Speak of The Devil

“Got a cigarette.”Approaching Jaeo after sending away the people in the secretary’s office, I asked for a cigarette without even saying hello.“Starting up again?”“Occasionally. But your Seoul dialect sounds really awkward.”“Oh, come on…”He reddened and furrowed his brow. I thought it would be awkward, but strangely, it wasn’t. I teased him intentionally, but it didn’t make things awkward, as intended.Jaeo sighed briefly and handed me a cigarette. I lit it and took a drag. The smoke filled inside wasn’t unpleasant. Exhaling felt refreshing.“The boss?”“He’s probably out. Had a lunch schedule.”“Really? He was rumored to have an impressive secretary. Didn’t you follow him?”Damn it. I glared at him, the cigarette hanging from the corner of my mouth. I had warned him the day before not to talk nonsense. He replied with a ‘Is that so?’ but didn’t seem to believe me at all. His expression said he knew everything, just like he does now. It irked me.“…I really didn’t.”“Who said what?”Damn it. Just get rid of that look in your eyes.I hoped Jaeo would just stop looking at me. He mentioned my gaze towards Jung Yieun was different, but I also noticed something from his eyes when he looked at me.“Did you drink a lot yesterday?”Feeling awkward, I changed the subject and asked him. I hardly drank, except for using work as an excuse to get up. I boasted about going for a second round.“Taehoon was going crazy over that whiskey. If you check the card receipts from this morning’s hangover, you’d faint.”I knew Taehoon would be like that. I recalled his inability to hide his excitement.“Was it such a great thing for him to get in good with that guy because of me?”“I’m telling you. I’m still feeling awful from drinking too much. I got chewed out by my senior for smelling like alcohol. Isn’t it too much, not even letting me take a day off?”“Wherever you go, you’ll get scolded. Plus, you’re just a month-old intern, what do you expect?”Jaeo flicked away his smoked cigarette and fished out a new one from his pocket, pressing it to his lips. There wasn’t even a moment’s respite; in the midst of rolling a cigarette, I momentarily lost my words. This guy, smoking too much lately.“I’m not saying quit, just go easy on the rolling tobacco.”It was a concern I voiced. Jaeo’s gaze angled toward me. Unsure how to express myself, I hesitated for a moment but deliberately met his eyes, trying to appear nonchalant. After a brief silence, Jaeo smirked and said, “Only a lover gets to nag me like this. So, don’t nag like that to me.”“…”“If you don’t like the smell, go inside. I’ll finish up and join you.”“This guy only allows his lover to worry about him.”“Worry about something else, something else.”If he’s only allowing his lover to intervene, I had nothing more to say. It almost sounded like I should nag him like a lover, which irritated me even more.Damn it, don’t say anything after looking at my eyes, you idiot. Manage your gaze before talking about mine or something.As I ascended to the office, leaving Jaeo behind, I let out a long sigh. Gaze. Why is it that sometimes a person’s emotions can be read from mere gazes? The problem wasn’t solely with Jaeo.Initially, Jaeo was a withdrawn person. So, let’s assume Jaeo can’t control his gaze.I wasn’t as subtle as Jaeo. That’s why I pride myself on handling things well in front of Jung Yieun. Perhaps Jaeo, who likes me, noticed more about me than I thought, as he observed me more than necessary.…But if it was a gaze that could read emotions, the one at the most optimal distance to read the emotions behind that gaze wasn’t someone else but Jung Yieun. Just as I had known Jaeoh’s feelings early on. And I couldn’t consider Jung Yieun less perceptive or oblivious than Jaeo or me.Returning to the office, I was just troubled.…I’m still scared. Scared of exposing my feelings. That’s why I’m even scared this relationship might end. To the extent that I suppress the desire to vent my frustrations due to this suffocation.I’m feeling overwhelmed. Why have I become such a coward? When did I become so dishonest about my feelings, always in a rush to hide them? Why is this so complicated? If it’s good, it’s good, if not, it’s not. Why does Jung Yieun have to be so difficult?Should I just say it outright? Should I blurt out that I like her?If Jung Yieun knows how I feel and yet continues this relationship? It’s not just about being a lover; we were closer than anyone else, like soulmates. Maybe Jung Yieun is waiting for my confession.But what if it causes a rift? What if she doesn’t want to define this as a relationship tied to the word ‘love’? Maybe it’s wiser to maintain this relationship without labels.But this is really bizarre.Why did she allow me into her home? Why kiss me all over my body and face, confusing me? Why suggest spending the night together?Who is Minseowon anyway? Why gift things to him and confidently go out with him in front of me?At least, if we are lovers or have a relationship that matches, shouldn’t she explain to avoid misunderstandings? Even if it’s just a sex partner, shouldn’t there be some explanation?If through my eyes, she can see how troubled I am, then she should at least…“What are you thinking about so deeply?”“Ah.”Lost in my deep thoughts, I didn’t even notice Jung Yieun returning. I jerked in surprise, trembling all the way to my shoulders. I even made some dumb sounds. My silly demeanor seemed amusing to Jung Yieun, who smirked.But instead of smiling, suddenly, he leaned towards me and sniffed.“The smell of cigarettes.”“…Ah, earlier, I was with Jaeo…”“Did you two have a lovers’ quarrel? You seemed lively before.”“It’s not like that.”