Ten Shadows in the Heian Era

Reincarnation is a strange thing. In Western nations, contemplating your own reincarnation is considered a foolish, childish thing to do. Yet, in many Eastern nations, reincarnation is not considered a silly fiction, but a simple fact of life.

Grass is green, the sky is blue, and the Wheel of Samsara spins eternal, granting our souls eternal life so long as we remain ignorant.

So, ultimately, I didn't find myself overly shocked when I was reborn after death. Truthfully, I can accept reincarnation as a fact of life easily enough.

The part that has me confused however, is why I remember. Reincarnation being a fact isn't incredibly shocking. But if Reincarnation is what is true, then why do I alone remember my past life?

It's something that I used to worry about in the quiet nights. Mostly, I'd fret that my reincarnation was a mistake, and that I would get corrected.

I don't want that. I don't want to die.

But over time, nothing happened and my fear faded. In it's place, I found wonder.

I can't claim to understand how reincarnation works. I am not a God. But somehow, I found myself in the past.

I don't know when exactly, but I am at least centuries in the past, perhaps up to millennia.

And it is beautiful.

Not everything is an improvement of course. All the creature comforts I was used to are gone. The beds are less comfortable, the toiletries leave much to be desired and the endless entertainment of the internet is gone.

Yet, after the first couple of years passed, I found myself not at all missing the internet.

My first memory in this world is looking up at an enormous Torii gate as a babe, abandoned in a basket before a small shrine.

Since then, I was taken in by the caretaker of this shrine, an elderly man I only know as Kinoshita-kamunushi, Kinoshita being his name and Kamunushi being his title.

When I was four I asked him why he wanted to go by -kamunushi rather than -san, -sama or -dono or something like that, and he told me that his late wife was the Miko of this shrine, and that it is all he has left of her.

So he insists on the honorific that explicitly decrees him as the man who tends to the shrine.

It felt bittersweet to me, hearing Kinoshita talk about his late wife. On one hand, she must have been a wonderful woman for their love to have been so deep, but on the other, she is gone.

I never put much stock in pretending to be the child I am not, so I didn't worry about seeing too mature when I remarked that is is better to build fond memories you will later mourn than to live a life without any joy to lose.

He let me start helping around the shrine after that, saying that he can trust me to treat it with the proper respect. 

Which I do. I make sure to follow his lessons, to go through the motions he taught me and to treat the kami with the respect they deserve, even if I can't find it in myself to truly worship them as he does.

Part of it is simply because I don't know how real they are. Since I have reincarnated, I obviously believe there is some truth to spiritualism. But it's not like I've ever seen a kami or a youkai or anything like that.

Then there's the other reason. Pride. Pointless, undeserved pride. I don't even know why I am prideful when I have nothing to be proud of, but I am. I can bow out of respect, but the thought of bowing in supplication makes something in my gut twist. I just can't do it. I can't except that anything could exist above me. 

It's stupid. But it is who I am. The best I can do, is ensure that my pride never degrades into arrogance.

Either way, this has been my life for the past six years.

Once I could walk by myself and take care of my own needs, I have been living by a simple routine.

I wake up, bathe, eat and then I wander.

The shrine is built in the middle of a small forest filled mostly with deer, with a small village at it's westernmost edge. And I have spent most of my days simply wandering the forest, enjoying the company of nature.

It took some time, but by now, the forest feels like home. The deer and the rabbits and all the other creatures of the forest no longer shy away from my presence. Often times, the deer will join me as I will spend my day lying in a small clearing next to a small, incredibly clear pond, simply enjoying the shaded sun and the feel of nature around me.

Then I return to the shrine when I get hungry, and for the past two years I have then spent some time helping the old man prepare our food and clean the shrine.

Occasionally, someone will visit the shrine. Usually one of the villagers, but there was a traveller once, when I was three, who came to beg for food and shelter that was freely given. 

He told me stories of the greater world. Of great samurai slaying evil Oni. He told me of gardens of sakura trees that would bloom all at once and provide the most beautiful sight in the world.

I always knew I would want to explore eventually, but his stories only made that desire burn even brighter, to see more of this beautiful world. But I am young and have my whole life ahead of me. I will have plenty of time to explore as an adult. No need to rush.

Then in the evening, I join the old man for prayers, and then either go to bed, or return to my clearing in the woods and sleep with the deer in a small huddle.

It's beautiful in ways I couldn't have possible imagined in my previous life. I feel no need for constant entertainment, no need to constantly be doing something, and I don't live under pressure from any expectations.

Truly, this life of mine is beautiful, and I will never let it go.

But, shortly after my sixth birthday, my routine was disturbed.

I was just returning to the shrine for the evening, a basket of medicinal and ritualistic herbs held in one hand when I felt a sudden chill send shivers down my spine and goosebumps across my skin.

