Solo For Two

In 1911, at the southwestern border of France.Karel was driving the carriage himself. Next to him, Sasha leaned wearily against his shoulder. The weight of Sasha relying on his shoulder was endearing. When Karel looked down to check if Sasha was asleep, all he could hear were occasional sniffles, likely a lingering effect of the tears. Karel shifted his gaze from Sasha’s head to the unfamiliar landscape.The two of them had been aimlessly heading west for three days now.Sasha insisted they could not return to the Ludwig estate and that they must go as far away as possible. Karel had managed to calm Sasha and boarded the train. Sasha, wanting to escape the past, desired to go as far west as possible, far from the empire.“We’re almost out of money…”Having left the estate in a hurry, their pockets were light. Karel, who had taken off impulsively to keep this man by his side, did not anticipate the journey would last this long. However, Karel tried not to show his discomfort in front of Sasha. Thinking of it as a short trip for just the two of them made it not so bad.“You should pick up the pace a bit.”A gruff voice came from the back of the stagecoach. Karel responded half-heartedly and gripped the reins tighter.To save money, Karel had bargained with the coachman to drive the carriage himself instead of paying for the fare. The coachman, glancing doubtfully between Karel’s fine clothes and the exhausted-looking Sasha, eventually conceded, perhaps thinking Karel looked strong enough.“When we reach the next town, I’ll have to sell my watch.”Sasha had grown quite tired. He needed a good place to rest. Accustomed to daily rest at the estate, the sudden arduous journey and the persistent anxiety of being pursued seemed to have worn him out mentally as well.Karel sighed lightly and hugged Sasha’s shoulders. He gently kissed his forehead.They managed to reach a small town before sunset. Karel headed straight to a pawnshop that was about to close.“It doesn’t look very old… it’s in good condition. It’s quite valuable, but I’ll need to see if I can cash it out immediately.”“Please, I’d appreciate it.”Karel watched the owner inspect the watch, knowing he was stalling to avoid paying its full value. It was a common tactic used on those in urgent need of money. The Longines watch, a graduation gift from Julian’s father, Lord Franz, was top-notch in both leather and craftsmanship. While it would be a lie to say he didn’t regret it, Karel needed the money to ensure Sasha could sleep in a good inn tonight.In the end, Karel left the pawnshop with less money than expected.“Tired? Let’s quickly get to an inn and rest.”Instead of following Karel, Sasha looked closely at Karel’s empty wrist and the money he had stuffed in his pocket. Karel awkwardly reassured him.“Don’t worry. We have enough to get by for a while.”Karel didn’t want Sasha to worry about money. If Sasha knew they were short on funds, he would become anxious again.“Retrieving the funds is a bit complicated… I need something to prove my identity, and I don’t have anything right now. But don’t worry, I’ll find a way.”“Home? Julian…”Sasha’s broken words seemed to question why they couldn’t go back home, why Karel was helping him so much.Karel wondered how Sasha had interpreted his confessions of love. Yet, he didn’t feel any resentment towards Sasha. He just smiled kindly.Karel held Sasha’s hand, hiding in the shadows cast by the setting sun.“You don’t want me to contact them, do you?”“……”“You want me to run away with you, don’t you?”Karel’s large hand covered part of Sasha’s cheek and ear. Feeling Sasha’s warmth and gently stroking his soft cheek, Karel carefully tucked Sasha’s hair behind his ear. Sasha gazed into Karel’s eyes, trying to understand his intentions.He seemed to finally want to know if Karel’s feelings were genuine, if he had truly chosen Sasha over a comfortable life and friendships.At that moment, Karel thought about what he had left behind.Would Julian be looking for him?Karel gently kissed Sasha’s forehead. There was no resistance. As his dry lips moved from the forehead to the bridge of the nose, and then to the lips, Sasha softly parted his lips.“Mmm…”At Sasha’s sweet sigh, Karel hugged him tightly, his hands trembling with joy.If Sasha was what he had gained in exchange for his past life, it was worth it. One cannot have everything in life. Karel was willing to lose everything else he had if he could have Sasha.