Phantom Opera: White Soliloquy

Abruptly the lesson came to an end, and I could finally call it a day. I wonder if Sojiro will ask for help again.

Packing up the materials that were used for the lesson I had slowly scooted my chair away and found myself to be one of the first to leave. I suppose everyone has friends or stuff to do straight after school. I wonder what they get up to. In ANHS we just relaxed at cafes or the mall, participate in school clubs etc. I wonder if life here is the exact same, or is it vastly different? Is the box-shaped prison I find myself in just a larger container? Is that the only difference?

In my mesmerized state I hadn't noticed the student resting against the wall, waiting for something or someone in the class. How nice to have friends. Not jealous, not at all.

"You, come with me!" Before I could say anything, he grabbed my arm all of a sudden and dragged me towards the stairs. Complying as I had no other plans, I just allowed him to lead me wherever we were going, apparently that was the rooftop. I really hope this isn't a repeat of last year, I'd rather be making friends without punching them this time.

"Here we are! New kid, right?! Tell me everything you know about the volleyball club, right now!"

"...Right. And you are?"

"Unimportant! Just tell me what you know already!"

"What do you mean?"

"You don't have to hide it. I know that pervert bastard does all sorts of fucked up stuff behind closed doors! I want to take him down! If I have some evidence, we might be able to knock him down a peg or two."

"...Sorry, I'm lost right now. You know I only just joined the team literally a day or two ago, right? I haven't even had my first practice yet; how would I know anything?"

"..."

"..."

"...Oh, I see... In that case. W-When you go can you try and get some evidence?" That time he asked quietly. He didn't think this through at all did he?

"Sigh. First off, who are you? That badge says you're in the same year but as a new student I haven't seen you around before."

"R-Right. Right. Ryuji Sakamoto. Call me Ryuji."

"Right. Sakamoto."

"...F'real?"

"Who are you asking for information on, and what do you even suspect them of?"

"Isn't it obvious? That perverted bastard! I've seen him strolling around the school as if he owns it. God, the smug look on that bastard just because he's a past medallist. God, what an asshole. I'll never forgive that smug prick!"

"...Well, whatever you have against him sounds personal. Unfortunately, I don't know anything about the guy."

"Whatever!"

"Sorry I couldn't help you. I'll be off."

"...Wait. Wait, please." It took him a few moments to utter the words he kept in his head.

"Suguru Kamoshida. The teacher for your club I've heard some terrible things about him... But no-one ever bats an eye. It's always behind closed doors. But recently I've seen the looks in the eyes of some students, an old friend of mine... Her eyes have been emptier by the day, as if her entire mind is clouded over. It's just too much, I don't want to see the same happen to her..." Finally, we can get to the meat of the problem.

"...Hmm."

"Please. Will you help me?" What a heartfelt proposition. I can count the number of times I've been asked something so earnestly on one hand.

"...I can only promise that I'll report it to you if anything happens. If it's anything more than that I think you're asking the wrong person."

"Yes! Me and you, we'll take that pervert down from his imaginary castle-!"

Before he could finish that sentence the surroundings began to darken. Admittedly I was taken by surprise, I thought maybe a drastic change in lighting occurred simply from talking so long. But instead, it was as if the lightbulb that gleamed across the sky was immediately snuffed out. A disorienting feeling washed over me as the surroundings began to bend and warp in my peripheries. I could hear the exclamations of Sakamoto as the wave of displeasure taken him as well. Then for a brief second intense darkness followed by silence.

Almost as quick as the silence had taken me the world breathed with life once again. That life however was a dark twisted fantasy, a mere image of the reality always spread before my eyes. As my senses gradually reappeared, I found myself and Sakamoto who was beside me in a large sports hall. Similar to the school, but it had a tense grungy atmosphere and the faint smell of blood and seared hair.

A collection of students in PE kit were all standing in line at the edge of the court with Sakamoto and myself in the middle of the congregation. Not a single student turned to face us, all had downcast expressions holding no cognition of their fellow students. Instead, they each mumbled under their breaths different curses. A pained expression in each of their eyes, yet no will to fight against the circumstances.

"Sakamoto, do you know any of these guys?"

"Huh?! Uh, I mean I've seen them around. I don't know any of them personally though! Besides that, where the fuck are we? Why are you so calm? Oh, man what the hell's going on?"

"When was the last time you had seen them? Does anything seem different about them? Do they usually act like this in school?"

