Speak of The Devil

I just… When I wanted sex, I thought of Jung Yiyeon. If I thought of Jung Yiyeon, I wanted sex, and if I wanted sex, Jung Yiyeon came to mind. What the hell is this damned Möbius strip?“Crazy bastard.”Every time Jung Yiyeon and I finished rolling around and I returned alone, Jaeoh, waiting for me in front of my house, would say that. Jaeoh seemed to think that I indulged in alcohol and frivolously rolled my body. I didn’t bother denying it.Jaeoh’s face, looking at me with painful eyes, and his hand, passing warmth as he lay next to me while I slept, had all become familiar. It became a routine to toss and turn in agony all night, then barely fall asleep at the early morning when Jaeoh went to work.But there was an unusually sleepless morning. It had been two months since I quit my job. It was around the time when the frequency of meeting Jung Yiyeon, which used to happen every 2-3 days, became so rare that it was hard to count with both hands and feet. Meanwhile, the seasons changed from spring to summer.“Aren’t you sleeping?”Jaeoh, getting ready for work, asked me that, but I just shook my head blankly. I felt empty in both body and mind. Was I falling apart, or was there simply nowhere else to fall apart? Amidst my lethargy, it seemed that sleep wouldn’t come now.“Eat breakfast.”Although I had lost some weight, I wasn’t emaciated, yet Jaeoh tried to feed me whenever he got a chance. The Korean sentiment of feeling like you’ll die if you don’t eat was unbearably annoying.However, I couldn’t outright reject Jaeoh’s efforts, who acted thoughtfully for my sake. I was aware of the many wounds I had inflicted, and today, of all days, I didn’t want to add to my sins. Seeing this generous gesture, despite not being able to sleep, my mood this morning seemed strangely good.When I sat at the dining table, Jaeoh prepared instant rice, fried eggs, and spam. Although my mouth was dry, I silently took a few spoonfuls. I had inevitably consumed alcohol last night and had sex with Jung Yiyeon, so my condition was beyond description rather than good. But with some effort, the rice slid down my throat.“What do you want to do today?”“I’ll try to get some more sleep first and think about it.”“Wouldn’t it be better to do some work? As you have more time, you tend to dwell on other thoughts during that time.”“I know, but… I don’t feel like working yet.”“Maybe stop drinking at night, come in early…?”“Ah, spare me the nagging.”“Why are you looking at someone else when I’m right here?”“What are you saying?”“Just be grateful. Ha, you’re insane, truly.”Jaeoh grumbled as he stuffed his mouth with rice. Despite his grumbling, I couldn’t help but chuckle self-deprecatingly.There was no need for Jaeoh to be by my side. As if I couldn’t sleep or eat without Jaeoh. Rather, it seemed that Jaeoh’s presence made me feel less miserable.“It’s going to rain today. Don’t go out, let’s hang out together.”“What should I do until then?”“Cooking? Didn’t you say you know how to make japchae? I also want to eat bulgogi.”Living with my hyung, we couldn’t say we were completely incapable of cooking. Mostly, we ordered food and had it delivered, and my hyung usually did the cooking. However, I knew how to make a few things, and japchae happened to be one of them, as we had discussed it in the past.But right now, I had no motivation to do something like that.“Dream big, Seo Jaeoh.”Although I outright rejected him, Jaeoh smiled and put down his spoon before getting up. His expression was quite cheeky, as if he was confident that I knew he could do what I had just refused.Wearing the jacket that was draped over the back of the chair, he reached out and ruffled my newly combed hair.“I’ll be back, Oppa.”