“Someday…”Karel whispered, close enough to feel each other’s breath. His voice trembled so much it was hard to tell if it was from joy or fear.“Someday, let’s go to your hometown.”That would take a very long time. Until the Grand Duke completely gave up on Sasha and forgot him, until the political situation in the empire changed… Karel was ready to wait that long.But Sasha shook his head.[There’s no one to meet there.]Karel, understanding only the negative verb, felt a sudden surge of sympathy for Sasha.If God had taken everything from Sasha to bring him to Karel, it was now Karel’s turn to give back. Karel resolved to give Sasha a second home, a second family.Three months later, Sasha allowed Karel to send a letter to Julian. Only then did Sasha believe that Karel was helping him purely out of his own will, with no ties to Russia or the Grand Duke. Karel read the entire content of the letter to Julian in front of Sasha to ease his anxiety. He even kept the address hidden until Sasha was comfortable with it.And then, another six months later, Sasha headed to Karel’s hometown in Austria with him. That was the moment Karel’s wish to create a second home for Sasha had finally come true.＊ ＊ ＊Spring 1913, Pfalz, a suburb near Vienna.After finishing work, Karel got on his bicycle. He left the crowded square of the old town, crossed the river bridge, and from there it was another twenty minutes or so to pedal home.Karel passed vineyards and fields of drooping sunflowers. When he saw the silver lake shimmering like fish scales, he put more effort into pedaling. The wooden house’s roof started to appear in the distance.Arriving in front of the house, Karel leaned his bicycle against a thick willow tree. Another bicycle was already there, indicating Sasha had arrived first. It was unusual, as Sasha usually came home later. Curious, Karel entered the house.Sasha was leaning on the dining table with his arms folded and the lights off.“Is he sleeping? Why is he sleeping so uncomfortably?”“Sasha?”But Sasha didn’t respond to Karel’s call. Karel gently touched Sasha’s smooth, small ear through his hair. He didn’t seem to have a fever or a cold.Feeling Karel’s touch, Sasha turned his head slightly.“Did I wake you?”“…the smell.”At Sasha’s words, Karel quickly pulled his hand back. He sniffed his hand, but couldn’t smell anything.Without complaint, Karel headed to the bathroom and washed his hands multiple times with soap. He had been working at a butcher shop in the old town for several months. Despite washing his hands thoroughly before leaving, the smell of meat must have clung to him unknowingly.It was better now compared to when he first started the job. Back then, Sasha had wanted to sleep in separate beds for almost a week. Even now, Sasha sometimes showed a disgusted expression, but Karel chose to be more diligent rather than feel hurt by his sensitivity.After taking a shower, Karel came out of the bathroom to find Sasha in the kitchen. Smelling the butter and meat cooking, Karel hesitated before approaching Sasha from behind.“Haven’t you had dinner yet? If you’re hungry, you should’ve eaten first.”Karel said as he hugged Sasha from behind. Resting his chin on Sasha’s head and holding him close was something Karel enjoyed. Sasha didn’t seem to mind, as he never pushed Karel away even when he clung to him like this while cooking.“Just… it’s better to eat together.”Though a simple reply, it felt endearing to Karel, who couldn’t resist giving Sasha a light kiss on the cheek.Even after living together for quite some time, why did his heart still race at this indifferent face? And thanks to Karel, who had taught him to speak politely, Sasha had completely adopted a formal manner of speaking. Even when angry or fighting, his polite speech was unbearably cute.Karel rubbed his cheek against Sasha’s hair, which smelled like dry sunshine, and asked,“Why are you home so early today?”“…they let me off early.”Karel didn’t notice the slight delay in Sasha’s response.Around the same time Karel had started his job, Sasha had also found work at a pottery shop in the old town. The shop, dealing in high-end goods, had a luxurious interior and displays, which Karel thought suited Sasha well.Initially, Karel was worried about Sasha insisting on working despite the communication barrier, but the physical activity seemed to help Sasha sleep better recently. Overall, Karel thought the job was good for him.