Reincarnated as an AXE!

Well, isn’t this something?

I appeared to be, for lack of a better word, embedded in the side of a large tree. From what I could see of the sky, it was the beginning of a bright, beautiful day. A fresh new morning set to usher in a slew of new, wonderful possibilities. So cheery and nice! It felt good!

I think I wanted to kill something.

Oh, gosh, isn’t that the weirdest thing to say? There’s fresh dew glistening on the grass, and I can even see an adorable brown rabbit nibbling on something it dug up by a bush. Oh, it’s so cute! I would have loved to have had a pet like that when I was a child!

Yep. I just wanted to chop it up.

Come here, you little rascal! Come on! Aww, you’re too precious for words! I just want to put you in my arms and give you a squeeze! Then, I want to turn you into a finely minced paste! Oh, darn. I can’t reach you.

Heck, I can’t reach anything. I don’t have any arms! Well, that’s not good.

What was my last memory? Hmm. As I recall, I was exchanging gunfire with my former employers, who were upset with me because I’d absconded from the organization with a large amount of cash that I’d decided I wanted. I do things like that, sometimes.

I’d nearly made my getaway, when my tire blew. Let that be a lesson to always winterize your vehicle and keep up on your maintenance! My former chums were quick to catch up and were in no mood to listen to my explanation. I had to kill quite a few of them, but sadly, they had the numbers advantage. I didn’t last very long after I ran out of bullets.

Wait. I distinctly recall laying on the ground, bleeding out, while Mr. Torelli shook his head at me in disappointment before pointing his gun at my face. Mr. Torelli had pretty good aim. I should be dead. No, I was dead.

Well, dang.

And now begins your punishment.

Whoa! Who said that? I hadn’t seen anyone. Wow, that’s spooky.

The mysterious voice was cold and angry. Honestly, its tone reminded me of the various authority figures I’d upset and offended during the precocious days of my youth. It made me feel like I was about to be expelled from another school or was being investigated as a person of interest in a suspected homicide. Heh, back then I’d been a little wild!

You lived your previous life as a thoughtless weapon of evil, doing whatever you wished without any care for the consequences of your actions.

Oh, gosh, I wasn’t that bad! War, plagues, and famine surely hurt more people than I ever could. Jeez, how could anyone compete with those numbers?

Be silent!Your self-serving excuses won’t get you out of this one, cur!The price you’ll now pay for your thoughtless cruelty shall be thus: I sentence you to eternity as an axe!

Ohhhh, is that what I am? Okay, that makes sense, that’s why I’m stuck in a tree! Jeez, that was really niggling away at me, you know? Okay, I’m an axe! I get it.

And does this not disturb you?To be mindlessly wielded by others for the rest of your existence?Unable to control your destiny, fated forevermore to be a tool of carpentry and woodcraft?

I’m adaptable! Honestly, this doesn’t seem like a bad deal at all. Jeez, burning in Hell would have been so much worse! No, this is okay. Deciding things for myself was always such a hassle. Plus, interacting with others could be so confusing! All those facial expressions and emotions and stuff? I never knew when I’d say the wrong thing and get someone all fired up at me. I really don’t get people.

What?

Oh, during my second stint, I got diagnosed with antisocial personality-hoo-hum. That’s why my court appointed therapist said it was so hard for me to differentiate between people and objects.

You mean to say—

I could too, though! People can move around and scream for help, objects can’t. See? Not unless they were battery powered. I could never find the batteries in people, though. No matter how hard I dug around in them.

Do you mean to say you feel NO contrition for your deeds?

Feel it? Gosh, I can’t even spell it!

DAMNABLE FIEND!

I felt a hand grab my handle and pull me from the tree. Then another one lashed out and slapped me in the face. Heh, wasn’t that silly? Who slaps the head of a sharp axe? That’s just begging to have an accident.

Ouch!Damn it!

See?

A strange golden substance dripped from the stranger’s wounded hand and made contact with my blade. Wow, that felt…pretty good. No, not merely good, wonderful. Was that his blood? Why did his blood feel so incredible? What was this guy? There was no way he was human!

Something was happening inside of me. I could feel it! There was a change taking place.

I was still an axe, but somehow, I felt…axe-ier.

