Reincarnated as the God of Shitty Life Counseling for Defective Washed Up Waifus

Consultation 139.

“God, what did you call me here for?”

“Call you? I didn’t call you here for anything. You came to me for advice.”

“I would never seek advice from useless Gods. You obviously came to me for advice.”

“That isn’t how this works. You book a consultation with me, pay the fee, then I give you some advice, not the other way around.”

“What? No no no, you’re the one who booked a consultation with me.”

“How would you even be here in Heaven right now if you didn’t book a consultation with me and pay the fee?”

“God, I think you are mistaken, this is my office on Earth. We’re not in your office in Heaven. Also, you paid me, I didn’t pay you.”

I raised one brow and looked around carefully to make sure I wasn’t mistaken. Nope, it definitely was my office in Heaven alright.

“What game are you trying to play here?”

“I’m not playing any games, God. Rather, don’t you think you’re the one messing around right now?”

I’m the one messing around? 

“Look, think about this more rationally. Why would a God book a consultation with a mortal? What could a mortal possibly explain to a God that they aren’t already aware of? It just doesn’t make any sense, right? So don’t you think it’s pretty clear that the mortal would be the one who booked the consultation in this situation?”

“If Gods can counsel mortals, what’s so crazy about mortals counseling Gods? I’ll have you know, I’ve been counseling Gods for years now.”

Did she hit her head one too many times?

“Sure you have, and I’ve been counseling broken women since the time before your great ancestors fucked to give birth to your entire braindead species.”

“I see. So you’re just a grumpy old man who should be wearing adult diapers. So, how does being an old man make you feel?”

My eye twitched, “Shouldn’t I be asking you how you felt when your mother dropped you on your head when she gave birth to you?”

“My mother did no such thing.”

“Aww, it seems you’ve forgotten. What a poor child. Doesn’t even remember when she’s been dropped on her head.”

“Take that back. I may have been dropped on my head, but it was by my father. Please get your facts straight before you throw wild accusations against my mother.”

“What? For real? It was your father?”

“Yes.”

I responded with a fake smile, “Ah. I see. My apologies. As a God, it’s rather embarrassing to make such a mistake. I guess it’s because your father looks like… that… ehem… never mind, please forget I said that.” 

“Like what? What were you going to say?”

“Nothing. Let’s forget about your daddy issues and get back on track. What’s this consultation really about?”

“Like I said before, we’re here so you can get some counseling.”

So she booked and paid for a consultation with me to provide me with counseling? What? So if I’m correct… effectively, I’m being paid to be counseled by my client? What sort of convoluted bullshit is this?

Wait, what if she tries to send me a bill for this afterward? Could she actually be a con artist trying to dupe a God out of money?

“Look you’re not going to get any money out of me. You’re trying to pull a fast one, aren’t you?”

“Tsk. What are you talking about? I’m not trying to pull a fast one or anything.” She reflexively shoved her hand back into the purse beside her.

“Then what’s with the contract you stuffed back into your purse you pulled halfway out just now?”

“Contract? I think you’re mistaken, God. There’s no such thing.”

“Huh, right… let’s see here…”

I skimmed through the contract inside her purse and confirmed my suspicions.

The bitch really had been trying to dupe me. Her plan was to get me to sign a counseling contract where I’d pay her an exorbitant amount for her services.

“I, blank, agree to pay-”

“Hahahaha! What are you going on about all of a sudden on your own, God? Do you have dementia or something?”

“Look, you’re too green to try and pull a fast one on a God. Get lost and practice some more before you try pulling a stunt like this again.”

“Wait… you’re not mad that I tried to pull a fast one on you?”

“Not at all.”

“Why?” She shot an incomprehensible look my way.

“Because I still got paid. The one on the losing end here is you, little girl. Please do try and scam me again, I’ll be sure to enjoy the meal I can buy with the delicious consultation fee you pay the next time as well.” I explained with an overly satisfied smug grin on my face.

“Ugh. Screw you! I want a refund!”

“Get lost, you’re not getting a refund after plotting to scam me.”

“This is a scam! I’ll report you!”

“If you’re going to scam someone, be prepared to be scammed out of your money in return. Now that we’re done, please take your leave. When you’ve come up with a better scam, please come again.”

“God… mark my words… I will remember this. I’ll return with a scam so crafty, even a God like you will be unable to ever see through it.”

“As long as it’s not one of those annoying robocall scams, do whatever you want.”

“Just wait and see. When I scam you in the near future, you’ll be on the ground grovelling while desperately clasping onto my leg and begging for mercy.”

“Heh, I’ll look forward to it.”

“Has anyone ever told you how infuriating that look on your face is?”

“No, but I’m sure it is.”