“But isn’t that overcooked?”“……”Sasha remained silent at Karel’s remark. The high-quality beef Karel had brought home was overcooked. Karel just laughed and hugged him tighter.“Should I redo it?”“No, it’s okay to eat like this sometimes.”“Then… I’ll cook some sausages too.”“I’ll gladly eat whatever you make.”Sasha’s cooking wasn’t inedible, but it all tasted the same since he cooked everything in butter. However, Karel ate everything without complaint. Actually, it would’ve been fine if Sasha left the cooking entirely to Karel, but Sasha insisted on doing things himself.When Karel sat down at the table with the finished dishes, Sasha came over with his shoulders slightly hunched and sat across from him. With the window behind him, Sasha’s face was obscured in the backlight.“Let’s eat.”“……”Karel soon noticed that Sasha was unusually quiet. With his head bowed, his hair fell forward, making him look even more depressed. Sasha’s mood swings were frequent, so Karel tried not to worry too much.But the pace at which Sasha was eating was much slower than usual.“Are you feeling unwell? What’s wrong?”“No, just a bit tired…”“Then let’s eat quickly and get you some rest. You weren’t sent home early because you’re sick, were you? Let me see your face.”Reaching for Sasha’s face, Karel sensed something was off. Sasha avoided his touch as if not wanting Karel’s hand on his face. It felt strange, more than just a dislike for the smell of blood.That’s when Karel noticed a scab on the corner of Sasha’s lip.“What happened to your face? Are you hurt?”Karel abruptly stood and grabbed Sasha’s small chin from across the table. Trying to turn his face away, Sasha realized it hurt more and resigned himself.“Don’t grab me so hard. My mouth is sore…”Muffled by his squished cheeks, Sasha explained. Karel, staring at his lips with a stern face, pressed for answers.“Sore? Did someone hit you?”“It’s nothing. I just bumped into something.”“Don’t lie.”Karel strode around the table toward Sasha.“Let me see your mouth.”When Sasha avoided his gaze and kept his mouth tightly shut, Karel suppressed his anger and spoke calmly.“I’m really angry that you’re hurt, but I’m not mad at you. So please, open your mouth. I need to see the wound.”By the time Karel finished speaking, he was almost pleading, struggling to contain his emotions. Sasha, realizing this standoff wouldn’t end, finally exhaled and opened his mouth. As soon as Karel looked inside, he began to fume.“I knew it. You didn’t get this from bumping into something. You got slapped, didn’t you? Who did this?”Judging by the injury, it seemed an adult man, and not just one hit, but several in succession. Sasha grabbed Karel’s wrist, which was still holding his face, and said,“It’s my fault. I apologized, and it ended well.”“Getting beaten to this extent is ending well?”“It really wasn’t a big deal.”“Then why did you hide it?”Karel asked, struggling to control his swirling emotions of anger and pity.“Because you… you would have been too angry. I’m fine, but I didn’t want you to be upset.”Sasha gently stroked Karel’s hand, soothing him. Ironically, Karel felt his anger dissipate instantly at the touch. He couldn’t get angrier now. The thought of Sasha being hurt somewhere unknown, someone Karel cherished too much to even touch harshly, made him sigh in sorrow.Karel, endlessly stroking Sasha’s injured cheek, knelt at his feet and hugged his waist.“It happened at work, right? Was it the boss or that jerk cousin?”Though he knew Sasha wouldn’t answer, Karel pressed on. He repeated his futile plea once more.“Can’t you just… quit?”Sasha merely smiled at Karel’s words. It was a subject they’d argued over many times, so there was no need to get angry again.“What’s the big deal… When I was in the Royal Ballet…”“Stop, I don’t want to hear about those times.”Karel frowned as Sasha started speaking. This was Sasha’s go-to line whenever Karel treated him like a fragile teenage girl. He’d recount his experiences in the Royal Ballet like badges of honor, and Karel would recoil. Stories about the intense physical demands, the starvation to maintain form, and the harsh punishments made Karel miserable. The more detailed the stories, the more distressed Karel became, making them effective in moments like these.