Reincarnated as the God of Shitty Life Counseling for Defective Washed Up Waifus

Consultation 133.

“God, why does this even exist?”

“Why does what exist?”

“This.”

“Define ‘this.’”

“This service.”

Oh, that.

I let out a depressed sigh. 

I too asked myself this question every day. “That is certainly a good question.” One of which I’d love to know the answer to as well.

“So, why does this service exist, God?”

Because Author is a sadistic bitch who enjoys watching me suffer? I naturally couldn’t say that though. Well, might as well make some bullshit up I guess.

“Don’t you think you should really be asking why it wouldn’t exist? They often say everything has already been done before, right? So why wouldn’t someone have already offered this type of counseling service?”

“Hmm… good point.”

It is really though? Did I say something deep? No, I’m pretty sure I didn’t. Humans just like to think every piece of bullshit that comes out of a god’s mouth is profound when it’s really just some hot garbage we pull out of our ass.

“If Author didn’t start this service, someone else surely would have at some point in time. In fact, it’s probably already been done long before Author ever had the idea for gods to provide these sorts of counseling services to mortals.”

“I see. Instead of asking why this service exists, asking why it wouldn’t already exist is a more appropriate question.”

“Exactly. The only reason something may seem like it doesn’t exist is because you were ignorant that the idea already existed in the first place. The idea itself just may not have been put into practice yet despite already existing. The idea in and of itself exists regardless of whether or not you are aware of it. Every idea you can imagine has existed since the beginning of time, it’s just a matter of how and when it is implemented.”

“I see. So you’re saying it’s fine for the service I want to provide to exist even if it’s a bit weird?”

“Yeah. Sure. Why not? Wait. Service you want to provide... When did this become about a service you want to provide?”

“Well, I always thought the service I wanted to provide myself was too strange so I always held back. But if this service will be offered by someone else in the future anyway, I figure I might as well do it since you say it’s fine for it to exist.”

Why do I have a bad feeling about this and think it’s better to not probe any further?

“What… sort of service were you thinking of exactly?”

“A service where I eat my own or someone else’s feces then vomit it up and sell it to some pathetic saps online.”

For what purpose does this fucking service exist! Embarrassedly, despite everything we’d just gone over, I nearly blurted that out.

Haaaaaah.

It’s best to just stay quiet. I didn’t hear anything. Ignorance was bliss. I may not understand the appeal, but surely there exists a reason for that sort of service to exist… probably.

Like hell there is! Who the hell does this service appeal to? What benefit or pleasure does someone derive from this service? God does not compute.

“I was even considering making it subscription-based. Do you think it’d work out well?”

No! God no! It better not work out well!

“I’m sure... it will be fine.”

Nothing is fine. God is not fine with this at all! Please stop this madness before it is too late! What will you do if it catches on and competitors enter the market in mass? What if it becomes popularized? Won't humanity fall?

“If God says it will be fine I guess I really have nothing to worry about. Oh, but would God be interested in being my first customer?”

“That is… due to certain regulations in Heaven, that is not possible.” Regulations I made up just now.

“What a shame. It must be tough being God.”

It must be tough being a mortal who can make a living selling literal regurgitated shit.

“Yes, it is quite difficult.” Difficult watching mortals stray further and further from God’s understanding of normal.