“Get lost.”Despite waving him away, Jaeoh continued to smile. Seeing his refreshingly cheerful smile, I couldn’t help but smile too. Indeed, today didn’t seem so bad.After sending him off, I quickly cleaned up the table, brushed my teeth, and collapsed onto the bed. Having filled my stomach, the drowsiness set in, and it seemed I could finally get some sleep.Just before drifting off to sleep, my phone vibrated once. The one who sent a message from early in the morning was none other than Seo Jaeoh. It was a somewhat affectionate message, advising me to take an umbrella if I had plans to go out and also kindly asking me not to catch a cold.I do feel grateful to that rascal Jaeoh, so I might be able to make some japchae for him. However, the moment I thought about checking the refrigerator, I immediately gave up on cooking. Even the act of me doing well could be a torment for Jaeoh…With a similar excuse, I closed my eyes against the approaching fatigue.When I woke up, it was dark outside, and I thought I had slept until sunrise. Of course, I had slept for quite a while. It was already four in the afternoon. However, it wasn’t the time for the July sun to set. Looking outside, rain was pouring heavily from the pitch-black clouds.I remembered Jaeoh asking me to cook, but I became even less inclined to go out to buy groceries. My will to go out for a drink also waned. Since Jaeoh said he would come back early, I thought he could buy something to eat on his way home. Delivery was out of the question on a day like this.After washing up, I killed time watching TV. Bored with idleness, I wanted to meet someone and have a drink, but looking at the weather outside, my enthusiasm disappeared.I grabbed a can of beer on an empty stomach. After eating breakfast, my stomach was empty, but I had to wait for Jaeoh’s response to the suggestion of buying something delicious.Around seven in the evening, Jaeoh came home with both hands full. In one hand were packed meals, and in the other were beer and soju.“Why did you buy so much alcohol?”“I finally have a day off tomorrow. Felt like having a drink.”“Don’t you have any vacation days?”“No vacation for probation. Even taking a day off before caused a lot of fuss.”Jaeoh still seemed to be in the probation period. I thought he had been exempted from the three-shift system since he came in as a parachute, but it seemed like he was still in the probation period and not working the three-shift.Even if he gets more days off after the probation period, the work will probably get tougher, and working the three-shift will strain his body.However, my sense of relief outweighed the concern for Jaeoh. He probably won’t come to my place as often. It was burdensome to have him worrying about me. While relying on him, I couldn’t easily let go of the uncomfortable feeling.“I bought sushi. But what’s with the beer?”Jaeoh teased me for having a drink before the meal. The guy who complained about japchae in the morning brought sushi this time. Pink tuna belly oozed with oil. Just by looking at its texture, it was undoubtedly high-quality sushi.”When working with Jung Yiyeon, there wasn’t even an option. As my thoughts flowed in that direction, a tingling sensation filled my chest. I was quite fond of raw fish and sushi. However, I had never eaten with Jung Yiyeon, not even once. I never brought up the suggestion to eat knowing that he disliked it…Suddenly, the urge for alcohol hit me, and I emptied the beer can. The sushi, eaten as a side dish, melted gently in my mouth. It was a sensation of melting away the moment it touched my tongue, enveloped by the savory richness.Normally, I would have found it ecstatic. However, my mouth suddenly felt too bitter, and this expensive sushi was nothing more than a side dish for the beer.When will I be able to think about anything related to Jung Yiyeon without any concern? When will I be able to not think about Jung Yiyeon himself?“Ugh, I’ll kill you.”In front of me, Jaeoh also drank beer with sushi as a side dish. Despite saying tomorrow is a day off, he seemed eager to get drunk. Watching Jaeoh, who stayed by my side, wanting to see me fall apart, must have been comforting for him.Of course, I had no room to understand such emotions from Jaeoh. I wasn’t someone who received such feelings from others in the first place. It just made me feel frustrated.Today, I was with Jaeoh. Moreover, since I had already had sex with Jung Yiyeon yesterday, it didn’t seem like I would contact him even if I got drunk. Still, because mixing drinks wasn’t my preference, I stuck to just beer.“What did you do today?”“I woke up really late because of this weather. Showered, cleaned the house a bit. Watched TV, you know.”“You spent it quite envy-inducingly. I want to have fun too.”“Weren’t you having enough fun when you were in Busan?”