Thank You For Being Trash

It was love that began with hatred.

My hatred that greedily ate up all her life. My hatred, from which I didn’t know where it started. The hate that ate everything of you and me… the love that ate everything of me and you. I ate you, your mind and everything.

I wanted to fill you with me.

I wanted to be the only one in your world. That was how I made your world filled with me, but why didn't I like your world filled with me as much as I thought?

The fake smile? The fake expression? The fake love? Or the hatred toward me that overflows beyond your eyes? Or not remembering your erased past.

I want to see you.

I want to see you.

I want to see you clearly angry and clearly hating me.

I want to see you alive and breathing, Arne.

When I looked at your fake smile towards me, I wanted to see you genuinely smiling at me so much… so I set myself on the road to ruin.

Look at me and smile, Arne.

Because I don't know how to love someone or how to be loved. I have no choice but to destroy myself if she wants to. I have no choice but to walk down the road to ruin, for that one bright smile.

* * *

A tumultuous morning dawned. It was an expected day. He looked at Arne, who was sleeping next to him.

He gazed at Arne’s face, who was soundly asleep, and let out a breath. The ending she wanted was his downfall and ruin. Distria was also aware of his slowly approaching end. Even so, he pretended not to know, and he just mechanically splattered blood as she wished.

An empty imperial Palace, the public sentiment that fell to the ground, and the local nobles who wouldn’t listen to him.

Still, she and him were together in the vast space where nothing was left.

What an ideal look

“Your Majesty, that woman is not acceptable.”

“Shut up.”

The night the last drops of blood were sprinkled on the floor. The night he killed the last loyalist of the empire. The night he killed the one who said the right thing until the end among the people who spit out the words from their mouths.

Distria held her in his arms that day as well. His heart was beating with a thump.

It fluctuated.

Loving her who hated him… yet he still loved her nonetheless.

As the hatred grew, so did the love. Denying that he loved her until his heart burst, devoured, and hurt, then admitting it. He held on to her ruined life. Even if he wanted to kill her, he couldn’t imagine a life without her.

He loved Arne so much that life was difficult, though he didn't know how to express himself properly. Although he wanted to see her with the feelings that he crushed and killed, she was already twisted and doesn't know what to do. She didn’t know how to get really angry and how to really smile at him.

Let's do what she wanted. Then, she would smile at him at the end.

He thought so.

And in the end, he walked the path of downfall with a fixed end.

Looking at her sleeping face, he slowly got up.

Arne.

She may have wanted his downfall, but he didn't want her end. It wasn't that he preyed on her life, hoping for an end. Although it was always torn between hate and love, Distria wanted her to live. He moved slowly. He prepared the clothes for her to wear.

This would be the last one, too.

Even in the face of death, there were laughs. He didn’t know what was so funny.

He laughed.

Now, there were only a few knights and maids left in this imperial palace. He killed them all. He walked through an empty hallway, a hallway where the sound of weapons and screams could be heard from everywhere while immersed in personal feelings.

Distria knew the end of this rotten empire from the very beginning.

He knew the end of the man who had killed his brother and climbed up in blood. In the books designated as forbidden by the empire, the bloodthirsty and the lust-crazed… those who were mad, the end of those emperors was not always good.

He had no doubt that he would be like that, too.

Even so, he had no regrets about what he had done so far.

Killing people, killing flesh and blood, betraying the faith. Having been born and raised like this, he has no regrets either. He was born this way, grew up like this, and gained a breath from her, so he has no regrets.

How precious and sweet her breath was.

Even a b*stard like him knew how to love, and a b*stard like him loved someone… so maybe that was why it was sweet. It was such a dream-like time.

The time seemed like an illusion.

Waking up from that dream didn't hurt that much. He just hoped that she would smile at the end of this.

He hoped so.

He raised the loosely gripped sword. The imperial palace was in an uproar, and knights without honor and without faith ran through the corridors in an unexpected mess. As he killed all the returning knights, cold corpses gradually piled up in the hallway.

The sword was soaked in blood.

As the bodies piled up, the scent of blood grew stronger. He blankly looked up at the ceiling. Distria among piles of corpses in a vast space. It was a very fitting picture.

Endless killing until the last moment.

Soon, the castle collapsed, and the rebels attacked. The hallway was already messed with blood, with hundreds of knights in front of him. After that, a vast expeditionary force followed one after another. He met the black eyes with silver hair standing proudly at the forefront.

Those black eyes burning with hatred. The surroundings became quiet in the already miserable environment where nothing was worth doing. Silence fell.

Clank!

A loud sound broke the silence. On the floor, the blood-soaked sword that he was holding fell. Even though Distria, who was standing in it, was aware of the situation that was about to unfold. His lips curled upwards, and he smiled.

He raised both of his hands up.

“I was waiting for you.”

“….”

"I'm tired of being Emperor now."

