Solo For Two

“We have arrived.”The carriage stopped, and Sasha lifted his head.They were in an area lined with upscale residences along the winding Seine River, a spot where the upper class had recently started to gather. Sasha stood before a simple, beautiful house made of white bricks that reflected the light, gazing up at it. The shadows of birch trees against the white walls were lovely.As he walked, he heard the soft rustling of leaves above his head in the breeze. Sasha pressed the doorbell of the house. The antique copper bell felt heavy.After waiting for about five minutes and just as he was about to press it again, he heard footsteps from inside. Sasha waited patiently, not pressing the bell again.“Who is it… Oh.”The door was abruptly opened by Karel’s secretary.Sasha hadn’t expected to encounter Karel’s secretary at his residence. He hesitated momentarily before speaking.“I’d like to see Karel… Count Skaar.”“He’s not here right now. Actually…”The secretary looked Sasha up and down, clearly annoyed.“You don’t have an appointment, do you?”“Yes, I understand it’s impolite… but I need to speak with him.”“If you tell me what it’s about, I’ll make a note of it.”The secretary stood in the doorway, leaning against the wall, clearly not intending to let Sasha in. Sasha had anticipated various worst-case scenarios on his way here, but he hadn’t imagined this. Treating a guest like a door-to-door salesman without offering even a cup of tea…Sasha thought he would have preferred waiting outside an empty house for hours. At least his pride wouldn’t have been hurt. He spoke with a sour expression.“No, I need to tell him directly. It’s a personal matter.”“I handle everything for the Count, including personal matters. You can go through me.”Feeling his expression harden, Sasha asked,“Do you also manage his mail?”“Yes, Sasha Sedrin. I’ve received numerous invitations from you.”“Did you deliver them to him?”“Are you questioning my competence?”Sasha didn’t deny it. The rumors he had heard at the salon came back to him, the ones about the black-haired secretary who had supposedly taken Karel’s side.“The Count has seen all the letters, and he specifically mentioned your name, Sasha Sedrin. He instructed that any further invitations from you should be discarded.”“That’s absurd.”Sasha didn’t believe the secretary. Why would Karel do that?“If you want some advice, this approach doesn’t work with the Count. Many have tried the same.”The secretary clicked his tongue, as if implying he knew the “right” way to approach Karel. Sasha suppressed the urge to ask for advice, but his mouth betrayed him, and he found himself stammering,“Then… how, how should I… What does Karel like?”The secretary sighed in exasperation.“Really, Sasha? Don’t you have any dignity? Withdraw gracefully when the Count declines.”With that, he began to close the door. Sasha quickly asked before it shut completely,“Is he not coming back today?”“I’m not obliged to answer that. Goodbye.”Bang!The door closed firmly with a dismissive finality.Sasha stood there, dazed, for a while.He trudged out and sat on the steps in front of Karel’s house, waiting for several hours. Sasha believed that if he stayed there, Karel would eventually return, as he always slept at home. He scrutinized each approaching carriage from across the street, but none carried Karel.As the sun set and he realized he hadn’t eaten all day, his determination began to wane.Then, suddenly, a thought struck Sasha.‘What if he’s home but just not coming out?’He looked up at the windows. He stared at the second-floor window for a long time but couldn’t tell if Karel was inside. Sasha paced in front of the house, hoping to catch a glimpse of a shadow passing by the window.In the end, Sasha didn’t get to meet Karel that day and returned home.＊ ＊ ＊Sasha had always been optimistic about his future with Karel. In his mind, there was no scenario where Karel rejected him. However, as the opening night of the season premiere approached and he still hadn’t seen Karel, Sasha began to swing towards extreme pessimism. His emotions fluctuated wildly, and he started begging Levin for alcohol more frequently.What tormented Sasha the most was the thought that Karel had ordered all letters addressed to “Sasha Sedrin” to be discarded.‘That can’t be true. The secretary lied. Karel wouldn’t do that.’Sasha continued to send letters persistently.As the premiere approached, he sent an invitation to Karel’s house, including a ticket for the most expensive box seat. Despite this, there was no response.On the day of the premiere, Sasha was in the worst mood.“Sasha, how was the rehearsal?” Levin asked as he entered the dressing room. Sasha swallowed his gloomy feelings and replied,“Always the same.”“I caught a glimpse of you during the rehearsal earlier. You looked great. I’ll leave the water here.”Levin quickly left the dressing room after glancing at Sasha. Sasha tended to be irritable and take out his frustrations on anyone nearby before a performance. Though not as bad as after a performance, it was still best to avoid confrontation.Sasha reached for a stimulant. He drank half, saving the other half for the second act. Soon, his heart began to race, and he felt a pleasant surge of energy.Fifteen minutes before the performance, Sasha took a deep breath as he walked through the backstage passage toward the corps de ballet. He could feel the other dancers watching and whispering as he passed.Just before his entrance, he loosened his arms, straightened his back, and stretched his legs in a preparatory move.As soon as he locked eyes with the conductor in the orchestra pit, Sasha dashed onto the stage. At the moment of his first entrance, Sasha always tried to empty his mind and forget everything.One of the dancers, mesmerized by the graceful lines of Sasha’s upper body and his near-perfect turnout, stretched out his arms, trying to imitate him.