to be careful not to expose your identity and get kicked out by him. You need to flatter him and win his favor."

Of course Lan Xi understood. Xie Jing was showing his deep concerns here, even afraid that once Xie Cheng knew she was sent by Xie Jing to secretly assist in managing and teaching him, he would resist.

She solemnly nodded, "No problem!"

**

"Dear, do you think she understood your implicit words?"

As soon as Lan Xi left, Xie Jing's wife came over from the annex. She looked hesitant. She had a beauty treatment today and happened to pass by Cheng'an, so she came in and sat for a while. She didn't expect to run into this scene.

But Xie Jing reassured her with a smile. He was very confident, "Don't worry. Her resume also has a children's emotional intelligence consultant certificate! I know the value of this certificate. Only those who are cunning can pass it, otherwise how could they train children's EQ?"

"Moreover, look at her background. She's so poor, yet she specifically wrote a brief explanation in her self-introduction, explaining how she obtained so many certificates through various scholarships, corporate sponsorships, and some social welfare training courses. Under such difficult conditions, she was still able to refine her skills to this level. This shows that she is a very determined, hard-working person who can seize every opportunity. "

"It's easy to talk to smart people. Moreover, if I say too much directly, what if this girl keeps a hand behind her back and secretly records me? Wouldn't that become my weakness?"

Xie Jing explained, "By saying 'the company can't be ruined by him', I implicitly meant that I would never give the company back to Xie Cheng. 'Know your place' means that Xie Cheng should realize he can just be a debauched playboy for life. And for Xie Cheng, suitable people and matters naturally mean finding some dodgy friends and indulging in revelry. Anything proper is not suitable for him to see or do."

Xie Jing was very proud, "My words just now were subtle and contained everything that needed to be said. It was masterful fencing, hitting the point precisely."

He took a sip of tea, "I should have tried a female assistant earlier. A girl as beautiful as her, wouldn't she charm and confuse Xie Cheng? She has no background, came from the countryside, and doesn't have much money either. She was marginalized to the logistics department after offending people - a smart, poor girl would naturally see my olive branch as a lifeline."

He patted his wife's hand, "Don't worry too much. Cheng'an will naturally be left to our own son."

**

Lan Xi's excitement only lasted for a moment. Thinking of who Xie Cheng was, she calmed down. Although she could endure for money, there was no guarantee Xie Cheng could endure her and would want to kick her out early.

She still needed to mend their relationship and win Xie Cheng's favor.

Lan Xi hurriedly flipped through the "Guide to Success in the Workplace" section of the handbook -

"First, cater to your boss' preferences. Think what he thinks, be anxious about what he's anxious about. Have insight, innovate ideas, do work ahead of time, and take the initiative..."

Lan Xi understood a bit now.

Following the administrator's guidance, she arrived at Xie Cheng's office door. Just as she was hesitating how to phrase herself, she heard Xie Cheng's laughter coming from the office -

"Please don't tempt me anymore. I can hardly keep up with pulling out the weeds. These electronic products update and iterate too quickly..."

Lan Xi, who was racking her brains trying to find an opening to break the ice with Xie Cheng, suddenly felt her mind open up as she looked around.

Because Chengxin had already become independent from Cheng'an Group, Xie Cheng had a separate office building near the Cheng'an headquarters. At the top floor he was currently at, in addition to the office and rest suite, there was also a small gym, an open conference room, and a separate cafe and dining room.

The view here was open, overlooking the lake scenery. At the moment, sunlight streamed in through the floor-to-ceiling windows, shining brightly on the lush potted plants.

The floor was filled with potted plants, their green leaves stretching freely.

Looking at the green vegetation placed in every room, every hallway, and even every desktop.

There really were too many...

But she had to do work ahead of time! She had to take the initiative!

Don't be timid, just do it!

...

**

When Xie Cheng heard the knock on the door, he was languidly chatting with a potential corporate client about newly released mobile products, maintaining their relationship. He slowly hung up the phone before responding lazily to the door -

"Come in."

But it wasn't his uncle Xie Jing at the door. It was another familiar face.

The pretty girl who had just slipped her hand into his pants pocket earlier was smiling at him in a friendly manner.

"Mr. Xie! I'm your new assistant, Lan Xi!"

It was simply inconceivable.

Xie Cheng was greatly shocked. Although he knew their previous encounter was most likely also arranged by Xie Jing, sending her directly now as his watchdog, what was Xie Jing thinking? Did he feel that he couldn't see what was wrong with this woman?

"What makes you so confident I would accept you as my assistant? After you touched me, and touched me down there several times?"

Prepared for Xie Cheng's interrogation, Lan Xi already had a response.

"To resolve the misunderstanding from before, I've prepared a welcome gift for you!"

She proudly announced, "I've helped you and already pulled out all the weeds!"

Xie Cheng frowned, somewhat puzzled, "What?"

"I know you want to pull weeds but don't have time, so just now I helped you pull them all out."

The guidebook said that in addition to keeping your head down and working hard, you needed to report and use details to let your boss recognize how difficult your work was -

"To be honest, your floor had a lot of weeds. It was very laborious for me. Although some weeds looked petite, their roots were tenacious and I had to use great force to pull them out. Some weeds were oddly shaped without any leaves. Some shed their leaves as soon as I pulled them, so I had to clean up the fallen leaves all over the floor..."

As Lan Xi spoke, she thoughtfully shifted her body to present the now "barren" floorscape, allowing Xie Cheng to inspect.

Perhaps Lan Xi was just too capable and efficient, actually managing to strip the floor bare in a moment. Xie Cheng's face showed shock briefly before turning dazed. He stared at the empty pots, his voice trembling with agitation -

"All gone?! My lucky bamboos and succulents, all pulled out?!"

No, there was still one left.

Lan Xi smiled slightly and circled around Xie Cheng, walking into his office. She uprooted the last remaining green unnamed plant on his desk.

"Mr. Xie, now all the weeds have been thoroughly pulled out!"