Rick and Richard

"Richard" Rick yelled as I pulled the laser gun in advance, I aimed and fired at the monster which disintegrated the monstrosity with a wet pop, showering us in god-knows-what. Morty shrieked, flailing. "I JUST GOT CLEANED OFF FROM THE LAST GROSS THING!"

"HAHAHA," I laughed my ass off at the predicament my bro-my poop covered brother found himself in. This is one of the joys of bringing stupid teammates to work, they mess up in the most fantastic ways. I pulled a camera and took a picture of Morty trying to wipe the poo away with Rick helping him before putting it back into the gate.

We continued deeper into the labyrinth of veins and organs. Rick finally elaborated on the real issue. "Okay, so my brilliant ex-business partner decided it'd be fantastic to create a virus that evolves through emotional energy. It's feeding off stress, fear, anger—the entire human experience." 

"Typical, if he has your recognition then it means that he has something wrong with his head," I said to which Rick rolled his eyes with a little muttering Morty on the other hand asked.

"Wait, wait—emotional energy? You mean like, the more freaked out people get, the stronger it gets?"

"Ding ding ding, give the boy a gold star," Rick said sarcastically. "Which means if it gets out, the global population's anxiety alone will make it evolve faster than you can say, 'Oops, we accidentally ended humanity.'"

"Nice," I said impressed. "So, it's a Twitter comment section in virus form. I got to say he knows how to create a good virus, China got to learn a thing or two from that." I chuckled at my mine joke, but Rick and Morty looked at me confused as to what I just said. I shrugged my shoulder and said "Leave it, you won't get it" 

Rick immediately moved on, and Morty lingered for a while pondering what I meant before his brain forgot it like a fucking goldfish. As we navigated through collapsing lung tissue and dodged rogue antibodies, my mind drifted back to Summer. She'd probably sulk for hours, maybe throw a tantrum about being left behind. But as much as I enjoyed pushing her buttons, there was a sliver of truth in what I'd said—I did have long-term plans for her. Ones that didn't involve her getting dismembered by sentient E. coli.

We eventually arrived at what looked like a distorted, throbbing citadel made of mutated cells. The virus had established a nest near the heart—because of course, it had. Fucking virus and having a super cool secret hidden inside a human body. Rick squinted at the structure. "Alright, Morty, genius—here's the plan: we blow it up."

"That's your plan?" Morty squeaked. "No strategy, no backup? Just—boom?"

Rick shrugged. "Explosions solve most of life's problems."

"Stop talking like an intergalactic terrorist," I said rolling my eyes, pulling out my modified containment device. "We're going to isolate it. If we destroy it recklessly, the virus might release spores and infect the bloodstream. We'll trap it in this."

Suddenly, the virus emerged—if you could call it that. It had taken on a semi-humanoid shape, made entirely of shifting, glistening biological material. It sensed us - it sensed Morty, feeding off our presence, growing larger with each pulse of tension. Morty immediately started panicking, which, of course, only made it stronger.

"Fucking hell Morty, STOP FREAKING OUT!!" I yelled since we were found out there was no reason for further concealment. 

"I CAN'T HELP IT! IT'S A NIGHTMARE SLIME DEMON!" The virus lunged. We scattered. Rick fired his blaster while I activated the containment device, trying to calibrate it amidst the chaos. Morty tripped over a nerve cluster and face-planted directly into something that looked suspiciously like partially digested corn.

Rick laughed mid-battle. "Classic Morty."

I dodged another attack, sliding under the creature and attaching the device to its base. "Rick! Cover me!"

Rick fired a barrage of shots, distracting the virus just long enough for me to activate the containment field. The device emitted a blinding light, sucking the creature into a swirling vortex of compressed energy. With a final, distorted screech, the virus was sealed.

Morty collapsed, panting. "I hate my life."

"Why are you complaining? You did nothing, just fell and crawled into a fetal position." I said in the remark, I was very pissed. I wanted to study it more without alerting it but of course, this guy even though he has a multiversal being next to him was afraid of a fucking smile.

Rick holstered his gun. "Well, that was fun. Let's never do it again."

"It's not over yet. The virus had evolved too quickly, even for an emotionally driven mutation."

"So what? We have it contained" Morty said, not getting the point but by the look of Rick he figured it out immediately.

"He means that this wasn't an accident. Now that you said it, this feels engineered. Not by my our idiot ex-partner. Someone smarter." Rick said 

"We have it contained, we can solve it later can we just go home?" Morty bitched about it before me and rick made eye contact and decided to investigate this later. Rick frowned, stroking his chin thoughtfully. "Huh. Well, shit."

We didn't have time to dwell on it. The exit portal shimmered ahead, and we jumped through, landing back in the living room—covered in gore, a little tired, but alive. Summer sat on the couch, arms crossed, glaring. "Took you long enough." Why is my life filled with bitches? Should I push the restart button and go to another universe…oh the damned curve is there.

"Fuck off summer," I said annoyed. 

"Or what? Just because I am a woman-" Summer began but was cut off by me. I said 

"I lied to you about your boyfriend and also brainwashed him into forgetting. There go create a TV drama show about yourself. Now go shoo" I said as I hit her with the teleport gun.

"Thank you," Rick said as we relaxed on the sofa. After a while, I got up to get some cookies. I went into the dining hall where I left my cookies, I pulled out the box and opened it to find my 10 untouched cookies but all I found were crumbs and a note that read 'Shouldn't rost your grandpa'.

"FUCK YOU RICK!!!!!!"