PTSD Military Chaplain of the Academy

Colonel Meijhem fidgeted with his food.

His demeanor was scattered, seemingly unable to focus. Although he was sitting still, his eyes seemed to be looking elsewhere, not at the food.

“Colonel Meijhem.”

“…Ah. Did you call?”

“Would you like to have some simple wine?”

I don’t particularly enjoy alcohol. While I wouldn’t refuse if offered, it’s safe to say that I wouldn’t actively seek it out. I don’t dislike drinking itself, though.

Seeing me take a sip of wine first seemed to surprise Colonel Meijhem; he looked at me with wide eyes for a moment, then weakly smiled and nodded.

“I think I should.”

“I’ll order.”

“I hope it’s strong.”

“I prefer something mild with meals.”

“…Then let’s go with wine.”

As I pressed the bell on the table and ordered some simple appetizers and wine from the waiter, Colonel Meijhem’s plate of salad remained untouched and still held its contents. This was in stark contrast to my own plate, which was nearly empty.

On his right sleeve was a prosthetic arm. Perhaps it was custom-made at a significant expense; at a glance, it looked indistinguishable from real skin.

Likewise, Colonel Meijhem’s expression was similarly concealed. You wouldn’t know unless you looked closely. His face was a storm of complex emotions.

“Ah. Thank you.”

Just as Colonel Meijhem’s plate finally began to show the bottom, the waiter brought the wine. I opened the bottle and poured some into Colonel Meijhem’s glass.

Without even taking a moment to savor the aroma, Colonel Meijhem downed it in one go. After downing two, three, and then four glasses in quick succession like water, he furrowed his brow and looked down at the table. I knew he would be regretting that impulsive drinking.

“…Perhaps I’m paying the price for having killed someone.”

Colonel Meijhem, who was enduring the bitter aftertaste of the wine, finally managed to speak.

“I’ve killed so many. How many dwarves and elves died because of my orders?”

“Colonel Meijhem.”

“I know. It was inevitable. If I hadn’t killed, if I hadn’t given the order… our battalion would have died instead.”

After knocking back four glasses of wine in succession, Colonel Meijhem proceeded to chug down three glasses of water. If I had to guess, he might soon be in urgent need of a restroom.

“But even so, too many have died… I should have done something to stop it…”

“…….”

“I thought I had shaken it all off. The guilt of killing someone, the decisions that led to our troops being driven into danger.”

Colonel Meijhem seemed like a small boat lost in a storm. It swayed back and forth but never quite sank. That was, in itself, a tragedy.

“But that wasn’t the case. I… I was just pretending to bury it and ignored it… that’s all it was…”

If he had just sunk instead, he wouldn’t have to endure this experience.

Inside Colonel Meijhem’s deep and dark eyes, those thoughts were taking root.

“It was the same in Warrenburg.”

Warrenburg was the name of the city where Dennis and I, along with Sergeant Tucker, had gone to occupy the city hall. I could reasonably guess what he was trying to say.

“If I had given the order to advance a little sooner, they wouldn’t have been able to set fire to the city hall. If we had entered just a bit faster, those people wouldn’t have died.”

“Hypotheticals have no meaning, Colonel Meijhem.”

“…I suppose you’re right.”

Colonel Meijhem gulped down his last glass of wine in one swift motion. After ordering such expensive wine, it was already gone.

Colonel Meijhem didn’t move from his spot. His body began to tremble intermittently.

“I couldn’t even name them. Melisa wanted a name for our son, but what I had in mind was for a daughter.”

Isn’t it absurd? Colonel Meijhem looked up at me and asked. I chose to remain silent.

“…Right. It’s not good to make too personal of a conversation.”

“It’s not a problem.”

“…Anyway, that happened. The third one… never even saw the light of day and just crumbled away.”

A distinctly unfavorable expression crossed his face. It looked as though he might burst into tears at any moment. I silently handed him a handkerchief. The expression of Colonel Meijhem, who began to press against his eyes, softened.

“…I know that what I’m saying is nonsense.”

“…….”

“But I can’t forget that face. That face that must have looked so much like mine….”

What do you think, I wondered? Colonel Meijhem asked me. I answered calmly.

“Colonel Meijhem, you did nothing wrong. Ignorance is not a sin, and chance is not intentional.”

Hearing my words of comfort, Colonel Meijhem’s expression brightened a little. Though still dark, he looked significantly better than just moments ago, when he seemed drained of life.

“Colonel Meijhem, didn’t you mention wanting to start a family? Think about the family that still remains by your side.”