"O-One at a time man! Hang on, hang on. Uhm. Uh. This guy, he's in my class. He didn't have those injuries before, though. That and he usually doesn't look so... defeated. But I mean, how long have we all been here, we were only at the school just a second ago, right? I'm not crazy, am I?"

"No, it was only just a moment ago. Well at least for us."

"What do you mean?!"

"Look at them, notice anything different from us?"

"I dunno man? Stop speaking in riddles!" I guess the situation is too abnormal for him to think straight. Not surprising but not promising either.

"Their uniform. They aren't wearing it. Instead, they have the school's PE kit on. And like you said they have a different behaviour and some injuries that weren't there today."

"Okay? Where are you going with this?"

"They have either been here much longer than us which means time works differently here. School only just ended so it seems impossible for all this to be organised in such short time." Granted we did literally just teleport or it seems like it, my consciousness did waver for a moment, but my internal clock is saying not much time has passed between the rooftop and now.

"I'd say you're crazy. But given the situation, I can't exactly dismiss it. What's the other option?"

"They aren't real."

"...Seriously?"

"I mean we suddenly disappeared on a rooftop and were transported to a gymnasium within a split second and have half dead classmates surrounding us. That being real is more likely than this being a dream or the people not being real?"

"...I mean when you say it like that anything can sound possible."

"Fair point."

"...Look let's say that everything you just said was true, what do we do? Even if we wanted to test it, how do you test if a person is real?"

He brings up a good philosophical question but now isn't really the time to be pondering the greater meaning of existence and whether life even matters. Instead, what we should focus on is how to get out of here. Every bit of information is in service to that endeavour.

"For now, look around see if you can notice anything out of the ordinary. We might be able to find something to get out of here."

Upon closer examination the steel bars reminiscent of a prison cell allowed for others to look in at the sports hall. They looked rather robust and didn't have enough of a gap to slide through. I could attempt to pry the bars and gain some more space but the negative space between the bars is short enough even that wouldn't amount to much. Never mind having the excessive strength necessary to perform such a task.

"Come to think of it, why a sports court? Is there any reason for it?"

Yeah. I had been wondering that as well. A sports court is a convenient room for the amount of people here, that and everyone is wearing the sports kit. Meaning we can assume this is related to someone at school at the very least. It's unlikely to be a dream as Sakamoto is responding too familiarly for me to imagine it. That, and these students I have no memory of, yet Sakamoto is able to name some of them.

I focused and listened to the murmurings of the captives next to me.

"...Pointless. Why do I have to try so hard... I wish it was all over... Serving is the only way forward..." All of the students mumbled this sort of message almost as if on repeat. Whatever was tormenting them had managed to seep deep into their mind, grabbing a hold of the little resistance left.

In the distance a creak could be heard as if a door far away was opening. Suddenly each and every one of the captives stood to attention. Only looking ahead, not a single deviation in sight. Their eyes still as empty as ever but their visage that of an obedient and loyal pack. Loyalty through fear, not an unfamiliar concept. To match this level was rather difficult though, some serious punishments must be doled out for this effect. However, not just pure violence can bring this sort of effect to a group of people, some dissidents would arise if there was no benefit to the tyrant's rule. Therefore, the carrot led before the stick must be that much sweeter.

I was disappointed by the awe I felt at such a sight.

Some excited chants came from the surroundings, none of the students in here made any noise but all around us cheers and merriment were spread.

"All hail the King!"

"My King!"

"King!"

"Show us the power of the King!"

"Truly no one better to serve!"

Hoarse voices exclaimed love and joy for the object of their praise. Was this to curry favour, or did they truly believe in and worship this figure? From the voices I couldn't tell. They were so muddled with the dehydration and disoriented stupor I couldn't distinguish the crowd's feelings. How long has this gone on? To garner an affection for their ruler when the treatment is this bad, surely this must've taken an exceptional amount of time.

Sakamoto looked overwhelmed by fear and bewilderment. Confusion was evident across his face as he kept scanning around looking for the voices and the so-called king himself.

To no avail. No King appeared. But what did appear were some strange looking soldiers. Holding medieval weaponry and covered head to-toe in plate armour they shuffled in formation and entered the room. Gradually closing in on the cell they stopped with each and every one of them in formation staring blankly at us and the captives alongside us.

"Run."

As if the world suddenly passed by, the floor had begun to move backwards moving us students towards the wall behind us. Only, that wall begun to move away leaving behind a bottomless abyss which threatened our very mortality just a few steps behind.

"What. The. Fuck." Couldn't have said it better myself.