“Didn’t you meet him yesterday?”It’s not like that. A lovers’ quarrel? Jaeo and I aren’t in a relationship where we fight over love.Doesn’t she really know that my heart is directed towards someone else? That the other person could be Jung Yieun herself?My heart only swells and yearns for her. Why doesn’t she understand? No, maybe…Maybe she already knows.In a moment, my emotions, filled with frustration and hurt, were completely shaken. I knew I shouldn’t reveal them, but I couldn’t control it. I felt hurt by her not understanding me. Thoughts of Minseowon and their outings kept irritating me.This is my limit. My emotions have already become a mess. It’s exhausting to hope alone. I didn’t want to continue endlessly asking unanswerable questions. It felt maddening. The fact that Jung Yieun is looking at me right now, I’m on the verge of tears.Jung Yieun. Could it be that you know I like you and you’re pretending not to? Is that really the case?But I don’t think I can do it anymore. It’s too difficult to pretend otherwise. The boiling possessiveness might just kill me. I was so vulnerable.At this moment, I wanted to lean my forehead against hers and find solace in holding her. I thought if I could feel a certain warmth, not these uncertain feelings, it might calm this agitated heart. I wanted, even in that shallow self-comfort, to cling onto something.I reached out towards Jung Yieun. My chest tightened at her unreadable expression, but I just wanted to pull her closer, to touch our skins and maybe, just for this moment, move past this. Though she’s the one disturbing and hurting me, she’s also the one healing me.But my hand didn’t reach her.“Well, I asked a pointless question; it’s none of my business.”Saying so, Jung Yieun avoided my hand reaching for her cheek.Clear rejection.Though she looked indifferent, at that moment, I felt a barrier I had never felt before. It was different from what I’d felt previously. Her gaze made my spine chill. Her eyes… dry and unfeeling.Could it be jealousy? Jealousy about my time with Jaeo? Was it jealousy and speculation because I met him yesterday? Was all my agitation this morning just jealousy?Fleeting hopes. Useless aspirations. I knew, yet my mind couldn’t stop running delusional circuits. It had to be something beyond explanation for this change in attitude.However, this surely can’t be jealousy. I’m not a man who would even consider feeling jealous of Minseowon, and I have no reason to be jealous of Jaeo.“The smell of cigarettes, this secretary.”It’s not jealousy.The moment of realization, my heart plummets without knowing the bottom. Breath suspended, I stared at Jung Yieun. I have no idea what expression I wore. I couldn’t fathom what my gaze towards him was like.Jung Yieun, in turn, acts as if he doesn’t know. Without revealing any inner thoughts, he just gives a fake smile, turns away, and walks into the office.As is, without any lingering emotions, he closed the door behind him.Rejecting me. Not allowing even the slightest contact.“…Ah.”At that moment, I sensed something shattering inside me. The fragile balance I’d barely held within myself had been lost.In a decisive moment, actions outpaced thoughts, emotions overwhelmed reason.Driven by a pounding heart, I rose abruptly. Without knocking, I followed him into the office. My mind, paralyzed by pain, couldn’t control my actions.As I entered the office, Jung Yieun was seated, looking at me with a furrowed brow.Like when I saw Minseowon barging into my room the day before.“What’s the matter?”The tone was polite, almost disturbingly so, as if addressing a stranger.But when was I ever a stranger to him?“It’s nothing, Sir.”But if he treated me as a perfect stranger, he shouldn’t have spoken to me like that. He shouldn’t have made me hope.“…This secretary.”Don’t say it. Don’t say it. Don’t say it. Reason cries out.But it was just a meaningless shout. Despite knowing I was acting impulsively, there was a moment I couldn’t stop. And that moment was now.Unfortunately, this is unbearable because it’s so dirty. I, I really can’t take this anymore. It’s too disgusting, I can’t stand it any longer. You’re telling me not to give my heart while loving you this much? Not to wish for your heart when you treat me so tenderly? Suppress my desire just like that? Do you even wish for me to not feel jealous?Jung Yieun, this bastard. You shouldn’t have given me that opening!“What I like-”“Don’t say it, this secretary.”However, I couldn’t even finish my confession.“I don’t want to hear it.”Those were the firmest words, cutting off my confession like never before.That was Jung Yieun’s response to my confession, barely a fragment spilled out. “I don’t want to know,” his words saying, “Don’t speak.”Because I’m a secretary? The reason I take care of him is because I’m his secretary. Even though I gave him pleasure in the office because he was feeling bad, it shouldn’t be because of affection, it should be just business. He never expected me to like him.As a secretary, caring for him under that title and having sex with him as an extension of the job. What Jung Yieun wants from me is only those two things. I understood his words perfectly. Truly, I understood them.But.But.“If I don’t say it, the boss pretends not to know, and I’m satisfied with that. Is that it?”But I couldn’t stop feeling like this. Even if I understood what he wanted, I couldn’t stop until I heard it straight from him.“This secretary is attractive as a sex partner. But when did I ever ask for a relationship?”