The forest around me fell into an unnatural silence and my breath came out foggy, as if the temperature had dropped a dozen degrees in an instant.

Something was wrong. That much was obvious. The drumming beat of my heart was the only sound filling my ears as I glanced around not finding any sign of the usually abundant life around me.

A branch snapped behind me and I spun around and immediately froze, my mind not comprehending, not believing what I was seeing.

A few dozen paces away from me, a grotesque monster loosely shaped like a deer but with the face of a human woman stared at me from around a tree.

Whatever it is, a Monster, a Cursed Spirit, a Mononoke, I didn't know. But when it's disgusting lips stretched into a too wide grin, I knew I was in danger.

I didn't really believe in kami, or youkai, or monsters or gods. But I also didn't believe in reincarnation before I reincarnated. For that reason alone, I didn't freeze for long.

I simply accepted that monsters existed, and I turned and I ran.

My bag of herbs was discarded without a thought, thrown behind me in some vague, instinctual hope that it will do something to preserve my life.

A basket of herbs obviously wouldn't do anything to deter a monster, but I wasn't thinking. I didn't think of anything at all. I just ran as fast as my small but thankfully well maintained body could handle.

I didn't think about where I was running too, I just kept moving. One foot in front of the other.

The sounds of movement behind me kept getting louder, a clear sign the monster was catching up with me, and could I have expected anything different? How could a child possibly escape a monster?

It was a pointless effort. I could feel my will being sapped away even as I ran. Every step I took felt heavier, more pointless. Every inch of distance gained and safety seemed even further away.

I wanted to give up. My chest was burning with excretion, my throat stung with every burning breath, and it's not like I could escape anyway. I might as well just give up. It's inevitable. I'm just a human. An animal. Prey to be hunted.

I should just give up.

My next step was slower than the last, and I felt an imaginary breath on the back of my neck when I realised what I was doing.

Why was I giving up? For what reason? Because it's pointless to run? Because a child cannot escape a monster?

So fucking what!? 

Just because I'm going to die anyway, I should just give up and accept that fate!? Fuck that! I love my life! I love my forest! I love this world!

I don't care if it's inevitable! I'm not going to just give my life away! I haven't even seen the world! I haven't seen the mountains that pierce the sky! I haven't seen the fields of flowers! The rows of cherry blossoms! The grand festivals in the big cities!

I refuse to accept my death so easily!

My resolve burned in my gut and I abandoned any thoughts of giving up. My feet only moved faster, even as my muscles burned in protest, I ignored them, I ignored everything else and I ran with everything I had.

It must have only been minutes, I wasn't far in the first place, but it felt like hours before I saw the great Torii gate at the entrance of the shrine and the shimenawa wrapped shinboku behind it.

Without hesitation, I ran through the gate and dove for the sacred tree, grabbing hold of the sacred ropes that surround it and using them to haul myself up into the branches above.

Only then, did I dare turn around to face what has been chasing me.

Just as I do so, I watch as it charges the same path I took. Yet, instead of passing through the Torii gate as I did, there is a dull thud and a faint flash of some kind of translucent barrier that briefly ripples from the impact before fading away.

A part of me expected that to happen. That the shrine would protect me from what is probably some kind of evil spirit, but I am still surprised when it happens.

It's completely nonsensical that this monster would be stopped by some spiritualistic sacred site, but that is the sight that I was beholden to.

I couldn't help the half hysterical laugh that left me when the monster started clawing at the invisible barrier, it's too large maw of too sharp bared in a hateful snarl directed right at me.

But I couldn't feel any fear anymore. All I felt was joy. A euphoric bliss that I was alive, and, more than that, that the world was even more interesting than I ever could have imagined.

After all, if evil spirits and invisible barriers are real, then what else exists in this world? What interesting sights could I find? What interesting people could I meet? What beauty could I behold?

I didn't know, but I wanted to find out. I wanted to find out so badly that it burned.

In that moment, I felt a resolve settle in my heart more intense than anything I ever thought myself capable of.

And I knew, right then and there, that I would not stop, I would not die, until I had seen every beauty imaginable. From the tallest peaks to the lowest valleys. From fields of flowers to endlessly deep oceans. From the most evil spirits to the greatest Kami. 

I would bear witness to it all, and the entire world would live in my memory.

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A/N: He~llo! Dear readers!

So this is my new fic. I'm just gonna post the first chap for now so you have an idea of what it is. The next four chaps I'll post in bulk and we'll see from there.

Unlike my other fics, I'm going to experiment with just not having an upload schedule this time, see how that feels.

If you want to read ahead or otherwise support me, I've just finished chapter six as of posting this on my pat.reon .com/user?u=41732867