The Ex-Space Tyrant’s Guide to Earthly Problems

Chapter 2: Reunion Roulette and WcNuggets Rendezvous

Hi, it’s me again, Sierra Fox—your favorite ex-space tyrant who may or may not have just abducted the U.S. president last night. But let’s not dwell on that. Oh, by the way, if anyone detects a moon-sized spaceship at the outer edge of the solar system, it’s just a weather balloon.

So, after that less-than-stellar diplomatic mission, and with the brain-melting transportation incident still under investigation, I thought, Hey, why not reach out to the fam? You know, ease back into Earth life by surprising my parents and little sister, who haven’t seen me in ten years and probably think I’m missing or… well, probably dead.

What could possibly go wrong?

Turns out, everything could go wrong.

Naturally, I started with my mom. I mean, she’s my mom—the woman who’s supposed to have those motherly instincts or some kind of sixth sense. Surely, she'd recognize her own child, right?

I dialed her number. The phone rang, and after a few moments, a very groggy voice answered.

"Hello?" she mumbled, clearly half-asleep and not at all in a singsong mood.

"Mom! It’s me, James! Well, I go by Sierra now, but—"

Click.

Okay, maybe 5 a.m. wasn’t the best time for a heartwarming reunion. But come on, it’s not like I could wait until morning when I had already gotten this far. I dialed again.

Ring, ring.

Her voice came back on the line, a little sharper this time. "Who is this?"

"Mom, it’s really me! I swear! Your long-lost child! James! Or, uh, Sierra! Same person, different body! It’s kind of a long story, but—"

"STOP CALLING ME, YOU WEIRDO, OR I'LL REPORT YOU!" she snapped and hung up. Again.

Of course, this time she blocked my number. But intergalactic cults couldn’t stop me, so neither could Mom’s phone settings. I called again, not even caring at this point that I was probably ruining her day.

Ring. Ring. Ring.

"WHAT?!" she yelled, clearly at the end of her rope.

"Mom, listen, I know it’s early, but it’s really me. Please, just think for a second. Remember when I hid Dad’s knockoff Rolexes in the attic? Or that time Lily and I tried to make the dog look like a zebra with Sharpies? Only James—I mean, Sierra—would know that!"

There was dead silence on the line. I waited, hoping for a spark of recognition. Instead, I got…

"JAMES IS GONE!" she screamed, the words practically vibrating through every nanomachine in my body. "MY SON IS GONE, AND I AM NOT DEALING WITH SOME SCAMMER PRETENDING TO BE HIM! STOP CALLING ME, OR I WILL REPORT YOU TO THE POLICE, THE FBI, AND THE CIA, DO YOU HEAR ME? IF YOU CALL THIS HOUSE AGAIN, I WILL PERSONALLY—"

Click.

This time, I hung up.

You see, when Mom gets like this, it’s time for a tactical retreat. I’ve learned there are battles you fight, and then there are battles you run from—at warp speed.

Feeling a bit disappointed at how shallow our bond is, I called Lily, my little sister. We used to be close—she was bright, fun, and always up for an adventure. Surely she’d be happy to hear from her long-lost sibling, right?

The phone barely rang twice before she answered, her voice sharp and cautious. "Who is this?"

"Lily! It’s me—James! Or, uh, Sierra now! I know this sounds insane, but—"

Click.

I blinked at the screen. Did she just... turn her phone off?

Well, that call also went swimmingly.

Next, Dad. And if there’s one thing I know about my dad, it’s that he’s got a past. A dark past. And no, not like crime boss or secret government agent. More like, “tried to sell knockoff Rolexes out of his car in the ‘80s.” So if there’s anyone who’d believe in a weird, improbable situation… it’s him.

With a deep breath and slightly lower expectations, I dialed Dad’s number. It rang several times before he picked up.

"Who’s this?" he grunted, sounding half-asleep. Classic Dad.

"Dad," I said, trying to sound as calm as possible. "It’s me. James. I know it sounds insane, but I got sucked into another universe, turned into a girl, and—"

“Wait,” he interrupted. “You said… James? My son?”

"Yes!" I practically screamed. "That’s me!"

There was a pause. Then, the sound of him shuffling around like he was sitting up.

"Prove it," he said in that no-nonsense Dad voice. “What’s something only you would know?”

Oh boy. I had to dig deep for this one.

"Uh… remember that time when I was ten and you accidentally crashed the car into the garage, and we never told Mom because you bribed me with pizza?"

Another pause. Then, the sound of a deep sigh. "Alright. I believe you."

Yes!

"But… you’re a girl now?”

"Yeah," I said, awkwardly. “Long story.”

Dad didn’t sound fazed. “Alright. So, you’re back. What now?”

“Well, I thought we could meet up,” I said, half-expecting him to say no. “I’m kind of, uh… in the neighborhood right now, and I’d love to see you.”

There was a shuffling sound, and then he muttered, “Alright. How about WcDonald’s? I could go for some fries.”