“Still… I wish you’d stay home. We’re not that short on money. I can work more. Can’t you do that?”Now Karel began to plead like a younger sibling. Sasha firmly shook his head.“Stay home and do what? Be Karel’s wife?”Although Sasha spoke more firmly, something in his words made Karel blush.“I’d like that more…”“Why are you laughing?”Sasha looked exasperated at Karel’s sudden smirk. Without answering, Karel hugged Sasha tighter, burying his face in Sasha’s legs.“Because it sounded like we were a married couple.”Embarrassed by his own words, Karel hid his face in Sasha’s legs. Sasha sighed inaudibly, running his fingers through Karel’s tousled blonde hair. The word “wife” seemed to have melted Karel’s heart. These moments were why their fights never escalated.Karel had once stopped yelling and kissed Sasha suddenly, saying he had never seen such an expression before. Another time, when Sasha was crying out of frustration, Karel had hugged him, saying he couldn’t stand how beautiful he looked when he cried. Strangely, whenever Karel did this, Sasha would forget why they had been fighting.This time was no different. Karel’s unexpected calmness soothed Sasha, who thought it was enough that Karel was no longer angry.Karel soon stood up.“I’ll make some soup.”Then he kissed Sasha loudly on the lips and headed to the kitchen. It seemed he was planning to make something easier for Sasha to eat since his mouth and lips were injured.Sasha looked between the bustling Karel and the leftover food on the table. Karel’s uneaten meal was getting cold. Sasha felt guilty that Karel hadn’t finished his meal because of him. He considered telling Karel not to bother, but realized that this was also Karel’s way of being happy, so he decided against it.He tasted a bit of blood as he touched the inside of his cheek with his tongue.Contrary to Karel’s fuss, Sasha wasn’t that shocked by today’s incident. After all, violence wasn’t unfamiliar to him.‘If Karel knew the whole story, he wouldn’t stop at this.’Sasha traced the growth rings on the wooden table with his finger.Walter, the owner of the store where Sasha worked, was a middle-aged man in his forties, married with two children. He was a reasonable person who liked Sasha’s efficient work and had even raised his salary within two months, praising him as a rare diligent young man. Sasha, who liked the mindless physical labor, had been growing fond of the job and the people there.However, about a month ago, Walter had made an awkward request. His cousin, who often visited the store, was looking for a match and wanted to meet Sasha.Though termed a “meeting,” it was essentially a matchmaking proposal, which had shocked Sasha. He couldn’t believe she had any affection for him, as she was always cold and bossy, treating him like a personal servant whenever they met. Marriage, to Sasha, needed to be based on love.Whenever Sasha complained about this uncomfortable “matchmaking” after work, Karel would join him in his frustration.So, Sasha didn’t take it seriously. From the start, it sounded like an impossible story. Sasha had also clearly expressed his intentions to Walter.“I don’t have any thoughts of marriage yet.”“Hmm… I see…”Walter, looking quite troubled, then asked,“Uh… do you have a lover?”“Yes.”“In that case, I guess it’s impossible… Your lover must be a young lady around your age?”“Yes… she’s two years younger than me.”Sasha thought of Karel as he answered. He thought that was the end of it.“She’s saved up quite a bit. Besides, in these times, is divorcing a husband such a big deal? She doesn’t have any kids either. It’s time she settled down. This is a great deal for you.”But then, customers started giving Sasha unsolicited advice whenever they came into the shop, as if they had heard some rumor. Pressured by his sister, Walter approached Sasha again with difficulty. The second proposal, especially coming from his employer, put Sasha in a difficult position.“I know it’s a ridiculous request, but can’t you just meet her once? You don’t have to do anything more. Just have a meal together.”“I think it’s better not to meet her. What if she gets her hopes up?”