Reincarnated as the God of Shitty Life Counseling for Defective Washed Up Waifus

Consultation 135.

“God, what do I do! The person who’s been trying to summon me all this time is totally my type!”

“Hah?”

What the hell do you mean she’s your type? No, better yet, why the hell did this reincarnating idiot book another consultation? I thought the case was closed now.

“Is God confused about why I’m here?”

“Yes. Very confused. Isn’t your problem solved? You’re no longer reincarnating in another world as something random, right?”

“Yes, that is certainly true. But I was recently summoned to another world when I wasn’t in combat while awake. I was greeted by a total bombshell. But for some reason, she despises me with every fiber of her being and I don’t know why. What I want to know now is how to get in her pants.”

What? But… she’s the one who’s been making you reincarnate this entire time! What the hell do you mean you want to get in her pants! Are you brain dead? Did all your built-up resentment fly out the window just because it turned out the person who was summoning you for all these years is your type?

“Don’t you think you should have felt something else when you first saw that person?”

“Something else? Is there anything else I should feel aside from wanting to push her down and eat her out?”

There is no God. If God truly existed, people like this surely wouldn’t be allowed to exist. Sadly, I do exist, and these people exist regardless of how I feel about them.

“She made you reincarnate millions of times, don’t you think rage is the most appropriate thing to feel when you see her?”

“Let bygones be bygones. There’s no point in being petty when the person desperately summoning you every day turns out to be a hottie. She was obviously yearning to meet me, but she’s now just playing hard to get.”

“So… what you’re saying is…  as long as they’re hot, you don’t give a shit?”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

I hate everything.

“Well then... let’s forget about rage for now. Did you maybe feel nostalgic when you saw her? Like, maybe you’d met her somewhere before?”

“Met her somewhere before? Hmm, have I? I’ve seen so many people after reincarnating over the years that I can hardly recall if I have met her before.”

“What about the time before you started your endless cycle of reincarnations?”

“Hmm… what was I even doing when this first started?” She tilted her head to one side and entered a state of deep thought with one hand supporting her chin.

“Perhaps you were... working?”

“Working… maybe… but what would have been my job?”

“Could it be, I don’t know, maybe something in the service industry?” I continued to guide her down memory lane.

“The service industry… that does sound a bit familiar.”

“Coffee. Does that ring any bells?”

“Coffee, a little. I think it’s coming back to me. I think I might have been a waitress before all this reincarnation nonsense started.”

“Right. Were you the shitty type of waitress who would spit in people’s coffee out of spite?”

“This again? Didn’t you bring that up… last... time… ah… shit, I did spit in people’s drinks, didn’t I?” Her eyes suddenly lit up as if she’d recalled everything.

“That’s it! The last client’s coffee I spat in belonged to a hottie that looked exactly like her!”

Even though I already knew, it was still depressing to hear her confirmation. Me and my stupid goat mouth.

Rubbing my forehead in annoyance I asked, “Why’d you spit in her drink if she was your type?”

“Huh? Isn’t it obviously because I wanted to make out with her but couldn’t do so while on the clock so I settled for one-sidedly offering up my spit without her being aware?”

A shiver ran down my back.

Creepy. Her reason was a lot creepier than I expected. I thought it would just be because she was jealous of her looks or she’d been snubbed by her something. Why was I so naive?

“Hehe. It wasn’t just her though. Whenever I served coffee to a hot chick I’d always secretly spit in it.”

You fucking degenerate! Don’t look so proud like you expect to be complimented!

“I’d then retreat behind the counter and watch them drink it. While I watched them drink it outside their direct line of sight, with my hand under my skirt I’d-”

“EHEM! We’re getting a bit off-topic here.” I don’t want to know about how you got off at work!

“Oh, you’re right. I got a bit carried away from the nostalgia. Those were some of the best days where I was happiest.”

Keep your spit fetish to yourself, you freak.

“Hey, God, do you drink coffee?”

“Fuck off.” Thank God I didn’t.

“Aww, here I thought I’d give you a bit of extra service since you helped me remember the good old days.”

“Please keep your extra services to yourself. Nobody wants them.” No, scratch that, I was wrong. If I recalled correctly, there were some places where people actually paid good money specifically to be spit on.

I was just so disappointed in mortals that I’d pushed that piece of information to some destitute corner of my mind where all the times I felt disappointed in mortals were locked away. That corner wasn’t as destitute as it once was though.

“Haha, God’s so reserved.”

“Shut it. Let’s get back to your original concern now that you remember who she is. You wanted to find out how to get in her pants, right?”

“Yes. That’s exactly it.”

“Shouldn’t it be obvious to you now why she was so upset with you?”

“It should be obvious?”

“Yes. Just think about it with that hollow head of yours.”

“Oh! I see! I see! So that’s what it was!”

Yes, because she knows you spit in her drink and she’s holding a grudge. Only an idiot wouldn’t be able to figure that out.

“It’s because I didn’t immediately recognize her and she felt hurt after trying to summon her beloved only to find out she’d long been forgotten. I’m such a sinful woman. I need to go and make up with her as soon as possible.”

I really don’t know what I expected of an idiot.

“Thanks for everything, God. Now that I’ve seen the error of my ways, making up and getting in her pants will be a cinch. Her soaked panties will surely drop by the time the sun sets in the evening today.” Before I could say anything, she stood up and ran out of the room in a hurry.

I was left behind dejected, slumped back in my chair, ready to have a nervous breakdown. Why are mortals so damn horny and stupid? Just once, can you please think with your brain and not your reproductive organs?