NOVEL NEXT Chapter 24 – A Woman Whose Learn Love, Ai Second
Ai Perspective
However, even three years after I became an idol, I couldn't understand what love was. Also, in the end, even though I was recruited as an idol, I also became the center of a new group called B-Komachi. Our performances on stage were very limited. Then the company focused more on our training first.
At that time, my problem was… I’m only someone who came from an orphanage that always lies and hates people. I don’t think I try to fit in, of course; I have difficulty not only with the member itself but with other people in the set too.
Some people might think of me as a bumpkin who just arrived from the countryside, and that made me create more walls around me with other people. My thoughts back then were to get better at singing and dancing, saying those words to the fans so that I could learn about love.
It was until one of the backstage staff introduced me to a certain theater troupe. He said that I may learn something else from this small theater troupe called The Lalalie Theatrical Company.
To be honest, I don’t think that much about those recommendations, but I could feel some genuine worry coming from that man. So I felt like coming to that place but never thought to meet him.
I think I was captivated by his eyes and his memorized acting skills. There was a moment where I thought, if I can act like that, my lies will become more real in the eyes of the fans.
To my surprise, he agreed to teach me how to act. The man was Kamiki Hikaru, a man one year younger with a handsome face and a good manner. He taught me quite well, and because of that, the two of us met often. So I couldn't help but feel interested and curious about him.
Especially his eyes, which captivated me more than anything else. It was the first time I felt that way, I had such a burning passion that I started paying more attention to my appearance and I started taking her to restaurants recommended by the staff. It wasn’t that long before I had a relationship with him and had a sexual relationship with him too.
However, as my relationship with him continued and I learned more about acting. Slowly that burning passion faded away, and I also realized that he didn't really love me or anything that serious. His feelings for me were simply different... or maybe we just desired each other...
How do I say this? I made an adolescent mistake… Tehee… I doubt I really love him, and he doesn’t love me either… So naturally, our relationship was over without any difficulty.
However, a few weeks later, I found out that I might be pregnant with his child. It was an easy guess with all the signs I was experiencing, and my growing belly started to become noticeable.
Ichigo was really angry. I think, but he still brought me to a hospital in the countryside, so we don’t make any scandals. After I had been checked, I found out that I was 20 weeks in while expecting twins.
Twins… Huh… To be honest, it was such a surprise when I heard that. Well, I immediately had two children instead of one. Although maybe when I heard the news, it made me a little anxious and scared.
I mean, can someone like me who hasn't experienced love or loved someone be a good parent.
Ichigo was still very anxious and worried about my condition, and there was a possibility that if the news of this pregnancy became public, then my career as an idol as well as the Strawberry Production Company could be ruined.
At that time, I was quite confused by this sudden situation and asked the doctor who examined me.
"Doctor, what do you think?"
"In the end, it's your decision. Think carefully before you decide. As a doctor, that's all I can say."
After that, I really thought deeply. There were many things that came to mind. Then of all the things that crossed my mind.
The thing that bothered me the most was how my mother had abandoned me...
Would I do the same as my mother? I didn't do the same as my mother. But at the same time, there were doubts in my mind. Can someone like me become a good parent for my own child?
Me, who never knew love or loved someone… When I think about it I can’t help but wonder if this child will be alright with someone like me or if it would be best for us… If I never had them in the first place.
Ahaha... How could I think such a nasty thing? If I'm not mistaken, it's a bad thing for those babies if their moms are under stress. Maybe it would be better if I went for a walk.
I thought this hospital didn't have many patients, but I could see there were some patients with their families or maybe their friends. Until I saw a sick child with his mother. When I saw them, there was something that always stuck in my mind.
Yeah, I think there was a time when I was sick or sad while crying alone and saw those people who had family. I always envy them. Envy and jealousy that they had a family.
At that time, I looked at my bulging belly and realized something. I could have my own family. Yes, I guess I don't have to think too much about whether I ever loved or loved someone.
But I can have my own family and make my own happy family. Instead of focusing on those matters, what I need to focus on is making me happy and these twins happy so that there is a chance someday... someday...
I will love them unconditionally.
Yeah, I don’t have a family, and I’ve always wanted one. If that is the case why I’m not making one with these twins. When I have them, I’m sure they’ll be noisy, and we’ll become a very lively family.
I’ll give birth to my kids… and I will continue to be an idol.
Being happy as a mother or being happy as an idol—normally, people only get to pick one. But still, I want my happiness… in the end, we have emotions and a life too.
That’s why I want both…
When I thought about those, I found myself on the rooftop… I wonder if it's because I want to be alone or I want to see the stars that are different from Tokyo, like Ichigo said to me. It was really different, as I could see the stars so clearly.
Ah, it looked like the doctor that treated me actually recognized me, and I don’t know if this is a coincidence or not, but my conversation with him was not far from or similar to all of my thoughts previously. It was as if they were trying to convince me or something.
and when I talked with the doctor, I actually made my own convictions clear. At that time, I felt like my mind was clear, and the smile I flashed on the doctor may have been genuine.
I want both…
Happiness as a mother.
Happiness as an idol.
And one day I will learn what it means to be loved and to love someone.
