Should Have Let Me Die

This is the order I expected, and I wasn't sure how I felt about there not being a horde of angry Micro Dwarves waiting to fight me. Instead, there was just one little horny one that wanted to do a lot more than fight me.

I hoped my little snowman had fun, but I wonder where he went when I was in the Dragon Armor? I would have asked him when I picked him up on the way back.

"Eva, how come we don't have a scan of the place yet?" I asked, trying to look at the single area on the minimap that I had already traveled.

"Those drones won't activate inside of here, so it must be some kind of fog of war feature. You will just have to explore, but if it is just the single group that we are after then the tunnel should be pretty straightforward," Eva explained.

That made sense, but I was sure that the dungeon wouldn't just let me walk in and whoop the three brothers' asses. I was curious to see what this dungeon would like considering how it started.

'Movement detected ahead, sensors register them as more nake female Micro Dwarfs. Eight more of them, but I don't understand why they don't wear clothes?' -Eva.

'I don't know, but I will ask since they seem to be growing down here!'

I walked forward and found… an orgy of bearded ladies. Very small ones that weren't paying any attention to me, so I decided to slip by without drawing too much attention to myself.

"Why were they all doing that?" Eva asked in confusion.

"I really have no idea what had gotten into all of these girls, and where are the men? AND WHERE IS SOMETHING THAT WANTS TO FIGHT ME?!" I shouted in frustration.

"I will attack you with nine cat beast warriors!" I heard a voice call out from down the tunnel.

Oh? What is this? A challenge for me? 

No more beard ladies screwing around?! Let's go! I burst down the tunnel, cranking my speed all the way up and dialing in so it still seemed like I was just running normally.

I got to the end of the tunnel and there was a big open room. I burst inside, and stopped, letting time catching back up with me. 

The room was filled with tables that were filled almost completely with male Micro Dwarves, but there were free females. The three Rock Gnomes were running around to tables there where hands were up.

"What the hell is going on here?" I asked out loud, and the entire room went silent.

Everyone looked at me, and most of the males cringed back. Recognition passed between us and I smiled, cracking my knuckles, but suddenly another voice came over the intercom that wasn't Eva.

"Hyde Kline, don't you dare go beat up all those cute little nerds! We are bringing them all to the farm! Look at you ya big meanie, cracking your knuckles!" Kyra scolded me over my intercom.

There had to be a way to fix that fucking thing, but I bet it was you that told her, wasn't it! 

'I have no idea what you are talking about, I have been in the library the entire time playing on this handheld TV thing. Wait, the TV is saying something. Thank you for warning me about that idiot Hyde… oh, this is awkward.' -Eva.

Great, now Kyra had found cell phones that somehow got service inside of me. The world was truly out to get me, and it wasn't like I was actually just going to go beat them up if they didn't want to fight.

"Fine, Gnomes, what do you have going on here, or do I even want to know? I heard nine cat warriors, and I came looking for a fight. This looks like the wrong kind," I said with a sigh, looking at all the different colored decks of cards. "Also, what the hell is wrong with the women, and where is my treasure?"

The three Rock Gnomes were Pike, Al, Fribz. They all act about the same and were hard to tell apart at first glance, but as soon as they started to talk you knew.

"Hey Hyde! Long time no see! Look, we have the rocks you want!" Pike, the first mustache-wielding gray rock gnome said in a shrill voice, pointing to some rocks.

"What do you think, Hyde? Mayhem, The Gathering?! I had the idea one day and made a wack load of cool cards!" Al, the second Gnome announced in a deep voice, spreading one arm out to the room. "Now the little buggers just play Mayhem all the time!"

I guess there was more than one way to shake a stick, so whatever works, but that still didn't explain the orgy in the tunnel. I looked at Fribz, and he put up his hands, guilty little shit! 

"What did you do?" I asked, now glaring at the rock gnome that was grinning.

"Oh nothing bad, no sir! Just started drawing some pretty graphic novel about girls one day. Then, with the Dwarves ignoring them, the ladies have been… keeping busy, hehe!" Fribz said with a laugh. 

"Really? So, then you don't have any treasure?" I asked one last time.

"No, just these rocks. Hey, what did that voice say about getting out of here? This is fun and all but it's a bit cramped, are you here to take us out of here?" Pike asked in a shrill and excited voice.

"I had come to kick somebody's ass, but there is no one that wants to play. So, I guess I am going to be taking you all home, but you need to put a leash on those women! Except for Yits, I think my snowman, Icle is molesting her right now."

"BOYS! Clean up your cards and pick your dice up! Abbot, go get the board games! Daniel, get the manuals," Al called out in a deep voice.

"WHAT ABOUT MY TEEEEEEAM!" Squealed one of the Dwarves with a large number of cards on the table.

"Shut the fuck up Jorey and pack your cards up before I come and spill a drink on them!" Shouted Pike.

"So, is this a draw? How are we counting this? Cause We aren't done yet, but others are finished. Does that mean that none of the games count?" 

"Hey! I whoop Terry's ass fast! My game should count!"

"Fuck you, Stan! You only won because of a greasy combo!"

"Anyone saw my left sock? It's red with black toes? I had one before, but now it's gone."

"Tim, I need those dice back that I lent you, fucking klepto!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" I roared.

Holy fuck, I was inviting this circus inside of me? How was I supposed to get them all inside me anyways? This island had become one of the weirdest dungeon experiences that I had ever had, and I hadn't even got to the main part yet!

'They will all just have to follow you out. It's too small inside of here for you to transform. Finish the quest and then you should be able to take them out with you.' -Eva.

"Everyone get you shit together and grab those rocks so we can get out of here!" I called out to all the Dwarves.

The Rock Gnomes grabbed the crystal rocks that I was supposed to be grabbing for Yits. I had no idea what she was going to use them for, but that didn't really matter to me. 

Soon, everyone had their stuff packed back up and they were all ready, so I started to lead them back up the tunnel. I made the men pick up and separate the Dwarfettes until we could at least find them a room to… socialize.

When we finally got back to the entrance I found Icle and Yits curled up together. Icle had a smoke of some sort made from the same purple snow as him that he was puffing on.

"I got your rocks, no where is my prize?" I asked with no preamble.

"The rocks are your prize, they are special, and if you have a good blacksmith she might be able to make you something nice!" Yits explained to me.

"They are crystals, I don't really know how much shaping or is armor crafting you can get out of something like that? It's like glass and it will be brittle unless that is something that I don't know about," I said.

"This is Crystal Metal, and it does strange things when it has magic mixed with it. Don't bother asking me, I didn't find it and that's all I know. Can I come with you? I don't really like it here, and Sir Cool Snowman says he wants to marry me!" Yits said hopping around.

"Sir Cool Snowman said that eh? Sure join the clan of other miss begotten," I said with a roll of my eyes, and a girn on my face.