‘Isn’t it a privilege to see those movements from backstage? Don’t you think?’‘I’m disappointed. I can’t see his face from here.’When Sasha was on stage, even the other dancers gathered in the wings to watch him. Behind the enthralled dancers, Mikhail would quietly scold them, reminding them of their own places. Only then did they scatter back to their positions.After completing his solo performance, Sasha caught his breath as he bowed to the audience. As the harsh stage lights dimmed and the house lights came up, he saw the ecstatic faces of the crowd.At that moment, Sasha’s eyes were drawn to the box seat.‘There’s someone in the box seat.’Even before the bows were finished, the person in the box seat had already risen and was leaving. Sasha saw the movement and immediately knew who it was.‘Karel!’Sasha’s heart pounded furiously. It was hard to tell whether it was from the intense performance or the excitement of seeing Karel.Sasha, panting, burst into the dressing room. He took a sip of the water Levin handed him while nervously pacing around the room. Instead of collapsing on the sofa, exhausted and sweaty as he usually did, Sasha was excitedly anticipating a visit from his “guest.”Karel would surely visit the dressing room.‘He came because of my invitation… he might even bring flowers.’But he couldn’t shake the image of Karel leaving the box seat before the curtain fell.‘What if he left the theater without stopping by the dressing room?’Growing anxious, Sasha couldn’t wait any longer and quickly put on his clothes. Levin looked at him in surprise.“Where are you going?”“I need to check the lobby.”If Sasha, the star of tonight’s performance, went to the lobby, the audience would surely swarm around him, causing a commotion. Levin, anticipating this, looked at Sasha worriedly but couldn’t stop him.Sasha nearly ran to the door at the end of the corridor. Several backstage passageways, designed like a maze, led directly to a door opening into the lobby. This door could only be opened from the inside and was seldom used except for late-night departures by the dancers. Sasha pushed it open and stepped into the bustling lobby.At first, no one noticed Sasha. Then someone shouted his name, and the buzz of the crowd grew louder.“It’s Sasha Sedrin!”“Sasha! Over here, please!”Ignoring the crowd, Sasha scanned the lobby and spotted a tall group of men on one side. Among them were the director, Mikhail, and, as expected, Karel.Sasha, unable to take his eyes off Karel, pushed through the crowd towards them. Mikhail was the first to recognize Sasha’s sudden appearance and, startled, reprimanded him softly.“Sasha! Are you out of your mind, coming here with the crowd swarming… No, come over here for a moment.”Mikhail had intended to scold Sasha for causing a commotion in the lobby but quickly changed his expression. He recalled the significant relationship between Karel and Sasha.Sasha, usually lacking social graces, made an awkward yet sincere effort for Karel, which impressed Mikhail. It was a stark contrast to how Sasha typically sat in the dressing room with a sullen expression when receiving guests.“Perfect timing. I wanted to introduce you. Your Grace, this is our principal dancer, Sasha Sedrin.”“…Nice to meet you.”“You two aren’t meeting for the first time, are you?”Mikhail subtly referred to the time Karel had covered for Sasha in a newspaper article, but neither responded. Sasha was too entranced by Karel’s presence to even attempt the minimum social interaction. Finding the silence awkward, Mikhail quickly steered them back through the backstage corridors.“The lobby is too public. It’s better to have a quiet conversation here.”Mikhail led them to the dressing room Sasha had just left. Levin, who had been waiting in the dressing room, quietly slipped out upon seeing the men enter.Karel’s gaze lingered on her briefly, but no one noticed.“Sasha, His Grace is very interested in the theater, so make sure to answer his questions well, okay?”Mikhail gave Sasha a few more signals before leaving. It was unclear if Sasha fully understood.Left alone in the dressing room, Sasha felt awkward, as if he were a guest in someone else’s home, and observed Karel. Karel slowly surveyed the room.“I knew you’d come.”Sasha spoke breathlessly. His cheeks were still flushed, partly from the exertion of the performance, but mainly because of Karel’s presence. Whether Karel noticed this excitement or not, he reached for the empty bottle on the dresser. It was the stimulant bottle Sasha had used before the performance.“This… was developed by a pharmaceutical company for soldiers on the battlefield.”“…….”“Being a dancer is a tough job,” Karel said, throwing the bottle into the trash.Sasha paused to think. What did he mean by that? Was he concerned about me?Feeling even more touched, Sasha said gratefully, “Thank you for coming to see me, Karel.”At last, Karel’s gaze turned to Sasha.Heart pounding, Sasha approached him. The excitement from the stimulant and the intense physical exertion made everything spin. Karel standing before him felt like a dream.