“I live with my parents, so what’s the point of having fun?”Despite that, it seemed like he lived quite freely. Jaeoh and I chatted about trivial matters while tilting our glasses. The sushi Jaeoh brought was really delicious, but it was too oily to eat as a side dish. I couldn’t even finish half of that expensive meal.In contrast, the empty bottles of alcohol accumulated quickly, mostly filled by what Jaeoh drank.“Stop drinking.”“Uh-huh. I’m getting drunk.”The situation was different from before. Usually, it was me who heard the advice to stop drinking. Still, Jaeoh was less intoxicated than I was back then. He obediently went into the bathroom to wash up as I had suggested.Meanwhile, I cleared the table. Since I had only had a few cans of beer, I was only slightly tipsy. Perhaps it would have been better to drink a lot of beer with soju. I was worried about how to spend the night again.Jaeoh, who seemed to be more intoxicated after washing up with hot water, stumbled out of the bathroom and collapsed onto the bed. I also washed my face and brushed my teeth before getting on the bed. Since my bedroom was also the living room, the bed was also the sofa if I wanted to watch TV. I sat beside the already sleeping Jaeoh, turned on the TV, and had a fresh can of beer in my hand.“…Lee Nan.”I thought Jaeoh was asleep. However, the one calling my name wasn’t sleep talking. Jaeoh, who had been lying face down on the bed, was awake.“…Who have you been sleeping with lately?”“What?”If he was drunk, he should be asleep, but Jaeoh seemed to be making baseless accusations without any signs of dozing off. Suddenly, he climbed onto me. With his arms around my waist and his thighs straddling mine, my body stiffened.“It’s not like I’m going to a gay bar. Why do you keep disappearing to meet someone every day?”“…Just go to sleep.”“Are you looking at someone else while I’m right here?”“…”Jaeoh had said similar things during the day. At that time, I thought he was just joking to lighten the mood while lecturing. He had asserted that he had no intention of forcing his emotions on me, just asking to be by my side.But it was by no means a joke. It was a statement he made in all seriousness, pretending to be a joke.I slowly began to realize that this atmosphere was dangerous. The situation of only Seo Jaeoh being drunk. I was completely sober.“Lee Nan.”Sure enough.“I’ll make you forget.”Muttering nonsense, he abruptly raised his upper body. Before I could react, our lips were intertwined.Seo Jaeoh grabbed my cheek and recklessly kissed me, unlike the cautious and polite touches we had experienced before, handling broken glass. It was a blind kiss fueled by the intoxication of a desperate drunkard.He bit and sucked on my lips, then forcefully pushed his tongue into my mouth. Navigating beneath my tongue, scraping against the firm palate, his tongue moved as if it, too, were intoxicated.His heated palm slid under my shirt, urgently caressing and teasing my chest. I read Jaeoh’s desires more fundamentally than ever in that touch.Jaeoh kissed my lips, cheeks, and chin all over. He kissed my ear and then randomly marked my neck with his lips. The hands that gripped and caressed my chest and swept down my side were relentless.Though the scent of alcohol lingered, Jaeoh’s natural scent reached me. If it was familiar, it was because we had engaged in sex numerous times before.Our sexual encounters were always pleasurable. Jaeoh had a great body and the stamina for multiple erections. While I often took the lead, he wasn’t bad when he took charge. We knew how to pleasure each other even without penetration. We knew each other’s sensitive spots.“…Ha.”But why now?“…Seo Jaeoh.”Why was it so discomforting?“Step back.”At the cold words that escaped my lips, Jaeoh shuddered. I pushed away his rigid body. Just being touched by me had caused a noticeable bulge between his legs.It was a stark contrast to me, who felt no arousal whatsoever.“…Lee Nan.”Jaeoh didn’t distance himself from me. Instead, he held onto my body more tightly. The desperation in that grip made it hard for me to breathe.“Let go.”