Colonel Meijhem trembled heavily. His body would no longer be consumed by guilt.

“…Thank you.”

After finishing the meal, Colonel Meijhem staggered away, still under the influence of alcohol; his silhouette looked precarious, but he walked out of my sight without any issue.

The pedestrians who recoiled with frowned brows at the smell of alcohol lingered in my mind. The sight of them avoiding Colonel Meijhem was certainly not a pleasant one.

‘Will he be okay?’

I worried whether Colonel Meijhem could manage to pull through this, but I resolved to eliminate even the slightest doubt.

In my mind, I wished for Colonel Meijhem to always remain the calm and wise commander.

‘I could be the same.’

Perhaps I might find myself in a similar situation.

I always thought of him as someone so strong and resolute, leading the way in exploration, but looking back, he was just a person too.

He wasn’t an iron man who threw away meaningless guilt without a second thought.

He was simply a father of a family, a husband to a loving wife, and a middle-aged man fearing the blood on his hands.

I peered across the main street. The figure of Colonel Meijhem, staggering away, had long since vanished.

However, the image remained strongly etched in my mind.

“…Shall I go?”

Finally, I turned my steps and headed back to the dormitory.

Whether it was because of the alcohol, the rising warmth within me didn’t feel pleasant at all. When one suddenly raises their body temperature from drinking, as is often the case, the outside air inevitably feels chilly.

Having passed through the early spring, the weather was certainly not cold as we walked through the heart of spring.

Yet, feeling a slight chill even amidst it must be due to the alcohol.

* * * *

Colonel Meijhem stumbled as he moved his unsteady steps. Slowly, albeit slowly, his steps were approaching his beloved home.

But why did his steps seem to be growing slower?

Home felt endlessly distant. Colonel Meijhem pushed his legs with all his strength, yet the distance from home appeared not to lessen.

Late evening. The lights of his home on the first floor were off. It seemed his beloved son and daughter had already gone to bed.

Colonel Meijhem’s bedroom was illuminated. It was evidence that his wife, Melisa, had yet to sleep.

For some reason, Colonel Meijhem felt his breath quickening. It was an uncontrollable hyperventilation. The thick scent of alcohol escaped his mouth along with hot air.

“Ugh… Huh….”

He felt empty. Although he had just dined with Professor Antorelli, his stomach felt as though it was trying to soothe an empty void.

He had merely picked at vegetables for the past few days, and had not consumed any meat to regain strength, so it was only natural. Colonel Meijhem found it difficult to eat meat.

He still remembered. The panic he felt when he had to rush his wife to the hospital when labor suddenly began.

His wife, who was wheeled into the emergency room alongside doctors with serious expressions, soon gave birth to something with a pale complexion.

It was a fetus that had not grown normally. And it was the third child for whom Colonel Meijhem had cherished such thoughts.

The third child was a girl. Colonel Meijhem, who had thought a boy would be born, had come to not care about such a thing.

How could a child born just five months along possibly be normal?

No, it wasn’t even a matter of giving birth. The child had not even been granted a new life.

Immediately after birth, the child died.

It was the most common case of stillbirth. Melisa, Colonel Meijhem’s third child, left so emptily.

Colonel Meijhem remembers those tiny hands and feet, so small they seemed incomplete. And the face.

Since that day, every time he saw meat, he thought of his third child.

He was aware that the disparity was so great it was ludicrous to even make a comparison. Yet, looking at the blood-red meat was torture enough for him to want to avoid it, ignoring any logical thoughts.

All in all, it was a heartbreaking matter.

Colonel Meijhem cautiously stepped inside the house. The dimly lit entrance welcomed him.

He wished to see his two children so desperately, but he held back. He didn’t want to wake them at this late hour.

Carefully moving his steps, Colonel Meijhem ascended to the bedroom, avoiding Melisa’s gaze directed at him. He simply removed his tie, changed his clothes, and took off his prosthetic arm.

Suddenly, he felt an itch behind his amputated shoulder blade. Colonel Meijhem was struck by an odd feeling.

That sensation lingered even after he had bathed and laid silently in bed beside his wife, Melisa.

“…Honey. No, Anton.”

“…….”

“It’s not your fault. Stop blaming yourself now.”

The words of his beloved wife wrapped around his ears. But Colonel Meijhem could not easily shake off the lingering guilt.

Turning his body, he managed to pull his wife into his embrace, and only then could Colonel Meijhem finally fall asleep.

That night, Colonel Meijhem had a nightmare.

In it, he witnessed the charred corpses of children in the city hall building of a small town he had just barely reclaimed.

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