“The truth is, it’s hard for me to refuse my sister’s request…”Walter’s next words made Sasha gasp. His sister had repaid Walter’s debt in exchange for arranging the meeting. Walter said he was in a difficult position because he had already taken the money.Sasha felt both embarrassed and disappointed as he firmly refused. But Walter, alternating between anger and cajoling, showed no sign of backing down.A week ago, Walter bluntly asked Sasha,“Was the story about having a lover a lie?”Sasha didn’t answer.“No one has ever seen you with a woman. And the friend you live with…”Sasha felt uneasy, fearing that the truth might be discovered. When Walter mentioned Karel, Sasha swallowed hard.“…is a man. And no one has seen a woman come in and out of that house.”Sasha felt a brief relief that their relationship hadn’t been discovered.But after that, the harassment worsened.Now that everyone knew Sasha had no family or lover, they couldn’t understand why he kept delaying marriage. Whenever Sasha found an excuse to refuse, Walter would push harder, no longer behaving like the reasonable man Sasha once thought he was.In a blur, Sasha had already met Walter’s sister twice. Today, during the second meeting, Sasha directly told her not to expect anything from him. He also said, “Pushing your feelings onto someone without considering their circumstances is violence.”Sasha spoke clearly, without a hint of a smile. He knew he had been overly firm on purpose. Seeing the normally gentle young man so cold made her face turn pale.Sasha thought her heavy makeup looked sad. Rejecting someone is never easy, but it was better than giving false hope.When Walter learned the outcome, he flew into a rage and attacked Sasha. He raged that his sister demanded the money back, hitting Sasha’s cheek multiple times with his broad hand.Sasha stopped tracing the table’s pattern with his fingertip.The most painful part of this ordeal was seeing someone he trusted turn on him, realizing he was just an outsider to the townspeople who wanted to use him, and not being able to reveal his relationship with Karel.Sasha felt a painful tightness in his stomach and placed his hand there for a moment.“I’m not sure how it’ll taste, given the ingredients.”Karel suddenly appeared, placing a steaming bowl of soup in front of Sasha.“Since your mouth is hurt, it might be better to let it cool a bit.”Moved by Karel’s kindness, Sasha wanted to ask if he knew these kinds of emotions, and if so, how he endured them.“Karel.”Karel quickly met Sasha’s gaze. His eyes were warm and full of trust, as if to say he would be on Sasha’s side no matter what.“If someone proposed to you…”“Proposed?”Still warm eyes filled with curiosity, Karel asked. Sasha nodded.“What would you do?”Though he had many questions, that was all Sasha could ask. Karel, cooling the soup, answered nonchalantly.“Proposals? Well, I’ve already turned down several… including blind dates and introductions. You’d be surprised.”Karel held out a spoonful of cooled soup to Sasha, who opened his mouth. The well-cooled soup tasted good. Karel smiled contentedly, seeing Sasha eat more comfortably.Suddenly, Sasha felt a sense of déjà vu, recalling a memory from the Vendome Hotel in Paris.Shortly after Karel had rescued him from the brothel, Karel had tried to feed Sasha soup after several days of starvation. At that time, Sasha was terrified of Karel, forcing himself to eat and ultimately vomiting, causing a broken rib to puncture his insides.The situation was similar, yet now he was accepting food from Karel so comfortably.Sasha couldn’t believe the difference and closed his mouth.“Sasha, what’s wrong? Are you mad because I brought up something unnecessary?”Seeing Sasha silently staring at him, Karel couldn’t hide his anxiety, thinking he had needlessly provoked his lover’s jealousy.Sasha impulsively pulled back his chair and stood up. Karel looked up at Sasha with a slightly fearful expression. Sasha leaned down and kissed Karel directly.“Why all of a sudden?”Karel asked in a dazed voice.“…Because the soup is so delicious.”Sasha replied. With just that simple remark, Karel’s face easily lit up with joy. Sasha took in Karel’s pure expression of happiness for a long time.＊ ＊ ＊Two weeks later, Sasha eventually quit his job.He felt he couldn’t face Walter again. Listening to the criticism of someone who once trusted him, until his eardrums felt like they would burst, was incredibly painful.Trudging back home, Sasha slumped over the dining table for a long while.