Thank You For Being Trash

I was awakened by the rustle and touch in my hair. As I watched my hair slipping out of someone's grip, I bit the soft flesh of my mouth, wondering if it was a dream.

It hurt, it wasn't a dream.

"Who…”

However, my voice didn't come out right. I touched my lips with my fingers. Cracked lips. I was aware of the heat in the hot breath leaking out of my mouth. The stranger did not answer my question.

A cold towel touched my head.

“Shhh… Get some more sleep.”

My ears were buzzing, and I couldn't hear the voice. Even though I tried to force myself to open my eyes, the stranger's hand closed them. In addition, the weight of my eyes was heavy.

"Ah… wh…”

I couldn't finish my words, but I fell asleep.

The night passed like that.

Distria came early in the morning. After stroking my chapped lips and swollen cheeks, he kissed me. The blanket came down. He gazed at my naked body and turned towards the white dress tucked in a mess in one corner.

“…Did you take off the clothes I gave you?”

He looked uncomfortable. I didn't answer his question. As he ran his fingers down slowly as if examining my body, he pointed with his finger at the red mark he hadn't left.

“…Who is it?"

I turned my head. When I didn't answer, Distria grabbed my chin. His hands forced me to turn my head. I grabbed his hand with both hands as I didn't want to look him in the eyes. My hands trembled as I tried hard not to look at him.

Distria removed his hand from my chin. My hand that was holding it trembled. He lifted the dress that was stuck in the corner.

Riipp.

It was messed with semen, and the fabrics attached to it ripped with a sound.

Distria threw the rags dress.

"Ha. You don't want to see my face anymore."

"No. Get out of here.”

I felt a gaze behind my back. I was sitting, still looking at the wall.

Creak.

The bed made a noise. As Distria went out, I could hear the door slam shut. The sound of footsteps became fainter as time passed.

When I couldn't hear the sound, I could let out a rough breath.

The action I just showed was an act that deserved a hit. However, he didn't hit me. What tune did he want me to dance to? I hated his suffocating gap. I didn't understand. Letting out a heavy breath, I shut my eyes and pulled the blanket all the way over.

My heart was beating aimlessly.

Was he scared?

I shook my head.

…No. No.

My fingertips trembled.

* * *

Acacia banged his head on the floor.

“I had no intention of blaming you. Raise your head. It's not your fault.”

His worry met my eyes, but strangely, nothing happened. Like something was broken in me, I couldn't feel anything, and the worries I had while thinking of Acacia faded away. Would I feel bad if I met his worried gaze? I thought it was going to be worse.

Perhaps, I was broken so I couldn’t feel anything. Had my concern dulled my sympathy? An unknown question ran through my mind. It keeps on going round and round in my head.

Or was I going crazy?

"Stop."

I got out of bed and sat down in front of Acacia. I stroked his hair gently and touched his bruised cheeks. Acacia slowly raised his head. Seeing him crying, I met his eyes filled with a deep sense of guilt.

Tears welled up in his eyes and dripped down his cheeks and to the floor.

“Forgive… Forgive me.”

Like he didn’t know how to cry, he cried like a child crying for the first time. I wiped away his tears. I hugged Acacia and patted him soothingly.

I didn’t really care.

I brooded over the words that I couldn't bear to say. I didn't want to disappoint those who cared about me and those who believed in me. Like shackles leading me to the floor, I kept stopping those words from coming out. I couldn't say anything, as if a thorn had grown in my mouth.

‘I don't want to disappoint you.'

Thump.

My heart raced. I felt something was wrong.

…Wrong, this was a strange feeling.

Why? I said I loved Rewan, although I easily lost him. I chose pleasure instead. My lips parted forcibly from a certain impulse.

"No."

The word did not contain my will. Acacia gazed at me. I turned my head, not wanting to look him in the eyes. As I parted my cracked lips and let out what I had to say, it was an uncontrollable feeling.

“I’m fine.”

I couldn't guess what kind of expression Acacia would look at me. In that brief moment of silence, his hands on the floor trembled.

“…Is that so."

I raised my head at the plain words that contained no disappointment or criticism.

Suddenly, tears fell onto the back of my hand. Were they Acacia’s tears? I glanced at him. Acacia wasn't crying. Instead, he reached out his hand and wiped away the tears flowing from my eyes. I couldn't imagine how long it had been since I last cried.

“…Why? What? Why am I crying?”

My hand, which wiped away my own tears, trembled. My heart, which I thought was broken, was in a fuss. I didn't even know how I felt and how I was crying.