Wretched thing!Vile…AXE!I will waste no more time enduring your presence!I leave you now to your punishment!

With that, I was embedded once more into the tree. The stranger was gone.

But that sensation persisted. There was a power growing within me. I could feel it! It was like I was expanding beyond the boundaries of my humble axe-self. I don’t think this was intended. Wow, that guy really shouldn’t have bled on me!

Want to hear something weird? I could taste the tree.

I could taste its lifeforce. I was slowly draining it away. I was eating it! I was eating a tree! Wow, wasn’t that something?

Was eating a tree’s lifeforce a feature unique to all axes or was this because I’d gotten some supernatural blood dribbled on me?

I didn’t really care. This tree tasted great!

I lost myself in the sensation of feeding, happily humming away to myself as I chowed down on the essence of the thing. It felt so relaxing, I passed out. How about that? Turns out I can sleep if I want.

Being an axe wasn’t bad at all.

__

“Wow, this thing’s pretty sharp, huh?”

I awoke to find myself being wielded. A heavily muscled guy wearing only trousers and a pair of boots was using me to cut the tree down.

It wasn’t a bad sensation. Tearing into the trunk of that tree felt even more pleasurable than slowly sipping away at it had been. It felt purposeful! It felt right! And why wouldn’t it? I was an axe, and axes chopped things up, didn’t they? Heck yeah, they did!

Relentlessly, my wielder swung away. Deeper and deeper, I bit into the tree. I felt such contentment, such joy. Oh, to finally have purpose! To have a meaningful existence! Was there anything better than being used to destroy something precious and irreplaceable? I bet there wasn’t!

“Watch out! Timber!” called out my wielder.

Aww. It was over already?

“Good job, Morrison. I can’t believe you cut that behemoth down so quickly!”

“Yeah, I guess all the work I put into building up my strength is paying off.” My wielder said sheepishly.

Hey! I was the one who did all the real work. Who was this meat to claim credit for my efforts? Gosh, if there was one thing I just couldn’t stand, it was someone else claiming credit for one of my kills! I wish I could have said something, but he set me aside and went off with his friend to eat lunch, pumping his biceps while he did so. Yeesh.

Congratulations.You have successfully slain a nine hundred-fifty-year-old Duskan Redwood.

Yikes! Another new voice! And a cheerful sounding woman, this time. Interesting.

You have gained one thousand, seven hundred experience points.You have Leveled Up!You are now level five.You have gained the title: Ancient Tree Killer.You have gained the title: Enemy of the Forest.You have gained the title: Dryad’s Bane.You may now absorb up to two skills from your fallen target.

Uh, hello?

Hello.Which skills would you like to absorb from your fallen target?

Do you mean the tree?

I do.

Do trees have a lot of, um, skills?

No, just a few.But the ones they do possess can be leveled quite high depending on their age.And this was averyold tree.

Uh, what do you recommend?

Solar Absorption:Like the tree you ruthlessly murdered, you will gain the ability to absorb sunlight and use its energy for a variety of different effects.Rooting: You’ll be able to plant roots like a tree in order to absorb nutrients.

Oh, that sounds nice. Well, the tree roots thing sounds strange, but maybe I’ll find a use for it. Okay, I’ll go with your suggestions!

You have gained the following skills: Solar Absorption! Rooting!

Hurray!

Hurray! Well, goodbye for now.

Oh, just a moment please! May I ask who you are?

Of course, you may!I’m not actually anyone at all.I’m your mind’s attempt to cope at now possessing low-level divinity without going insane!

Divinity? Me? Are you sure?

I am!You recently absorbed the blood of a divine being, and in doing so, you yourself became divine.

Wow! So, what you’re saying is, I caught godhood like it was a bloodborne pathogen?

Essentially, yes!Congratulations on your ascension.Unfortunately, your status is quite low.You’ll have to work hard to catch up to the other members of the pantheon.

Aw, so I couldn’t just will myself to heaven or something?

Oh, certainly not!I wouldn’t recommend it, either. The gods of this world are capable of being slain.Your morally compromised nature would certainly offend some of your justice loving brethren to the point of seeking your destruction.Your equally evil contemporaries would also seek to devour you and absorb your powers.Before you can present yourself as a true divinity, you must first possess sufficient strength to defend yourself.

