The Devil lives in the Music of Top Star

Episode 13

My first-ever performance ended with the words “Thank you.”

“Great job!”

“Your performance was amazing! Totally awesome!”

As I returned to the van, the band members of “Desks and Chairs” greeted me with compliments.

I couldn’t remember the last time someone said something like that to me, so I responded with an awkward smile.

[Hey, good job. You did well. It wasn’t up to my standards, but for a beginner, it was a decent performance.]

‘Thanks.’

Though he always added some criticism, this was a significant compliment from him.

[By the way, your emotions seemed to change suddenly right before the performance. It was like flipping a switch.]

‘All of a sudden, I felt excited…’

[You’re a strange one… ]

‘It was a weird experience for me too.’

[Anyway, it looks like you can just leave now. The other performers have all gone.]

‘Oh, really?’

Looking around, I noticed that the members of “Desks and Chairs” were heading towards the stage, and aside from the staff, no one else was around.

As I stood there awkwardly, wondering what to do next, someone approached.

“Great job!”

“Ah, yes. Thank you.”

It was a student from the previous audition.

“The people who performed earlier are drinking at our student council’s bar. Would you like to join us? If it’s uncomfortable, you can just hang out at the Korean literature department’s bar with your friends.”

Honestly, I didn’t care either way. 

I thought it would be uncomfortable no matter where I went…

“Um… Let me think about it.”

“Sure, I’ll be right behind the van, so just let me know! You were amazing today!”

“Yes, thank you.”

I watched the cheerful student disappear behind the van and fell into contemplation.

‘Where should I go? Should I just go home?’

[Hmm… If you’re going somewhere, go to a new place. That might be better.]

‘Wouldn’t that be more uncomfortable?’

[Ah… I don’t know either…]

The demon’s tone was odd.

‘What’s wrong with you?’

[Actually, as soon as that person left, a deal was made.]

‘Oh, really? What did you trade?’

[Popularity…]

“What!”

I blurted out without realizing it.

Some of the staff in the van looked at me strangely, but that wasn’t important right now.

[Why are you so difficult!]

‘What? Why are you getting mad at me…’

[Sigh… Never mind. Do whatever you want.]

I was curious about the demon’s sudden outburst, but something else was demanding my attention more.

The most shocking realization was my own unconscious desire.

I had always thought that getting attention from others wasn’t that important to me.

Realizing that I subconsciously wanted attention made me feel somewhat sad.

[Have you decided where to go?]

‘Yeah.’

After answering the demon, I opened the van door and walked towards the student from earlier.

* * *

[Kiya… Performing at a festival to celebrate spring and going home without a single drink… ]

‘I just want to go home. I think I’d be more comfortable there.’

[You’re like the ultimate enigma. Half of the popularity you gained from the performance is wasted, but don’t you want to enjoy it?]

‘I don’t know.’

[What do you mean, you don’t know?]

‘I just realized that I unconsciously wanted to be popular. If I go and enjoy myself and end up liking the attention, remembering my past self will make me feel sad.’

Because it would prove that I had wanted attention all along…

[…]

Come to think of it, there were times when I forgot about my hatred towards Representative Kim Jung-hyuk.

This deal seemed like evidence of that.

After that, there was a brief silence in my mind.

The demon didn’t respond, and I didn’t continue speaking either.

Thoughts of how pitiful my past self was washed over me.

I never had time to think about wanting to receive warm attention from someone, all I ever got was harassment or pain.

Of course, there were definitely moments when I was happy, but those emotions weren’t what I was focused on right now.

If I could meet my past self, I’d want to tell him it’s okay and give him a hug.

[Yeah, if that’s what you’re comfortable with, resting at home is a good idea.]

‘By the way, why did you get mad earlier?’

[…]

The demon paused for a moment before speaking.

[I was frustrated that I didn’t realize how much you were holding back.]

‘Are you saying you pity me?’

[Well, somewhat… You’re the first person I’ve met who wanted popularity but didn’t show it. The desire for popularity is usually so strong that it’s always noticeable.]

‘Hmm…’

The demon and I were thinking alike.

Even though I had always denied it, it was painful to realize that someone like me, who was an outsider, secretly craved attention.

I always thought that gaining attention and popularity was something impossible for me.

The fact that the demon and I confirmed my hidden desire for popularity through this deal was proof.

If I went to the drinking party and received a lot of attention, I might feel good, but my lonely past would seem too pitiful.

Though I would get more attention in the future compared to my past, tonight, I just wanted to go home.

[It was so heartbreaking that I got mad. Why?]

‘Do you think I’m not good enough…’

[Stop talking nonsense. If you were really that hopeless, I wouldn’t have appeared. If there was no potential, I wouldn’t have shown up.]

‘I want to change too.’

[Starting today.]

‘What do you mean?’

[Stop having such pathetic thoughts. Do you want to live like that forever?]

‘I hate it too. I want to change. After the performance, I clearly heard it. People cheered for me. I remember all those looks they gave me.’

[Yeah, that’s right. Think about those things. Feeling sorry for yourself should end today.]

‘Yeah, I understand. Such thoughts will only hold me back.’

[Good, at least you get it. Cheer up. Let’s go home and eat something nice today.]

After our serious conversation, I joked around with the demon and ordered some delivery food.

As I walked further away from the school, the crowd thickened.

People were chatting, and drunken with each other.

Some were smoking, waiting for someone.