…The end of that pit, the beginning of ruin.

Inside, Distria laughed. He expected Arne to smile at him.

* * *

Cold floor, and blood that kept leaking out.

In his blinking vision, Distria tried to catch his fading sight. Although Derhan’s voice buzzed in his ears, it didn't sound right. It sounded cut off, but he was able to catch his fading spirit because Derhan was constantly talking about something.

“Your end was so easy, so futile, so… I didn’t expect much.”

Derhan loosely dropped the tip of his sword and smiled bitterly. He then lifted Distria's chin with the handle of the sword.

“Crazy for women and selling out the country, the same as your father.”

It was so quiet for a while.

Distria gasped for breath and managed to keep his mind. In a space where there are only two living people, there were someone's footsteps.

The owner of the footsteps was obvious.

She, she, she…

‘She that I have been waiting for.’

The sound of footsteps got closer and closer as he barely held on to the fading vision.

Come on, come see me.

May she see the ruin she wanted, the end she wanted… and smile brightly.

He could see little bloody feet.

There was a sweet buzzing in his ears. Was it because of her voice? It was sweet… a voice with the emotion he wanted. He wanted to look up and see her face. He didn’t care about the pain of the piercing sword, but why was his heart numb and sore?

He couldn't tell.

Look at me, Arne.

Woongg—

There was a ringing, and through Distria’s dying mind, a single sentence was clearly audible.

“You lost.”

She didn't smile as he wanted. She didn't even cry or get angry or furious.

She didn't look at him.

His despair, his abyss, his long-awaited ruin… it was nothing to her. It was a bit silly. How did he complacently think that she would smile at him? She didn’t even look at him.

What was on it, and what was hidden? It was a mystery. Distria tried to reach out his hand, but he lost consciousness. Fading lights, increasingly distant sounds, and now the distant other side was approaching.

His heart was miraculously at peace now that death was approaching.

But still, there was something left that he wished for. He pushed with great force towards the other side that was approaching.

…Not yet.

Arne.

Was it right to kill you? If so, would I still be sitting in the Emperor's seat with only a lie?

* * *

Distria was imprisoned inside a cold iron cage. The pain that made it hard to breathe overcame him. He relaxed, then opened his eyes again, and when the pain rose, he relaxed again. Death was up to the neck.

It was right that if he wanted to die comfortably, he must die now.

What kind of regret was making him hold on to life? He couldn't close his eyes.

He woke up to the sound of the door opening and footsteps. Distria lifted his head at the scent of her body in the shady, dirty space. As his obscured vision saw nothing, he was a little regretful that he couldn't see her in front of him.

What kind of eyes was she looking at him with? He wanted her to smile.

“Uhrrr… uh…”

‘I missed you. Arne.’

No words came out of his closed mouth.

“Scared? Are you still afraid of that person now he’s become like that?”

Derhan’s sharp voice, the sound of the iron cage being opened, and the violence poured down on him.

“Stop…! Stop, don't.”

Arne's tearful voice. If she didn't smile, his death would be meaningless. Her face was visible in his open view.

Taking a rough breath, keeping his breath in order and he let out the words.

“I missed you, Arne.”

That was the only thing that came to his mind at that moment. As he finally uttered it out, the look of fear in her eyes that were afraid of him and the feeling of trembling despite the ruin she so longed for made him feel strange.

I was the one who messed you up, so why aren't you happy?

He used his life hoping for her smile because she didn’t smile. If that were the case, if she wouldn't have smiled like that, if he wouldn't have been able to see a piece of her smile… he’d rather only covet her body.

That came as another shock.

Spending time wasting life on things that were unlikely, and he acted like he was possessed by something. Distria regretted this moment as he behaved stupidly. While having such a hateful love, to have a love that chews to the bone until the very end.

He acted so foolishly.

“I love you, Arne. I love you.”

In order to see just a smile, he walked the path of downfall. Still, he couldn't see that smile.

* * *

Morning dawned on the execution ground.

Distria looked for Arne through his blurry vision.

She wasn’t there.

He thought that if he could see her face one last time at the end, that was enough. When he died, his body would become food for wild beasts, and his soul would fall into hell, where he wouldn’t be able to escape until the end of this world.

He waited for death to come.

Through his blurry vision, he could see a gray-haired man. The man who he thought was weak and insignificant and did not expect to live to see the sight. The man whom someone told him had committed suicide.

Rewan.

The woman, the woman I loved, Soranno von Arne. I’ll kill her.

He never thought of her living by the side of Rewan, whom she loved. Of course, he thought that she would come back to him after living a life that was ruined because of him.

The moment his neck fell, he regretted saving her. He should have gone with her. He regretted not being able to go with her.

I'll kill you. I'll chew up your soul.

He was blinded by love for a while and made the wrong choice. He made a stupid choice.

So, he had to die without gaining anything.

__