NOVEL NEXT Consultation 41.
Consultation 41.
"God, how do I fuck math?"
“Divide by zero.”
“What? That’s it? That’s all I get?”
“I really don’t know what else you were expecting the answer to be. The best way to fuck math is obviously to divide everything by zero.”
“Isn’t there another answer?”
“Sure, change the base of your number system from ten to infinity. That’s sure to fuck with math’s head.”
“Stop messing around, even I know there’s no such thing as base infinity.”
“It exists.”
“What? It does?”
“Yeah, I just made it up just now. Of course, it doesn’t exist you dumbass.”
“God, please take this seriously or I’ll give you a bad review. I know your raises and paycheck depends on your reviews.”
“Tch. Okay, okay. I get it. The method to fuck math is pretty easy actually.”
“Oh, and what is it?”
“Just convince everyone that 2+2=5. Essentially, you just need to politicize math and you won’t just piss math off, you’ll piss off every mathematician in the world. Also, be extra sure to make everyone think math is racist. When they ask you why it’s racist just tell them it’s because you say so. Doing this is sure to let you fuck math pretty badly. You can also blame math on the patriarchy for no apparent reason. Just repeat these things enough to people and they’ll eventually become brainwashed sheep that think what you’re saying makes sense when in fact it makes none at all.”
“God, there’s one problem I have with your suggestion.”
“Oh, did I make an error somewhere?”
“Yeah, you told me to convince people that 2+2=5, but that’s what it equals, right? Why would I need to convince them when it’s already correct?”
I slapped my forehead and massaged my face.
“I see. I see. Well, if it does equal that, just make sure to keep telling everyone that. Some uncultured beasts lacking in brain power may not have your high level of intelligence that can calculate the answer to such a sophisticated mathematical equation. Anyone who tries to tell you that 2+2=4 is just an idiot. You go out there and educate the world. Trust me, as long as you do this you will be fucking math big time.”
“Alright, if you say so. I guess I’ll have to bless the world with my abnormally talented big brain.”
“Yeah, you go do that.”
Where did gods go wrong? Wait, could it be she was previously a client of the God of Shitty Math Teaching for Defective Washed Up Waifus Without a Brain? I wouldn’t be surprised if that god really exists. If he does exist, I really don’t want to meet him.