Others were listening to music through their earphones, heading somewhere.

There were quite a few couples too.

People build relationships, love, hate, feel happiness, and harbor resentment towards each other.

The demon gave me power, causing a small change.

I wanted to ensure that the change brought about by the demon remained a ‘small change.’

I wanted to take charge of the rest of my life and make changes myself.

What I gained from today’s performance wasn’t just recognition or stage experience; it was the realization that I should be honest with myself.

And a determination to face relationships head-on without fear.

Now that I had confirmed my subconscious, I didn’t want to deceive myself any longer.

Today I’m heading home to wash away my fatigue, but starting tomorrow I’ll be out in the world with a healthy mind.

The streets were as bright as the sun with neon signs.

Crowds filling the space in between.

I took a step forward, ready to swim through the crowd for the first time.

* * *

-Beeeeeep…

“Ugh…”

[Time to wake up. How long are you going to sleep?]

“What time is it…?”

[7 O’Clock. Not Going to School]

“I have to go….”

I had a hard time getting up because I couldn’t sleep well.

The demon, as usual, said he felt sick again and disconnected from me for a while.

Thanks to that, I had a calm mind and could think about many things alone.

[Did you sleep for three hours?]

“Feels like two….”

[Let’s wash up quickly and go to school. Time to feel that halved popularity.]

I finished showering while still in a dazed state.

As usual, I skipped breakfast.

My hand hesitated when I went to pick out my usual clothes.

[Hah… Finally coming to your senses.]

“Hmm….”

I almost grabbed the clothes I wear every day but thought it might be a bit much.

“But dressing up right after the performance seems too much like I care too much about what people think.”

[Aren’t you already doing that?]

“Well….”

[You don’t have to dress up noticeably. Just not the same kind you always wear. Don’t you know ‘natural but stylish’?]

“You sound weird whenever you say things like that.”

[What did I do?]

“Never mind.”

So, instead of my usual sweatshirt, I picked a different outfit.

* * *

I had two hours of Modern Poetry Theory class in the morning.

-Creak….

As I opened the classroom door and walked in, I felt some eyes on me.

I felt awkward all over but walked as if nothing was wrong.

[Hey, aren’t you walking too stiffly?]

‘No, I’m totally natural right now.’

Of course, it was just my own thought.

A kind of self-hypnosis….

Despite feeling awkward because of the stares, I couldn’t help but be curious.

While organizing my thoughts last night, something piqued my curiosity strongly.

It was ‘half the popularity.’

I already sit on the second seat with the window.

It was like my designated seat.

For some reason, the way to that seat felt longer than usual.

It wasn’t an uncomfortable feeling.

Awkwardness was the most fitting word.

As usual, I sat down, took out my books, and decided to look at my phone until the professor arrived.

Music chart rankings, new releases from famous singers, etc.

My main interest was solely music.

As I got absorbed in what I liked, I began to forget about the stares around me.

-Knock, knock….

Then, I heard a cautious knock on my desk.

“Uh…”

I looked up to see who it was.

“Hi, hyung. I enjoyed your performance yesterday.”

“Oh…. Thanks.”

“I’m 21, so you can talk comfortably.”

“Oh, uh, sure… Thanks….”

[Sure… Thanks…. Oh man, you’ve broken down….]

I bet the demon was shaking his head and rubbing his forehead at my slip of the tongue.

Next to the guy who greeted me was another student.

“Hyung, actually, this guy does music too and wants to get close to you.”

“Music?”

When I turned my head, I saw a clean-cut guy looking at me.

“I really enjoyed your performance yesterday. Did you arrange that?”

“Oh, yeah…. I did.”

“Wow….”

The two of them exchanged impressed looks.

“So, hyung, if you have time, would you like to come to our studio later?”

“Studio?”

“Yes, we have a studio in Hongdae. We thought it would be great if you could come over, talk, and hang out.”

“Oh, well, sure.”

-Creak….

As soon as I responded, the professor walked into the classroom.

“Then, I’ll give you my number after class!”

It was all very overwhelming.

[You’ve got a bite.]

‘Yeah, seems like it….’

[By the way, did you know there was another music guy in this department?]

‘How would I know….’

[True….]

* * *

“Hyung! Hyung! Hyung!”

“Ah, yes….”

As soon as class ended, those two came rushing to me.

“I’ll give you my number. Give me your phone.”

“Oh, okay.”

“No, instead of that, hyung, would you like to have lunch with us?”

“Oh… Lunch?”

I hesitated for a moment but quickly answered, not wanting the silence to stretch.

“Sure.”

[Oh, nice. You’re really okay with it?]

‘They do music. We’ll probably have a lot to talk about compared to others….’

The fact that they did music made the idea of having lunch together less unpleasant.

‘It’s a kind gesture. I won’t refuse.’

[Oh, good. Let’s eat together.]

“Great, hyung! Should we go out to eat?”

“Sure, sounds good. Let’s take my car.”

“Wow! That’s awesome! You have a car, hyung?”

“Yeah, it’s not a great car, though….”

“Who cares about that? We walk everywhere. Let’s go!”

“Okay.”

So, for the first time, I headed out for lunch with newfound friends to Yeonhui-dong.

It was still awkward, and I wasn’t used to such situations.

But it was a pleasant experience.

Half the popularity.

Little by little, I was beginning to sense the size of it, which even the devil couldn’t know for sure.