“…Lee Nan. Lee Nan.”Intoxicated, Seo Jaeoh was clearly not in his right mind. Instead, he pressed me down with his weight and forcefully kissed my lips. It felt as if he wanted to commit something akin to assault, making me uneasy. There was no sense of danger; it was just discomforting.Since when had I attached such meaning to sex? Touching, getting excited, mutually exploring each other more passionately, and then climaxing in the pleasure of release—that was the only enjoyment I sought in sex. So, what was sex to me now?“Let go, you son of a bitch!”Why were these words so unpleasant and disliked?Yelling, I forcefully pushed away Jaeoh, who was pressing down on me haphazardly. It felt like he had kicked me with his foot. Unexpectedly, either due to not anticipating my strong resistance or being unable to control his body in his intoxicated state, Jaeoh stumbled backward.I was angry. Was I angry because Jaeoh touched me forcibly? No. It was just annoying. And Jaeoh was someone who, if he wished, I could willingly accommodate at times. He was undoubtedly that kind of person to me.But now, it was unbearable. The hand touching me was not Jung Yiyeon. The fact that it wasn’t the hand of Jung Yiyeon, and the realization that I felt not even 1 gram of excitement in another man’s touch, was infuriating.It was incredibly frustrating and annoying. My anger towards Jaeoh exploded.“Get out.”“…Lee… Lee Nan… I…”Jaeoh’s face, looking at me, was severely distorted.I could understand the act of trying to touch someone you liked due to losing control under the influence, even though it was an act that should not have been done. Wanting to touch someone you care about might be considered an instinctive desire. Since I, too, was someone who couldn’t escape from that desire, I could understand.But damn it. It annoyed me even to acknowledge that I understood that desire. Because I, who liked Jung Yiyeon, kept wanting to touch him. Because I knew the miserable pain of unrequited love. Damn it, I couldn’t stand even the fact that I understood the pain of unrequited love.“Aren’t you leaving? Should I leave, then?”I didn’t want to be angry with Jaeoh. But the only one causing my anger was Seo Jaeoh. His emotions were burdensome and unpleasant. Even recalling my own love’s pain was distasteful.Could my feelings toward Jung Yiyeon be like this, by any chance? No, it would be even more dreadful. While the clinging Jaeoh seemed pitiful on one side, Yiyeon would simply find me repulsive.“…Sorry.”Jaeoh lowered his head and mumbled. However, I didn’t want to accept his apology.“Get out.”All I could do was clear Jaeoh from my sight. Even though I knew it would cause Jaeoh significant pain, I was too distressed to care for him.Eventually, Jaeoh staggered but got up from his place. Holding his clothes, he left my house. As if hoping I would hold him back, he glanced back at me once, but I didn’t even look at him.I heard the sound of him leaving. The sound of the door closing followed. I hugged my knees and bowed my head deeply. I wanted to stay crumpled like this, wedged into a dark and narrow space.I couldn’t understand why I felt so dirty. It was sad and painful. The emotions I felt when Jaeoh touched me. My persistent and petty attachment to Jung Yiyeon, which didn’t break, hurt too much.Jung Yiyeon. I thought of Jung Yiyeon. No, I tried not to.Jung Yiyeon. But that name would never be erased from my mind.I rejected Jaeoh, who wanted me. But you, who claims not to have feelings for me…Since I hadn’t drunk much, my consciousness was clear. Still, I couldn’t stop the impulses bubbling inside.I called Jung Yiyeon. Despite knowing I would regret it, those emotions that couldn’t stop me from acting on my urges tempted me. I couldn’t bear the feeling without seeing Jung Yiyeon right now. Perhaps, I wanted some confirmation.The signal sound was cut off.“Boss.”The person who answered the call didn’t say anything. I felt like crying for a moment. I should have just not called. I should have hung up without even answering. Why torture people like this?“…I want to see you now.”Since your words were so ambiguous, I couldn’t help but blurt that out.“I miss you….”I end up being so clingy like this. I should have just not answered the phone. Because when I answer, I find myself leaning on you again.I was sure you would come to pick me up today, just like you did every day for the past two months. However, unlike usual, there was a brief moment of silence from Jung Yiyeon.After a while, I heard a long exhale.