‘What do you hope to gain by being so shameless? Do you think you can beat me? Don’t look at me with those eyes! You trying to overcome me like this—such ingratitude….’Walter’s voice wouldn’t leave his ears. It was just a relationship of exchanging wages for labor, so why did it have to end in mutual hurt? Giving up on understanding, Sasha stayed slumped over until the sun started to set outside the window.It was much later that Sasha thought of having a drink.Rummaging through the cupboard, Sasha found a bottle of whiskey. He shook the amber liquid inside and soon thought of Karel’s concerned face. Karel never actively stopped Sasha from drinking but always watched with anxiety, especially after Sasha had spent several months utterly soaked in alcohol.The whiskey’s paper label read ‘Moonlight Bourbon Whiskey.’ Sasha liked the name.‘Moonlight.’Muttering, Sasha drank a few sips straight from the bottle. Before long, he felt much better. Feeling buoyant, Sasha cleaned various dusty corners of the house. Though he occasionally bumped into unexpected places, he didn’t find cleaning too difficult.Sasha was absorbed in dusting the window frames when he felt the warmth of someone behind him. It was Karel.Feeling Karel’s hands wrap around him from behind, Sasha smiled and leaned back into the embrace.“What’s got you in such a good mood?”Karel tried to kiss Sasha near his ear but caught the smell of alcohol on his breath.“Sasha, did you drink?”“Just a little…”“It’s more than a little… We agreed to cut back.”Karel said with a troubled expression. Sasha had always become much more affectionate and smiled more when he drank, something Karel had liked at first. But after experiencing a period when Sasha was never sober, it had become terrifying. Karel mentally calculated the amount of brandy left on the table.“Are you angry?”“No, I’m not angry.”“Are you angry because I drank?”Karel shook his head. He knew Sasha only turned to alcohol when he was so depressed he wanted to die. Understanding that, he couldn’t actively stop him, just help manage the quantity.Sasha turned and clung to Karel’s neck. Normally, he would be sensitive to any lingering smell of the workplace, but today he seemed oblivious in his drunken state. Sasha stumbled as he pushed Karel towards the table, and Karel, pushed by Sasha, ended up sitting heavily on a chair.Sasha climbed on top of Karel, straddling his thighs, and gazed into his eyes.“Sasha… why?”Karel asked, sweating. The weight on his lap, the slight dampness of sweat on Sasha’s skin, and his unusually playful behavior made it hard for Karel to remain composed. As Karel’s hand slipped inside Sasha’s shirt, Sasha suddenly spoke.“There’s a song called ‘Moonlight.’”“Hmm?”“The pianist often played it during warm-ups at the ballet company…”Sasha was talking about his time at the royal ballet. Karel paused, trying to listen carefully to Sasha’s words.“I always thought the scales of that song felt like moonlight.”“……”“But its actual title really was ‘Moonlight’…”Saying that, Sasha let his forehead drop heavily onto Karel’s shoulder. He seemed unable to keep his balance as the alcohol hit him. After a moment, Sasha abruptly lifted his head, his eyes now completely glazed over.“Isn’t it amazing? That its title was really ‘Moonlight.’”“Sasha, you’re too drunk.”“I want to hear that music.”Karel removed his hand from Sasha’s back and straightened his shirt. Then, he easily lifted the swaying Sasha and carried him to bed. As he laid Sasha down on the sun-dried sheets, Sasha mumbled again.[The teacher said… dancers walk on moonlight.]Karel knew Sasha was no longer looking at him. He was gazing off into some distant place, lost in a dream. Karel gently patted Sasha’s chest until he fell asleep.＊ ＊ ＊It was only after the weekend that Karel learned Sasha had quit his job.Unlike usual, Sasha didn’t busy himself preparing for work but remained buried in bed. When Karel, finding it strange, urged him, Sasha finally admitted that he had quit. However, his explanation was, as always, too brief. Even when Karel asked for details, Sasha just shook his head. Karel could only guess that it hadn’t ended well.‘You did well.’Instead of probing further, Karel simply said that.