I blinked. “WcDonald’s? Like… the fast food place?”

“Yeah, why not? You still like WcNuggets, right?”

I smiled. “Yeah. I still like WcNuggets.”

“Alright then. WcDonald’s it is. See you in an hour, kid.”

Click.

Unbelievable—out of three people in my family, Dad is the only one who believes me.

Anyway, there was another task ahead: blending in with earthlings.

Considering I look like a silver-haired, bright blue-eyed girl, that hardly screams normal. But hey, it’s not hopeless or anything. So, I think with a minor tweak, a resourceful ex-tyrant like me could blend in without a problem.

First, I needed an identity that didn’t scream, “Intergalactic Empress of Doom.” Easy peasy. I hacked into a government database through Earth’s satellite systems (because what else do you do when you have an AI overlord at your beck and call?) and replicated a perfectly legit-looking ID using my ship’s industrial-grade replicator. Seriously, the government probably had no idea I was even there. And let’s be real, it’s not like bureaucracy is known for efficiency anyway, right?

Next, as much as I love my badass space uniform, it’s not exactly Earth casual. So, I did what any reasonable ex-space tyrant would do: I downloaded a bunch of fashion magazines and picked out an outfit that screamed, I’m totally human. Then I replicated it. Boom. Instant trendy Earthling. I went with a pair of skinny jeans, some sneakers, and a plain hoodie—low-key but stylish.

And last but not least, I needed some Earth currency. Sure, I could just beam up an ATM, but that’d be a little… obvious. Instead, I had Grams handle the financials because, you know, she loves that kind of stuff. After mining a few bitcoins and manipulating a couple of accounts (legally questionable, but who’s keeping track?), I was now a millionaire. Voilà!

"Grams," I said, grinning at the newly minted bank account. "We are rolling in Earth money now!"

Grams chimed in, “I wouldn’t call it rolling. More like casually strolling with an overstuffed wallet.”

Same difference.

Once everything was set, I beamed down to Earth, landing in a deserted alley because, you know, subtlety. Nothing says ‘blending in’ like materializing in a cloud of light next to a dumpster.

I casually strolled over to the nearest ATM, withdrew two stacks of large bills, and put them in my fashionable purse—just in case. You never know how much a WcDonald’s might cost these days, right?

And so, with a spring in my step, I waltzed into WcDonald's like I’d never left Earth at all. I ordered myself a WcNugget meal with a smoothie because, let’s face it, what else do you order at WcDonald’s when you’re meeting your dad after a ten-year absence from the galaxy?

Sitting at the table, I took a deep breath. This was it. In a few minutes, my dad—who I hadn’t seen in a decade—was going to walk through those doors, and we’d have some sort of reunion. The last time he saw me, I was a regular guy playing video games, downing energy drinks. Now, I’m a teenage girl with superpowers, silver hair, and, oh yeah, an AI companion the size of a moon.

“The neighborhood seems to have changed a bit,” I muttered, popping a nugget into my mouth. The WcDonald’s now had a fancy self-serve kiosk, and the old RadioShack across the street? Gone, replaced by a vegan smoothie bar. Ten years, and it’s like the whole place decided to trade resistors for kale.

Right on cue, the door opened, and there he was. My dad. He looked almost exactly the same, just a little more gray in the hair and a little less patience in his eyes. He glanced around, spotted me, and hesitated.

Then he walked over slowly, eyeing me up and down like he wasn’t entirely sure this was real. “James?”

I waved awkwardly, trying to be casual, but knowing I probably looked more like a space alien than ever. “Uh, yeah. Hey, Dad. It’s… me.”

He sat down across from me, still staring, and let out a long sigh.

“Well, you weren’t kidding,” he said, eyeing my silver hair.

“Kidding about what?” I asked, offering him a nugget.

“You’re a girl now. You’ve got silver hair, blue eyes, and what do young people call it these days? Cosplay, right? Should I be worried, or is this just your latest phase?” He raised an eyebrow, giving me that classic, skeptical dad look.

I laughed. “You think this is a phase?”

“Kid, I’ve seen you go through punk rock, emo, and that brief phase when you only wore capes. But this? This takes the cake.”

“Yeah, this one’s sticking. No capes, though. That was a mistake.” I left out the part where my tyrant uniform still has a cape, but what happens outside Earth is technically outside Dad’s jurisdiction.

He grinned, clearly amused. “Glad we agree on that. Now, how does this whole ‘another universe’ thing work? And more importantly, how can we use it to keep your mom off my back the next time I mess up?”

“…You know, Dad, I have a moon-sized spaceship parked at the edge of the solar system, and all you want from me is to keep Mom off your back?” I chuckled at how simple my dad is.

“Well, a man can wish.” He smiled.

We both chuckled, and for a moment, seeing Dad still being Dad, it felt like no time had passed at all.

And now that Dad’s on board, there’s just the small matter of figuring out how to convince my mom and sister. No big deal, right? Considering how this morning went, what could possibly go wrong?