– Can’t do it today.“….”It was a rejection. Perhaps an unexpected rejection that I didn’t hope for.I wanted Jung Yiyeon to reject, refuse, and ignore my contact. I thought that if he could cut off the emotions that I couldn’t sever from my side, I would be able to sort things out as well.Therefore, I felt that Jung Yiyeon should cut me off. I felt a mix of joy and misery when he responded to my contacts and came to pick me up. I hated myself for having to contact him, and I also despised Jung Yiyeon for treating me like an object, coming to me, and having sex.…But now that I’ve truly been rejected.“….Ah….”My mind went blank. Thump, thump, thump. My heart was beating too strongly, to the point where my chest hurt.So, once again, my mouth blurted out on its own.“I’ll wait at the residence.”-….“I’ll wait. It’s okay if you’re late. I’ll be waiting.”My emotions begged him on their own. Without pride, without shame. Even though I hated and despised him so much. It felt worse than what Jaeoh did. Knowing that my emotions were begging for him, despite being aware of that.I felt like I would go crazy if I didn’t see him right now. Even though I wasn’t drunk, I couldn’t control myself. It felt like I had already lost my mind.-…Okay, then.Permission was granted. Jung Yiyeon provided instructions on how to enter the residence and then hung up. My heart pounded as if it were about to burst. Regret flooded me as I ended the call. I couldn’t understand how I could act like that while sober.Nevertheless, my feet were still heading towards Jung Yiyeon’s residence. I thought I had already fallen apart, considered the ground as the bottom, but it turned out there was still a deeper fall waiting for me. However, it didn’t matter.The time Jung Yiyeon arrived at the residence was close to one in the morning. I had spent hours alone, feeling like I was going crazy. There were moments when I entered the residence, waited, and then almost left again. I wanted to run away because it felt insane to be doing this, wearing only a bathrobe. Shame and humiliation mixed with self-loathing, creating a tumultuous mess.Despite everything, all I could do was quietly wait for Jung Yiyeon. I couldn’t leave the residence. The truth was, I missed Jung Yiyeon so much.I wished that if I endured waiting all night and faced the wind, my mind might calm down a bit. At the same time, I hoped Jung Yiyeon wouldn’t come. Yet, I also wished desperately for him to come.It would have been better if I could at least fall asleep. However, in the midst of anxiety and sadness, sleep eluded me. Time seemed to stretch endlessly in the silent space.When I heard Jung Yiyeon entering, it felt like my heart stopped. It was strange. Even though my mind had been so cluttered, the moment I realized Jung Yiyeon had come, all rational thoughts flew away.I missed him. Only longing remained.“Ah….”Did he come out from work? I moaned, looking at the man in a suit. Jung Yiyeon’s gaze turned towards me. I awkwardly stood there, gazing at him.“Haa.”Jung Yiyeon sighed. Taking a step back, he swept his hand through his hair. Strands falling back and revealing his forehead, his tired face was noticeable.“…Boss.”I, who had been silently watching, moved towards him as if possessed.The fact that he came to see me even though he had said it wouldn’t happen today was touching. Despite knowing that all Jung Yiyeon wanted from me was sex, the fact that he came meant the unyielding affection I felt for him surged up.But why do you look so tired today of all days? Despite my own chaotic state, I couldn’t help but worry. Seeing him looking weary from work momentarily made my heart ache.I wanted to embrace him, kiss him. How did I end up loving a man who doesn’t love me in return?“Today…”However, what stopped my attempt to embrace him was his cold voice.“Let’s stop here.”“…”“No sex. I’ll be leaving now.”I couldn’t grasp Jung Yiyeon’s words for a moment.After coming all the way here. Why on earth?Even if he saw me as merely a tool to satisfy his desires, I didn’t mind. If that meant feeling Jung Yiyeon’s warmth, I didn’t care about my own misery right now. He seemed so desperate. It was also a desire to comfort him in his exhaustion.