PTSD Military Chaplain of the Academy

The cold tea is bitter. I placed the teacup down again.

“So what happened after that?”

“Is there really anything more to say?”

Sofia Sub-priest asked with a barren voice. Her kind face bore traces of tears. I turned my head away from her.

“…I survived. Like this.”

“How….”

“After the enemy bombardment ended, only then did our side’s artillery support begin. It was also then that the reinforcements dispatched from the brigade arrived.”

It was truly a late support, one that I found hard to welcome.

The shock of witnessing Helena’s death right in front of my eyes. The scattered flesh and bone fragments still rose vividly in that cursed memory.

At that time, I was lost in a daze, wandering between reality and delusion. In that situation, after hearing the news that reinforcements had arrived to save us….

I, I….

“Can you imagine how I felt that time?”

The first emotion I felt was relief.

The deep sense of relief from the fact that there was a chance I could survive, that my body instinctively sought the safety of life.

What followed was resentment for their tardiness. Then, there was a disgust so strong that I wanted to tear my own flesh apart.

It was revolting. I could not bear the disgust I felt toward myself. Helena had lost her life trying to save the wounded. Yet I, simply because I searched for a way to live, found my heart at ease—it felt like I was committing an unforgivable sin.

Yes. Perhaps I wanted to live. But I wanted to deny that fact with all my might.

I wanted to die. I deceived myself like that.

But the finally revealed, disgusting truth was.

“In the end, I wanted to live. That is who I am.”

I ultimately turned my gaze away from her death, even if only for a moment.

Helena had already crossed the river of death, yet even amidst that, I desperately wished for the intangible existence of life. That fact was unbearably revolting.

“Because of that day, I sustained a serious injury to my right shoulder.”

“If it’s serious….”

“It was when I stopped Giovanni, the Head Priest. My right arm was trembling severely, wasn’t it?”

Though most of the shrapnel embedded in my shoulder was removed, the fragments buried too deep could not be taken out.

“That’s why. If I use divine power, it puts great strain on my arm.”

It wasn’t merely convulsions; it came with pain that felt like my arm would be severed.

“This may be a punishment I received for feeling relieved that I survived.”

“…No.”

“This is a punishment for me. That is how I’ve decided to see it.”

Let’s live bearing the sin I owe her. For a brief moment, let’s live as if paying the price for insulting Helena’s noble sacrifice.

If I had been there for Helena, had I not left her alone at the battalion command post…

Then perhaps she could have lived.

So, I also bear some responsibility for her death. I will pay that price.

I made that vow.

Sofia Sub-priest, who had been listening to me, pulled at my collar and shook her head.

“It’s only natural to feel joy at the sight of hope for survival. Head Priest. It is just the survival instinct of a human…”

“A statement like ‘it’s only natural’ is truly cruel, isn’t it?”

Her dry lips quivered. She forced a smile, lifting her stiff mouth corners as best she could.

Yet seeing her tearful gaze directed at me showed that even that did not go well.

“It’s the magical language that can justify anything. It was only natural. An instinct that could do nothing….”

“It’s not that….”

“I don’t know anymore.”

I looked at the balcony beside the bed. Suddenly, an overwhelming urge to jump over the railing surged within me.

“…I really don’t know anymore.”

I silently gazed into that place. The window of the balcony, accepting my gaze, reflected the image of myself that I did not want to see.

The face reflected there was extremely miserable. It felt like looking at a withered mummy. Beyond that, the shimmering lights of the city evoked some sentiment.

“I miss it terribly. If only I could see that smile just once more… If only you could appear before me and tell me that it wasn’t my fault…”

That feeling was longing. A collection of intensely felt regrets mirrored through my heart, appearing through the window.

“I feel like I could do anything.”

Even as I tried to grasp that yearning which could not be held, I stared at it silently for a long time.

Tears seeped from the corners of my eyes. I let the tears flow without a word. I could feel the fabric of my pants growing damp as the tears fell.

Why am I so sad? Is it simply because I lost Helena?

No. It wasn’t that simple, nor was it clearly definable.

This is the trial that a sinner must go through. There exists no reason to grieve.

If I must grieve for losing you, then I will grieve.

If I felt a sense of relief for having survived, then I will carry that guilt for a lifetime.

The time of loss is like that.

Turning a perfectly fine person into one who wears chains that are never easy to shake off. It becomes a prison that always weighs down on one, rendering that person a prisoner without shackles.

Those chains are comprised of regret, emptiness, and a future that has turned to ashes.

These prisoner’s chains are so complicated and strong that no one else can unbind them.

The lock of the chains is tightly secured, and others aren’t the guards who hold the key.

The guard is myself.

I hold the key, and I am in a strange predicament where I can only be liberated if certain intangible conditions are met.

No one knows what those conditions are. It takes more than courage. The name of the key is compromise with the past.

“I… don’t know. I think it’s all my fault. So…”

I vowed. I would carry this chain for a lifetime.

“……”

As Sofia Sub-priest quietly listened to me, her expression gradually distorted. A mixture of sadness, anger, and pity directed toward me.

“Are you satisfied with that, Head Priest?”