…His sincerity, which I forced out by pressing, was like a death sentence.A chilling cold seeped from the depths of my heart. His words sliced through my chest sharply. I knew, I expected him to say something like that, even though I knew.What did I expect? What kind of face did I hope for from a man who saw me not as a partner but just as a convenient outlet for desires?I thought I knew how coldly he pushed people away, yet I never expected to hear such words. His hardened face, his dry tone. I imagined, but I never truly believed it would happen to me.“If that’s the case, let’s stop this now.”If I really knew, it wouldn’t hurt this much.“…Why, Sir?”But damn it, I can’t stop this. It’s just too chaotic. It’s too painful, yet despite knowing how pathetic it is, I couldn’t help but cling onto it.I wanted to ask. Was everything just my delusion? Is it true that you have no feelings for me?Then why were you so cold on the train from Busan? Why did you ask about Jaeo? Why did you come to my place when I was sick? Why did you buy dinner? Why did you tell me to come home, why so gently-“Did I confuse you? I thought we agreed from the start to exclude emotions. Didn’t we?”Jung Yieun cut off my confusion with piercingly firm words.It was a relationship that started with an agreement not to involve emotions. A condition that we wouldn’t see each other as romantic partners. It was almost like a contract.But still, you were tender to me. Your actions weren’t just those of a simple partner. Was that even possible? Did you really, truly have no emotions? Not even a single ounce of affection?“Let’s stop this conversation here. I don’t want to lose a competent secretary. But it’s also quite uncomfortable.”It hurt. I didn’t know if it was my heart or my head. Maybe it was everything. It hurt too much.I wanted to say a lot, but there were too many, and none of those words escaped my lips. My heart, stabbed with a few words, was so painful, angry, and unfair. It was even sad.I felt unfair for giving him such an opening, angry that he was just using me, and it was immensely regrettable that whatever I said wouldn’t be heard. I regretted speaking at all.If I hadn’t spoken, if I just endured it all and kept my emotions to myself, then maybe I could have maintained even this damn sex partner relationship.I felt unbearable that I couldn’t wait any longer for him to confess, although he didn’t push me for it. I’ve been holding back so well until now. What did Min Seo-won say? What was that bracelet gift about? What was the reason for rejecting my hand due to cigarette smell?No, but now I understand. I probably couldn’t have held back in the end. The limit must have come quickly. If I kept holding back, I would have dried up and died. It was a car that was already slowly drying up and dying.“I’ll grant you leave until things settle. And if things don’t settle even after that…”With a cold but not heated expression, Jung Yieun, who had firmly kissed me many times before, spoke with lips that had been so warm.“I’ll look for another place for you as we promised. Resign.”It’s uncomfortable. So it’s better to remove it in front of me.…In the end, that’s all I was to Jung Yieun.After confirming to the very end, I felt like I had done everything I could. It felt like my heart was being torn apart, but at the same time, there was a refreshing feeling inside.Yes, it’s all so refreshing. I don’t need to hide anymore that I like you, nor do I need to suppress my desire to love you and have sex with you. Even the longing for you has become meaningless.“Then, I’ll just stop. I don’t need to change jobs either.”“…Think carefully, this secretary.”Yes, just as boldly as I confessed to you, I’m impulsive right now.But even if I think about it later, I won’t regret this confession. Even if a day of regret comes, I won’t regret it.Of course, for a while, my days without you might be sad, and I might cry because I miss you. I might think about sex with you from tonight. But now, it seems better for me to just let everything go.Rather than lingering in constant pain, I believe I can let it all out once and then move forward.So before that… I just want to lay out my heart to Jung Yieun, all of it.“It wasn’t just because I was your secretary.”Damn it, I felt like tears would actually come. But I wanted to seem indifferent. It was the first time my heart and pride were being shattered and trampled upon, but I wanted to stand tall.“It was 100% sincere.”I wanted to spit out the confession that Jung Yieun had never allowed me to say until the end.“I’ve never loved someone this much in my life, ever since I was born.”First love. It’s the first time I’ve done something like this at this age.Song lyrics came to mind. First love is sad. But I don’t think I’ll be able to love anyone else. I met someone I love so much that I want to cling onto for the first time in my life at this age, and it seems unlikely that another will appear. I just hope all of this is just a delusion caused by hormones, a temporary foolishness that will pass.“So, whether my heart settles or not, I won’t be able to work under the boss anymore.”As I looked at Jung Yieun without averting my gaze, there was a slight smile at the end.I still couldn’t figure out what Jung Yieun was thinking. His expression seemed somewhat irritated and angry.But this situation is all your fault. I already liked you from the beginning, and even if I didn’t, after intertwining like this, I couldn’t help but like you. It’s your fault for being so charming that anyone would fall for you. Got it?For a while, I’ll be overflowing with lingering feelings and suppress the urge to find you. But now, I’ve sorted out my relationship with you. I might not know how long it will take, but now I will forget you. Sorting out my feelings for you in my heart was a task that was solely left to me and something I had to do.Jung Yieun had no response.That was the end of Jung Yieun and me.