Pig Government Official

-39-

The weather had turned quite chilly after a few days. Jeonggwan, who had rushed out of the house wearing only a white short-sleeved T-shirt and khaki cotton pants, felt the weather even chillier. But it wasn’t so much due to the temperature as it was because of the man standing next to him, which made him feel even colder.

Flustered, he opened his phone to find that Won Junjae had come and gone an hour ago while Jeonggwan was deep asleep. About 50 minutes later, Jung Taegeon had sent an Instagram DM. If he had seen this first, would Jeonggwan have… not come out?

[TAE_GEON_J: Jeonggwan, can you come out in front of your house for a moment?]

[TAE_GEON_J: I have something to talk about. It’ll just take a moment.]

[TAE_GEON_J: You haven’t moved, have you?]

Anyway… he had excitedly rushed out like a puppy thinking it was Won Junjae, but it turned out to be Jung Taegeon. He was proud of himself for remembering to put on socks so as not to show his bare feet to Won Junjae. Taegeon used to like his cute toes, and if he had come out in bare feet with slippers, he might have mistakenly thought Jeonggwan had worn slippers for him.

The two were standing side by side leaning against the alley wall of Jeonggwan’s house, just like when they were in high school, but neither Jeonggwan nor Taegeon could look at each other. Especially Jeonggwan, who kept his mouth shut tight and only looked ahead. He was in shock from seeing Jung Taegeon after such a long time. He had planned to greet him brightly, pretending to be nonchalant if they met to eat chicken and tteokbokki, but encountering him suddenly like this without mental preparation left his mind blank.

After they had been silent for a while, Taegeon, unable to bear the awkwardness, finally turned his head sideways to look at Jeonggwan and spoke first.

“Jeonggwan, you’re… the same.”

“……”

…Shit. Somehow it felt like an insult. Jeonggwan glanced up at Taegeon. Did he get taller…? Or was he always this tall? Jeonggwan suddenly scanned Taegeon from top to bottom. He hadn’t noticed earlier due to the awkwardness, but Taegeon, wearing a dark beige knit, had… really become a man, as he had sensed from Instagram. Of course, he still had a boyish charm, but his body had become more muscular, and his jawline had become thicker. And he had become even more handsome.

“You… have changed a bit.”

“Yeah. I grew 3cm taller.”

It’s unfair. The tall one got taller, and only he stayed the same. He used to joke, “You’re not still growing, are you?” but it turned out to be true. They say some people keep growing even after turning twenty. Jeonggwan nodded, saying “Ah… I see” with a soulless response. Then he heard a soft chuckle from above. Damn. His laugh is still the same.

“…Have you been well?”

“Yeah. I’ve been so well that I grew 3cm sideways.”

“…You really haven’t changed.”

Taegeon’s warm gaze enveloped Jeonggwan. That look of utter adoration. It was the other side that hadn’t changed. Jeonggwan quickly avoided Taegeon’s gaze. He felt like his breath had stopped for a moment. Indeed, a handsome face is unfair. Jeonggwan held back the burst of breath trying to escape and looked at the distant mountains. But how could his gaze still be the same after 5 years?

“You… ahem. Have you been well?”

Ah-. This is the worst. It was a question he had absolutely resolved not to ask, but it slipped out unconsciously because he was so flustered. Jeonggwan turned his head the other way and squeezed his eyes shut. Hey, Jeonggwan. You’re so pathetic. So pathetic. You’ve been constantly seeing how well he’s been doing on Instagram, why ask that? You even made a list of 10 cool questions to ask when you met. Why are you like this? While Jeonggwan was berating himself, showing his gums in self-loathing, Taegeon answered with a slight smile on his face, seemingly pleased that Jeonggwan was finally curious about him.

“I’ve been… doing well too.”

“…I see.”

“It was tough for about a year when I went to China, but after that, I’ve been good.”

“…I see.”

“The food didn’t suit me at all. And Chinese was difficult…”

Fucking really. Inwardly, Jeonggwan had expected Taegeon to say something like “I couldn’t do well after breaking up with you. I cried every day missing you so much.” But surprisingly, hearing that he had been doing well left him feeling a bit empty. So you didn’t do well because the food didn’t suit you. You didn’t do well because Chinese was difficult.

I was the only one who cried secretly while eating mixed rice from a large bowl, hiding from my brothers. I was the only one who sang “Heart without You” in the karaoke like a heartless person, bawling my eyes out. Shedding a tear while listening to “Farewell Taxi” in a taxi. I was the only one who went through this hell. Jeonggwan’s face grew bitter.

“After breaking up with you, I struggled for exactly a year and then I was fine.”