"OI! Let us out of here! Hey, can you hear me? This isn't funny anymore! Get me the hell out of here!"

The guards and the students for that matter paid no attention to Sakamoto's ranting and raving instead they simply ran atop the room sized treadmill attempting to avoid their demise.

"Seriously, I'll fucking end you!" Judging by the lack of response from the students this must've been a regular occurrence. Or maybe they've become so jaded that nothing phases them anymore.

"Sakamoto. Focus on running. We don't have a way out of this, so we'll have to comply for now."

"As fucking if! Find a way out now!"

"If you want to find out how deep that pit goes, go ahead. I will not be joining you though."

"...Shit! Fine, I'll show you what I can do!"

The running continued for an hour, gradually the speed was increasing in increments as well. I had ensured I would stay in the middle of the pack otherwise I might draw to much attention, or they could've prematurely increased the speed in retaliation. Better not to take any risks right now.

No one had fallen into the pit, but some of the students which were with us had fallen behind and gotten remarkable close to death. Sakamoto was doing well so far, although his running form was looking slightly awkward, as if he were off balance or something.

As if on cue.

"Hah... Seriously how long is this gonna go on? My leg... Fuck it's cramping up. I don't know how much longer I'm going to last..." Unfortunately, if he were to give up here, there isn't much I can do to help. At this speed carrying him is unreliable, whether or not I could keep the speed I don't even know how much longer we're going to run, or what speed we'll finish up. Is there any way out of this?

"Hah... Can't... Go... On..."

The ground answered his prayers. The floor gradually slowed down and come to a halting stop. Sakamoto along with plenty of the other students gasped for breath either kneeling or panting whilst hunched over. One or two students vomited upon finishing and quietly tried to settled their breathing. Not a single word was uttered by them even through that harsh test.

The armed guards on the outside of the cell began announcing loudly.

"Swear fealty to your King! His majesty has decided to grace you useless ingrates with his presence." The formation parted to reveal the door they entered through. In the distance a red flowing cape and the subtle glint of a crown entered my eyes. The gentle pitter patter of footsteps continued, gradually growing louder and louder as the tyrant grew closer and closer.

A red cape covered his body, and a bejewelled crown adorned his head. Other than the cape and his crown, the emperor had no clothing. Bare, he sauntered across the cobbles and held no shame as he continued towards the cells.

He looks ridiculous, but that's...

"-Kamoshida!"

Yeah. What exactly is going on? He wouldn't have the time to kidnap us, that happening is basically a zero percent chance. This place and the people seem real but there are some differences from the counterparts we know. Or at least that Sakamoto knows. Other than that, an operation like this would be completely impossible to pull off. Detaining high school students with families, friends, family registry and all sorts of other documentation and relationships is simply impossible. It's more believable that this is some sort of weird fever dream or an alternate universe entirely.

A derogatory sneer crept across the king's face as he began to laugh whilst surrounded by the guards. Apparently amused by the proceedings in the cell.

"Well done. Well done all of you. Certainly, you guys are one step closer to the ideal you. This progress is good... Good, yes. But good isn't amazing. To be at the top you have to make plenty of sacrifices, that's what it takes to be the best! You all want to be the very best, don't you?"

"Yes, King Kamoshida!" The entire room, no what felt like the entire world had responded to him immediately. Even the previously despondent students in the cage were all replying with fervour.

"Good! That's what I wanted to hear. If you want the best. Then you have to experience the worst. That's why I will teach you what it is. I will ingrain it into you. Until you think you can't rise anymore, then I will show you how to break through even that. To do that though... Suffering is required. Tempering of the body and soul."

"With that said, I think you all have had enough of a break, right? Start the equipment once again. Run with every ounce of your being."

Without warning the floor quickly sped up and reached the pace we finished the last trial at. The students were quickly winded, but with the threat of death looming so closely they hung on by a singular tiny thread. Even Sakamoto who was struggling was furiously sprinting as if it would mean death.

Because it would.

A single misstep. Tripping. Exhaustion. Betrayal.

Any of these could completely end the life we know it right now, it could all be decided in a single moment. No doubt, thoughts began to play in their minds. 'What if I were the last to remain, surely, he'd stop right? What if I just push the person next to me, it was to save myself it couldn't be helped.'

Altruism necessitated that the detriments didn't overpass a certain threshold. At the expense of my life, I wouldn't save you. At the threat of mortal injury, I wouldn't save you. The world and its rewards existed for the strong. It was for the strong to take as they please. To become strong, you must tread upon other lives as if they were dirt. That was the philosophy he was ingraining into us, all the while painting a lovely picture of his altruism, whilst he was standing up on a pedestal of corpses.