“Why.”But he refused. If that’s the case, then why did he come all the way here? He could have just rejected me outright on the phone. My question ‘why’ carried that meaning.“Because you seem too emotional right now.”However, it seemed Jung Yiyeon thought I was asking why he didn’t want to have sex with me.“In this state, it would be better not to do it.”His response left me utterly dumbfounded. It was an absurd excuse.When was there a time I wasn’t emotional? After rejecting his confession, I couldn’t cut off my lingering affection and called him after drinking. When was I ever purely rational?I was hoping for rejection from Jung Yiyeon. It seemed like if he rejected me and turned away, I could sort out my feelings. I expected it to be incredibly painful, but after the initial sharp pain, I had a vague hope that things would get better.“Secretary Lee.”However, I didn’t anticipate that the man who had been fulfilling his desires using my emotions would now express his intention to reject me. Anger surged within me. It was different from the desperate feeling when I heard he couldn’t come over the phone.The words of rejection coming from his face, once again, were shockingly devastating. It felt as if it were that day again, the day he confessed his feelings and then coldly rejected me.Jung Yiyeon drove a wedge in here.“I don’t have the luxury to entertain the emotions of Secretary Lee right now.”…Ha. What a ridiculous statement. When have you ever acknowledged my emotions?Without waiting for my response, Jung Yiyeon turned away.He was a person without even basic courtesy. An individual who used to overflow with manners now treated me as if I were nothing. Even while enduring such treatment, why did I love you and cling to you? Why does my heart not follow my own wishes?I grabbed Jung Yiyeon’s arm. I couldn’t bear the things exploding within me any longer.“What…?”“Has boss ever cared about my feelings or my mood?”“…”“When did I ask boss to be in a relationship? Have I ever asked for anything other than sex?”Because all you want from me is outside of my body. So, I didn’t speak to you.I just contacted you to come over, and I opened up to you when you came to meet me. I endured your crude affection and selfish penetration with my legs spread wide, because that’s what you wanted. Only that sex was an excuse for us to meet.I knew all too well that only that was allowed for me.So, when did I ask you to understand my feelings? When did I ask you to comfort me? Damn it. Damn it, Jung Yiyeon, you bastard.“I called because I wanted to. I contacted you because there’s nothing else in my head except for what satisfies my desires.”I couldn’t stop my mouth from speaking.“…Secretary Lee.”Stop it. Don’t call me as if you’re exhausted like that.My heart ached intensely. My head throbbed loudly. A severe headache tormented me to the point where the corners of my eyes twitched. There wasn’t a part of my body that didn’t hurt. Of course, the most painful thing was my heart.“You came because boss feels like it too, right?”“…”“So if you came, shut up and let’s just have sex.”Don’t whine about my emotions like it’s something disgusting.Just like how you always treated me as a convenient sex partner, do it the same way today. Because I need you even if it’s just like that right now.In reality, I want to get angry and question you. If you were coming to pick me up in response to my call, why did you reject me? What exactly do you see emotions and feelings as?But if I bring that up, knowing you, you’d leave without any hesitation, so I chose to keep my mouth shut even though my insides were a mess. I couldn’t express it to you, even though it stained my insides.But now, rejecting me while complaining about my emotions, what do you expect me to do? Damn it, if you were going to reject even sex in the end, you should’ve just rejected me from the moment we first met on that street…!“…”I don’t know how I looked to Jung Yiyeon. But he let out a short, irritated breath filled with annoyance. He pulled away my hand that was still holding onto his arm.“Fine. Let’s do it then.”His voice was cold and rigid, echoing with a chill. The handsome face that had captivated me at first sight was now filled with disdain towards me.He pulled off his tie with a fierce attitude. The arrogant jawline pointed to the bed.“Alright, get up there and lie down.”