Okay! So, it’s a goal! That’s good, I’m goal oriented. Oh, but I’m not evil.

It’s cute that you think that.Here, let me show you your current status.

Name: ???

Race: Divine Weapon

Alignment: Absurdly Neutral.

Attack: 300

Mana: 0/0

Divinity:100/100

Skills: Divine Eye, Divine Perception, Divine Restoration, Solar Absorption, Rooting, Wood-cutting.

Wow, this seems pretty nifty. So, this world operates kind of like a videogame, yeah? Leveling up and earning skills and stuff?

Oh, goodness no, not in the slightest. For your convenience however, I’m adjusting your perception of progression to match that of the electronic entertainment you enjoyed in your former life.

That’s nice of you! But how come?

Efficiency, mainly.Truthfully, since you don’t value the lives of other living beings in the slightest, it only makes sense that you’d think of the world as though it were a video game.It’s simply a reflection of your utterly abhorrent personality.

Okay! Well, thank you! You were a little acerbic at the end there, but I honestly appreciate your help. Will we ever meet again?

Of course, we will!Think of me as your personal appraisal tool.Your Divine Perception skill will allow you to summon me whenever you wish.

Oh, that’s nice! Well, in that case, would you like to—

I’d prefer to keep our relationship professional.Although you do seem like a nice person, there’s an excellent chance you’ll be destroyed within the year.Also, you’re a sociopath, and seeming nice is something you creatures do to put potential targets at ease before you strike.

Well, I can’t fault your logic. See you later?

See you later!

She seemed like a nice person.

Okay. Wow, busy day.

So, if I had this right, I had been murdered, resurrected into another world as an axe, and then accidentally transformed into a super-axe. Which was great, I liked it very much, but apparently, I was going to have to defend my existence in order to stick around and keep enjoying my new life. And that meant I was going to have to keep chopping away at things, which ironically, was what I liked doing anyway.

It was like telling a compulsive eater they were never allowed to leave the buffet.

Well, since that was the case, I might as well get started. I think I knew how to do it, too! It would take a little ingenuity and a lot of luck, but not trying was the same as quitting, and gosh, I never was a quitter!

About an hour later, my wielder came back from his break, eager to get back to work. Whistling cheerfully to himself, he picked me up, planted himself in front of another tree, took aim and then began screaming in horrified agony when thorns sprang from my handle and tore rapidly into his body.

“Gods! ARRGHHH! What’s happening to me?!” he screamed.

The other woodcutters raced over and saw blood streaming down his arm and neck.

“Morrison! Morrison! What happened to you, man?” one of them asked.

“I can’t let it go! I can’t let go! Oh, help me please, it hurts! It hurts so much! Get it off me!”

“Just hold still, let me get a grip and WHAT ARE YOU DOING—

Well, what he was doing, was using me to hack his friends to pieces. Well, honestly, he wasn’t the one doing it. My roots had pierced his nervous system and taken control of his entire body, and now I was piloting him like a meat puppet. He was just along for the ride.

They tried to fight back, but, you know, I’m an axe. What was the point? Then they tried to run away, but I found that by speeding up the growth of my roots, I could extend outward like a tentacle, and cut them down lightning quick. Oh, this was fun! The appraisal screen lady was right, this really was like a videogame! And who was up on points? Meeeeee.

All too soon, it was over. Fifteen wood cutters, each worth around one hundred-fifty points. No useful skills, though. Booo. Well, at least it was enough to almost level up.

The sound of terrified sobbing filled my ears, as my wielder cried at the sight of his chums all turned into chum.

“Hey, buddy, don’t worry about that,” I told him. Now that we were bonded, I could speak to him directly. “These things happen! It’s the way life goes.”

“W-who said that! Where are you? Are you the demon who’s possessed me?!”

“Demon? Oh, no, no, nothing like that! I’m just a regular fellow like you. Calm down, why don’t you? We’re going to be spending some time together. Let’s do our best to get along.”

“You killed my friends!” he shrieked.

Who? What was this guy talking about?

I really hoped this wasn’t going to turn into a thing.