That was their belated reward. The chance, the opportunity to be him. Or like him, to be a winner. To dominate and assert your will over others.

I suppose it's a natural consequence of the surroundings. Humans are competitive and seeing one human horde the rewards you covet. It can only lead to a similar spectacle.

"This crazy asshole!" Sakamoto was still barely hanging on; I couldn't tell how much longer he'd last. It was looking as if he'd be the first to leave if anything.

All the while Kamoshida laughed whilst looking at the students flailing their limbs in an attempt to survive.

"Good students deserve a reward; I know something that'll do just the trick. Men need incentive after all, promises mean nothing. Luckily my trophies understand how to behave, thank me students. This is a sight few men get to behold."

"Come on in."

Following the order a scantily clad girl enters into the room. Seductively swaying her hips, accentuating the curvature of her body. Driving most of the students into a stupor. It immediately increased their motivation for running. Distracted by the pearlescent bare skin in front of me I had failed to notice the face of a classmate. About one of the only names, I was familiar with.

"Ann?! What the hell are you doing here? Kamoshida you bastard, what the hell have you done?!"

There she stood. A fellow classmate. It felt strange for someone I had talked to before to be so objectified. Her eyes were misty holding some flirtatious essence behind them but instead she moved straight towards Kamoshida as if no one else existed. The students glued their lascivious gazes onto her, looking her up and down like meat on a platter. The restrictive clothing giving insights into more and more of her anatomy. Clothing extremely unfitting for a high schooler.

"Hehe. That got you brats riled up, didn't it? See this! Women want men like me! Women crave winners. Be grateful you get to see such a sight; you guys are a hundred years too early!"

Ferociously he snatched her into his arms and begun to grope anywhere and everywhere he pleased.

"STOOOOOPPP! I'LL END YOU, YOU PERVY BASTARD!"

"I've ignored you for long enough, seriously just who is that noisy brat?!"

Before he had simply glanced in disdain at the cell. Now he peered inside looking at the inhabitants one by one.

"So, it's you, huh? Surprised you even survived this long, fucking cripple. Why don't you do me a favour and fall already. My kingdom has no place for you. Do try to do it quietly though, I hate people interrupting me when I'm about to get busy."

"KILL YOU! I'LL RIP YOU LIMB FROM LIMB!"

"As if brat. Continue chasing her ass from over there, I don't need the defeated in my kingdom. Guards! Speed it up, I want him gone. The rest of you... If you drop before him, that's all you were in the end. Trash."

"RRRAAAAAAGGGHHH!" A guttural scream, as if the very essence of his soul was on fire, erupted from Sakamoto. Following it the ground began to rumble, slowly the treadmill began to tremble, and the guards themselves were shaken. Blue flames wrapped around Sakamoto, covering the entirety of his body. He was encased in the embers, his silhouette noticeable from the immolated figure. The rumbling continued as the mechanism for the floor hitched so too did the floor itself come to a hurtling stop. The flames licked the iron bars singing them, warping and deforming our cage.

The blue flames died down and Sakamoto emerged reborn. A black mask in the shape of a skull plastered across his face. The rest of his school uniform replaced by a leather jacket with a skeletal chest on the front and black denim pants, Finished with some black loafers. A red neckerchief tied like a bow, elbow and knee guards made of steel.

How exactly did this materialize? I mean if this is a dream can we just imagine anything, and it happens? No, if that was the case either the other students or Sakamoto would've done that earlier.

"What the hell am I wearing?! What is- This- Mask?!" Forcefully he pulled on the skull mask covering his face. Blood and skin came with it, the muscle and tissue underneath the surface level shown itself until blue flames arrived once again to bathe his body in the light. As if nothing happened the mask appeared with no noticeable injury on him.

However, this time a dark figure emerged behind him.

"I am thou, thou art I. The sickening depravity of this world has caused you to shed your mask. I am the power granted to you. The rebellious voice that wishes to lash out at this world and right its wrongs! Heed my name, I am Captain Kidd! Call my name in the heat of battle and I shall grant you, my strength." A large menacing figure, a huge skeleton that was riding a small ship like a surfboard stood behind Sakamoto.

"Meddling pest. Guards! Put him down! It'll serve as a reminder for what we do to disobedient children!"

"Yes, my King! Please make your retreat we shall deal with these lowlifes!"