“I thought you wouldn’t come because you didn’t reply to my invitation.”Karel, arms crossed, tilted his head slightly. Thinking Karel was being evasive again, Sasha stepped closer.“Is there a reason for all this?”Sasha assumed Karel had reasons for changing his name and cutting ties with his past. Perhaps ignoring Sasha was part of that.Sasha didn’t want to ask questions that would make Karel uncomfortable.“You can tell me about it slowly, in your own time.”Sasha reached out to touch Karel’s face. Karel’s expression faintly hardened, but Sasha didn’t notice, mesmerized by Karel’s face as he touched his cheek and gently traced the scar there.The wound was still clearly noticeable under his sensitive fingertips.Sasha frowned and asked, “Did it hurt?”His hand moved from Karel’s cheek to his neck, feeling for the scar there. Before Sasha’s hand reached the collar of his shirt, Karel gently took his hand and moved it away from his face.Sasha looked back at Karel, who showed no signs of discomfort or distress.As Sasha tried to gauge Karel’s feelings, Karel spoke.“Excessive euphoria, confidence, energy, and sexual desire… Those are the side effects of that stimulant.”Karel glanced at the wall clock.“If you took it before the performance, you’ll be in this state until noon tomorrow.”He then fully released Sasha’s hand. Sasha looked up at him in disbelief. His longing and desire to talk to Karel had nothing to do with the stimulant.“I’ll be leaving now,” Karel said, turning to leave. Sasha, feeling wronged, quickly raised his voice.“Give me a chance to apologize.”Karel stopped.“We still have things to talk about, right? You came to find me for a reason…”Before Sasha could finish, Karel interrupted.“You’re mistaken.”His voice was cold. Sasha realized Karel had been unusually kind until now.“You came to the Patron Club on your own, grabbed me first, and even showed up at my house. So why do you think I came to find you?”“That… that’s…”Sasha was bewildered. He had been sure Karel was looking for him and had come to Paris to see him. But now, he couldn’t understand why he had been so certain. The alcohol and drugs must have clouded his mind.Biting his lip, Sasha quickly recalled another memory.“I protected you.”“Protected?”Karel’s eyebrows angled slightly, showing a hint of fierceness. Sasha gathered his courage to speak.“It’s from the newspaper article… Mikhail told me.”At Sasha’s hesitant words, Karel let out a laugh. It was clear he wasn’t amused.“That’s also a misconception. I blocked the article not because of you, but because of myself.”“……”“Why do you think I changed my name? Should I have let you casually mention my old name in front of reporters? I explained that you were just drunk and causing a scene to me, claiming I didn’t know you. If you think that’s protection…”Sasha debated whether to block his ears right then. He didn’t want to hear any more of Karel’s mocking words. As Sasha stood dumbfounded, unable to respond, Karel turned his gaze away and moved towards the dressing room. Feeling anxious, Sasha called out to him.“Karel! I’m sorry.”“Why apologize?”“You seemed upset.”Karel’s reaction to Sasha’s apology was more humane. Karel remained silent for a moment as if struggling to respond before sighing lightly.“You don’t need to apologize. You don’t need to make any effort.”Sasha tried to understand his words for a moment. His heart, which hadn’t calmed since earlier, thumped ominously.“You don’t need to send invitations either. I was already planning to invest in theater renovations. The director seems to have misunderstood… But it was my decision regardless of how you acted like a sore loser.”It was clear that Karel only knew Sasha’s efforts and visits as ordered by the director. Realizing this, Sasha’s body began to tremble slightly. The back of his clenched fist turned pale.“Sore loser… I wasn’t like that, I was really glad to see you…”“You don’t need to do anything more for the theater.”Sasha belatedly understood the meaning of not needing to try. A dull shock washed over his entire head.Not needing to try, not needing to apologize…It meant not continuing their past connection.Not giving a chance meant he didn’t feel any lingering feelings. And not needing to apologize meant he had already forgotten everything.To Karel, Sasha became a stranger.“Karel, I was short-sighted. I’m sorry. I understand you’re angry… I was just so lonely then…”Sasha found himself begging and crying uncontrollably.He had never thought Karel would change, or that he would forget him. The despair that overwhelmed Sasha when he realized he had been abandoned pushed him to the edge of a cliff.“I came to Paris and, and didn’t meet anyone. But still, I knew you would come to find me someday. I believed it. Once I become famous… I can find you anywhere, so, so… Maybe I didn’t completely run away.”“Sasha, let’s stop this.”Seeing Karel’s exasperated expression, Sasha was suddenly filled with fear. He felt pathetic for clinging while making excuses. Even Karel’s attempt to push him away with his hand holding onto his clothes felt mournful. Sasha knew he shouldn’t grip his clothes tightly enough to crease them, and he couldn’t let Karel leave like this. Because if he lets it go, there may be no opportunity next time.“I was wrong, so please vent your anger on me. I understand everything. Being angry is natural. I understand.”“Understand…”Blinking his eyes at Karel’s voice in his ear, Sasha looked up at him.With his head bowed, Karel whispered in a terrifyingly low voice.“…Sasha, do you understand me?”