“Sofia Sub-priest. I am an unforgivable being.”

Sofia Sub-priest clenched her fist tightly. The fist that rested neatly on her lap trembled slightly.

“Then what was the purpose of your outing today….”

“……”

“What was the purpose of your outing today… You mentioned you have an appointment tomorrow….”

“…It was a misunderstanding on my part. I apologize.”

“What misunderstanding?”

“The misunderstanding of thinking I could be forgiven.”

I looked down at Sofia Sub-priest in silence. She too looked up at me without a word.

After a lengthy moment spent facing each other, I quietly spoke.

“I was….”

My mouth opened of its own accord. The sincere feelings that rose from within me were directed toward her.

“I was… simply afraid.”

“…What were you afraid of?”

“The fear of the first time… The fear of everything I was experiencing for the first time….”

Wanting change so much, I was afraid of the unclear future that change would bring.

The future where the guilt over Helena’s death would disappear. I couldn’t endure the thought; that was what my true self was saying.

“That’s what I was afraid of.”

Silence lingered for a while. It pained me to see Sofia Sub-priest help her tears with her sleeve.

Just as I began to hear the ticking of the clock urging this silence to break.

Swoosh—

Sofia Sub-priest, who had been staring at me silently, suddenly reached out toward my head.

“Your hair is all messy. You put in so much effort to style it nicely.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You said you’d stop apologizing.”

“……”

“You were going to apologize again, weren’t you?”

I subtly turned my head away in silence. Then, Sofia Sub-priest poked my side with her finger.

“That tickles.”

“By the way, Head Priest.”

Ignoring my words, Sofia Sub-priest stopped poking me and continued speaking.

“Could you perhaps tell me what the appointment for tomorrow is about?”

“…I was going to attend the comrades’ meeting hosted by Meijhem.”

“Oh….”

We fell silent again. I gulped down the now cold tea in one go, while Sofia Sub-priest merely fiddled with the cold teacup.

“Head Priest Antoinneri….”

Sofia Sub-priest opened her mouth once more. Her voice trembled greatly.

“Do you have no desire to attend that comrades’ meeting?”

“I was planning to. But…”

Thanks to Priest Peter and Moritz, I found a bit of courage. But now, I didn’t know anymore. I felt guilty for making today’s outing a wasted trip for Sofia Sub-priest.

“I didn’t realize how difficult it would be to decide to change. It’s not just about having courage.”

“Then, do you not wish to attend that comrades’ meeting?”

“…It’s not that I don’t want to attend.”

Rather, it was just a question of whether I had the right to be there.

Would I fit in among those whose wounds had already been healed? Would I dare to mingle with them?

Would Helena resent me for being like this?

“Hmm….”

After considering my words, Sofia Sub-priest tilted her head as she asked.

“Isn’t it okay?”

“…What?”

“Head Priest, you are more than qualified to participate there.”

It was a form of acknowledgment. A warm statement that recognized me, allowing me to be there alongside others, including Meijhem, who stood up after overcoming their wounds.

“You look wonderful today. Wouldn’t it be a shame not to go out?”

“I…”

“Please don’t say you’ve sinned anymore. At least not until tomorrow.”

I offered no reply. With my head bowed, I gazed at the remnants of cheap black tea left in the cup.

“I don’t know if it’s appropriate for me to offer such advice. After all, I haven’t personally experienced the pains of the great war.”

“……”

“There must be reasons you haven’t told me about until now. But that’s not what’s important.”

Sofia Sub-priest gently brushed my hand. The warmth from her hand seemed to spread along my arm.

“What’s important is… that you trusted me and shared this with me. Just with that, you have made a great change. You have taken a step forward.”

Something swelled up in me. With my shoulders shaking, something hot like molten iron trickled down my cheeks.

“So now is the time to take that second step.”

Sofia Sub-priest’s words. Words that might melt the frozen lock of the chains, even a little bit.

“Head Priest, don’t embark on such a long journey alone. It will be lonely if you go alone.”

“Ugh….”

“Believe in everyone and move forward together. Head Priest.”

“Ugh, sniff…”

It was so warm that…

Even though the sun had not yet risen, and I didn’t wear any expensive fur clothes.

I felt a tremendous warmth.

Sofia Sub-priest closed her eyes. The clear tears that had gathered around her eyes fell, and her hands, now the destination of those tears, came together in reverence. I followed her and clasped my trembling, pitiful hands together.

Finally, Sofia Sub-priest spoke.

“The Lord said…”

If you need courage to pick the fruit that has blossomed there from the seeds sown in the thorny path.

You, Benedict, do not grieve. If you must walk the thorny path, I will first tread upon and crush the thorns.

If you must walk the dark road, I will lead the way and become your lamp.

If you must walk upon that boiling desert, bubbling with flames in the far-off land of Samadan, I will quench your thirst with my water and be your companion.

So, do not grieve.

Thus He says.

“Letter to Benedict, Chapter 8, Verse 18.”

As sunlight shines, the white snow melts yet becomes more solid.

Sofia Sub-priest’s words may have helped make me a little more resilient.

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