"Good. My boons are your boons, do a good job and there will be rewards."

"My King!"

"NOT SO FAST! You, help me save Ann. C'mon!" Hey, you just awakened powers. The hell are you expecting me to do?

The guards swarmed the entrance to the cell ensuring not a single soul escaped.

"Get out of my way! CAPTAIN KIDDD!"

The apparition appeared once more momentarily as thunder rumbled in the air above us. We were inside, yet cumulonimbus clouds begun to generate above the heads of the guards. The rumbling grew louder until a crescendo of lighting crashed down onto their heads.

"Quick, after him!"

Kamoshida had already left through the same door he made such an entrance through earlier. There was only one path forward, we kept on running along reaching a staircase and finally a main hall. The room twisted, waves as if from heat exposure appeared in the air. Gradually a double image formed, one atop the other. This grand main hall with chandeliers and the... reception of our school?

"Hey, I'm not the only one seeing two? Do you see this as well Sakamoto?"

"FORGET THAT FOR NOW! WHERE'S ANN?!" A violent expression could be felt even with the mask on his face. Now wasn't the time for digging, I guess.

"God you never give up, do you? Captain I'll leave this to you." Atop the main stairway of the hall Kamoshida and a large golden figure stood with Ann in tow.

The golden figure straddled atop a steed his armour thick and heavy. Each movement of his lance led to the horse's constant tottering. The mere step of the hooves rang throughout the entire hall. Echoing his strength to us trespassers.

"Well, I'll leave it to you. So long."

"Hey, get back here!"

"You'll have to deal with me first." The golden figure, large enough to block our pathway stood menacingly.

"Goddamnit! Each and every one of you get out of my way! I've got somewhere to be!"

"The only place that could be is your grave. Prepare yourself."

"Sakamoto. Let's get out of here."

"Huh?! Are you crazy we can't just leave them behind!"

"Are you prepared to die for that?"

"...I-I have no choice! I couldn't live with myself otherwise."

"I see. Good answer. Follow me, we need to leave and regroup."

"But-!"

"They aren't real."

"Are you still going on about that?!"

"I can prove it, but you need to follow me."

"I- I can't- Fuck. Fine, if this goes badly, I'm kicking your ass first, got it?"

"That's fine."

"Still how are we getting past this guy? I don't think he'll just let us leave." There's no chance we could outrun a horse, with the distance between us and the door. It's a hopeless plan.

"You will both be fertilizer for the King's Garden. Such privilege is undeserved." The rider continued to creep closer. Conflict was inevitable.

"Sakamoto. Use that thing again."

"Right! Captain Kidd, blast 'em away!"

"Hmph. Foolish." The knight raised his lance above his head, the lightning gathered to the tip of it. Insufficient charge built up to blow him away, instead he simply waved off the remaining damage as if it was nothing.

"What the hell!"

"I see. Stand right there. Activate it again when I tell you."

"Hey, what do you pla-"

I rushed at the knight. At the very least he wouldn't expect me to rush for a front on fight with him, as such his response was somewhat slow, simply trying to skewer me with the lance in his hand. Luckily in close range this is a detriment for the rider now. Not only does his weapon lack any good options at this distance I can also pivot around him to dodge the most dangerous weapon.

I ducked under his lazy jab and ran over to his back.

Quickly sidestepping the devastating kick delivered by the horse. The horse was severely unbalanced due to weight of its own armour and the knight riding. Whilst still on its front legs I quickly swept under the horse and delivered a spinning back kick directly into the horses' front left knee. Even if the bone didn't snap the horse would definitely fall knocking the rider off. The unsuspecting rider had recovered quickly, a testament to his numerous battles.

Conventional attacks won't work anymore, he's on guard and shouldn't be underestimated.

"To think I would be dismounted! Haha! Not bad, dissident. Perhaps there might be a place for you among the King's guard in another life. Before that I'm afraid you must still be given punishment. 'Tis a shame. Tell me thy name."

"Ayanokouji Kiyotaka."

"Very well, Ayanokouji. I am known as Eligor. I will feast from your skull! Do give me a good fight!"

Throwing the lance directly at my head with a surprising speed, instinctively my head weaves out of the way tracing the arc of the weapon as it crashes into the wall of the hall. The wall fractures and cracks as the lance is embedded, sparks intermittently branching out of its stem. I could've been gone in a single moment.