"It’s my… fault."

“Arne.”

He called me with a calm voice. My eyesight was blurry. I covered my face with both hands.

“…I’m sorry."

I spat an apology out of my mouth. I apologized to whom I did not know. My mind was confused. Hot air leaked out of my mouth. Collapsing, I leaned my face on Acacia's shoulder. I felt the tears flowing and closed my eyes.

It hurt.

My body ached so much. I exhaled incessantly. I needed warmth. I held Acacia's hand tightly. He occasionally wiped my sweaty forehead with the sleeve of his shirt.

“…Don't go."

"Yes."

I grabbed a handful of his body heat. It felt like the warmth would disappear when I opened my eyes. As I thought so, my chest crumbled without a sound. I didn't even know how or where it was broken. I would get lost and confused for a while and get used to the pleasures that fill my body again.

…As always.

* * *

Tap.

Seeing a bundle of cloth on the floor, I turned my head. Distria was standing there looking at me with indifferent eyes. With trembling hands, I pulled on the cloth. A man who was white… I was startled and took a step backwards.

I took a step back and tripped on the bed before collapsing.

"Haa… ha."

I looked at Distria with a shocked expression.

“…What."

As he lowered his head and grabbed my chin, he fixed my eyes intently. I couldn't even think of avoiding his gaze.

Distria laughed softly.

“Now, you’re looking at me.”

Creak.

Distria, who propped up his arms on the bed, kissed me. It was a long kiss, as if he didn't care about the corpse next to him. His hand touched my waist. His hand, which had been touching the scar on my thigh, came up to my chest.

“I think your feelings are hurt because of that bastard.”

“So, you killed him?”

Contrary to the light tone of speech, the content was heavy. Distria nodded as though he wanted me to see it. Slowly, I turned my head and faced the cold head.

Distria's lips touched my chest. He lifted the thin clothes with his lips and licked my breasts.

"Yes."

"You’re crazy."

"I know."

Distria's hand, which had been stroking my chest, touched my neck. His fingers strangled me lightly.

“I want to kill you for preventing me from judging me rationally.”

His fingers tightened around my neck. I gazed into his eyes before closing my eyes at the mysterious eyes that I couldn't understand. There was no hatred in it. It wasn't the eyes looking at the person he wanted to kill.

"However…”

The power that had been holding me down was released. I looked at him.

“I wish you lived. Struggle as much as you can and live.”

The light-hearted tone returned to seriousness. Those unknown eyes were once again filled with the feeling of disgust. Distria got away from above me. He bent down and picked up the cloth on the floor.

“I’ll go for now.”

An unknown person. An unknown time. Unknown.

* * *

Since when did the end become unknown? I was helpless. The footsteps of those who came to see me while guarding the room suddenly stopped at some point. That must be Distria’s doing.

Staring blankly at the sky, I turned my head at the unfamiliar sight.

It was someone I didn't know.

As his large hands clasped my neck, he ran his lips all over my body. I stared blankly at the ceiling. Excited breath, eyes wet with excitement, and hot body… All were things I liked.

"Haa… ha…”

However, why was it that the stuttering touches seemed like bugs were crawling? I didn't understand. Wasn't this something I liked? Wasn't this the place I wanted to go? The man pulled away from me, preparing for insertion.

What kind of impulse was it?

I took out the dagger I had tucked under my pillow. I couldn't remember the parts that Acacia pointed out while holding the dagger.

I swung randomly.

Slash.

There was the sound of something being cut. I couldn't guess which part I cut, so I closed my eyes. There was hot liquid on my hand. My head ached from the smell of blood.

My heart was pounding.

“Aarrrghh…!”

When a sharp scream rang in my ears, I closed my eyes tightly and swung the dagger wildly once more.

Riip.

Every time I stabbed it deeply, the liquid splashed out and smeared somewhere on my body. The body of the person who had cooled down fell onto my thigh.

Dirty. It was terrible. I couldn't even think of opening my eyes. A few times, I swung the dagger at random against the dead. There was no way a dead person could speak though it sounded like an inaudible scream.

What happened to me? What was wrong with me?

“Arne.”

A soft voice suddenly reached my ears, and a warm body temperature enveloped my body. As he gripped my trembling fingertips, I turned my head. Our eyes met. Tears welled up and flowed from my eyes.

Why was I crying? I didn’t deserve to cry.

“Good job.”

Acacia snatched the dagger from my hand. He moved the cold body from above me. I grabbed his collar.

“I am the one who killed him.”

“…Huhu.”

“I killed him. Arne.”

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