“……”

“That one year was so tough that I ended up doing well after. I was so exhausted from crying too much that I could eat weird food without caring, and I was so lonely that I tried to make friends and my Chinese improved rapidly. I was surprised too.”

As Taegeon’s voice softly echoed in the alley, Jeonggwan’s eyes wavered a little. He knew Taegeon would have had a hard time too. Because he had liked Jeonggwan so much. But he thought he would have forgotten soon. Because the “missing you” tags for Jeonggwan gradually disappeared. Taegeon was originally very proud, talented, and popular. He thought he would have met someone else and forgotten quickly. But you too… for a whole year.

No. Jeonggwan started counting the bricks on the wall of the house across the street, making a magic eye. One. Two. Three. If he took those words seriously, a single teardrop might roll down his cheek pathetically while his lips puckered like chicken gizzards. Kim Jeonggwan. You’re not a weak person. Don’t be deceived by such words. The reason your emotions are shaken by those words now is because the memories of loneliness and hardship from back then are resurfacing, not because you want to act spoiled or anything like that.

“I really did well. I thought of you occasionally. Really, very occasionally.”

“……”

“And then I forgot. Even I, as a person, could forget.”

Right. Say it like that. Don’t sell emotions or memories, just say it like that. Everyone lives the same way, saying you couldn’t forget for 5 years is bullshit. As those emotions from back then quickly settled, Jeonggwan secretly let out a small breath.

“But…”

“……”

“But I guess I was just pretending to have forgotten.”

Hup-. Jeonggwan inhaled again. Wow-. That was really dangerous just now. This crazy guy. He’s speaking so plaintively. Seeing the appearance of the “King of Pathos” that Park Jihoon had talked about, it felt like the pathos inside Jeonggwan that had been dead might awaken.

“I came back to Korea a month ago… but I didn’t have the courage to contact you. I was scared… But then at a cafe I went to with friends, I smelled your pheromone scent. Only then… Only then did I find the courage.”

“You’ve got a dog’s nose. Remembering that.”

At Taegeon’s words, it felt like Little Jeonggwan inside had hit his head with a hammer. His mind cleared so sharply that he almost let out a hollow laugh. Right, that’s how it was. Taegeon. Jeonggwan straightened his mind. He turned his head to face Taegeon directly. Taegeon must have been staring at Jeonggwan all along, as their plaintive gazes collided immediately. However, Jeonggwan was neither flustered nor did he avoid the gaze.

“How’s your father?”

“……”

“Did your father allow you to come back to Korea this time?”

You say you only thought of me after coming back but didn’t have the courage to contact me? You were scared? It wasn’t even funny. You must have always been scared. Of your father. You hid our relationship and all your SNS because of your father, didn’t you?

‘Such a person without roots…’

Actually, I heard everything that day. The day we ran into your father while holding hands. I heard your father’s voice asking why you were meeting someone like me, but I just pretended not to know. Even though my self-esteem, carefully built up by me and my family, was cut down, I pretended not to know because I believed in you and liked you.

But you didn’t resist at all when your father told you to study abroad. No matter how much I said I wanted to see you, you just kept telling me to wait because you couldn’t come due to your father. I know why you did that too. I was important to you, but your honor was important too. You were scared to give up the title of being the son of a famous lawyer, your father. Even though you liked me, you were too scared of being abandoned by your father because of me, so you never rebelled and only watched his reactions. You.

That’s why I… out of resentment, tried to push you out of my first priority. It was forced at first, but people are fickle, and when bodies grow apart, hearts do too, and it worked out well when I didn’t see you. Then I realized how much I had wasted on a coward like you.

But this time, how did you find the courage despite being scared, you coward? But what’s different now? These words filled Jeonggwan’s throat, but he didn’t spit them out.

Because now, truly… it really didn’t matter anymore. It was already 5 years ago, and it was ridiculous to bring it up again and do something about it now. Sometimes Jeonggwan had difficult moments when memories from back then surfaced briefly, but even that was all cleanly sorted out two years ago. Now it was really completely resolved.

Moreover, I have a reliable crush who can get rid of a annoying gym weakling in one go, unlike a coward like you. That crush buys me high-class chocolates and waited for an hour to meet me. You’re just a means to use against that crush. Now you’re… really just an ex-boyfriend. Nothing more, nothing less. Jeonggwan opened his mouth with a relieved face.

“You shouldn’t disappoint your father.”

“Jeonggwan…”

“Let’s just remain as memories. That’s the prettiest.”

Bravo, Kim Jeonggwan. It’s so cinematic. The line was so good. Jeonggwan, satisfied with himself, turned around right there. Ha-. Now I’m truly having a proper farewell with you.

Just as Jeonggwan took a step to go back into the house, it happened.

“My… father passed away.”