Leaving me no purchase for breathe the knight's figure was standing in a powerful stance ready to lop me in half. I quickly dive away from his slash only to be chased by the heavy combatant. The sword that remained sheathed on his hip was now hurtling towards my torso. Using my hands to catch my weight I somersault out of the way and face towards him once again.

Condition one is done, now comes the hard part.

He wouldn't let up for a single second, it was beginning to get difficult trying to keep up with each and every one of his movements. Truly he was well versed in combat. Not only would he use the reliable sword in his hand, but he would also kick or punch, use the pommel of his weapon. Not a single option was wasted, I was impressed. The difference in our statures and equipment made the result obvious. I could evade as long as I want. But I can't deal any real damage to him, of course he would also get tired. Not that it would matter. It was all over now.

His sword flashed brilliantly. The horizontal swing closed in to my neck, time passed by second by second. This was the end.

Thunder rumbled.

Eligor's lance lit with a trace of electricity. The clouds were gathering charge and directed immediately to the lance. The ensuing storm rattled and rumbled the surroundings. Only a matter of time before something breaks...

CRASH!

Red hot blood splattered, traces of the fine mist covered my cheek. The smell of iron filled the room.

The sword that would've snatched my life came to a halt and immediately fell losing all its previous momentum.

"Wh- What... Is this-?"

"Eligor. It was a good battle."

Metal crashed upon metal causing the armour to bend and break in places. The metal frame of the chandelier pierced through his midsection. Recovery was impossible.

"...How regrettable. If I could do it over... I would've liked a straight battle... just me and a valiant warrior- one on one."

"...If that were the case, things may have ended differently."

"HAHAHA... No. Even in the end, I did not feel it. You did not bare your fangs, did you??"

"You were a worthy adversary. You can believe that much."

"In that case... I have no regrets. Take my sword, my lance. As true to the words of my King. To the victor go the spoils..."

He began to sputter, the metal frame of the chandelier impaling his torso even through the thick armour. Blood splattered onto the velvet carpet dyeing it an even deeper shade.

"...You are strong. But I am not the strongest of our guard... If you continue, I'm afraid even you will be naught but rust upon their spears..."

"I'll keep that in mind, so long Eligor."

"..." Silence followed shortly after. No more coughing. The blood dripping was the only sound to convey the weight of Eligor's departure.

For the first time whether dream or reality. I had killed a person. The depths of his consciousness weren't important. Whether this was a dream was unimportant. At the end of the day, I had caused another being, a living thinking creature capable of emotion to cease existing. And I felt... nothing.

Nothing. I could still feel the warmth of the blood splattering against me upon his demise. I could still remember the bloodlust and excitement he felt in the battle. I felt his remorse upon loss and subsequent acceptance of his own mortality. Yet, it didn't move me.

None of it moved me to the depths of my core. All I felt was a cold hollowness. As if something had been eating me from the inside.

Even when the students were surrounding me beaten bloody. I felt nothing.

The capture and degradation of a female classmate. I felt nothing.

Potentially leaving a classmate to die when I could've tried to save them. I felt nothing.

And now when I had snuffed the life out of another. Nothing.

...

When had I... become... this?

Was I always this way?

Was I always... broken beyond repair?

An incongruence lies dormant inside my gut, a feeling of something drastically wrong.

I shouldn't be capable of this... This is wrong... What am I doing?

Questions replay in a loop within my head, constantly. Over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

Yet. As these questions continue replaying, my body accepts it as natural. Of course, I'm capable of this why wouldn't I be?

Despite my reluctant acceptance. One question stuck out like a sore thumb. One that I couldn't answer with certainty. My body felt cold. A dismissal of the fundamental question. It didn't know the answer. Not because it never bothered to find it. No. It was because the core of my being understood it was unnecessary.

Who exactly am I?

It doesn't matter.

Physically my heartbeat settled. My body was calm, serene even.

Inside the deepest recesses of my mind, I was terrified. Not a single thing was trustworthy. Not a single memory conclusively lay the foundation for my apathy. My mind constantly racing through images looking at the contrast between my feelings now and in the past. Were all those feelings fake? A mere façade?

It was inconclusive... Humans naturally recollect different events separately. Even if you asked two friends about a similar event, they may have some glaring changes in their stories. Humans are creatures of convenience after all...

What does that make me?

Wiping all emotion in the face of danger. Immediately sacrificing others for self-preservation. Lacking the courage to stand and fight for what's right.

Was I even human anymore?

Throwing away your own humanity in order to survive... That was no human... 

Just a monster of convenience... 

That's all I am.

Forever.